question about lifestyle partnership situation that I have been day dreaming about

[whammy]

this all came about from a combination of a dream I had and movie trailer I saw. First, I want to say that I am not the get married type. I think, for a man to tie his future and his finances to a womans romantic feelings is beyond insane. and also, I am not too sold on the fact being "in love" is that much greater than everything else in life. But I do have the desire to be a father and have a "married with kids" type of family/home.

 

now, in this dream...i had a wife and she cheated on me and wanted a divorce. I was hurt but I knew what was in store. If I did what most married men do I would be put through the ringer for months just to lose my wife, kids, and alot of money at the end. or at best we would reconcile but it would never be the same and she would always be "tainted." so , in this dream... I proposed that we just stay married, keep living and raising our kids under the same roof, keep our money together but we were done romantically..she could have her freedom. I built "man-cave" on the other end of the house and pretty much moved to the other side of the house, we got a studio apartment in the city so we could take our "business" there and we pretty much did whatever we wanted and still got to raise our kids together and build our finances. in my dream, it was a pretty good deal. we were like business/kid-raising partners.

 

Now, since I am not the marriage type but have the urge (for atleast part of me) to have homely father aspect to my life. I would like to have this in real life. Just marry a like-minded women, adopt a child (or children) and live my life. kind of like a open marriage but she has no romantic responsibility toward me. with that freedom, it would feel like double the good stuff (finances, parental help, companionship, etc... and none of the bad stuff that comes with a marriage (that being, the first one, in the marraige to lose sexual attraction (love is nothing more then sexual attraction) wants a new life and ruins the other ones life in the process...as millions of americans have learned the hard way through the divorce).

 

so what do you guys think? does stuff like this exist? think it would work? would any of you do it if faced with the opportunity?

[mamamama]

Original Post:

"But I do have the desire to be a father and have a "married with kids" type of family/home."

"Now, since I am not the marriage type but have the urge (for atleast part of me) to have homely father aspect to my life."

 

What you dont understand is that child-rearing will not just introduce a new dynamic into your life, it will change your life completely. Its not about feeling like a dad whenever your in the mood, its about the personal sacrifices you make everyday to ensure your child will grow up to be an adult beneficial to society.

 

Even if everything works out just like you fantasize it to, the child/children will suffer. You may not believe in the idea of romantic/sexual love, and thats fine, but a child will notice his parents dont really care about each other, and will never feel the comfort and stability of a loving home.

 

In the future:

If you have time to be having extramarital sex in a "studio apartment in the city", then you're not spending enough time with your children.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

OP, you are nuts! I genuinely mean that. If my own son propsed the same thing, I would say the same to him!

 

I mean, I hear what you are saying; it's just that you have obviously not fallen deeply and madly in love as yet... Once you are really in love you will do anything for that girl! Commiting to her for the rest of your life financially and otherwise is just the least of your concerns... LIke everything worthwhile in life it comes with risks; sometimes things will go your way, sometimes they won't.

 

Some of the most boring people are those that won't take risks or shield themselves from all types of risk.

 

You know, I think most relationships have a shelf life of some duration (might be 30 days, 30 months, or 30 years, who knows?), but that doesn't mean they can't be a relationship 'off of the shelf' also. IE, still married and romantically involved, just a different set of rules or boundaries, or negotiatied agreements. Various situations like that happen all the time.

 

In the end, I suppose that you only have to find one female as nuts as you to make your possibility come true. Stranger things have happened... best of luck!

[Bionic Me]

I have officially heard it all...

[coffeecat]

whammy, how old are you? What you spelled out sounds silly and immature. Noone plans out their life around a stupid dream ( was it a DAY dream?) If you are over 25, then I really wouldn't worry about ever getting married if I were you. No self-respecting woman would be foolish enough to marry someone so disillusioned.

[phillyfan]

this all came about from a combination of a dream I had and movie trailer I saw. First, I want to say that I am not the get married type. I think, for a man to tie his future and his finances to a womans romantic feelings is beyond insane. and also, I am not too sold on the fact being "in love" is that much greater than everything else in life. But I do have the desire to be a father and have a "married with kids" type of family/home.

 

now, in this dream...i had a wife and she cheated on me and wanted a divorce. I was hurt but I knew what was in store. If I did what most married men do I would be put through the ringer for months just to lose my wife, kids, and alot of money at the end. or at best we would reconcile but it would never be the same and she would always be "tainted." so , in this dream... I proposed that we just stay married, keep living and raising our kids under the same roof, keep our money together but we were done romantically..she could have her freedom. I built "man-cave" on the other end of the house and pretty much moved to the other side of the house, we got a studio apartment in the city so we could take our "business" there and we pretty much did whatever we wanted and still got to raise our kids together and build our finances. in my dream, it was a pretty good deal. we were like business/kid-raising partners.

 

Now, since I am not the marriage type but have the urge (for atleast part of me) to have homely father aspect to my life. I would like to have this in real life. Just marry a like-minded women, adopt a child (or children) and live my life. kind of like a open marriage but she has no romantic responsibility toward me. with that freedom, it would feel like double the good stuff (finances, parental help, companionship, etc... and none of the bad stuff that comes with a marriage (that being, the first one, in the marraige to lose sexual attraction (love is nothing more then sexual attraction) wants a new life and ruins the other ones life in the process...as millions of americans have learned the hard way through the divorce).

 

so what do you guys think? does stuff like this exist? think it would work? would any of you do it if faced with the opportunity?

 

Dude trust me u spend weeks thinkin thru all these plans then BOOM this beeeeutiful girl will come into ur life n BLOW u away, n u will want the whole dream life with her. But yea in ansa to ur question yea, ur example does exist - open marriage dude, lotsa ppl do it.

[Baroness67]

I was following you through the word 'tainted' and then I just decided you are a garden variety X not worth answering with any work of thought.

[Eve]

H'mmm... there will be some who will be up for the lifestyle proposed. Also there could be a small percentile of kids who are pretty tough and could come out of this scenario without damage. I would say not to risk it though. Just be a good Uncle to a kid and do what you want in your personal life. There is no harm in wanting to maintain your personal life above all else, just don't bring innocent kids into it.

 

Not everyone is built for love and it is a good thing that you have identified this aspect of yourself early enough to avoid hurting others.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[riley707]

I think your idea is sound. I've been fortunate enough to meet several women over the years who would sign up for this in a second. All of them were products of divorce, so they "get" the idea that having a plan to increase the odds they will not divorce is a good idea.

 

Dig around a bit on the board for some of the more open minded people out there and you will find a few with two living arrangements. I don't know who said it, but the best way to make a marriage last is to get married but maintain separate houses.

 

Don't bother listening to the women who haven't come around to this idea. You have to at least respect their opinion, but in the end you'll find out they only respect their own ideas and can't allow themselves to understand yours ( otherwise it would shatter their illusion ). They are hiding under the common collective instead of exploring their own identity.

 

You need to be very very upfront and honest with women you date. Let them know you want to be a father, but you also value your freedom. Also let them know you have found your own definition for marriage that is unique to you and that you don't assume others follow it, just that they respect your right to form your own opinion.

 

IMO, your children will be better off as well. They won't have to deal with the traditional framework of marriage at the cost of seeing a parent live through an nontraditional role of them self.

 

It's just like being gay and having children, so many people talk about how its so wrong rather than figure out a way to see how it can be right.

[Breezy Trousers]

I agree with Eve and Riley.

 

Some guys make this arrangement with their wives but don't bother to tell them what they are signing up for. They're called serial cheaters. They get to have the appearance of respectability -- wife, kids, career, and yes even church -- while leading secret lives and breaking hearts. Cake eaters.

 

At least you want to operate from a place of honesty and transparency with a woman. I have to give you that. That's got to be much better for the child than being raised by dishonest parent leading a secret life and abusing his wife and kids in the process. And that scenario happens more often than not.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Breezy Trousers