***mixed signals from seperated wife***

[rueben]

i'll make it quick. I dont need to hear negative feeback but i would like to hear what u have to say. My wife and i been apart not living together since january 19th...we are very faithful to each other and firm believers of god. We had are ups and downs. I talked to her about the whole situation 2 days ago and all she did was cry and say she wants a divorce, but then changes her mind and says she'll talk to me later. Shes told me she wanted a divorce twice but does nothing about it. She told me she wants us back but just needs to be free right now (independent). I talked to her best friend yesterday and she tells me that my waife says she wants us but then tells her she wants to be single. I been with her for 7 years married for 2. IS there hope at the end of this ride? her only ansswer right now is i want to be alone. but she texts me here and there. She hangs out with her girlfriends almost everyday. im still seeing my counselor, and she been giving me great advice to this whole situation. My counselor tells me there is love but she cant find it. I love my wife with everything i have, im doing whatever it takes to get her back. any answers to this? what should i do? has anyone been here and got back together? positive feedback appreciated...(guess this story wasnt that short)

[BB07]

i'll make it quick. I dont need to hear negative feeback but i would like to hear what u have to say.

 

You contradicted yourself....you don't want to hear anything negative but yet you want opinions. Which is it? Tell me what I want to hear OR tell me what you really think?

 

Do you think it's fair to come here and ask for advice but yet put unrealistic conditions on it? Sounds like it defeats the purpose since you asked for advice. Something for you to think about.......do you have control issues? I wonder since you want to control a bunch of strangers advice. Just sayin.........

[Ayla]

Hello,

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is really tough when you are getting mixed signals from the one you love. When you know that they love you too - but for some reason they are not with you....

 

I think that for the moment, give her space. it sounds like she is terribly confused and does not know what she really wants. Hence the reason one minute she is saying she wants a divorce and the next minute she says she doesn't.

 

Perhaps let her know that you love her, and that you hope things will work out, but for now you are going to give her space and time to think. Expain to her that you don't want to pressure her into anything. If you explain this to her, it may help her understand that you respect her, understand that she needs time and are not just cutting her off.

 

Maybe also set a date fir in 4 weeks time to catch up and talk. And for those 4 weeks, don't contact her...unless she contacts you.

 

I hope that helps and wish you all the best.

[rueben]

ok,all feedback accepted...i said positive feedback only cuz i been talking with my counselor(22 years in marital counseling) and shes told me whats going on but i just want to hear other peoples opinions

[rueben]

im doing my best to not talk or text her, cuz i know she wants space. I've wrote her poems and what not about how much she means to me. I ALSO FEEL IF I TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP in any way, that it'll just be pushing her away

Edited April 13, 2011 by rueben

[Ayla]

Yes, you are right, if you talk about your relationship in any way it will push her away - but I think you do need to tell her your intentions before not speaking with her at all. It does not have to be a long drawn out conversation - Just a simple "hey, I know you need some time to think, so I just wanted to let you know that I respect that and I am going to leave you alone for a while. When you are ready to talk, let me know."

 

With the poems you are writing, I hope that you are just keeping them and not sending them to her....that too, would be pressure.

[rueben]

Yes, you are right, if you talk about your relationship in any way it will push her away - but I think you do need to tell her your intentions before not speaking with her at all. It does not have to be a long drawn out conversation - Just a simple "hey, I know you need some time to think, so I just wanted to let you know that I respect that and I am going to leave you alone for a while. When you are ready to talk, let me know."

 

With the poems you are writing, I hope that you are just keeping them and not sending them to her....that too, would be pressure.

 

 

ive told her i respect her decisions on whatvere she choses...i kept some poems and sent her a couple and she tells me thanks for the poems i liked them

[Ayla]

Hmmm - ok. So you have let her know your intentions. That is great.

 

Please don't send her any more poems...or anything that you have written. Keep them and if one day you get back together you can show her then. Seriously whether she says she likes, them or not - trust me when i say it is pressure.

 

I am sure they are beautiful poems, and you mean every word that you write in them. But to give this the best possible chance - you need to back off completely. No contact - means no contact at all...no facebook, emails, letters, poems, sms - nothing. I know you only want to share with her how you feel - and she knows that. She now needs to work on herself to work out what she wants....and having any contact from you will only draw out that process.

[rueben]

Hmmm - ok. So you have let her know your intentions. That is great.

 

Please don't send her any more poems...or anything that you have written. Keep them and if one day you get back together you can show her then. Seriously whether she says she likes, them or not - trust me when i say it is pressure.

 

I am sure they are beautiful poems, and you mean every word that you write in them. But to give this the best possible chance - you need to back off completely. No contact - means no contact at all...no facebook, emails, letters, poems, sms - nothing. I know you only want to share with her how you feel - and she knows that. She now needs to work on herself to work out what she wants....and having any contact from you will only draw out that process.

 

i deleted her number out of my phone and deleted my facebook. I just dont know if im being dragged along for this ride till she knows she can be without me. i dont want to be drug along with her and then in the end we get a divorce. i would rather get the hurt over with now then be drug around till she wants to let me go. Im just confused and dont know what to do. My heart tells me to wait cuz god dosent bind 2 people together to get a divorce...says it in the bible "two should not get a divorce unless there was unfaithfulness in the relationship" (sorry for the religious stuff). Im sad i have to wait around cuz im afraid she will like the independent lifestyle instead. My counselor told me "at the end of the day you have to tell yourself that you were a faithful man in your relationship,what woman doesnt want that? she'll realize its not all that great being alone when she actually is or when her friends arent there to support her. friends are there forever but on ly last so long))

[Ayla]

i deleted her number out of my phone and deleted my facebook. I just dont know if im being dragged along for this ride till she knows she can be without me. i dont want to be drug along with her and then in the end we get a divorce. i would rather get the hurt over with now then be drug around till she wants to let me go. Im just confused and dont know what to do. My heart tells me to wait cuz god dosent bind 2 people together to get a divorce...says it in the bible "two should not get a divorce unless there was unfaithfulness in the relationship" (sorry for the religious stuff). Im sad i have to wait around cuz im afraid she will like the independent lifestyle instead. My counselor told me "at the end of the day you have to tell yourself that you were a faithful man in your relationship,what woman doesnt want that? she'll realize its not all that great being alone when she actually is or when her friends arent there to support her. friends are there forever but on ly last so long))

 

I guess that is why I suggested a time in the near future to chat and discuss (only after FULL no contact). That way you are not waiting around forever. No one wants to do that. It gives her 4 weeks to think and have some space....

 

On the divorce thing - I understand/respect where you are coming from, but I am sure that God does not want a person to be in a marriage where one party is not happy (for what ever reason). Perhaps this is a test for you two - who knows, but I do know that everything happens for a reason.

 

I am not sure I agree with the counselor - in the friends business. In my experience friends last a lot longer that anyone else...other than family. I have a set of friends that I have had for over 10 years - and they are like family to me, and will always be there. You should be proud that you were a faithful man, and that she was a faithful woman. That is a good thing.

 

For some reason she has decided that she is not happy at the moment, and she is struggling. Yes, the independant lifestyle is fun for a while, but then a person needs more. I don't know her, or what she is thinking...

 

I think that you need to let go for a little while. Let her have her time and space...and you should use this time wisely as well. Get to know yourself more, do things with your friends and family. In 4 weeks time, ask to catch up with her.

 

I have loved a man for 10 years - and he also loves me, but we were only together for 2 years. For some reason the time has not been right. True love is when you only want the person to be happy whether they are with you or not. I have not waited for him, even though i know he loves me - but it takes a strong person to let them go when they need to. If it is right - they will be back.

 

I think I might have just rambled a bit there....sorry

[rueben]

I guess that is why I suggested a time in the near future to chat and discuss (only after FULL no contact). That way you are not waiting around forever. No one wants to do that. It gives her 4 weeks to think and have some space....

 

On the divorce thing - I understand/respect where you are coming from, but I am sure that God does not want a person to be in a marriage where one party is not happy (for what ever reason). Perhaps this is a test for you two - who knows, but I do know that everything happens for a reason.

 

I am not sure I agree with the counselor - in the friends business. In my experience friends last a lot longer that anyone else...other than family. I have a set of friends that I have had for over 10 years - and they are like family to me, and will always be there. You should be proud that you were a faithful man, and that she was a faithful woman. That is a good thing.

 

For some reason she has decided that she is not happy at the moment, and she is struggling. Yes, the independant lifestyle is fun for a while, but then a person needs more. I don't know her, or what she is thinking...

 

I think that you need to let go for a little while. Let her have her time and space...and you should use this time wisely as well. Get to know yourself more, do things with your friends and family. In 4 weeks time, ask to catch up with her.

 

I have loved a man for 10 years - and he also loves me, but we were only together for 2 years. For some reason the time has not been right. True love is when you only want the person to be happy whether they are with you or not. I have not waited for him, even though i know he loves me - but it takes a strong person to let them go when they need to. If it is right - they will be back.

 

I think I might have just rambled a bit there....sorry

 

i let go for like 2 weeks in january NC at all...she texted me 2 weeks later and said she missed and loved me...and now were back to where it was, confused. With the friend thing, my counselor meant it as, your friends be there for you but not like a life long partner can (sex, kids, family, intimacy etc.) my counselor also told me at this point in out relationship its going to come down to space and respect then from there honesty, trust then eventually love again...

[Ayla]

Ok - in that sense I agree with your counselor. I have been single for 2 years now and it is what I miss most. Having said that it is a bonus to have that - it does not complete you.

 

You can do this. Maybe if your ex does contact you in 2 weeks. Either don't reply (which will be terribly difficult) or force her to have space for another 2 weeks after thatby letting her know that whilst it is very difficult for you you would prefer to wait until x date to talk.

 

Is it very late where you are? I am guessing you are not getting much sleep!

[rueben]

Ok - in that sense I agree with your counselor. I have been single for 2 years now and it is what I miss most. Having said that it is a bonus to have that - it does not complete you.

 

You can do this. Maybe if your ex does contact you in 2 weeks. Either don't reply (which will be terribly difficult) or force her to have space for another 2 weeks after thatby letting her know that whilst it is very difficult for you you would prefer to wait until x date to talk.

 

Is it very late where you are? I am guessing you are not getting much sleep!

 

 

sorry ididnt metion this before. the main reason we split up was cuz i was like a child to her. she would do the bills , dishes, laundry etc. i would work (hot heavy labor...working 8-14 hour days) come home and just want to be lazy and not do anything. She has told me before she doesnt like it, and it got close to a break up but i was changing till i stopped! We seperated, and i realized i must do everything to get her back and show her i can change...so i been going to church, reading the bible and seeking counseling ever since...she has a trust issue with me. shes afraid i wont change....maybe there will be a different perspective. none the less, shes sending me mixed signals and i think shes putting me to a test to SHOW her i can change instead of tell her..im from california

[Ayla]

sorry ididnt metion this before. the main reason we split up was cuz i was like a child to her. she would do the bills , dishes, laundry etc. i would work (hot heavy labor...working 8-14 hour days) come home and just want to be lazy and not do anything. She has told me before she doesnt like it, and it got close to a break up but i was changing till i stopped! We seperated, and i realized i must do everything to get her back and show her i can change...so i been going to church, reading the bible and seeking counseling ever since...she has a trust issue with me. shes afraid i wont change....maybe there will be a different perspective. none the less, shes sending me mixed signals and i think shes putting me to a test to SHOW her i can change instead of tell her..im from california

 

Ok - that puts a different spin on things.....I can understand reading the bible and going to church might be helping you...but how is that showing you have changed? Have you started looking after where you are living? Do the washing, laundry, cleaning the house? Those are things she is looking for...do the gardening (not ure if you have one), but things like that. Yes she wants to see the changes,a nd not be all talk...and it has to be over a significant period of time - not just a few weeks.

 

Of course she is missing you. I would be too - if the guy I loved, who meant everything to me - was not dong anything around the house - I would need to walk away until he managed to look after himself, and did not reply on me. It is great that you woek hard - but you also need to work hard at your life...doing general hosue duties (as much as we all hate doing it). it shows that you not only care about your house, but the heart of your relationship.

 

I am not religious by any means - but I know it is important to you and your relationship - so keep doing that, but also the boring menial stuff that you didn't do when you were with your wife. I am not saying that it will definitiely bring her back - but it will be a step in the right direction.

 

Calinfornia - a guy that I dated recently who is going through a really tough time (his ex of 10 years cheated on him a year ago) is driving there from Nevada today/tomorrow. I am hoping this holiday in the US really gives him some perspective, he hurt me a little because of all the crap in his head and the hurt he is feeling.

[rueben]

Ok - that puts a different spin on things.....I can understand reading the bible and going to church might be helping you...but how is that showing you have changed? Have you started looking after where you are living? Do the washing, laundry, cleaning the house? Those are things she is looking for...do the gardening (not ure if you have one), but things like that. Yes she wants to see the changes,a nd not be all talk...and it has to be over a significant period of time - not just a few weeks.

 

Of course she is missing you. I would be too - if the guy I loved, who meant everything to me - was not dong anything around the house - I would need to walk away until he managed to look after himself, and did not reply on me. It is great that you woek hard - but you also need to work hard at your life...doing general hosue duties (as much as we all hate doing it). it shows that you not only care about your house, but the heart of your relationship.

 

I am not religious by any means - but I know it is important to you and your relationship - so keep doing that, but also the boring menial stuff that you didn't do when you were with your wife. I am not saying that it will definitiely bring her back - but it will be a step in the right direction.

 

Calinfornia - a guy that I dated recently who is going through a really tough time (his ex of 10 years cheated on him a year ago) is driving there from Nevada today/tomorrow. I am hoping this holiday in the US really gives him some perspective, he hurt me a little because of all the crap in his head and the hurt he is feeling.

 

 

i been taking car of myself for the past 3 months...got a new job i start tomorrow (less tiring but more money), sold my car looking to get a new one, and saving for a deposit for a place of my own. been doing dishes, laundry etc. BUT how is she going to see it if she wont give me the time to show her?

[Ayla]

sorry ididnt metion this before. the main reason we split up was cuz i was like a child to her. she would do the bills , dishes, laundry etc. i would work (hot heavy labor...working 8-14 hour days) come home and just want to be lazy and not do anything. She has told me before she doesnt like it, and it got close to a break up but i was changing till i stopped! We seperated, and i realized i must do everything to get her back and show her i can change...so i been going to church, reading the bible and seeking counseling ever since...she has a trust issue with me. shes afraid i wont change....maybe there will be a different perspective. none the less, shes sending me mixed signals and i think shes putting me to a test to SHOW her i can change instead of tell her..im from california

 

i been taking car of myself for the past 3 months...got a new job i start tomorrow (less tiring but more money), sold my car looking to get a new one, and saving for a deposit for a place of my own. been doing dishes, laundry etc. BUT how is she going to see it if she wont give me the time to show her?

 

For some reason women have a sixth sense...we are (for the most) intuitive and perceptive things...it will show in how you carry yourself, how the house/apartment looks and what others say about you. I am sure that after such a long relationship you have mutual friends. People will talk.

 

It is great news that you got a new job and that your saving to buy a place of your own. I am not sure about the US but in Australia you need 10% deposit, which takes a while - but you can do it. Knowing that you have this money saved will also affect the way you carry yourself. You might not notice it, but others will.

 

Although you can not physically show her, she will know because for a period of time you have had to fend for yourself. But all these other positive steps will also speak wonders. Odds are this si why she is conflicted...I can just imagine what is going on in her head:

"I want a divorce, he is never going to change."

"But is has been 3 months now, and he has got a new job. He must be doing his own washing and things now. Maybe he has changed. Geez I miss him"

"But what if he hasn't changed, I don't know what to do"

 

See what I mean = this is so confusing for her. But without telling her what you are doing, she will have her own way of finding out. You just keep saving every dollar, and keeping your house clean and such.

 

One thing thouhgh....you need to not only be doing this for her, but more importantly you need to be doing it for yourself. The reason for that is because it is the only true way of showing that it is permenant.

 

Does that make sense?

[rueben]

For some reason women have a sixth sense...we are (for the most) intuitive and perceptive things...it will show in how you carry yourself, how the house/apartment looks and what others say about you. I am sure that after such a long relationship you have mutual friends. People will talk.

 

It is great news that you got a new job and that your saving to buy a place of your own. I am not sure about the US but in Australia you need 10% deposit, which takes a while - but you can do it. Knowing that you have this money saved will also affect the way you carry yourself. You might not notice it, but others will.

 

Although you can not physically show her, she will know because for a period of time you have had to fend for yourself. But all these other positive steps will also speak wonders. Odds are this si why she is conflicted...I can just imagine what is going on in her head:

"I want a divorce, he is never going to change."

"But is has been 3 months now, and he has got a new job. He must be doing his own washing and things now. Maybe he has changed. Geez I miss him"

"But what if he hasn't changed, I don't know what to do"

 

See what I mean = this is so confusing for her. But without telling her what you are doing, she will have her own way of finding out. You just keep saving every dollar, and keeping your house clean and such.

 

One thing thouhgh....you need to not only be doing this for her, but more importantly you need to be doing it for yourself. The reason for that is because it is the only true way of showing that it is permenant.

 

Does that make sense?

 

makes perfect sense...i also dont want to contact her cuz i want to get used to not having her around so i can heal and get over this hump im stuck on...time heals and thats what im willing to do if it make severything better

[imagine]

Hi Reuben,

 

You may want to check out marriagebuilders.com- especially to run through the emotional needs column. Also , do not neglect the lovebuster chart.

 

This also agrees with the previous posters that action is required.

[Ayla]

makes perfect sense...i also dont want to contact her cuz i want to get used to not having her around so i can heal and get over this hump im stuck on...time heals and thats what im willing to do if it make severything better

 

Time most certaibnly heals and also give you some perspective.

 

Just look after yourself and work on yourself and see what happens. Everything happens for a reason - I know that for sure.

 

Take care!

[joe and casey 3327]

I am going though the same thing with my wife right now. We talk and she talks about divorce too but has not done anything thing. My wife also text me and calls me. So trust me i know what you are going though.