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New boyfriend wants me to delete ex from phone list and facebook.

Miss M

By Miss M,
in General Relationship Discussion

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TheLoneSock

TheLoneSock

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He's jealous and insecure and you're co-dependent and insecure. What a wonderful cocktail combination!

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carhill

carhill

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He was cheated on in the past.

Was the infidelity in the relationship prior to the one with you? If so, how long was he single after ending that relationship?

 

Has he elaborated on that past cheating dynamic? 'Cheating' is a blanket word to cover a myriad of infidelities. Any insight?

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betterdeal

betterdeal

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Don't get sucked into the past. If you feel pressured and controlled, say so, and say what you would like him to do about it.

 

From what you've said, he sounds a bit clingy, with the a-bit-too-frequent contact and the out of the blue interest in your ex. The request you rescind all contact is just a small part of this.

 

You sound like you want the relationship to progress. Decide how you want it to progress. If that's honestly and optimistically, then genuine enquiry, free exchange of feelings, needs and desires, constructive feedback, are the way to foster that.

 

I feel a bit pressured, because of all the constant contact and the sudden interest in my previous lovers, and I'd like you to step back a bit. I like you a lot, and I feel closer to you every day, and that I can share more of me with you. If we can work past this I reckon we have a great future. Whaddya say?

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Miss M

Miss M

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I care about my new guy a lot and wouldn't want to do anything to mess up the relationship, but him making me delete my ex so that he can try and control me to never talk to him again is a little strange to me. Shouldn't he just trust that I care about him enough that I wouldn't do something that would hurt the relationship?

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Miss M

Miss M

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Was the infidelity in the relationship prior to the one with you? If so, how long was he single after ending that relationship?

 

Has he elaborated on that past cheating dynamic? 'Cheating' is a blanket word to cover a myriad of infidelities. Any insight?

 

 

It was in the past, he was single for about 5 years before me, where he just dated girls, but didn't want a serious relationship with.

 

I didn't ask him the details of the cheating because, to me that's in the past and i'm only interested in our relationship now and not past ones.

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Kamille

Kamille

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I care about my new guy a lot and wouldn't want to do anything to mess up the relationship, but him making me delete my ex so that he can try and control me to never talk to him again is a little strange to me. Shouldn't he just trust that I care about him enough that I wouldn't do something that would hurt the relationship?

 

In his view, he isn't trying to control you. He's trying to put what he deems to be the necessary conditions so that he can trust the relationship.

 

You (rightfully IMO) disagree that trust has to come at the price of surgically removing all traces of your ex from your life. His requests makes you feel like he's trying to control you. That feeling is valid. It's also linked to a fear of yours: that you might end up in a relationship where control is an issue. What can he do to alleviate your fear? What can you do to alleviate your fear that he is trying to control you?

 

Meanwhile, his fear is that he might end up in a relationship where cheating is an issue. Same questions: What can he do to help himself past the trust issues? what can you to alleviate his fear and help him build trust? (And BTW, the actions don't have to be as drastic as removing your ex from your life. What else can you do?)

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carhill

carhill

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Do you share relationship information with your ex? IOW, if your ex were to look your BF in the eye, would he know 'stuff' about your private business?

 

Since your BF has been dating for a number of years, processing his fears of infidelity is squarely upon him. It's not fresh. You can enable his recovery by showing confidence in your relationship to him by being 'straight up' with him. Showing him your authentic self. His reaction is his own and outside of your control. To me, his current actions already indicate he's thinking something is going on, and, frankly, he's right. Perhaps not *what* he's thinking, but his spidey sense is IMO impelling feelings of de-prioritization.

 

If you had to take one action today, what would it be?

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Miss M

Miss M

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I feel a bit pressured, because of all the constant contact and the sudden interest in my previous lovers, and I'd like you to step back a bit. I like you a lot, and I feel closer to you every day, and that I can share more of me with you. If we can work past this I reckon we have a great future. Whaddya say?

 

 

This is exactly the way I feel, thank you.

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Miss M

Miss M

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Questions for you:

 

Is your ex in an intimate romantic relationship?

 

How do you feel about your BF withholding information/relationships similar to that you've been withholding. Say, for example, he told you tomorrow that he's still 'friendly' with an ex and would like you all (she's got a BF) to get together for dinner. That would be a great topic to cover; expectations and boundaries.

;)

 

Yes, my ex has a girlfriend.

 

I go with what i feel and trust my instinct. If he treats me good and makes me feel like he really cares about me and shows me that he appreciates me, I don't really worry, and if i felt I had something to worry about, I probably wouldn't put up with the relationship.

 

I don't tell him that I now and then exchange messages with my ex through instant messenger, because I know that he would be bothered by it and I don't want to create insecurites where there should be none. Plus, I don't think it's any of his business at 3 months into the relationship. I'm sure there are somethings he does, that he feels are probably none of my business too. I don't think we need to know everything, somethings are better not said.

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DreamerGirl27

DreamerGirl27

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I agree. Delete your facebook account. No one in a couple needs it unless you really are looking for attention from other men or something on the side.

 

With all the smack talk you talk, I actually agree with you on this. why would you feel this way BeginAgain? If all you're out for is sex...

 

 

There's no point in having a facebook to sit there and talk to other people. You have your boyfriend for that.

 

I can just imagine, my dad coming home from work, after he works 60+ hours every week and sitting there talking on facebook to other girls instead of my mom.

 

Do you see anything wrong with that picture?

 

It's one thing to think it's okay when you have boat loads of free time on your hands, but if you have boat loads of free time on your hands, shouldn't you be so wrapped up with your new guy that you want to spend it all with him?

 

If you don't, then you probably are not with the right person.

 

When couples get together they are infatuated with each other and talking to ex's on facebook just screams "I'm going to cheat on you" or "my interest is not only in you".

 

I don't get people who have to keep ex's and talk to other women/men on facebook constantly. It's like...umm, hello, you have ME!!!

 

Anyway...

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Kamille

Kamille

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With all the smack talk you talk, I actually agree with you on this. why would you feel this way BeginAgain? If all you're out for is sex...

 

 

There's no point in having a facebook to sit there and talk to other people. You have your boyfriend for that.

 

I can just imagine, my dad coming home from work, after he works 60+ hours every week and sitting there talking on facebook to other girls instead of my mom.

 

Do you see anything wrong with that picture?

 

It's one thing to think it's okay when you have boat loads of free time on your hands, but if you have boat loads of free time on your hands, shouldn't you be so wrapped up with your new guy that you want to spend it all with him?

 

If you don't, then you probably are not with the right person.

 

When couples get together they are infatuated with each other and talking to ex's on facebook just screams "I'm going to cheat on you" or "my interest is not only in you".

 

I don't get people who have to keep ex's and talk to other women/men on facebook constantly. It's like...umm, hello, you have ME!!!

 

Anyway...

 

I have to check: You're being sarcastic right?

 

(ps: doesn't your dad have friends?)

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DreamerGirl27

DreamerGirl27

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I have to check: You're being sarcastic right?

 

(ps: doesn't your dad have friends?)

 

No, why would I be sarcastic about this? and no he doesn't. He has a few buddies he plays tennis with. Why would he need friends?

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DreamerGirl27

DreamerGirl27

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don't you think he's a little old for the need to be popular and have buddies to go out with? He has my mom.

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DreamerGirl27

DreamerGirl27

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Kamille, I have to ask how old are you? 15?

 

Your post really baffled me...this is a PM I just sent my friend FloridaMan on here, because I don't get why you would think I'm being sarcastic.

 

okay seriously...

 

I got into a thread where me and BeginAgain actually agreed on something. Something about a girls' new boyfriend wanting her to delete her ex off her facebook account. I completely agree with her boyfriend! BeginAgain actually said that she should delete her entire facebook account, because all it is for is for attention you don't need when you're in a relationship. Again, couldn't agree more!!

 

So, then I used my very successful in life parents, where my dad works 60+ hours a week and wouldn't even think to have facebook. Any bit of spare time he has left over he wants to spend with my mom. This seems how a normal, healthy relationship should work. My dad as well, didn't want my mom spending any time or talking to other guys when they got together. Again, makes total sense to me.

 

So I got a responder asking me if I was being sarcastic and said "your dad has friends right?"

 

I'm sure...my dad is 54 years old. He doesn't need friends. He has a successful career, a wife and daughter and a home. Why the heck does he need his loser friends he had in high school? He did have one for awhile...not gonna tell you the kind of life THAT guy is leading now.

 

He has a few buddies he plays tennis with, but that's about it.

 

The rest of his time is spent with his family and his job. That's called growing up and I look forward to it and want it very much. Most of my friends are pains in my rear, to be completely and utterly honest.

 

My mom has a best friend that she sees periodically, but again, most of their lives are devoted to each other.

 

For those that do believe in Heaven, there is no marriage in Heaven to boot. We're gonna have plenty of time to be "friends" and all "be together" there. This is Earth. and I want to spend it with a future husband

 

Why is this so difficult to understand?

 

It's like we're still in high school years on these boards and your facebook status and how many friends you talk to other than your SO is viewed as "cool" and if you have any other views, you're abnormal.

 

I don't get it.

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Art_Critic

Art_Critic

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Kamille, I have to ask how old are you? 15?

 

Your post really baffled me...this is a PM I just sent my friend FloridaMan on here, because I don't get why you would think I'm being sarcastic.

 

Aren't pm's supposed to be private ?

 

Can I ask how old you are ?

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Art_Critic

Art_Critic

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26, going on 57.

 

Well then.. as a 57 year old then you know how important friends are and how important having a separate life inside your marriage from your spouse is ?

and by separate I don't mean secret.. I mean separate..

Golfing and those buddy's for instance...or Tennis

Edited by Art_Critic
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Kamille

Kamille

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**grabs popcorn. loves me some Kamille.**

 

I hope the popcorn was good! I'm going to disappoint. I really wanted to know if Dreamergirl was being sarcastic or if she really held the view that couples don't need any friends. Apparently, she really believes couples don't need any friends. Hope it works out for her. It wouldn't work out for me. (It's so easy to blend friends, family and your significant relationship).

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denise_xo

denise_xo

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Kamille, I have to ask how old are you? 15?

 

Your post really baffled me...this is a PM I just sent my friend FloridaMan on here, because I don't get why you would think I'm being sarcastic.

 

I thought you were being sarcastic too, and I'm about a decade older than you. If that's how you like to organise your life that's up to you, but the arrangement you outline is not exactly obvious for everyone, including myself. I could never live like that, and would never want to live like that. Not only is it easy to blend friends and a SO relationship, it's also extremely rewarding IME.

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EyesWideOpen

EyesWideOpen

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26, going on 57.

 

Breaking news: Conceited, judgemental, 26 year old virgin who still lives with parents mistakenly believes she's mature.

...More at 11.

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