New boyfriend wants me to delete ex from phone list and facebook.

[Miss M]

I need some more great advice from you guys, please:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273817/

[fun2bewith]

Dump the possessive one. Friends don't tell other friends who they can and can't be friends with. Therefore he is not a friend. Therefore he is not worthy to be a partner.

 

Amen to that!

[DreamerGirl27]

Kamille and Denise...

 

thank you both for responding kindly and maturely. I no longer think you are 15.

 

EyesWideOpen on the other hand, I'm pretty positive is a toddler that got set loose with a computer keyboard...

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by DreamerGirl27

\Your post really baffled me...this is a PM I just sent my friend FloridaMan on here, because I don't get why you would think I'm being sarcastic

Aren't pm's supposed to be private ?

It's okay. If she posted a response someone sent her in a PM, without the sender's permission, that would be a problem, but as she only posted what she sent someone else in a PM, prob. okay...

Edited April 16, 2011 by Floridaman

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Why are you going after DreamerGirl? I swear, some people can be downright mean on here sometimes.

[denise_xo]

Why are you going after DreamerGirl? I swear, some people can be downright mean on here sometimes.

 

Well, in case this is directed towards me, I'm not 'going after' anyone - I'm just participating in the thread and voicing my opinion, and I don't view that as being 'downright mean'. From DG's response, I don't think she took it as mean, either.

[Fugu]

I consider my ex my friend because I know he would be there if I really needed him, just like any other friend. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, and there's certain things you can talk about with certain people that you can't with others and for a long time he's been part of my life for a long time. I don't communicate over the phone or hang out with him and I have never given my new boyfriend the impression that I even have communication with him. He hasn't asked me if I do, he's just bothered by the simple fact that I still have him on my phone and facebook and has asked me to remove him. The only reason he knows this because he asked me. I do really appreciate my new boyfriends ability to communicate the way he feels, but I'm the type of person that kind of does what I want when I want, ofcourse to a certain extent, i'm not going have converstations with my ex or go have lunch with him and expect my new boyfriend to be ok with it. I know that in a relationship you don't do that, but I'm not sure how to handle him wanting me to delete him from my phone and facebook. I mean I can, but if I still wanted to have communication with him I could if I really wanted to. Shouldn't he just have trust in the way our relationship is going and how we treat each other and the feelings that we have for each other that keep growing everyday? What should I say to him?

 

The key in relationships is to communicate openly and honestly, and to try to reach some sort of mutual understanding. Two people aren't always going to see these kinds of things the same way.

 

I would not automatically just capitulate to your current boyfriend. Everyone has a history, and many of us have both friends and even partners who can remain friends prior to a relationship. I don't see that, in and of itself, as being a problem. There are several of my 'exes' or people whom I've dated on my Facebook account. My wife knows about them, because I've told her about them. We also communicate a lot, so a lot of times, if I've received an email -- and we're talking only occasionally here -- then she'll usually know about it because it will come up in our daily conversations. There is disclosure, so my wife knows there is nothing to hide. Of course it also helps knowing that most of my partners are now married and live in different cities, but even so, I think disclosure is an important ingredient in maintaining boundaries.

 

I don't know if a line is necessarily being crossed, but I think the problem your boyfriend has is that there is seems to be a fair amount of close contact. I don't think you mean any harm, but if you want my honest opinion, I would probably be very careful with this. I personally don't think you can be deep friends with an ex and expect your current lover to be okay with this. In the back of my mind, I would always feel like I have to somehow monitor what's going on. If it were some guy you kissed back in sixth grade and you hadn't seen him in years and then you wrote silly messages on each other's FB walls, that would be one thing. But it seems like your current bf is concerned about sharing the more intimate aspects of the relationship with someone else. Personally, I think that's a valid concern.

 

I don't know if it necessarily means you have to cut off *all* contact with your ex, though. It probably doesn't have to come to that, but it probably does mean communicating and reaching a mutual understanding about what the right boundaries are. I think that's what your boyfriend is really looking for here. Right now, he sees really *no* boundaries whatsoever, which is distressing to him, and it would be to anybody, honestly. Out of fear, he is consequently suggesting the radical remedy, which is for you to cut him out of your life completely. That, too, may be inappropriate and unnecessary. What you need to do is to communicate with your boyfriend and find the right boundaries -- and then agree to maintain them.

[DreamerGirl27]

Well, in case this is directed towards me, I'm not 'going after' anyone - I'm just participating in the thread and voicing my opinion, and I don't view that as being 'downright mean'. From DG's response, I don't think she took it as mean, either.

 

I don't think he was referring to you Denise, possibly EyesWideOpen?

[Kelemort]

I don't date anyone who is still friends with an ex, especially if they still see them in person. It's just too much hassle; it causes jealousy and issues in our relationship, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I prefer to date someone who has left their past relationships firmly behind them and is ready to move on to a new relationship with me.

 

Why do you want to stay in touch with your ex anyway? Either he dumped you (in which case he isn't really much of a friend because he didn't want you), or you dumped him (in which case you didn't want him, so why do you want to be his friend?)

 

If I was your bf, I would politely explain how I felt, and would ask you to cut contact with the ex. If you refused, I would end the relationship. Is your ex really worth so much to you that you're prepared to spoil a promising new relationship in order to remain in touch with him?

 

 

I agree with you entirely. This issue has caused SO much pain in my own relationship, and we're 2 1/2 years in - I've probably entertained the thought of breaking up at least a few times a week since around 2 years in because he couldn't let his ex GO. He finally got rid of her on Facebook 2 years in (4 years after their break-up) and got her phone number out of his cell a year and a half in, although not with a great deal of arguing about it. It wasn't fair to me and it still deeply hurts me that he pulled all of that crap.

 

You're still early enough in your relationship that you can change what you're doing so that you don't leave someone in this kind of pain years into your relationship. I'm at a point in ours where I feel like our relationship will never be about us, because until January of this year I was still rather frequently finding evidence of him clinging to her.

 

People often think they can get into relationships and still do whatever they want, and a partner's preferences for a different way is "controlling." BS. Everyone has a right to select what they will and won't tolerate, and when you get into a relationship you accept that you are not an entirely independent creature, but part of a unit now. You work to make BOTH happy, and that includes meeting a simple request and DUMPING your ex.

 

What IS controlling? "You can't wear those clothes." "You can't go out with your friends." "You can't take that job." "Tell me exactly how long you'll be gone. Give me an itinerary." The fact is an ex is and always will be something of a threat in your relationship - they clearly had enough in common to start a romantic relationship. They have history behind them. I've seen so many exes get back together after a problem was resolved that caused the break-up, or even when it wasn't, even when they both had new people involved. Not saying all people go back to their exes, but I think that those who cling to an ex 1.) still love the ex or miss the ex 2.) want to be back together with the ex. So which are you?

 

But saying, "Hey, you're with me now and I don't like that you're still keeping the lines of communication with your ex" isn't controlling to me. I will never again tolerate someone being friends with an ex. It only lead to pain, pain, pain, pain, pain for me. Never again.

 

Please don't continue to do this to your boyfriend. You say you've given him no other reason to doubt your fidelity, but REALLY analyze that. Do you ever talk about your boyfriend? My boyfriend maintained he did 'nothing' to inspire my jealousy, when really he gabbed about his ex almost incessantly, talked about sending her gifts, told me all about their sex life, etc. Uhhhh, I think he might have missed some things...

[DreamerGirl27]

I agree with you entirely. This issue has caused SO much pain in my own relationship, and we're 2 1/2 years in - I've probably entertained the thought of breaking up at least a few times a week since around 2 years in because he couldn't let his ex GO. He finally got rid of her on Facebook 2 years in (4 years after their break-up) and got her phone number out of his cell a year and a half in, although not with a great deal of arguing about it. It wasn't fair to me and it still deeply hurts me that he pulled all of that crap.

 

You're still early enough in your relationship that you can change what you're doing so that you don't leave someone in this kind of pain years into your relationship. I'm at a point in ours where I feel like our relationship will never be about us, because until January of this year I was still rather frequently finding evidence of him clinging to her.

 

 

 

People often think they can get into relationships and still do whatever they want, and a partner's preferences for a different way is "controlling." BS. Everyone has a right to select what they will and won't tolerate, and when you get into a relationship you accept that you are not an entirely independent creature, but part of a unit now. You work to make BOTH happy, and that includes meeting a simple request and DUMPING your ex.

 

What IS controlling? "You can't wear those clothes." "You can't go out with your friends." "You can't take that job." "Tell me exactly how long you'll be gone. Give me an itinerary." The fact is an ex is and always will be something of a threat in your relationship - they clearly had enough in common to start a romantic relationship. They have history behind them. I've seen so many exes get back together after a problem was resolved that caused the break-up, or even when it wasn't, even when they both had new people involved. Not saying all people go back to their exes, but I think that those who cling to an ex 1.) still love the ex or miss the ex 2.) want to be back together with the ex. So which are you?

 

But saying, "Hey, you're with me now and I don't like that you're still keeping the lines of communication with your ex" isn't controlling to me. I will never again tolerate someone being friends with an ex. It only lead to pain, pain, pain, pain, pain for me. Never again.

 

Please don't continue to do this to your boyfriend. You say you've given him no other reason to doubt your fidelity, but REALLY analyze that. Do you ever talk about your boyfriend? My boyfriend maintained he did 'nothing' to inspire my jealousy, when really he gabbed about his ex almost incessantly, talked about sending her gifts, told me all about their sex life, etc. Uhhhh, I think he might have missed some things...

 

Perhaps I need a nicer way of saying things. I tend to be very blunt and sarcastic and I don't say what should be obvious to people in a nice way.

 

I agree with both these statements, except for the part about what IS controlling. I wouldn't find it controlling if my SO wanted me to stop wearing such provocative clothes. Guys usually like it when a girl wears revealing clothes, but once they have you, they want you to cut it out and start covering up. No joke. This is an issue for guys.

 

I also wouldn't find it controlling if someone wanted to know your schedule, especially if you were living with them. That's common courtesy to let someone know when you will be back if you're going out somewhere.

 

But I do agree with, once you're in a relationship, it's not just about you anymore. You're apart of a unit and if you can't understand that, you have no reason to be in apart of a relationship with anyone.

[Kelemort]

Ah, I should've clarified - I wasn't thinking in the sense of "Hey, you're in a relationship, don't dress like a hooker." I was thinking more along the lines of, "You shouldn't wear that sweater because I don't like blue" or something like that. Telling a significant other about your schedule is common courtesy, especially if you live together, you're right - but when it comes to obsessive detailing about the schedule, I think you've a problem.

 

For example, I should be able to say, "I have class until 6, then I'm going out with some friends and I might be home around 9."

 

I shouldn't be faced with a barrage of questions, like: "When does your first class start and end? The second? Who are you going out with? Where? Exactly what time will you be home?" after I've already given a pretty-solid schedule for the day. That would make me feel like I'm not trusted - and like the boyfriend has a control problem.

[DreamerGirl27]

Ah, I should've clarified - I wasn't thinking in the sense of "Hey, you're in a relationship, don't dress like a hooker." I was thinking more along the lines of, "You shouldn't wear that sweater because I don't like blue" or something like that. Telling a significant other about your schedule is common courtesy, especially if you live together, you're right - but when it comes to obsessive detailing about the schedule, I think you've a problem.

 

For example, I should be able to say, "I have class until 6, then I'm going out with some friends and I might be home around 9."

 

I shouldn't be faced with a barrage of questions, like: "When does your first class start and end? The second? Who are you going out with? Where? Exactly what time will you be home?" after I've already given a pretty-solid schedule for the day. That would make me feel like I'm not trusted - and like the boyfriend has a control problem.

 

Ah okay, then I would agree with you then.

[chucksagent]

Everything in life is risk vs. reward. Trust me. I am rich and successful and rarely make bad choices. This formula has ALWAYS worked for me.

 

You say EVERYTHING about this guy is great except he doesn't want you talking to a person you have slept with in the past. This person he doesn't want you speaking to is also someone who you evidently didn't get along that great with because you ultimately broke up.

 

So let's apply the formula. The risk is "giving up a former lover who you didn't really get along with" and the reward is "making someone who treats you like a princess currently (your words) feel better about themsevles by MERELY deleting someone you DON'T get along with WHO DOES NOT treat you (and did not treat you) like a princess. Hmmmmm...c'mon I don't care WHO you are this HAS to be a no brainer...this formula isn't even HARD to figure out?

 

The fact that you say "You just don't like people telling you what to do." Oh no, are you going to go wear white face paint and color your hair black now to make Daddy mad. You look at ANY couple together 25, 50 years...They ALL sacrifice things for their significant other...and it's not because THEY WERE TOLD to do it, it's because they were MADE AWARE of how it made someone they love feel...and if you loved him you would have done it, no questions asked (unless you are the angry goth teenager I portrayed above)...Lol...

 

Or, you are still in love with your ex and can't face that fact. I can't tell what it is based on the amount of data you've given me. And no doubt you making this such a difficult thing LED to his behavior about the computer night...I'd be paranoid too of what you were doing if you made such a big deal about doing something you should have done just out of respect.

 

And btw, sending eachother good mornings and stuff...come on, have some respect for crying out loud. That is awful and rude and not something you do to a person who treats you like a princess. What's wrong with this world. Selfish selfish selfish.

[blueskyday]

I was going to say the same thing. Deleting the ex simply shows you care about the new boyfriend's feelings. Happy couples draw a protective line around themselves that includes caring about and responding to their partner's feelings, and keeping the relationship safe from outside threats.

 

Sorry, but being a friend with the ex is an added bonus, not a right. If it threatens the relationship at all, even just in the mind of one of the pair, then one should let it go. It shows your SO that they matter more...and it's well on the good side of the control line.

 

In fact, I'd dump any guy who told me that they had the right to stay friends with an ex over my objection. My sense of safety and happiness is way more important.

 

That said, if we were all buddies, with full disclosure, then maybe it would be fine. Bottom line, though, it would be my call to say no..as it would be his if the situation was reversed...

 

Not controlling, just smart...Why would anyone spend energy reaching back when their future is in front of them? Stack the decks in favor of a positive outcome...

[nordic]

baby, you would been in such trouble with me it would not have been funny. in fact, there would not have been a functioning computer in the house after i found that out.

 

get rid of that, or its gonna bite you. it probably already does.