Meeting ex for first time after 6 weeks NC! needed!

[skylines1987]

So quick update my gf finished with me 6 weeks ago i went no contact and has text me asking to meet up over Easter as she's back from uni. We had been together for 3 years but towards the end the long distance was starting to cause issues between us. She finished with me stating I didnt treat her the same as in first 2 years and loads of other rubbish, yes I'll admit it was rubbish but it was because we hardly saw one another. So she finishes uni in June and is coming home, as far as I'm aware.

 

Anyway meeting her Sunday what do's and donts do you have for me?

 

I dont think she Wants me back she said I would never change who knows why she wants to me?

 

Must admit I want her back we were properly in love

 

Thanks

[oldguy]

Don't over think it dude. For all you know she may want to introduce you to her new bf. Probably not, but see what can happen if you over think it?

 

Why don't you text her back & ask what she wants to do, lunch, dinner, breakfast? I wouldn't actually putting that way mind you.

[skylines1987]

Don't over think it dude. For all you know she may want to introduce you to her new bf. Probably not, but see what can happen if you over think it?

 

Why don't you text her back & ask what she wants to do, lunch, dinner, breakfast? I wouldn't actually putting that way mind you.

 

 

Yeh I know I shouldnt over think it I doubt she is going to have brought any new bf back from Southampton could well tell me there is someone else. My head and all my friends said dont meet her but I thought if I don't meet her I may never know.

[ASG]

I would suggest an informal coffee you can get away from if things start to become too heavy for you. You don't want to be stuck in a 3 course meal if you start feeling that you just want to get away! I remember being out for coffee with an ex and him telling me he had started dating some girl. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Imagine if I was still waiting for a main meal?

 

I would also not bring up the relationship. Play it cool, Don't let her know you're in pain. Keep it casual and light.

[skylines1987]

I would suggest an informal coffee you can get away from if things start to become too heavy for you. You don't want to be stuck in a 3 course meal if you start feeling that you just want to get away! I remember being out for coffee with an ex and him telling me he had started dating some girl. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Imagine if I was still waiting for a main meal?

 

I would also not bring up the relationship. Play it cool, Don't let her know you're in pain. Keep it casual and light.

 

Thanks for the advice I was thinking coffee maybe the place we first met and chatted for 4 hours? Bosons tea party!

 

I definitely won't bring up relationship just want to show her I can cope without her and am doing loads without her what questions do I avoid? Do i let her take the lead? And choose where to go?

[Eddie Edirol]

Dont meet up with her dude. Every thread that someone started that stated they were meeting up with an ex after NC and it was ALWAYS heartbreaker. The dumper basically met up with the dumpee to close to the door. Dont do it, it will break your hear all over again.

 

If she wants to close the door, she can do it in text or over the phone. Whatever she wants, let her tell you over the phone. if she wanted to try again, let her tel you over the phone first, dont met up with her unless you already know that she wants to try again.

[longterm]

As a guy that has just done this last week... Just go and talk about life itself. Absolutely nothing about the break. You can talk about what you're doing with yourself because that WILL come up. Just make sure you make it look good even if its crap. Try to remain distant as you can too. IF she tries to address the break itself... AVOID. Act as if it's not the huge deal and only respond bleakly. The break itself sucked, but your life is good.

 

I didn't even hug. At beginning or end. We talked about our lives and what we are doing and trying to accomplish. Nothing about dating anybody or anything like that. I brought up the break a little but in my case, I said it HAD to happen. It had to happen in order for any pressure to disappear. I still stated that I wanted to see her, but she showed absolutely no desire for me in the same way. She even asked me if that would be "awkward" since what we been through. I told her that I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. Trust me here, you don't either! This is a very possible reason for her seeing you at this time. Try your best.

 

I ended up giving this friend thing a try although we haven't seen each other at all yet. I'm sure she is debating it as we are very much attracted to each other. Could turn into friends with bennies in my case. Don't go the friendship route unless you can deal with her dating... it sucks!

[Fufu]

If you want to meet her, meet her with no objective in your mind.

 

meaning, it's not about second chance and reconciliation because you don't know why and what is she meeting you for.

 

Though, I will recommend not to meet her because right now you still have romantic feelings for her and you will not be able to think logically and probably may fall into the trap of feeding breadcrumbs.

[longterm]

I totally agree with both Eddie and FuFu... There is too much temptation on seeing her. I know you will see her. If you do, be prepared for an end to this as well. It doesn't seem like it from what you wrote but you must prepare for it. I think mine was going to end it on me too, but I must have played it cool, etc. She didn't end it but came clean later on. Now I am NC and waiting to even know about "friends". blah!

[Chi townD]

And what EXACTLY is the reason for meeting up with her in the first place?

[skylines1987]

Dont meet up with her dude. Every thread that someone started that stated they were meeting up with an ex after NC and it was ALWAYS heartbreaker. The dumper basically met up with the dumpee to close to the door. Dont do it, it will break your hear all over again.

 

If she wants to close the door, she can do it in text or over the phone. Whatever she wants, let her tell you over the phone. if she wanted to try again, let her tel you over the phone first, dont met up with her unless you already know that she wants to try again.

 

 

Thanks for the messages guys, eddie - she closed the door on my on the phone when we broke up, she is so stubborn she would never tell me she wants to "try again" over the phone, my thinking is go to this meet, show i have moved on and happy as i am, it will eat her up! but yes it will probably eat me up to, but if you dont try you dont get right?

[skylines1987]

And what EXACTLY is the reason for meeting up with her in the first place?

 

 

exact reason i dont know, but she text me a week before she was coming home to ask if i wanted my weight gainer and hard drive back, which i replied no thanks but thanks for texting. what you can gage from these texts i dont know? i didnt answer questions and played it cool i think...

 

then i got this on sunday: "hey jus, how are you? hows work? i am back for easter atm and it would be nice to see you at some point, fi x"

 

i replied "hey im very well thanks you? works really good, busy, hows uni? im a bit busy this week how long are you back for?" - basically showing she does not come first anymore and she had said she was only back for a week, turns out its 4 weeks!

 

her reply "im good thanks got lots of work to do and finish my dissertation this holiday. uni is ok i did well in my jan exams which is good, im back till 26 april then back to uni for my last term its so scary to think i will be a graduate! what team are you working in atm? glad your well and works all good x"

 

my reply: "well done on the exams! working in commercial property heading up a renewables technology team and basically work for deborah meaden so its really good. i thought you were only back for a week, how are you fixed sunday eve?"

 

hers "thanks, thats exciting especially if you get to work with big names can pick up alot of useful tips. im staying for slightly longer due to the library being close for a week and mum is determined to feed me up, the usual. sunday is fine with me" - basically when things arnt good fi starves herself, indication?

 

my reply "fair enough well is it ok to play it by ear, im going surfing sunday so not sure when ill be back, weather dependant x"

 

she basically replied saying its fine.

 

what do you make of it if anything? i dont want to go with any expectation but also dont want to miss an opportunity. she did say i would never change but also said if she was back from uni she doubted we would have ever broken up... i think she is confused atm, all her friends became single she followed suit, she doesnt know what to do now uni has finished, stressed with final year at uni but blamed me??

[oldguy]

Yeh I know I shouldnt over think it I doubt she is going to have brought any new bf back from Southampton could well tell me there is someone else. My head and all my friends said dont meet her but I thought if I don't meet her I may never know.

 

Not meeting her would always leave you wondering, thats a bad idea IMO

[Chi townD]

exact reason i dont know, but she text me a week before she was coming home to ask if i wanted my weight gainer and hard drive back, which i replied no thanks but thanks for texting. what you can gage from these texts i dont know? i didnt answer questions and played it cool i think...

 

then i got this on sunday: "hey jus, how are you? hows work? i am back for easter atm and it would be nice to see you at some point, fi x"

 

i replied "hey im very well thanks you? works really good, busy, hows uni? im a bit busy this week how long are you back for?" - basically showing she does not come first anymore and she had said she was only back for a week, turns out its 4 weeks!

 

her reply "im good thanks got lots of work to do and finish my dissertation this holiday. uni is ok i did well in my jan exams which is good, im back till 26 april then back to uni for my last term its so scary to think i will be a graduate! what team are you working in atm? glad your well and works all good x"

 

my reply: "well done on the exams! working in commercial property heading up a renewables technology team and basically work for deborah meaden so its really good. i thought you were only back for a week, how are you fixed sunday eve?"

 

hers "thanks, thats exciting especially if you get to work with big names can pick up alot of useful tips. im staying for slightly longer due to the library being close for a week and mum is determined to feed me up, the usual. sunday is fine with me" - basically when things arnt good fi starves herself, indication?

 

my reply "fair enough well is it ok to play it by ear, im going surfing sunday so not sure when ill be back, weather dependant x"

 

she basically replied saying its fine.

 

what do you make of it if anything? i dont want to go with any expectation but also dont want to miss an opportunity. she did say i would never change but also said if she was back from uni she doubted we would have ever broken up... i think she is confused atm, all her friends became single she followed suit, she doesnt know what to do now uni has finished, stressed with final year at uni but blamed me??

 

 

HELLO BREADCRUMBS!!!!! Dude, really hate to say it, she only wants to be on friendly terms with you. Welcome to the friend zone! If you didn't suggest you meet up on Sunday, she never would have. From what you've written, nothing in there suggests that she wants you back, or she thought she made a mistake by ending it with you...nothing. I could be wrong, but my gut is telling me different.....sorry.

[skylines1987]

HELLO BREADCRUMBS!!!!! Dude, really hate to say it, she only wants to be on friendly terms with you. Welcome to the friend zone! If you didn't suggest you meet up on Sunday, she never would have. From what you've written, nothing in there suggests that she wants you back, or she thought she made a mistake by ending it with you...nothing. I could be wrong, but my gut is telling me different.....sorry.

 

Thanks i tend To agree but... She was the one who initially asked to meet, i said I was busy but suggested Sunday. I thought this a good opportunity to show her lifes good In the hope she may think hmm I'm missing out here, probably not but if I didn't try I might live in regret!

 

She's very stubborn so she would not text saying I miss u etc etc

 

Meeting not a good idea then? If I'm in friend zone it's back to NC for

Me!

[ASG]

If you want to be friends with her, then by all means, go ahead and meet her.

I tend to have the approach that, if I spent X amount of time with someone and we didn't break up on bad terms, I want to be friends with that person, whether I'm the dumper or dumpee.

 

But if your only reason for meeting her is to get her to come back to you... then I'm afraid you're out of luck. I would say from that exchange that she wants to catch up, cause you dated for however long. She doesn't want you back.

 

So if being friends is not something you want, don't go.

[skylines1987]

If you want to be friends with her, then by all means, go ahead and meet her.

I tend to have the approach that, if I spent X amount of time with someone and we didn't break up on bad terms, I want to be friends with that person, whether I'm the dumper or dumpee.

 

But if your only reason for meeting her is to get her to come back to you... then I'm afraid you're out of luck. I would say from that exchange that she wants to catch up, cause you dated for however long. She doesn't want you back.

 

So if being friends is not something you want, don't go.

 

ASG - thanks for your honesty! I guess your right we dated for 3 years and were very close. As much as I'd love to be friends with her I can't the thought of her and someone else would kill me, out of sight out of mind!

 

I read the g.I.g.s article today, it completely sums her up and our breakup

 

She wanted to stand on her own two feet and is confused with what she wants to do with life whereas I'm pretty settled at work and have lots outside of work. Just don't have the girl now which sucks! I guess 2-3 years down the line would have been perfect!

 

So to go Sunday or how do I tell her I don't want to meet?

[ASG]

I would just say the something has come up. And not bring up the subject of rescheduling.

That way you're not even giving her an insight as to why.

[skylines1987]

I would just say the something has come up. And not bring up the subject of rescheduling.

That way you're not even giving her an insight as to why.

 

 

Haha she will read me like a book, she knows I'm surfing in the day and things don't "come up" on a Sunday! Possibly on a week day...

 

There would obviously be no point in rescheduling.

[ASG]

It doesn't matter though. And things do come up. On a sunday or any other day. It doesn't have to be work related. It may be a nicer social plan!

[skylines1987]

So I have read a forum which discussed NC then the dumper texts asking to meet in my situation and it says meet them and act like u don't care about breakup don't talk about it and how how u don't need them and apparently it might swing the pendulum back in your direction, so might I be missing an opportunity even if she's only meeting to "catch up"

 

Any thoughts people?

[Exit]

You know, I've read that same information you're talking about. "If your ex ever comes back around and wants to hang out, play it cool, keep it light, don't discuss the relationship". I don't have the patience to play games like that. I see no point in doing anything in life that requires me to hide how I truly feel, to pretend to be something other than myself. That sounds like such a painful process, and it sounds pointless to me. If my ex ever came back around (and hopefully she does because we talked about having dinner some time), I can't imagine just sitting there with her and pretending I don't care and hoping that I didn't just blow my ONE CHANCE to tell her how I feel again, because someone told me to sit there and pretend I don't care.

 

So that's my opinion on that whole issue. If you really think you're missing an opportunity to meet with her and act like you're fine and hope that tactic wins her back, then go for it. Frankly declining her offer to hang out would accomplish about the same thing, you'll seem like you don't care or you aren't desperate to see her.

 

Do what you want to do. Compare your options, and ask yourself how you'll feel a year from now if you decide to see her, or if you turned down her offer, etc.

[ASG]

I get what you're saying, but it kinda depends on what message you want to pass. You may not want to come accross as needy and desperate. I know I wouldn't.

 

That being said though, I've recently broken up with my ex, and we do talk about how we feel, cause it was a mutual break up and we know there's no going back. We have been supporting each other.

But the thing here is that neither of us wants the other back.

If I was a dumper and met up with my ex and he kept going on and on about how much he misses me and how is life if not the same and how he's miserable, I'd get really tired, really fast. Cause more often than not, the dumper is also suffering and doesn't want to be reminded of how much pain he/she caused.

[dragonfly22]

I agree with Exit. Of course you can eventually come off as needy and desperate, but I'm not one for games either. If the dumper is upset when the other person talks about feelings then he/she should just end the conversation and realize its not time for meet-ups yet.

 

I honestly can't imagine meeting my ex-boyfriend right now and act "normal". No way. It would just be akward and fake. I will act as his friend if I ever get to see him as only a friend. But if I still love him I will say it. Of course knowing him...we will probably never meet again unless we bump into each other somewhere.

[skylines1987]

Thanks again guys and girls for your comments, apreciate it!

 

I must admit the idea of being all fake doesnt appeal but i can see how it might work. With my ex ex who i was with for 3 years, i finished with her after about 2 years and met for a coffee about a month later and she sounded like she was having the best fun so i wanted some of that! and promptly got back with her, so there is something to be said for acting confident and happy!

 

so heres the deal, d day is sunday 3 options:

 

1. go, act like im happy moving on with life (which i am, just neglect the miss u love u parts)

 

2. send her a message on the day saying sorry somethings come up

 

3. send her an email just explaining that meeting isnt a good idea because as her and i both know "friends" doesnt work after a relationship as when we were together i was not allowed to talk to my ex, i was fine with her chatting to hers, but she soon sacked him off. so she when she finds a new guy (if she hasnt already) will shut the door on me once again, and im better than that! i would keep it light hearted not say any of the miss u stuff and just wish her all the best and go back to NC.

 

your thoughts kind people...