boyfriend started smoking cigarettes and lying about it

[kiss_andmakeup]

When my boyfriend and I met three years ago he had been quit of cigarette smoking for 2 years (prior to that he smoked for almost 15 years). During the time we've been together I've never once seen him smoke a cigarette, or even come home smelling like smoke or any other indicators.

 

However a couple of weeks ago I started finding cigarette butts and ashes in weird places in our apartment. The first time I confronted him he said they were from his friend who smokes (I know this to be true) and he had been over to visit that day. I believed him since I only saw a couple. Then I found more a couple days later, knowing his friend hadn't been over. I asked him about it (note that every time I confront him I've been extremely casual and non-accusatory, i.e. "honey why are there cigarette butts in here?") and he started mumbling and said that his friend had left a pack over and he had just smoked a couple. Although this bothered me I let it go because I don't want to come off as controlling or invasive.

 

But now I keep finding indicators...ashes in a glass, butts hidden in a plastic bottle, etc. It's obvious he's smoking, even if just a few cigarettes a day. We work opposite schedules so even though we live together he has plenty of time to himself (like I said I've never actually seen him smoke).

 

Last night I confronted him a third time, still calmly, and he seemingly straight-up, ball-faced lied to me, making up something about how the pack that was left here by his friend had a few more in it. It's gotten so ridiculous that he might as well tell me his dog ate his homework.

 

Now I feel stuck because I am typically such a passive person, especially within a relationship, and I dread coming off as the controlling girlfriend. But smoking cigarettes has always been a dealbreaker for me and, in the case of my boyfriend and I, I worry because he's already more than 10 years older than me. I don't want to lose him before I have to! On top of it, the fact that he was so obviously lying to me really hurt my feelings.

 

This makes me especially mad considering he has the gall to criticize my health (as I described here: http://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/pic/22383563).

 

How do I handle this? Not say anything anymore and just leave it alone? I feel like the more I confront him the more he's just going to lie to me.

[carhill]

State your boundaries.

 

'Smoking is not acceptable to me and, if you continue, I must move out'

 

It's OK for him to smoke, and smoke in his domicile, and he can do it alone. No harm in that, other than to his health. It's a choice.

 

Disclaimer: life-long non-smoker who had two parents who smoked for most of their lives.

[kiss_andmakeup]

State your boundaries.

 

'Smoking is not acceptable to me and, if you continue, I must move out'

 

It's OK for him to smoke, and smoke in his domicile, and he can do it alone. No harm in that, other than to his health. It's a choice.

 

Disclaimer: life-long non-smoker who had two parents who smoked for most of their lives.

 

I'm thinking you're right Carhill. I guess I just fear I'll say that, he'll agree, and then just continue lying but be more "careful" about not leaving evidence.

[carhill]

If you require evidence to enforce your boundary (a simple one would be no smoking in or around your shared domicile), a motion activated digital video camera would be a great tool to 'trust with verification'. Such tools are great for a lot of things, so consider it an 'investment' if you're the type of person who likes clear and undeniable evidence.

 

I got this idea from my best friend, who uses satellite tracking equipment and other technologies to track his company vehicles and employees. He spent the tens of thousands for the same reason you're here posting; he was catching people in lies and wanted verification.

 

Myself, if I didn't feel the dynamic was positive and the boundary was of the deal-breaker sort, I'd be gone, but I'm old and tired of the game. YMMV. Hope it works out

[Cee]

Your boyfriend is lying because he's in denial. He thinks this is a phase and he'll stop. The problem is he has the monkey on his back again and now he likes those few cigarettes a day. But over time, he'll be back to his original habit.

 

He's quit before and it sounds like he's not interested in being a smoker again. I think you might as well do what the American Cancer Society recommends. Have him pick a quit date. And you can use that as you're going to leave him unless he quits date, too.

 

I don't want to depress you, but most smokers relapse multiple times before quitting for good. Read up on the research and you'll better understand what I'm talking about. Don't blame your BF on this. The cigarette companies make their products extremely addictive. And they make the cigarettes burn faster so people will smoke more.

 

As far as finding out if he's smoking, smell his clothes in the laundry. Unless he washes his clothes every day, you will detect the smell of smoke.

 

Good luck.

[kiss_andmakeup]

If you require evidence to enforce your boundary (a simple one would be no smoking in or around your shared domicile), a motion activated digital video camera would be a great tool to 'trust with verification'. Such tools are great for a lot of things, so consider it an 'investment' if you're the type of person who likes clear and undeniable evidence.

 

I got this idea from my best friend, who uses satellite tracking equipment and other technologies to track his company vehicles and employees. He spent the tens of thousands for the same reason you're here posting; he was catching people in lies and wanted verification.

 

Myself, if I didn't feel the dynamic was positive and the boundary was of the deal-breaker sort, I'd be gone, but I'm old and tired of the game. YMMV. Hope it works out

 

Oh gosh, I don't think I could live with myself if I had to put up a camera to spy on him! Not to mention it's way too expensive! Thanks for all the advice and feedback though, I do appreciate it.

 

Your boyfriend is lying because he's in denial. He thinks this is a phase and he'll stop. The problem is he has the monkey on his back again and now he likes those few cigarettes a day. But over time, he'll be back to his original habit.

 

He's quit before and it sounds like he's not interested in being a smoker again. I think you might as well do what the American Cancer Society recommends. Have him pick a quit date. And you can use that as you're going to leave him unless he quits date, too.

 

I don't want to depress you, but most smokers relapse multiple times before quitting for good. Read up on the research and you'll better understand what I'm talking about. Don't blame your BF on this. The cigarette companies make their products extremely addictive. And they make the cigarettes burn faster so people will smoke more.

 

As far as finding out if he's smoking, smell his clothes in the laundry. Unless he washes his clothes every day, you will detect the smell of smoke.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the info and advice. I think you're right; he's definitely in denial. It's just painful when you know you're being lied to.

[BeginAgain]

Supposedly nicotine is the cause of cigarette addiction. It is a poison to the body and needs to be evacuated. Since time is of the essence I would suggest treating it like a venom by first sucking it from his anaconda. Make sure not to swallow any of it yourself. The poison could be quite lethal.