Do I know what love is?

[xiuxiub]

My husband and I hit a rough patch last summer. I realized we needed to start planning for a family and my husband realized maybe he doesn't want kids after all. I told myself I'd give it a year and see. We went to counseling only two times and it kind of helped, but I started thinking maybe we weren't meant to be together, that we want different things.

Then, my husband warmed to the idea of kids. I do wonder if he thought of what life would be like if we divorced and he just didn't want to deal with it. I think he could go either way with kids, but he is concerned with being able to afford them.

He is not good at saving money- he is the spender. He also gets caught up in these new hobbies and just goes all out. He is very active and when we met, he was skateboarding and golfing. Then, he became obsessed with golf. Then, he went back to skateboarding, then he hurt his back and started kayaking and fishing. Of course, along with these things, he has to buy new skateboard pads, shoes, helmet, a kayak, fishing equipment. Now he's obsessed with cigars and working at a cigar store in addition to his 8-5. Now he has all these humidors and projects like making a cooler into a humidor.

It's just...I don't feel we ever spend quality time together. He is very affectionate and sweet to me, but he usually comes home and heads right to the porch to smoke a cigar and chat on-line with cigar buddies. Saturday mornings, he's up at the crack of dawn fishing, then Sunday, he's working at the cigar shop. He always tries to get me involved with him- I did take up golf for him, but I refused to buy a kayak without knowing if I really wanted to do it! So, I suggested us playing golf together Saturday morning and he said he'd rather fish.

He was in a bad mood and said maybe Saturday afternoon, but I feel like I am his housekeeper. I bring him coffee in bed every morning, I clean the house myself, and take care of the animals. I know this is my role as his wife, but I wonder now how good of a husband he is. He sometimes shirks his outdoor duties to go play. He doesn't seem to be too concerned with paying off his credit card debt so we can start being grown ups, like, have kids, or go on vacation.

I know I love him, but I wonder if I am in love with him. I would think the majority of the people would say, "if you have to ask..." But I question everything. I guess I feel we are very comfortable with one another, hence, the housekeeper feeling. We don't have sex often, I have to initiate. This is the longest relationship I've ever had, so I guess I think, is this marriage? The passion just fades, or do I just not have passion for him?

I hadn't thought of my year deadline that is approaching until recently. Things were going well and I thought we'd be trying for a baby soon. Then, I realized we do not have the money for one and that made me realize that I don't believe my husband cares enough to work towards that. Like, maybe he'll just keep spending so it never seems like a good idea to have a child.

It just feels like a lot is missing. I usually do not wear eye makeup. When I do for special occasions, he never notices or comments. When I am dressed up as well, he doesn't say anything. He never takes me out on dates. We went to the beach recently and I was looking forward to us reconnecting. It ended up feeling a lot like home- he was off at cigar bars and we just watched TV for the most part.

I feel like it's his world and I'm just living in it, cleaning up after him- he goes off and does his thing while I clean the house. I really do not want a divorce, but I wonder if I am turning a blind eye to him not being responsible and I'm going to wake up one day at 45 and realize we are not meant to be.

[linwood]

I suggest you print your post out and show it to him.

 

Let him know how he`s making you feel.

[zakfar]

You didn't mention the most important point. How long are you married? Also important, what are your ages.

 

Anyway, first of all I would like to mention that you're not doing anything bad. You are a perfect housewife. I can understand your 'housekeeping' feelings. You indeed deserve more respect from him. You love him and you really care for him.

 

From the way you wrote your passage, it seems to me that you are serious about keeping your marriage. You actually want to improve it, and work out the things. So far you have failed in whatever you tried, but you want to find out the ways. You gave talked to him many times. He responds positively, but just in his words, but does not try to do anything serious to improve himself. Overall, you don't mind his passions for those sports. All you want is that he should give you more respect, and try to understand your feelings. He should love you the way you love him. If this is the case, then you don't need to worry.

 

You need to understand his mentality, and once you are up with that, you will be able to better handle the situation. The people like your husband, they have 'Extremity' of focus on one thing. When they have something in their mind, everything in the surrounding becomes of much lesser importance than its worth. It's more like a deaf can't know if someone is shouting behind him, no matter how loud it is.

 

It is not like he doesn't love you, and doesn't respect you. It's more like he is unaware of your presence as he can't see you. His passions for fish, golf, cigars, and all the others seem to like a temporary fits (though can last for a little longer). But during those fits, the other things lost the importance, like cigars taking over fishing, and fishing taking over golf. The thing that's in his sight is the most important thing for him.

 

What you need to do is to bring yourself in his focus. Although it seems very simple in literal sense, in psychology, it's very difficult process. Though slow and time consuming, the best one is to follow his steps to get to him. I know you don't have any interest in all of those passion fits, but taking interest in them will help you a lot. You talk to him about those things, he would love it. The distance between you will reduce.

 

Let's say, currently he has a passion fit for cigars. Spend two hours on internet and learn about cigars. Use Wikepdia. It can be a great help. Read about cigars, types, famous manufacturers, etc. When he gets to home, ask him about the cigars. Don't tell him that you researched on the topic. Just pose as if somehow, 'he has gained your attention'.... 'You like to watch him smoking cigars'... etc.

 

When he talks more, talk to him. Surprise him with your information on the topic. You can tell him that 'he is always with you'... and you take him very seriously. Trust me! Your day can end with a passionate sex as well. All you need to do is to show your interest in the things he is interested in, and he will be back to you. More you try to push him away from you, more he will avoid your feelings. You will soon realize that he is just like a young boy, for whom the most important thing is his toy.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

Edited April 14, 2011 by zakfar

[ImageofLove]

It sounds like he is taking on all of these hobbies to subconsciously avoid having children. Although if he was like this before maybe it is just him. As I tell my partner (he is similar to your husband with hobbies), it's great to have a hobby but not at the expense of spending time together as a couple! Otherwise, you just feel like you're living with a lazy housemate who doesn't clean and with nothing in common! Even worse you can't even go out and meet somebody more similar to yourself because you're supposed to be faithful. It doesn't seem fair that his needs are being met in every way but yours aren't being met in any way. Does he come along to your hobbies?

 

I agree with the first poster saying that you should show him your post so he knows how he's making you feel. That's the only way to get through to him. If he loves you and wants to make the marriage work he will make some changes. If he doesn't you should leave because there is no point being in a relationship with someone who is so self involved and your needs aren't being met.

 

Good luck!

[xiuxiub]

Wow- I thought my post was so lame and vague, I didn't think I'd get any advice! I really appreciate all of the advice given. I know communication is key and we can do that well. I have talked about a lack of passion and him getting his act together by deciding if he wants a family with me- or if he wants to live like a bachelor for the rest of his life, having fun on his terms.

I confided in a friend about how much money we bring home and she was shocked that we're saying we can't afford day care and stuff. We finally joined finances after 4 years of marriage and we are semi late in child bearing years. I am almost 33 and he is 38. But, he still has his own checking account, credit cards, etc. I have been making excuses for him, like, Oh, he just bought all that kayak equipment, but now he's set. Or, oh, he spent $100 on cigars, but that will last him a while.

So, I looked at his credit card charges and I realized he had spent $560 on a little over 2 weeks on cigars and cigar-related items, like, lighters, or the coolidor! Plus, he had paid all of it off except for $44. I don't know exactly where he is paying it from- I guess his own accounts. I sound so dumb knowing so little about this, but I was trying to respect his privacy, he works hard for his money- I want him to enjoy himself. But when I confided in my mom, she said, "he needs help with his spending and if he won't recognize that, you should leave."

I think she is right, but, of course, I pray he will see there is a problem. I have a feeling he will be defensive and say he's paying for it all with his 2nd job at the cigar store, but that pays about $200 a month.

I know a while ago, he mentioned we'd only be able to have 2 kids if he made $100K a year. Now I am thinking, ok, so we just need to be sure there is an extra $1000 to spend a month on YOU?

I know he'll be defensive, but I have a feeling I am right about this and I can't stay in a marriage where I don't trust my husband with money. I guess I'm still thinking I might be overreacting since what I've read about overspenders is that they are out of control. His life is manageable- we have no creditors calling us- it's not like that. I think he doesn't want to grow up and if he wants something, he's going to get it.

I am sound cliched, but I just can't believe my marriage could end over money.

Thanks, again, for everyone's help and advice!