Helloo Again!!

[Paulie]

I've been away for the weekend, and what a weekend it was! I haven't burdened you all with my idiot ex for a while, and do have a quick question. I plan to take Tony's advice, and not EVER have contact with her again. However, is it okay to be introspectively looking for answers, and talking to people about my feelings of intense grief and disappointment of love gone bad? Or should I, as Tony said, "delete her from my hard drive, and move on." Is it possible to do both simultaneously? Even though she treated me so badly, I still hurt not for her, but for the good times that once were. I feel I have to grieve for those times, but still live in the present, and move on. Tony, and the rest of ya, what do you think? I'm still really hurting.

[Tony T]

I really love certain foods, like barbecue, but it gives me intense indigestion and I can't sleep the night I eat them...BUT I STILL LOVE IT...particularly barbecue ribs.

 

It is very possible to love something (in my case barbecue) or, in your case, someone who can cause great pain to you. Accept that.

 

Just as I absolutely LOVE eating barbecue while I'm doing so, you absolutely LOVED this girl while she was treating you nicely. Love can be absolutely wonderful. It never goes bad, we just sort of get allergic to the loving interactions with certain people. That's natures cue to move on. That didn't make the time ythe two of you were together any worse...matter of fact they could have been the best of times...but when it becomes painful it's nature's way of saying move on down the road. That's just like indigestion is nature's way of telling me "OK, you enjoyed the barbecue but you're going to have to lay off of it for a while."

 

I hurt for the times that I was able to eat all foods freely but now have to watch things more closely. You hurt for the great part of a relationship that has now gone.

 

Love never goes bad. Love is something that is enjoyed in the present. Love is something in the here and now. Love can disappear but it doesn't go bad. The nature of love is to be GREAT and even better. But before it would go bad, it simply withdraws disappears. So what you are mourning is that love decided to disappear.

 

But the great thing about love is that it always reappears in much better places.

 

And I will discover foods I will love greater than barbecue.

 

And both of us will be much happier dudes in the longrun. In the meantime, we just have to get used to reality.

[Paulie]

Your analogy about barbecue food is kinda weak, Tony, in my opinion. You can continue to love barbecue food all your life, and maybe just not eat it because it causes indigestion. I HAVE TO fall out of love with this girl, or else I will be constantly in pain. In other words, your affection for barbecued food can always be there, whether or not you eat it. Something must change in the way I love this girl. A big difference, you see? Also, the nature of this girl has changed, or the real person has now come out (and I would be curious to know which you think is the case)---but barbecued food pretty much is a consistently satisfying thing for you. Thus, I have problems with your post. Please clarify if you would.

 

[Tony T]

Excuse me for the bad example. Just trying to help. Your criticism is greatly appreciated. Sorry you didn't get the drift I meant. But good luck!!!

 

Too much talking about barbecue...gotta go get something to eat now!!!!

[Jodie]

Hey Paulie, all this talk about barbeques aside, I think that in moderation some introspection and grieving is essential to your healing. If we all went through life and ignored all the bad stuff I don't think that we would learn anything. I'm a believer that all the bad stuff we go through is to learn from, so that the next time we don't make all the same mistakes.

 

Talk to your friends, and do some soul searching. I think that to find out where you went wrong will prepare you better for the time when you meet someone else. Hopefully you will base your choices on what you want, and also what you don't want. Just be careful though not to burden your friends too much with your problems, people get really sick of it, and start avoiding.

 

When my marriage broke up, I read a book called "Rebuilding" by Dr Bruce Fisher, and I found it really helpful. It detailed all the stages that we go through, and for the most part was pretty accurate. Maybe that will help.

 

I do think that when we bury emotions, they will surface again at some stage in the future, usually when we least expect them. Deal with all your grieving now, and then move on.