Ex has facebook pics of me on his page 8 mths after breakup

[makelemonade1974]

My ex has been extremely hateful since dumping me back in September. He has made it clear he does NOT want to be friends or even be in the same room with me. What bothers me is that there are a LOT of pictures of the two of us that are still up on his facebook page. Many of these are "couple pictures" with our arms around each other or speaking privately with our heads close together. Others of them are in groups of people. These are not picture he has put up himself - he hasn't EVER posted pics on FB. These were posted by mutual friends and many were posted by a girl we traveled with in France last year (who knows we broke up and it was messy).

 

The thing is - all he has to do is untag himself and they will disappear from his page. That's what I've done with all of them. I just don't understand his motivations in leaving them up if he truly "hates" me so much like he has expressed. I'm thinking maybe the fact that I'm cute will make him look better to other women? Like it's a status thing? Appearances, status and professional accomplishment are very important to him.

 

Thoughts? I don't want to contact anyone to take them down. I just feel like it would make me look vindictive.

[betterdeal]

Block him and you don't ever have to see what's on his Facebook ever again.

[Movingthrough]

My ex has been extremely hateful since dumping me back in September. He has made it clear he does NOT want to be friends or even be in the same room with me. What bothers me is that there are a LOT of pictures of the two of us that are still up on his facebook page. Many of these are "couple pictures" with our arms around each other or speaking privately with our heads close together. Others of them are in groups of people. These are not picture he has put up himself - he hasn't EVER posted pics on FB. These were posted by mutual friends and many were posted by a girl we traveled with in France last year (who knows we broke up and it was messy).

 

The thing is - all he has to do is untag himself and they will disappear from his page. That's what I've done with all of them. I just don't understand his motivations in leaving them up if he truly "hates" me so much like he has expressed. I'm thinking maybe the fact that I'm cute will make him look better to other women? Like it's a status thing? Appearances, status and professional accomplishment are very important to him.

 

Thoughts? I don't want to contact anyone to take them down. I just feel like it would make me look vindictive.

 

 

I have followed a lot of your posts and was about to comment on the other one you have going, but one thing I'm seeing that is common through out is that he "says" he doesn't want you in his life, done with you etc.

 

From a guys point of view what this screams to me is him being a baby. "I don't ever want to hear from you again" etc etc, yet pics are still up. This is manipulation. He said all that stuff to you about never wanting to talk to you and what has it done? Obviously like any of us, it has hurt you, thats why he did it. Not maliciously but in a sense of "I'm feeling hurt because of xyz so I'm going to act like i want you gone for good". This is one of the biggest blows to a dumper or dumpee (usually), saying i don't ever want to hear from you again. My ex who broke it off with me, jumped right to another guy, told me and another friend to please not "kick her out of my life", yet she had the "perfect" scenario.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that he is not over you, and while you think he is so mean and done with you - hes not, trust me. What i have found from reading on here and researching myself, is the person who you think is so done with you (even if they are the dumper) is usually not as over it as you think. Months went by where me and my ex did not talk, i was like you and felt hurt because "she was so done", then out of nowhere a friend tells me she is always asking about me, gets jealous when I'm with another girl, and has even made things up just to piss off other girls i have talked too, in other words she isn't as over it as she seems. Thats also why you see the random texts and calls from dumpers months after a break up.

 

My advice is to somehow convince yourself that its a game (at least for him) and he doesn't hate you. I remember you said you saw him in a coffee shop or something and acted cool and he hated it. Maybe thats why he is being so immature. You don't want someone in your life that will cause you this much hurt, thats what i always told myself. I mean i love this site but most of us come on here cause we are hurt and that is what most of your posts have been about. Do you really want that?

 

All his comments and stuff are BS, thats coming from a guy, he is being a baby and wanting you to come out and beg for him, he has already hit a nerve so thats why hes doing it. Don't fall for it.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Movingthrough

[makelemonade1974]

better - I do have him blocked. This is what I've heard from mutual friends who think it strange. Then I went to the page of the girl who I knew had posted the pics to see which ones were still up, and there are a number of intimate photos.

 

moving - I really appreciate all your comments. When I say he has been hateful, I mean REALLY hateful. I don't think it's a matter of him still having feelings. I think he's pathological. He either has NO feelings other than anger, or he's just so psychologically disordered that his way of dealing with problems is to run away from him as fast as possible. He's really full of himself and has told people we broke up because I was "possessive" (he did some sort of sexual thing w/ a friend of mine while we were together - I found some odd texts) and "jealous of his accomplishments" (what accomplishments?) and this freaked him out. He's also called me "crazy," a "drama queen," etc. etc. He has told a mutual friend that he is "done with me" and has given me the silent treatment for months, even though we work together. He may not be "over" the breakup in his own messed up way, but why these pictures? I'm not over him - I'm still in love with who I thought he was, but I stay as far away from pics of him as possible because they hurt so much. Him leaving these up just makes no sense to me.

[Movingthrough]

He's really full of himself and has told people we broke up because I was "possessive" (he did some sort of sexual thing w/ a friend of mine while we were together - I found some odd texts) and "jealous of his accomplishments"

 

So he's painting you black because he knows he's wrong. He sounds like a baby, i know i keep saying it but this behavior is very similar to my ex. They manipulate the whole situation to mentally make them feel better, that is common of people with deep pysch. issues. I have owned all my problems in the relationship and vow that they wont happen again, he on the other hand blames it all on you and makes things up. Own it like an adult and stop blaming is what he needs to figure out.

 

To me it sounds like even though he ended it, he wanted you to chase him back, like you cant live without him. Well, you can and you will, and he hates that.

 

I have never been like that as a guy, i can be full of anxiety but humble when it comes to my mistakes, some people like him and my ex just cant hack anymore mental issues so they paint you black and blaim. You are super lucky to be done with that guy..

[whatdoido1717]

When I broke up with my ex of two years back in October I didn't bother untagging myself or deleting pictures of her/us.

 

A) I was too lazy I guess, I just didn't want to go through all of them and do that. I even still have many of us under the Profile Picture album (as does my most recent ex with her ex fiance, but that is an entirely different story) and

 

B) A part of me left it because it documents a part of my history. I am proud of the time we had together when it was good so I didn't feel the need to remove that from facebook. I guess too because there is almost a timeline in my pictures and I didn't feel the need to remove part of the history as it was, for the good and the bad, part of my life.

 

Just my $0.02

[makelemonade1974]

Yeah, I am lucky to be finished with him. He's poison. I have someone new in my life and I think that's what has prompted some of the recent reports I've heard about his slander. I just think he's very abusive and I am really afraid for the next girl he becomes involved with. I feel like he used me during the relationship as some kind of arm piece to improve his social status, and he's continuing to do it post break-up by keeping these pics up. He's been hanging around with some real loser guys who would never be able to catch a decent-looking intelligent girl. These are the ones that are doing all the talking to colleagues about how the whole thing was my fault.

 

I suppose I should just not care. But I looked at these pics yesterday on my friend's page and some of them are real intimate. It hurts me to look at them. Certainly he doesn't feel anything at all, or he wouldn't leave them there.

 

You know, come to think of it - he probably doesn't have a lot of pics of me at all. I did all the photography when we traveled, hiked, etc. and have most of the pictures. Maybe that's it.

 

The man makes no sense. None.

[homebrew]

Every other post on here has something to do with Facebook...

 

I can tell you at least 10 relationships of friends of mine that were ruined because of the use of Facebook...

 

Every couple I know where someone in the relationship / marriage uses Facebook... problems / issues / drama / fights / arguments have stemmed from the use of Facebook.

 

I can tell you 3 marriages that I knew the people that were ruined because of the use of Facebook...

 

That is not counting all the friends of friends stories I have heard or the 1000 here on Loveshack...

 

Facebook = Relationship Killer / Homewrecker / Needless Drama

 

How many stories to people have to hear before they wise up?

 

Due to all the horror stories that we have all heard about Facebook... Most of the women I know now equate men that use Facebook to that of men with an STD.

__________________

[Exit]

Too true about FaceBook. I've had to spend too much time getting into arguments about stupid stuff on there. I don't have a lot of close friends in real life so I hate to think of isolating myself even more by getting rid of it, but I really am starting to hate it.

[makelemonade1974]

Yeah, facebook is evil. I just feel like I should have rights to my face. Pictures of me shouldn't be used without my permission. !!

 

But like whatdo said, it may just be laziness or he may simply not even have a single emotion when he looks at a photo of me, so why bother? But as my girlfriend says, it's pretty stupid to have facebook pics up of somebody who you supposedly "hate" and won't talk to in real life.

 

Good to see you around here again Homebrew.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

Every other post on here has something to do with Facebook...

 

I can tell you at least 10 relationships of friends of mine that were ruined because of the use of Facebook...

 

Every couple I know where someone in the relationship / marriage uses Facebook... problems / issues / drama / fights / arguments have stemmed from the use of Facebook.

 

I can tell you 3 marriages that I knew the people that were ruined because of the use of Facebook...

 

That is not counting all the friends of friends stories I have heard or the 1000 here on Loveshack...

 

Facebook = Relationship Killer / Homewrecker / Needless Drama

 

How many stories to people have to hear before they wise up?

 

Due to all the horror stories that we have all heard about Facebook... Most of the women I know now equate men that use Facebook to that of men with an STD.

__________________

 

Very astute observation.

 

I wonder why this is, after all it is technically just a tool. Why do people end up using it as a weapon? I see a lot of passive aggressive type stuff that sets off other people with all sorts of "Are they talking about me?"

 

Agree that a lot of relationships would be better off without it, especially for people that see it as validation. I admit I have been guilty of this myself and to be honest it disgusts me that I fell prey to that.

[makelemonade1974]

Well, I have been guilty myself of subtle references, etc. but I know he's in the dark about anything on my page. I'm only friends with people that actually are my friends, past or present (or that I like immensely and trust to be discreet). My privacy settings are pretty hardcore. I have a block list with 25 people on it - all of them people I know he is closely associated with personally or professionally. Facebook is a terrible temptation - to construct some sort of persona as well as wound people. I think you learn lessons about how to use it over time.

 

My ex, from what I remember, is "better" than facebook (and also better than most institutions and people in general - legend in his own mind) so doesn't use it often. It may be just a case of laziness, or a photo illustration to accompany the slanderous stories he is telling about me.

 

LOSER

[makelemonade1974]

Crazy like a fox. Yeah yeah, but I should have a copyright on my face, particularly when it is associated with a sociapathic loser (who may or may not be perfect for me). And btw I am both a celebrity AND a supermodel.

 

I have to go now so I can cry for the rest of the day because you hurt my feelings. :lmao:

 

Great song.

[makelemonade1974]

I love trolls. They're such kuddly monkeys. It's so fun to play with them.

[WellLetsSee]

I love trolls. They're such kuddly monkeys. It's so fun to play with them.

 

Very well said. I love how you are so relaxed about it. That is the way how to deal with them.

[makelemonade1974]

Let's - Kuddle can be freakin' hilarious some of the time - between insults. I don't think he's a "pure" troll, just a kind-of troll. It's the ones who come on here merely to antagonize that freak me out. It's so sad.

 

Some things, if you said them to people in real life, would get you b i t c h slapped. Online you can get away with anything, and trolls know it.

 

But it's all a game really.

 

Moving - so tell me more about how my ex is not over me, how he cries in his pillow every night about me, etc. etc. And why the heck (assuming he is normal and not an NPD sociopath) would you dump somebody if you still loved them. I was told by a mutual friend that I should never doubt that he will always love me - whatever that means. And then all this hatred stuff?

 

Maybe it's because the 3am drunken breakup scene was so ugly. I talked to him a few days later (briefly) via text and he said "we weren't good for each other as evidenced by what happened the night before." I won't go into details, but it was your usual drunken brawl. I "forced" him to leave me?

 

This is all hypothetical as I would never go back - and I have a new guy who is a REAL man. But I do still love my SOB ex, so would be nice to know why he acts like this.

[betterdeal]

The man makes no sense. None.

 

That's generally what emotional messes do.

[WellLetsSee]

Honestly the ex sounds pretty much personality disorderd. First thought was BORDERLINE. And the second was: GO NO-CONTACT, NO-CONTACT. Dont let yourself get drawn in again, simply for the reason to try make sense of all this.

[WellLetsSee]

See if he is borderline - he hates and longs for you at the same time. And he hates to long for you. And longs to hate you. And so on. But the one thing someone with BP definitely does not do is LOVE you. Like my BP-Ex was longing to be with me so much and treated me like **** just the same. And it took so much time to understand that it really is possible that someone can want to be with someone else so very much and at the same time treat them like ****. The FB thing is just his attempt to mess with your head - drawing you back in.

... all this being said, if he really is BP...

[Movingthrough]

Moving - so tell me more about how my ex is not over me, how he cries in his pillow every night about me, etc. etc. And why the heck (assuming he is normal and not an NPD sociopath) would you dump somebody if you still loved them. I was told by a mutual friend that I should never doubt that he will always love me - whatever that means. And then all this hatred stuff?

 

Always love your threads, i learn but i also laugh when i see posts saying you love trolls!

 

Basically what i meant, was from what i have seen mostly from talking to dumpers, dumpees etc (also have a few friends going through breakups now where i know both parties), is that what you "see" is rarely what is going on.

 

Usually an action from a male (being pissy, mean, basically everything you ex is) is usually a reaction from something else. In his case i think its from you probably showing that you are over it or being mature about it. You may be on here hurting, but you aren't chasing him down begging for him to come back - and trust me he hates that.

 

For us guys its hard to know that an ex is "ok" without us, its an ego thing. I find myself still to this day being aggravated that my ex could be so "moved on", even though i know its a huge rebound that wont last. My point is, I'm not even thinking of HER in the sense of "wow i miss her smile" or "i want to see her", its always the situation, the fact that she is moving on and seems so ok with me not being in her life. I very much believe thats my ego talking.

 

Now the flip side to that is very simple. If love was such an easy thing to get over, then why are there thousands of threads on here about being hurt? Why isn't it easier to get over? Do we really think that the dumpee is the only one hurting? I believe that while the dumper may be more over the situation then the dumpee is, they are still hurting, BUT, they have band aids. A bandaid can come in different forms, for your ex its being a pouting little boy that didn't get his way, for my ex its moving from guy to guy, honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase trying to run from each relationship and her demons.

 

The point is, if you ex was walking around calm cool, awesome, everything is great, then maybe he really is over it all. But instead he is being a baby, there is no way he is doing that for NO reason - hes hurt trust me. That doesn't mean he wants to be with you, but he wants you to want him. My ex drug me along for months swearing up and down that something was still there that she couldn't let go of when it came to me, yet she was with someone else and wouldn't admit it. The minute i called her out on having someone else and me not wanting to be part of that, she flipped her wig and painted me black - she didn't get her way so time to be a baby, sound familiar?

 

While I'm not saying that he is still madly in love with you and wants it to work (if he did you both would be together), do not think he is getting away scott-free, he is going through pain too, which as bad as it sounds, should make you feel better.

 

One more thing, my ex when she split with her husband and we were just friends that vented to each other, told me that when she got up the day after she told him it was over, could barely move and that every bone in her body wanted him back even though it wasn't right. She shook it off, showered and went about her day. His exact words after the separation was "She acts like its nothing and it doesn't phase her at all". Oh it phased her, but she was great at using that band-aid, which in her case was shaking it off AND another guy.

 

There is always more then meets the eye!

Edited April 16, 2011 by Movingthrough

[betterdeal]

My view on emotional regulation disorder (aka BPD) is that it's someone with a lot of pain on the inside that they are just reaching out for help to deal with it. The trouble they have is that the people who were supposed to protect and help them are the ones that put that pain inside them, and so they have a conflict - they want help, love, care, affection, just like everyone does, but they don't like anyone to get too close because that caused them pain in the past.

 

Ultimately, it will take the help of several other people each giving some support to get them out of the scary, confusing world they've been inhabiting for their whole lives. Most of all, they need a stable, safe environment in which to safely process their feelings and let go of their pain, and to learn better ways to meet their own needs.

 

This question of "did they really love me?" is a red herring, and an old one at that. All feelings are real and valid and PD sufferers, just like everyone else, feel affection, lust, even that more sublime, unconditional love we have for life, the universe, each other.

 

Their problem is not love. Their problem is pain. Persistent, internal pain that's close to the surface in so many places that they have many triggers points. Like a volcano with a thin crust which you can walk on, but you'll break that crust every so often and then the furious anger comes rushing out.

 

Much of their life is spent seeking distractions from this inner turmoil. Drugs, sex, violence, anything so immediate and now that the past is drowned out, albeit temporarily.

 

Having met almost all of the criteria for this disorder myself, I am sure I would have been diagnosed had I dared to see a psychiatrist (one who makes such diagnosis - it's not accepted universally by the professions). Five years ago and having found a pretty stable and pretty safe environment, and started healing. A year ago I entered into a relationship with someone 5 years my younger who by most measures had an even more upsetting upbringing, and had been hospitalised. I found myself looking in the mirror.

 

We both wanted to belong. That's all. Just to belong. And having a very poor sense of identity, we both adapted to be what we thought the other wanted. The chameleon like social qualities were survival skills for people like us. But you put two of these people together and it becomes an amazing swirling vortex of wild goose chases. That said, we did have a wonderful period of clarity and affection, freedom and love, and that's all we ever wanted. It was utter relief.

 

But the pain was still inside and the complications that we had in our lives, the lack of confidence and skills to best represent ourselves, the tendency to "be real" (aka fixate on one emotion and follow it through no matter what) were all still there. And you can't kid a kidder. Something was not right.

 

Anyway, we split, I've changed my number, blocked her on Facebook and worked through so much unfinished business. We worked on a lot of stuff together, offloaded on each other, used each other, even, but I feel we both made a lot of progress.

 

Do I regret that relationship? No. I was unwell then and that was one important step towards my recovery and, I feel, hers too. Would I do it again? No. Now that I am well, I don't want to take from someone who is unwell. The very least you can do for someone who is unwell is not take from them and not put yourself at risk of harm from them.

Edited April 16, 2011 by betterdeal

[WellLetsSee]

BetterDeal, thanks a lot for your reply. I very much agree with almost of everything that you say concerning BP. I am not BP myself - even though I am having to deal with some of the issues, but my father has BP.

 

But one thing I would like to express. For my BP father or my BP ex certainly what they call 'love' was not the problem.

 

Their problem was to deal with the inner despair and pain that they are always busy with drowning out. But Love is a problem for those who love borderliners, because something is not adding up there.

 

On the one hand you receive this message of dear, dear love. Like for example, probably few father could have been that affectionate with their children as my father was. My ex had fallen so badly for me. I could feel physically how much he was in love - I could see the pain in his eyes for wanting me so badly. And then on the other hand this person treats you like they hate you, like they are totally indifferent to you, like you are the dirt they spit on. And this is why LOVE is a problem. It is a heart-ripping thought that someone who seems to love you is able to act so cruel. And therefore it is - to my believe - very important actually to realize that whatever someone felt for you who acted this way - it wasnt compassionate, unconditional love. It was a selfish fixation that they simply called love because they never had experienced love in their life. They definitely fall in love, but they do not love.

[betterdeal]

I think I know what you're saying. It is certainly horrible as opposed to lovely to be in an impossible relationship with someone. You get close, they vent their fury on you as you are now in the place their original abuser(s) were in. They may do it directly or indirectly with words or actions or even thoughts and beliefs. You move away from the furnace and they become a weak, plaintiff child doing what he or she can to to get his or her carer to save them from the darkness.

 

It must be harrowing. In fact, I know it is, as I was dating an ERD sufferer (even if I was a recovering one myself - that's what looking in the mirror meant). But if you consider what I just said in the paragraph above, you are dealing with a child; the inner child. And that, perhaps, is what makes it so confusing and hurtful, because we feel guilty about having to step away from a wounded child, but a wounded child with fangs.

[ganbare]

I'm sort of rebounding with this guy. I don't want to hurt him. He knows I was pretty hurt by my ex, but he also knows I would never go back to him. It's been about 7 months since the breakup. I was very cautious and dated a lot of men before deciding I liked this guy the most. I've been clear to him about not being ready to jump into a BF / GF scenario because I need my independence for a while. We've agreed to see each other and see where it goes. But it's already becoming sort of serious - he texts me ever day, etc.

 

Any advice on how to do this without hurting him? I'm not sure he's "the one" - in fact he's pretty far away from my type, but I'm starting to think my type are usually a-holes. Someone has to be the rebound, right? There has to be somebody that immediately follows (even if months later) a breakup. You can't just wait years before dating again.

 

And what do I do about the daily texts - they are so sweet, I can't just ignore them.

 

He's a really good man - a sweetheart with a bit of a 'savior complex.' We've been honest with each other. Is all this okay?

No it's not okay. This comment made me so upset I had to reply and I am not active on this site. You can wait and should wait until you heal and can move on even if it takes time. You are just going to end up hurting someone else like your ex hurt and "used" you bringing another hurt person to this site. Tons of relationships end up in hurstville because one (or both) partners were not really available yet. I'm glad that you are being honest with him, but nevertheless your actions are still going to inject poison into the social environment. Please be nice to each other and think of the larger picture.

[makelemonade1974]

Moving,

It's true I haven't "chased him down to come back" apart from maybe the first two weeks after the breakup, but I have sent about 5 emails over the course of the past 5 months (like one email a month) offering friendship and apologizing for my part in the breakup. All these have been met with silence. He is toxic and I don't want him back (he knows that, and knows I'm seeing someone else), but I would like some sort of amicable resolution to the whole mess - for both our sakes. He is very introverted, not very attractive (I think he is, but I've been told be others he is not), and so odd that I doubt he will find another girlfriend for years. I think that just for putting up with this s h i t for so long, that I should get some sort of award, but all I'm asking for is to be friendly acquaintances (considering we see each other at work sometimes). Unfortunately, after the jump-up-and-down coffee shop confrontation, I have realized that's not possible.

 

I guess it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and karma will take care of the rest.

 

Well let's and Better - He is most likely personality disordered - I've always thought NPD, as he has all the symptoms, but I may very well be personality disordered myself (as evidenced by details of 3am brawl, which I will not share), so I can't really judge. I just know the two of us together are, like troll said, a "powder keg."

 

But thanks Moving, I like to think he's hurting, as evil as that sounds, at least sometimes hurting about the breakup. I hurt like hell for months. Am doing a lot better these days.

 

ganbare - well, what do you propose I do? Wait forever? It may be years before I've healed form the psychological abuse this bastard put me through. This new guy is lovely and a good friend.