my ex texted me!!

[Chi townD]

okay, we're gonna hold you too that, right?

 

That was the last time you text her? Because, all you're doing is beating yourself up everytime you two have ANY interaction.

[joshextreme]

okay, we're gonna hold you too that, right?

 

That was the last time you text her? Because, all you're doing is beating yourself up everytime you two have ANY interaction.

 

yeah i swear to it man.

[Chi townD]

and anytime you feel like texting her, post here so we can talk you out of it! And if she texts you post here so we can tell you it's breadcrumbs. Anything other than her at your doorstep crying that she made a mistake and she wants to come back is breadcrumbs... post here.

[confused2134]

Josh I think you're doing the best thing for you as it seems it's you're progressing. But while you see that everybody says every relationship is different that not every body comes back and such, it's the same with this. If you do want to get back together with her you ignoring her until she sas I want a relationship will not work because you will just jump into a relationship that you don't know if it'll work the second time. While you change she could've too.

 

What I do disagree with is the cynical point of view by the majority of the people on this site. I do not believe at all that when an ex texts you they're trying to relieve their guilt. You spent so much time with this person, yeah she dumped you you were probably her best friend as well. It's hard to just drop that. She's obviously going to miss you. You talk to somebody every day for a ton of time you miss them.

 

Do what's best for you. But I don't think it's a hundred percent that she's trying to relieve her guilt. She probably does actually miss you and you have to show her that you have changed. You don't hav eto come runnign back to her. But when she texts you you can talk and be indifferent towards whatever she says

 

Just show her why she fell for you. Get that honeymoon period back. Only if you want to get back together with her though.

[joshextreme]

Josh I think you're doing the best thing for you as it seems it's you're progressing. But while you see that everybody says every relationship is different that not every body comes back and such, it's the same with this. If you do want to get back together with her you ignoring her until she sas I want a relationship will not work because you will just jump into a relationship that you don't know if it'll work the second time. While you change she could've too.

 

What I do disagree with is the cynical point of view by the majority of the people on this site. I do not believe at all that when an ex texts you they're trying to relieve their guilt. You spent so much time with this person, yeah she dumped you you were probably her best friend as well. It's hard to just drop that. She's obviously going to miss you. You talk to somebody every day for a ton of time you miss them.

 

Do what's best for you. But I don't think it's a hundred percent that she's trying to relieve her guilt. She probably does actually miss you and you have to show her that you have changed. You don't hav eto come runnign back to her. But when she texts you you can talk and be indifferent towards whatever she says

 

Just show her why she fell for you. Get that honeymoon period back. Only if you want to get back together with her though.

 

i guess i could do that too. like if she text me be myself and show her why shes missing me. though idk if she'll text me. we'll see. if she doesnt talk to me then i get over her lol

 

Edit: but then again i dont want to lose my dignity and make it look like she can come talk to me whenever.

Edited April 18, 2011 by joshextreme

[confused2134]

What I'd say is dont text her. If she talks about the relationship or anything or other guys or something you don't like change the topic and make sure you're the one that has to stop talking first. Make sure you make up an excuse and say good talking to you. I did that to my ex and made a joke and said I'll talk to you in what, another month? Joking about the fact that it took her a month to text me and she was like I really miss talking to you why are you cutting this short? You don't want to talk anymore.

[joshextreme]

What I'd say is dont text her. If she talks about the relationship or anything or other guys or something you don't like change the topic and make sure you're the one that has to stop talking first. Make sure you make up an excuse and say good talking to you. I did that to my ex and made a joke and said I'll talk to you in what, another month? Joking about the fact that it took her a month to text me and she was like I really miss talking to you why are you cutting this short? You don't want to talk anymore.

 

im confused. you said dont text her. but if she talks about stuff? her texting me would involve me texting back to have a conversation lol. i think i get what you're saying. but it'll probably be awhile before we talk again because of all that was said lastnight

[confused2134]

I meant don't text her until she texts you haha. Sorry for that being vague.

[PelicanPete]

I agree with confused2134 to an extent. There is no for sure answer for every situation. Every break up situation is different, and no answer on relationships is a one size fits all type of deal. It's complex, he is right a lot of LSers forget that time to time. A lot of it depends on how you broke up, how the dumper and the dumpee reacted, their behavior before and after, backgrounds, personalities, etc. I mean were all different, different strokes for different folks. We are suppose to guide people not order them.

 

However after examining your situation, thinking about it, and with the collective experience between myself dealing with the same crap, and reading about a lot of similar situations, I really don't think trying to woo her would be the best decision, and I think a lot of people with the same experience as me would agree.

 

She may not be purposefully thinking "I have to talk to him to relieve guilt", its unconsciously motivated. She might just see it as "oh i want to talk to him i hope hes doing well". She may very well think consciously that she wants to be your friend, however once her guilt is satisfied, her driving urge for communication with you will die. When there is no desire for the friendship, you're going to get a back seat, and that's going to hurt. You guys broke up after all, so obviously a relationship with her wasn't working for someone. What makes you think things are different now? Neither of you have grown yet.

 

Pushing for her to like you is just going to push her further, it will ease her initial guilt and she won't even want to be your friend she'll be sick of you. She'll automatically assume after all the heart ache she put you through you're still going to let her wipe your feet on you.

 

All of this is just going to hurt you more and dig at old wounds instead of giving it time to heal. Think of every time you contact her it is picking at a scab. It only takes healing longer. You're probably going to emotionally change a lot if you let yourself, but you have to let go of the familiar and embrace change for awhile.

 

So long story short, go NC. Think of it as a journey, an analogy of platos allegory of the cave. Let go of the familiar and try embracing change. You don't have to deal with it alone just post here and ask for direction from those that have already made the trip.

[joshextreme]

I agree with confused2134 to an extent. There is no for sure answer for every situation. Every break up situation is different, and no answer on relationships is a one size fits all type of deal. It's complex, he is right a lot of LSers forget that time to time. A lot of it depends on how you broke up, how the dumper and the dumpee reacted, their behavior before and after, backgrounds, personalities, etc. I mean were all different, different strokes for different folks. We are suppose to guide people not order them.

 

However after examining your situation, thinking about it, and with the collective experience between myself dealing with the same crap, and reading about a lot of similar situations, I really don't think trying to woo her would be the best decision, and I think a lot of people with the same experience as me would agree.

 

She may not be purposefully thinking "I have to talk to him to relieve guilt", its unconsciously motivated. She might just see it as "oh i want to talk to him i hope hes doing well". She may very well think consciously that she wants to be your friend, however once her guilt is satisfied, her driving urge for communication with you will die. When there is no desire for the friendship, you're going to get a back seat, and that's going to hurt. You guys broke up after all, so obviously a relationship with her wasn't working for someone. What makes you think things are different now? Neither of you have grown yet.

 

Pushing for her to like you is just going to push her further, it will ease her initial guilt and she won't even want to be your friend she'll be sick of you. She'll automatically assume after all the heart ache she put you through you're still going to let her wipe your feet on you.

 

All of this is just going to hurt you more and dig at old wounds instead of giving it time to heal. Think of every time you contact her it is picking at a scab. It only takes healing longer. You're probably going to emotionally change a lot if you let yourself, but you have to let go of the familiar and embrace change for awhile.

 

So long story short, go NC. Think of it as a journey, an analogy of platos allegory of the cave. Let go of the familiar and try embracing change. You don't have to deal with it alone just post here and ask for direction from those that have already made the trip.

 

I have embraced change a lot. The one reason, and i told her this last night, about me not wanting to just cave is because I'm happy to some extent right now and I'm not throwing the progess that i have made just so i can probably set myself up for failure

[joshextreme]

My ex just texted me saying "I'm really bored, wanna talk?"

 

I hadn't thought about her at all. Actually since my last post i got 3 girls numbers. and then this stupid text comes in and BOOM its like hitting a wall. Ugh :/

[Chi townD]

Remember, she made the decision to have you out of her life and you're giving her EXACTLY what she wanted. She can't have her cake and eat it too!

[joshextreme]

Remember, she made the decision to have you out of her life and you're giving her EXACTLY what she wanted. She can't have her cake and eat it too!

 

Also she didn't even say hello! She just ****ing expected me to drop everything and come entertain her. She did choose me out of her life.

[joshextreme]

Remember, she made the decision to have you out of her life and you're giving her EXACTLY what she wanted. She can't have her cake and eat it too!

 

i dont really understand this saying. if i have cake.. im gonna eat it lol

[Johnny85]

I suppose the quote is a way of saying "take it or leave it." She wants to be your friend (which only benefits her), but what are you getting out of it? When she feels lonely, she knows that she can contact you for comfort. But what about your feelings and needs? As long as she knows that she can contact you whenever she feels like it (the cake) and have you back whenever it is right for her (eating the cake), she will continue this behavior (if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always gotten).

 

 

So, Josh, I am currently going through a similar situation myself; maybe I am not the right person to be giving advice! But one thing I know for certain is this: the more attention you give her, or every time you give her an ultimatum about getting back together, you are essentially pushing her away. She knows you're around whenever she needs you; she can rely on you to be her emotional cushion, so why commit herself now when she can have you later (after she has had all the fun). Funny isn't it, the more love and affection we display, the less they want us!

 

I am not a strong advocate of NC because I think it represents "false hope in disguise!" In other words, "if only I initiate NC, she will miss me and fall right back into my arms." What I mean is that it is being used for the wrong reason; instead of healing and focusing on YOU, your heart is holding on to every last inch of hope. And hope is a dangerous virtue to play around with! But some risks are worth taking, you just need to understand your limit and be able to let go when the time is right. I just think it is better to be honest with yourself as to why you are using NC; it will make you feel better in the future.

 

Someone told me that time and space are my new best friends. I have added patience and Iphone (let me explain) to the list. First of all, time is essential because it allows her to focus on your positive qualities; that special something that makes you unique. Time makes the heart grow fonder. This will allow her to miss you; but if you are constantly there for her, how can she possibly miss you and realize that she has lost you? She can't! Secondly, space, which will allow her to pursue all the things that she felt she couldn't pursue with you by her side. I think that this is an important step for anyone with GIGS, for it allows them the opportunity to make realizations and understand their wants and needs before committing to someone else. Thirdly, have patience! Rome was not built in one day! If you genuinely believe she is "the one," my advice is for you to believe that everything will be OK. Remember, the more desire or love you shower her with, the further away she will move. Don't live in the moment; instead, focus on the future. Finally, "the Iphone!" It is probably the most desired phone in the world, yet some people can afford it, while others can't. Those who can afford it will probably grow tired of it (perhaps an even better Android phone was just released). But just imagine the "desire" and "want" for the Iphone among those who cannot afford It. Everyday that passes, they desire it more and more because that small piece of electronic has the ability to make their life happier and better (according to them). My point is that in your ex's mind, you must become an Iphone. You must make her feel like you have something that she does not (but that she desires). She wants what she cannot have (it is human nature) and right now you are her doormat, her Iphone 3g (don't worry, this is how my ex views me, too:laugh:). You must portray a new image of yourself to her, a better and more fun you. You have to show her that you are fine without her. Don't lie about it, though, make it happen (and embellish slightly if need be).

 

So, in my opinion, if you really want her back, limited contact is your new best friend. It will allow you to show a new, more confident and desirable (Iphone 4) version of yourself. She misses you, of course, or she would not be contacting you. But there is a fine line between missing someone and wanting them back. She has to ask for you back; whatever you do, don't ask for her back! I suppose human beings, in general, are attracted to the things we cannot have. Sending her a text message may seem like a good idea at the time asking for her back or showering her in love (it does give you instant gratification, right?), but when your pride has been shot down, when feelings of regret and disappointment rush through your veins straight into your heart, that instant gratification quickly seems meaningless. Always remain positive in her eyes. So there you go! Just my two cents!

Edited April 22, 2011 by Johnny85

[joshextreme]

I suppose the quote is a way of saying "take it or leave it." She wants to be your friend (which only benefits her), but what are you getting out of it? When she feels lonely, she knows that she can contact you for comfort. But what about your feelings and needs? As long as she knows that she can contact you whenever she feels like it (the cake) and have you back whenever it is right for her (eating the cake), she will continue this behavior (if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always gotten).

 

 

So, Josh, I am currently going through a similar situation myself; maybe I am not the right person to be giving advice! But one thing I know for certain is this: the more attention you give her, or every time you give her an ultimatum about getting back together, you are essentially pushing her away. She knows you're around whenever she needs you; she can rely on you to be her emotional cushion, so why commit herself now when she can have you later (after she has had all the fun). Funny isn't it, the more love and affection we display, the less they want us!

 

I am not a strong advocate of NC because I think it represents "false hope in disguise!" In other words, "if only I initiate NC, she will miss me and fall right back into my arms." What I mean is that it is being used for the wrong reason; instead of healing and focusing on YOU, your heart is holding on to every last inch of hope. And hope is a dangerous virtue to play around with! But some risks are worth taking, you just need to understand your limit and be able to let go when the time is right. I just think it is better to be honest with yourself as to why you are using NC; it will make you feel better in the future.

 

Someone told me that time and space are my new best friends. I have added patience and Iphone (let me explain) to the list. First of all, time is essential because it allows her to focus on your positive qualities; that special something that makes you unique. Time makes the heart grow fonder. This will allow her to miss you; but if you are constantly there for her, how can she possibly miss you and realize that she has lost you? She can't! Secondly, space, which will allow her to pursue all the things that she felt she couldn't pursue with you by her side. I think that this is an important step for anyone with GIGS, for it allows them the opportunity to make realizations and understand their wants and needs before committing to someone else. Thirdly, have patience! Rome was not built in one day! If you genuinely believe she is "the one," my advice is for you to believe that everything will be OK. Remember, the more desire or love you shower her with, the further away she will move. Don't live in the moment; instead, focus on the future. Finally, "the Iphone!" It is probably the most desired phone in the world, yet some people can afford it, while others can't. Those who can afford it will probably grow tired of it (perhaps an even better Android phone was just released). But just imagine the "desire" and "want" for the Iphone among those who cannot afford It. Everyday that passes, they desire it more and more because that small piece of electronic has the ability to make their life happier and better (according to them). My point is that in your ex's mind, you must become an Iphone. You must make her feel like you have something that she does not (but that she desires). She wants what she cannot have (it is human nature) and right now you are her doormat, her Iphone 3g (don't worry, this is how my ex views me, too:laugh:). You must portray a new image of yourself to her, a better and more fun you. You have to show her that you are fine without her. Don't lie about it, though, make it happen (and embellish slightly if need be).

 

So, in my opinion, if you really want her back, limited contact is your new best friend. It will allow you to show a new, more confident and desirable (Iphone 4) version of yourself. She misses you, of course, or she would not be contacting you. But there is a fine line between missing someone and wanting them back. She has to ask for you back; whatever you do, don't ask for her back! I suppose human beings, in general, are attracted to the things we cannot have. Sending her a text message may seem like a good idea at the time asking for her back or showering her in love (it does give you instant gratification, right?), but when your pride has been shot down, when feelings of regret and disappointment rush through your veins straight into your heart, that instant gratification quickly seems meaningless. Always remain positive in her eyes. So there you go! Just my two cents!

Part of me wants to go tell her to eff her self where as the other part of me wants her back in my life. I'm ok however things turnout. Enough time has passed for me to be able to feel that way. She knows how I feel when we talk yet she still texted me. Maybe I'll text her in the morning. Idk what I'd say.

[joshextreme]

ugh i really wanna text her and find out what the hell she was thinking. WTF. like who does she think she is just texting me saying "wanna talk?" I made that clear the last time we talked that we shouldnt talk at all. this is seriously bugging me. im so livid with her right now. ughh

[shawn923]

dont respond.... theres nothing you can get out of the conversation... if shes not talking about getting back together, then you have nothing to talk about. She doesnt want anything but to be ur friend, to take all of her guilt away from dumping you...

 

cut her off man. she'll come to u, just like u did her, if she wanted to get back together... Move on and find a new girl.

[joshextreme]

dont respond.... theres nothing you can get out of the conversation... if shes not talking about getting back together, then you have nothing to talk about. She doesnt want anything but to be ur friend, to take all of her guilt away from dumping you...

 

cut her off man. she'll come to u, just like u did her, if she wanted to get back together... Move on and find a new girl.

 

ive actually found 3 new girls.. but shes always that "one" girl. ill move on. i know it. i didnt text her back. she just pisses me off so much.

[geegirl]

She only wants to talk to you because she is really bored!? Enough said. Stay NC. She can pick her nose or paint her nails. You have better things to do than help her while away her boring moments.

[Fufu]

Haha, i too wanted to say the same thing as geegirl too..

 

Stay NC

[joshextreme]

umm she just friend requested me on fb. i want to know what shes thinking so badly. well not really what shes thinking more like what shes trying to get out of this. like ive told her that we shouldnt talk. yet she doesnt get that.

[TheLoneSock]

umm she just friend requested me on fb. i want to know what shes thinking so badly. well not really what shes thinking more like what shes trying to get out of this. like ive told her that we shouldnt talk. yet she doesnt get that.

 

Exes do this. It's as simple as that. It's a way for them to poke you, or drop a breadcrumb in your path with little to no risk or exposure for them. She wants to stay on your mind, and she wants the ability to check in on you to make sure you're not doing better than her in the wake of the break up. Because if you are, her validation goes right out the window. And she needs her validation like AIDS needs a cure, trust me.

 

Don't accept it. But don't reject it either. Just let it sit there.

 

If she sends you a message following this, we can go from there. Until now, keep doing what you're doing.

[joshextreme]

Exes do this. It's as simple as that. It's a way for them to poke you, or drop a breadcrumb in your path with little to no risk or exposure for them. She wants to stay on your mind, and she wants the ability to check in on you to make sure you're not doing better than her in the wake of the break up. Because if you are, her validation goes right out the window. And she needs her validation like AIDS needs a cure, trust me.

 

Don't accept it. But don't reject it either. Just let it sit there.

 

If she sends you a message following this, we can go from there. Until now, keep doing what you're doing.

 

she'll have to message me soon. im assuming she'll try to make me feel guilty. cant wait! haha

[Fufu]

Try not to bother what she is going to do, it's her life and her decision.

 

You too have to live your own life and decision