My Story - 25 and splitting a 6yr marriage

[Alpha1]

My Story.

After not going out on many dates when i was younger, while in one of my first jobs i meet and instantly clicked with a beautiful young lady who we shall call R. She was 19 and i was 18. 4 months after meeting and dating her mother was diagnosed with cancer and told she had months to live, infact she had only a week and died in hospital. R was very close to her mother, maybe more than most and from what i can gather, her mother was the glue of the family and when she went the family went too. A couple of months after friction started between R and her father which escalated quickly. Lies were coming from the father to hid the fact he had started a relationship with a married family friend. When confronted rows got worse near to the point of them being pulled away from one and another. He repeatedly said R should get “therapy” to help her which aggravated the situation. R took over the running of the house at 20 and looked after her younger sister leaving her current job at the time. I moved in to the family home and thing slowly recovered while her father started a new life which we watched happen. We later bought a bungalow and moved out.

 

2 years later we get engaged but something wasn’t quite right. R would have lows. She would have serious lows and complain about everything. She would say that she could kill herself and see’s no way out to feeling like this every day. I would do my best, buying and doing what i could. This included Holidays round the world, cars and clothes. She went through a low one month and took off her engagement ring and said we needed space. I gave her space but she was in contact with someone else which i caught her out by seeing our car outside the house. She explicitly said that nothing was going on and she just needed to speak to someone, a friend of a friend. Lots of lies told blah blah..

 

We worked it out and then got married 2 years ago in Las Vegas with a honeymoon i can only wish for right now! The lows still there and now starting to get worse, her work was also causing problems so i helped her change her job. We buy a bigger house in April 2010. We get back from Australia in December 2010 and i sit down and we discuss finances and set out a 2 year plan to clear the debt.

 

February is when the boat starts rocking. Suddenly we can’t do the things we were doing. Intimacy drops, and the relationship starts to slip away. I point this out and she said she knows. She doesn’t have answers and cant explain why she feels so low and can’t explain her feelings to me. She asks for space which she stays with a friend for 4 days, both wedding and engagement rings are now off. Comes back and suddenly she seeing every friend she knows and staying with them. She books herself into some therapy sessions and says that its best we split and sell the house.

 

2 weeks on shes in and out staying at friends for 1 – 3 nights a week. I don’t have that option. Its very very very amicable, she will cook dinner for us both, do the washing and il do other chores i would normally do if we were married. I pulled a muscel in the gym and she rubbed deep heat into my back

She will let me know what shes cooking for dinner that evening and we will watch TV together.

 

The house was sold last week and the surveyors round tomorrow to survey it for the potential busyers

 

I love her so much and she tells me she loves me.

I don’t understand what is going on.

I don’t have answers from her. I have plenty of questions.

 

I wonder if the relationship has run its course. Maybe from her behalf.

Im worried where she will live, im worried if shes ok.

 

I have done everything i could have done and more.

This is the hardest thing i have ever done and im so worried about being on my own.

R still wants to keep contact, see each other once the house is gone and meet up. She also talks about not knowing what the future holds between us

No talk on divorce yet either.

[Alpha1]

Also because of my problems i have built up insecurities which have grown and made it hard to believe and trust her.

 

Self Esteem is low and im worried she will find/has someone else

[PegNosePete]

Dude, there is definitely something she's not telling you.

 

You don't remove your wedding ring because you're feeling low.

 

You remove your wedding ring when you don't want to be married any more.

Or when you've broken your wedding vows and feel you don't deserve the ring.

Or when someone might be offended by its presence (eg. an affair partner).

Or if you want to pretend you're single.

Or when you're an actor playing the part of a non-married person.

Or when you're SCUBA diving.

 

So unless she has recently bought a wet suit or switched career, you're looking at a MAJOR red flag. She is hiding something from you and lying when she says she doesn't know what's going on. She knows perfectly well why she has removed her ring. She CAN explain her feelings -- she just doesn't want to.

[Alpha1]

Dude, there is definitely something she's not telling you.

 

You don't remove your wedding ring because you're feeling low.

 

You remove your wedding ring when you don't want to be married any more.

Or when you've broken your wedding vows and feel you don't deserve the ring.

Or when someone might be offended by its presence (eg. an affair partner).

Or if you want to pretend you're single.

Or when you're an actor playing the part of a non-married person.

Or when you're SCUBA diving.

 

So unless she has recently bought a wet suit or switched career, you're looking at a MAJOR red flag. She is hiding something from you and lying when she says she doesn't know what's going on. She knows perfectly well why she has removed her ring. She CAN explain her feelings -- she just doesn't want to.

 

That is one of the best posts i have read and some fantastic points.

 

You are right and she did say "i know you have noticed im not wearing my rings, its because i dont deserve to wear them"

 

Its just hard when you feel 100% about someone and they might not feel anywhere near that back to you. Its tough.

 

Thank you so much.

N

[Alpha1]

I have just read your post again.. Thanks PegNosePete

[yessy21]

She's absolutely not honest. I'm sorry but u have to get to the real truth I'm sure if u put ur mind to it u will figure out what's really going on

[Alpha1]

She's absolutely not honest. I'm sorry but u have to get to the real truth I'm sure if u put ur mind to it u will figure out what's really going on

 

Although i have asked time and time again. I dont think i have the strength to ask any more.

 

The process of separation has started and i cant stop it now.

 

Although it is so amicable at the moment, we talk about where were both going to be living once the house is sold and i browse flats with her which she's looking to rent to. Its so surreal and although i know i shouldnt be as interactive and close to her at this point i cant help by help her. in a way helping her helps me.

[Alpha1]

Also.

Is it wrong for R to say that she cant tell whats going to happen in the next 6 months and that could be with us being together or being splitting up.

 

Shes the one who's confussed and shes the one who instigated all this. Throughout and to this day she knows exactly how i feel. If she would say chop the right leg off to solve all the problems i would.

 

She though doesnt know right now.

 

Thus talking about the next 6 months causes me to go from a good place, knowing il be separated and moving on with my life to no wondering "what if" and "why sell our amazing house for just 6 months"

 

Love is a crazy thing. I wish i could stop it so i can concentrate on myself and focus on what i need to do.

 

When she talks about finding a flat, she worked out her numbers and would be very tight. i cant help but feel sorry and help. when i walk away i remember she started this, she wanted the split. Its the love switch... i wish i could switch it off.

 

N

[PegNosePete]

Dude. Sorry to say she is very likely having an affair.

She is "confused" (by her feelings for someone else)

She doesn't know what's going to happen (whether she'll still be with OM or not)

Her wedding ring is off (...)

She's looking for a flat (to have privacy with her OM)

 

That's a huge pile of red flags man. Dude as far as I can see you have 2 options.

 

1) Call her bluff and tell her you KNOW what is going on. Tell her you have PROOF that she is having an affair (but don't tell her what proof obviously). She will most likely deny it until she is blue in the face. But if you stand your ground and tell her you KNOW 100% beyond any doubt, then after a while she should crack.

 

2) You can snoop, follow her around, watch her movements etc. Get proof of her affair. Then confront her as above, but with real proof.

 

For the record I went for option (1) and it worked like a charm. It's not applicable in all situations but I think in yours it might just work.

[Tiberius]

Break it up while there are no children involved. She wasnt ready to settle.

[imagine]

Cheapest surveillance is to get a friend spy on her. Get him to ask her friends if anything is going on.