Im The Other Woman I Love Him And I Feel Bad

[istilllovehim]

I HAVE BEEN READING THIS WEBSITE FOR A FEW DAYS NOW TRYING TO FIND AN ANSWER TO MY PROBLEM. I HAVE LEARNED THAT EVERYONES PROBLEMS ARE UNIQUE AND THAT THERE REALLY IS NO ONE ANSWER. I AM GOING TO POST MY SITUATION IN HOPES THAT SOMEONE CAN HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.

 

I AM IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN!!

 

I BEGAN DATING CN BEGAN DATING BACK IN 1995 WHEN I WAS 17 AND HE WAS 18. I HAD JUST LEFT A RELATIONSHIP THAT I WAS IN FOR 2 YEARS AND HE HAD JUST LEFT ONE THAT HE WAS IN FOR 3 YEARS. WITH CN IT WAS THE MOST INTENSE LOVING RELATIONSHIP I HAVE EVER HAD PERIOD!! WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT EXCEPT HIS EX LB WAS DETERMINED TO GET HIM BACK. SHE THREATENED TO KILL ME MANY TIMES AND AT ONE POINT EVEN WOKE ME UP IN HIS BED WITH A 6 INCH BUTCHER KNIFE TO MY THROAT. I FOUGHT HER OFF AND SHE REALIZED THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO LIE DOWN TO HER. HELL, WE WERE ONLY TEENAGERS AFTER ALL. WE ALL REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE IT ALL FIGURED IT OUT IN OUR TEENAGE YEARS. WELL MY OR SHOULD I SAY OUR BOYFRIEND WAS VERY CONFUSED, HE WOULD BE WITH ME THEN BE WITH HER THEN BE WITH ME.... AND SO ON. I WAS SO IN LOVE WITH HIM THAT IT TOOK ALL OF THE SANITY THAT I HAD. I WAS ALREADY USING DRUGS AND BEGAN FEELING INSECURE AND SUICIDAL AND THEREFORE MY MOTHER HAD ME COMMITTED TO A MENTAL FACILITY. I WAS RELEASED WITHIN 2 WEEKS AND DIAGNOSED WITH PARENT/CHILD RELATIONSHIP AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE. (I WAS SO WEAK IN THOSE DAYS). I DIDNT SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. MY MOTHER FINALLY DECIDED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GET ME AWAY FROM HIM AND SO MOVED ME 2 STATES AWAY TO INDIANA. I MISSED HIM DEARLY BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND BE HAPPY. THAT WAS 1996.

 

I LIVED IN INDIANA FOR ONLY 7 MONTHS WHEN I MET A MAN THAT WAS ABLE TO MAKE ME FEEL COMPLETE AGAIN. WE DATED FOR ONLY 7 MONTHS AND I BECAME PREGNANT AT 19 WITH OUR CHILD. I MARRIED HIM AND LIVED WITH HIM FOR 7 YEARS IN INDIANA AND FINALLY LEFT HIM IN JANUARY 2003 TO COME BACK TO MISSOURI. MY HUSBAND WAS ABUSIVE AND WAS USING HEROIN BEHIND MY BACK. IT TOOK ME MANY YEARS TO GET AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE OF THE SAKE OF OUR SON. I WANTED THE FANTASY FAMILY.

 

SO THAT BRINGS ME BACK TO MISSOURI AND THE YEAR IS NOW 2004. MY EX-HUSBAND (DIVORCED HIM IN JUNE 2003) IS NOW IN JAIL FOR DRUGS. WELL MY OLD BOYFRIEND CN IS NOW MARRIED TO HER, LB, AND THEY HAVE A 3 YR OLD SON AND AN 8 MONTH OLD SON. HE HAD TO TAKE A DNA TEST TO DETERMINE IF THE 8 MONTH OLD WAS HIS BECAUSE SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH HIS SISTERS HUSBAND. SHE DIDNT EVEN TELL HIM UNTIL THE BABY WAS 2 MONTHS OLD. IT WAS HIS CHILD. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL CHILDREN.

 

SO ABOUT A 2 MONTHS AGO, HE TOLD MY FRIEND, HIS COUSIN THAT HE WANTED ME BACK. WE COMMUNITCATED A WHILE THROUGH HIS COUSIN AND ALL I REALLY WOULD SAY IS THAT HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN MY HEART BUT I AM NOT ABOUT TO GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. I HAVE ALWAYS KNOW THAT IF HE WANTED ME THAT I WOULD TAKE HIM BACK BUT NOT UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS. HE CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE 2 TIMES AND VISITED WITH ME AND MY NOW 6 YR OLD SON BUT WE NEVER TOUCHED. HIS WIFE CALLED ME ONE DAY AND ASKED ME WHY I WAS TALKING TO HER HUSBAND AND I TOLD HER THAT IT WAS INNOCENT AND I PROMISED I WOULD NOT TOUCH HIM AS LONG AS THEY WERE TOGETHER. WELL HE TOLD HER 2 WEEKS AGO SATURDAY THAT HE CARED FOR ME AND THAT I NEVER HURT HIM LIKE SHE DID AND THAT I WOULD NOT TAKE HIM UNLESS SHE KNEW AND SO HE HAD TO TELL HER. SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE DID NOT WANT TO STOP HIM FROM BEING HAPPY AND IF I MADE HIM THAT WAY, SHE WOULD NOT STAND IN THE WAY.

 

SO HE CAME TO MY HOUSE AND HAS BEEN THERE EVER SINCE. ITS BEEN 2 1/2 WEEKS NOW. SHE AT FIRST WAS FINE, SHE LET HIM GO GET THE KIDS EVERYDAY AND BRING THEM TO MY HOUSE. THE THREE YR OLD HAS STAYED THE NIGHT WITH US 4 TIMES. HE AND MY 6 YR OLD LIKE PLAYING TOGETHER SO HE IS ALWAYS WANTING TO BE AT MY HOUSE. SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE WASNT GIVING UP ON HIM AND WOULD TAKE HIM BACK ANY TIME HE WANTED TO COME HOME.

 

OKAY SO 2 DAYS AGO SHE COMES TO MY HOUSE WHILE HES GONE AND TOLD ME THAT THEY HAVE SLEPT TOGETHER SINCE HE HAS BEEN WITH ME. SHE WAS CRYING AND SAD AND I FELT SO AWFUL. I LOVE HIM BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE CAUSE OF THIS MUCH PAIN FOR HER OR ANYONE. I ASKED HER IF IT WERE NOT FOR ME, WOULD HE BE BACK HOME WITH HER. SHE SAID NO, SHE KNEW HE TRULY LOVED ME. SHE TOLD ME THAT HE IS NOT A CHEATER AND THAT HE IS JUST CONFUSED. SHE WAS SO SINCERE. I DONT THINK I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN AS BIG OF A PERSON AS HER HAD IT BEEN ME. SHE SAID HE LEFT BECAUSE OF HER INFIDELITY AND THAT SHE WANTS THE CHANCE NOW TO BE THE WIFE HE DESERVES, ESPECIALLY FOR THIER CHILDREN. HE CAME HOME AND THEY BICKERED A BIT, HE DENIED BEING WITH HER AND SHE TOLD HIM HE WOULD HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION AND HE TOLD HER HE LOVED ME AND THAT HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME AND SHE SAID SHE ACCEPTED THAT AND LEFT. SO IT SEEMED TO BE FINAL.

 

THEN HERE COMES YESTERDAY. HE HAD TO GO TO HER HOUSE BECAUSE HER FATHER WHO LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER AND IS A BODY MAN WAS FIXING HIS CAR. HE SAID HE USED THEIR OTHER CAR AND WENT AND PAID SOME BILLS, CAME BACK, PLAYED WITH THE BABY A BIT AND THEN LEFT. HE DID TELL ME THAT HE TOLD HER THAT HE WAS THINKING OF GOING BACK TO HER BUT IT WOULDNT WORK. SHE CAME TO THE HOUSE AND TOLD HIM THAT HE BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH THAT THEY WERE AT HOME SLEEPING TOGETHER. HE DENIED IT BUT I DONT KNOW. WE MADE LOVE AND WENT TO BED. SHE CALLED AT 4 IN THE MORNING AND LEFT A MESSAGE THAT THEY WERE NOT GOING TO QUIT SLEEPING TOGETHER AND THAT SHE GAVE GOOD ORAL SEX AND HE COULDNT GIVE THAT UP. SHE JUST CALLED ME AT WORK AND SAID THAT HE TOLD HER HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH AND THAT HE TOLD HER ALSO THAT HE WANTED TO GO HOME BUT DIDNT KNOW IF IT WOULD WORK. I THINK I AM GOING TO SEND HIM HOME TODAY! WHAT DO I DO?

[miz_barby]

wow what a dilema! are you sure the ex isn't just making trouble?? I mean she sounded crazy from the begining has he actually confessed? I say it's a messy place to be in and since you have such a history it's hard to let go...I would refuse to believe anything his ex said (since you have such a bad history with her). I would say that you are the bigger woman but I must ask you...is he really worth all the drama? If you're answer is YES right away I say try and sort through and find out what's real and what isn't.....but if you're not sure then I say take some time...tell him how you feel, make it clear you don't want to be in the middle of a lot of turmoil, the kids don't deserve that and neither do you.... I say remove yourself from the situation...if he really loves you and knows it's you he wants to be with then he will make that clear to her and be with just you....if he really is just with you he shouldn't be spending time alone with her and putting himself in a place to be accussed by her....they should meet somewhere or bring you along to spend time when he sees the baby....anyway good luck in this!

[overseas2004]

Well I really can not relate to the experience you are having since it all sounds so messed up.

 

Not to make fun... but maybe you should call Jerry Springer. Sounds like you would be a shoe in for the show.

[istilllovehim]

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE SAID THAT. IT REALLY IS A MESSED UP SITUATION.

 

AND AS FOR DO I THINK THE EX IS JUST STARTING TROUBLE... THAT IS WHERE I AM TORN. SHE IS CRAZY. IF I COULD JUST READ MINDS

[miz_barby]

Hahaha yeah if most of us could read minds life would be so much easier!! I have a feeling that things will work out for ya without jerry's help Hahaha!

[Sundaymorning]

please take the caps off!! i cannot read your post because its too "screaming"....take the caps off, thanks

[istilllovehim]

I am required to use them here at work for the data entry part to the job. Sorry dont even notice it anymore.

[Sundaymorning]

oh ok....i guess i just saw that the subject line was not in all caps, maybe mods did that...

[brashgal]

Send him home to her. Find someone who is not attached, you are young and I know you could find a single man who would be faithful to you. This guy is just a cake man and if you allow him to, he'll continue to take advantage of you.

[SoleMate]

I have been reading this website for a few days now trying to find an answer to my problem. I have learned that everyone’s problems are unique and that there really is no one answer. I am going to post my situation in hopes that someone can help me figure out what to do.

 

I am in love with a married man!!

 

I began dating can began dating back in 1995 when I was 17 and he was 18. I had just left a relationship that I was in for 2 years and he had just left one that he was in for 3 years. With can it was the most intense loving relationship I have ever had period!! We would have made it except his ex lb was determined to get him back. She threatened to kill me many times and at one point even woke me up in his bed with a 6 inch butcher knife to my throat. I fought her off and she realized that I was not going to lie down to her. Hell, we were only teenagers after all. We all remember how we have it all figured it out in our teenage years. Well my or should I say our boyfriend was very confused, he would be with me then be with her then be with me.... And so on.

I was so in love with him that it took all of the sanity that I had. I was already using drugs and began feeling insecure and suicidal and therefore my mother had me committed to a mental facility. I was released within 2 weeks and diagnosed with parent/child relationship and substance abuse. (I was so weak in those days). I didn’t speak to him again. My mother finally decided that she was going to get me away from him and so moved me 2 states away to Indiana. I missed him dearly but I was determined to move on with my life and be happy. That was 1996.

 

I lived in Indiana for only 7 months when I met a man that was able to make me feel complete again. We dated for only 7 months and I became pregnant at 19 with our child. I married him and lived with him for 7 years in Indiana and finally left him in January 2003 to come back to Missouri. My husband was abusive and was using heroin behind my back. It took me many years to get away from him because of the sake of our son. I wanted the fantasy family.

 

So that brings me back to Missouri and the year is now 2004. My ex-husband (divorced him in June 2003) is now in jail for drugs. Well my old boyfriend can is now married to her, lb, and they have a 3 yr old son and an 8 month old son. He had to take a dank test to determine if the 8 month old was his because she was sleeping with his sisters husband. She didn’t even tell him until the baby was 2 months old. It was his child. They are beautiful wonderful children.

 

So about 2 months ago, he told my friend, his cousin that he wanted me back. We communicated a while through his cousin and all I really would say is that he has always been in my heart but I am not about to get involved with someone else's husband. I have always know that if he wanted me that I would take him back but not under those conditions. He came over to the house 2 times and visited with me and my now 6 yr old son but we never touched. His wife called me one day and asked me why I was talking to her husband and I told her that it was innocent and I promised I would not touch him as long as they were together. Well he told her 2 weeks ago Saturday that he cared for me and that I never hurt him like she did and that I would not take him unless she knew and so he had to tell her. She told him that she did not want to stop him from being happy and if I made him that way, she would not stand in the way.

 

So he came to my house and has been there ever since. Its been 2 1/2 weeks now. She at first was fine, she let him go get the kids everyday and bring them to my house. The three yr old has stayed the night with us 4 times. He and my 6 yr old like playing together so he is always wanting to be at my house. She told him that she wasn’t giving up on him and would take him back any time he wanted to come home.

 

Okay so 2 days ago she comes to my house while has gone and told me that they have slept together since he has been with me. She was crying and sad and I felt so awful. I love him but I do not want to be the cause of this much pain for her or anyone. I asked her if it were not for me, would he be back home with her. She said no, she knew he truly loved me. She told me that he is not a cheater and that he is just confused. She was so sincere. I don’t think I could not have been as big of a person as her had it been me. She said he left because of her infidelity and that she wants the chance now to be the wife he deserves, especially for their children. He came home and they bickered a bit, he denied being with her and she told him he would have to make a decision and he told her he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and she said she accepted that and left. So it seemed to be final.

 

Then here comes yesterday. He had to go to her house because her father who lives across the street from her was fixing his car. He said he used their other car and went and paid some bills, came back, played with the baby a bit and then left. He did tell me that he told her that he was thinking of going back to her but it wouldn’t work. She came to the house and told him that he better tell me the truth that they were at home sleeping together. He denied it but I don’t know. We made love and went to bed.

 

She called at 4 in the morning and left a message that they were not going to quit sleeping together and that she gave good oral sex and he couldn’t give that up. She just called me at work and said that he told her he told me the truth and that he told her also that he wanted to go home but didn’t know if it would work. I think I am going to send him home today! What do I do?

[kkat]

I'm sorry for the pain you are in, but I really think you'd be so much better off without this man. You have yourself and your child to focus on, and he has a wife and his children. You recognize that he is confused - he is going back and forth between two women who are knowingly sharing him, having sex with both of you, and integrating his young children into the situation this way is unhealthy and confusing for them.

 

You lived this long without him, and if he does end up divorced, then you could consider if you still wanted to persue things with him. But in the interim, you are putting yourself and your child in jeopardy I fear - the wife is clearly unbalanced and based on her past history, not beyond violence or threats of it. You don't want that in your home, do you?

 

Good luck.

[reachingskywards]

I think that you need to send him back to his wife. He obviously is confused and I don’t think that is going to change in a hurry. You said that in your early years when the two of you dated before that he would go back and forth between you and another girlfriend and that’s exactly what he is doing now. I don’t think he will stop it until he is forced to do so by one of you asking him to leave for good.

 

I’m with a mm so I’m not casting any judgement on his marital status but by the same token it looks to me like he’s stuffing you around. Be good to yourself. You don’t need it. No one does.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by SoleMate

I have been reading this website for a few days now trying to find an answer to my problem. I have learned that everyone’s problems are unique and that there really is no one answer. I am going to post my situation in hopes that someone can help me figure out what to do.

 

I am in love with a married man!!

 

I began dating can began dating back in 1995 when I was 17 and he was 18. I had just left a relationship that I was in for 2 years and he had just left one that he was in for 3 years. With can it was the most intense loving relationship I have ever had period!! We would have made it except his ex lb was determined to get him back. She threatened to kill me many times and at one point even woke me up in his bed with a 6 inch butcher knife to my throat. I fought her off and she realized that I was not going to lie down to her. Hell, we were only teenagers after all. We all remember how we have it all figured it out in our teenage years. Well my or should I say our boyfriend was very confused, he would be with me then be with her then be with me.... And so on.

I was so in love with him that it took all of the sanity that I had. I was already using drugs and began feeling insecure and suicidal and therefore my mother had me committed to a mental facility. I was released within 2 weeks and diagnosed with parent/child relationship and substance abuse. (I was so weak in those days). I didn’t speak to him again. My mother finally decided that she was going to get me away from him and so moved me 2 states away to Indiana. I missed him dearly but I was determined to move on with my life and be happy. That was 1996.

 

I lived in Indiana for only 7 months when I met a man that was able to make me feel complete again. We dated for only 7 months and I became pregnant at 19 with our child. I married him and lived with him for 7 years in Indiana and finally left him in January 2003 to come back to Missouri. My husband was abusive and was using heroin behind my back. It took me many years to get away from him because of the sake of our son. I wanted the fantasy family.

 

So that brings me back to Missouri and the year is now 2004. My ex-husband (divorced him in June 2003) is now in jail for drugs. Well my old boyfriend can is now married to her, lb, and they have a 3 yr old son and an 8 month old son. He had to take a dank test to determine if the 8 month old was his because she was sleeping with his sisters husband. She didn’t even tell him until the baby was 2 months old. It was his child. They are beautiful wonderful children.

 

So about 2 months ago, he told my friend, his cousin that he wanted me back. We communicated a while through his cousin and all I really would say is that he has always been in my heart but I am not about to get involved with someone else's husband. I have always know that if he wanted me that I would take him back but not under those conditions. He came over to the house 2 times and visited with me and my now 6 yr old son but we never touched. His wife called me one day and asked me why I was talking to her husband and I told her that it was innocent and I promised I would not touch him as long as they were together. Well he told her 2 weeks ago Saturday that he cared for me and that I never hurt him like she did and that I would not take him unless she knew and so he had to tell her. She told him that she did not want to stop him from being happy and if I made him that way, she would not stand in the way.

 

So he came to my house and has been there ever since. Its been 2 1/2 weeks now. She at first was fine, she let him go get the kids everyday and bring them to my house. The three yr old has stayed the night with us 4 times. He and my 6 yr old like playing together so he is always wanting to be at my house. She told him that she wasn’t giving up on him and would take him back any time he wanted to come home.

 

Okay so 2 days ago she comes to my house while has gone and told me that they have slept together since he has been with me. She was crying and sad and I felt so awful. I love him but I do not want to be the cause of this much pain for her or anyone. I asked her if it were not for me, would he be back home with her. She said no, she knew he truly loved me. She told me that he is not a cheater and that he is just confused. She was so sincere. I don’t think I could not have been as big of a person as her had it been me. She said he left because of her infidelity and that she wants the chance now to be the wife he deserves, especially for their children. He came home and they bickered a bit, he denied being with her and she told him he would have to make a decision and he told her he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and she said she accepted that and left. So it seemed to be final.

 

Then here comes yesterday. He had to go to her house because her father who lives across the street from her was fixing his car. He said he used their other car and went and paid some bills, came back, played with the baby a bit and then left. He did tell me that he told her that he was thinking of going back to her but it wouldn’t work. She came to the house and told him that he better tell me the truth that they were at home sleeping together. He denied it but I don’t know. We made love and went to bed.

 

She called at 4 in the morning and left a message that they were not going to quit sleeping together and that she gave good oral sex and he couldn’t give that up. She just called me at work and said that he told her he told me the truth and that he told her also that he wanted to go home but didn’t know if it would work. I think I am going to send him home today! What do I do?

 

 

EXCELLENT Sole....tooo bad the point was missed!!!!! I caught it though.... YOUR BUDDY.....B.

[istilllovehim]

Update...

 

Well last night I went to his grandma's to pick him up. She called and asked if I was there and when she found out she said she was coming over to kick my a$%. This girl is about 170 lbs and I am only 130 so I am sure she probably could, and I probably deserve it. She showed up and went after me but he got between us and said he wasn't going to let her touch me. For goodness sakes, were 26 yrs old. I can understand why she wants to and I told her that. I told her that I had sympathy for how she felt and I told him to go home. He just doesn't want to. I even told him in front of her and he told her even if I left him, he wasn't going back to her. He loved me and wanted to be with me and it was too hard on their kids for them to be together. She told me to at least leave him alone until the divorce is final. I know I should. But like I told her, I love him and he loves me and what would it show him if I walked away from him. If we have a chance I have to be by his side no matter what, even if that means that she is going to fight me every day. I did stress the point that I have a 6 yr old son and that If she ever did anything in front of my son, I would have her in jail so fast she wouldn't even know what hit her. My son has been through enough watching his father abuse me. She finally calmed down and told me that she was going to leave us alone. If it was meant to be for her and him then it would happen. She said he never has and will never be able to love me the way he loves her. She left finally.

 

Well we went home after about 10 minutes and she showed up at the house. She asked me if I would let him come back home if he went for a ride with her. I said of course. She said she didn't want to talk to him in front of me and I told her I felt uncomfortable when they spoke in front of me. So they left for about 15 minutes and then she dropped him back off. He told me that he told her again that he wanted me. She cried and told him that she was going to back off. She promised she wouldn't call and harass us like she does every night and she didn't call. I am surprised. This mess is just getting worse and worse. I just want to be happy!

[miz_barby]

I say you showed everyone you were the MUCH BIGGER woman by allowing them to leave and talk alone! In some ways I agree with some of the other people here about maybe just being able to leave him alone BUT if he really wants to be with you ((( which it sounds like he does))) then you shouldn't allow anyone least of all a jealous ex to come between the two of you! even though she is still his wife you didn't MAKEhim leave! She has to realize he is going to go where he wants no matter what either of you wish him to do.....

[istilllovehim]

Miz_barby, I am so relieved that someone else out there understands this. I live in a town of 1,000 people and she lives 3 miles away in another town of 1,000 people. Mostly everyone we know have given us their blessing because they say that we make each other glow. I think if we had hidden our relationship or had been intimate before she knew about our feelings toward each other it would be a different story. We have done everything fair, other than loving each other while he is still married. She even told me yesterday that she knew he loved me the most. I know that has to be hard for her to know. However she did end up saying that he would never love me like he did her... she is confused and hurt. She does know that he would have never even considered leaving her if she hadn't had an affair with his brother-in-law. CN is too good for that. He would have stuck by her side forever because of their vowels. He said she broke the vowels.

 

I do know that whatever I have to go through for him is worth it. He has my heart and I believe that I have his. Someday we will be married and have a family of our own. I truly believe that. I know there is a chance that wont happen but I truly believe that.

 

Well I only have 2 hours until my work day is over. I am hoping that she is truly going to leave me alone. I guess I will see tonight. I will update tomorrow! It is helping me so much to be able to post my feelings. It is helping me to work them out.

[istilllovehim]

Update 4/8/04.

 

Well yesterday was a good day, I think. He called me on my cell on my way home from work and asked me to take him to his father-in-laws to get his car. (His father-in-law is a body man and was repairing his car that was wrecked 2 weeks ago at my sons birthday party). I dropped him off and he told me he was going to stop by his wife's house to get their son and bring him over. I figured it would take him forever, that she would find a reason to keep him there, so I called my friend and she came over and brought a 6 pack of beer. He showed up about 15 minutes later without his son because he was sleeping. We sat around the house for a while until she called and told him his son was awake and he could come and get him so he went and was back within 20 minutes with his son. We all played a while and had a good time. She called a couple of hours later and told him to bring their son back home. This time he made him uncle and cousin go with him so she couldn't accuse him of doing anything with her. He came back home and everyone left. By this time, I had drank 3 beers (which is a lot for me) and I had a buzz. I finally sat down and told him all of my fears. I told him that we should stop seeing each other because I could feel he was torn. He said the only thing that he is torn about is being away from his children. He said he was learning to cope since they only live 2 minutes away. He told me that he didn't expect things to move so fast and I told him I didn't either. I said that we could slow things down and he said how do you slow down something that was meant to be (awwww). I told him that I was insecure about making love to him because she knows him so well and what he likes and he told me he has been worried about the same thing with me, since I was with my husband for 6 years. I poured it all out and told him that I have been holding back and pulling away. He said he could tell but that he was where he wanted to be and that as long as I let him stay with me, that he would. He said all the right things. I know he meant them at the moment but I worry that every time he sees her he is going to question it. He had to pick her up this morning because they have group therapy together. I asked him if this could be the last time that he does that. If they are going to be apart, they have to be apart. She has a car. He said okay because it wasn't fair to me. So they are together right now. Tonight I'm sure she will be calling and telling me about their supposed sex today. If I love him, I'll trust him. I hope that by loving him and trusting him, he isn't going to make a fool of me. He's never been a cheater. She even told me that, but she says he is now all of a sudden. He didn't cheat on her with me, he was honest and told her that he had feelings for me and that he had to leave her to pursue them. We didn't even touch until after that. I wouldn't do it to her either. I have been a wife, I wouldn't want that for me. I hope all goes well today. Does anyone have any opinions on what I should do?

[miz_barby]

You're probably right about her calling and telling you things about their "encounter" because she is still most likely going to continue to do anything to make you ask him to leave...if she calls listen to what she has to say if it were me I would be like "ok thanks for telling me" then when he came home I would let him know she called and said the same thing again and make sure you watch his reaction but let him know you believe and trust him and think she is just being spiteful!! I think that it is fair for you to ask him not to pick her up all the time since she has a car and hopefully he will respect that....it has to be hard especially since they are in group therapy together even though I think that it could be helpful for both of them to cope with the ending of the relationship....if he has never been a cheater and since he has been out right up front with you up until this point I don't think you have much to worry about. Obviously loving him so much I'm sure makes you want to scream everytime she "needs" him for whatever excuse she can come up with but I think in time it will get easier...as long as he continues to avoid being alone with her too much in their old home without anyone else. It was good of him to take his family with him and he should continue to take someone that both of you know and trust with him whenever possible! I'm sure she is aching inside too but damn it she should have thought and realized how much he meant to her before she slept with her brother in law! Going down that road is WAY wrong! She obviously doesn't have very many values because she kept it in the family even if it's his sister's husband and not her sister none the less they are all part of the same family!! Since I don't know her I won't bad mouth her but I say that if you're patient and as long as HE continues to treat you well and be honest then all will work out for you in the end. I can imagine how difficult it would be anyway being in this sticky situation however HE has told her that even if he wasn't with you he would still leave her.....I think when he sees her he will probably think of the good times they had and the children they have but at the same time he will be forced to remember her actions so I don't believe that you have much to worry about in the way of him making a fool out of you.....if he gets confused about his feelings all you can do is let him know how much you love him and that you're still there for him! I know posting her can really help ease some of the stress and tension, I too am glad I found this site and as far as your situation I can understand because as you said...it would have been different and wrong if he had carried on with you (with your knowledge) and lied to her at the same time by staying with both of you! However YOU didn't cause the breakup she did and he has a right as does any other human to be with you after he left the relationship with her....what does she expect him to do...stay single when he has a right to pursue his feelings with you that he has had for years...obviously he wasn't the one that cheated just to test the waters with you...neither one of you really have anything to apologize for! Good luck and make sure to keep me updated!

[istilllovehim]

They just got home from their group therapy. They are in therapy because a few months ago they got into a huge fight, he packed his things and went to his mothers house, she called him at midnight and said she was going to kill herself so he went home. He said she was ranting and raving in front of the children. I guess it got bad because she went running around outside in 20 degree weather with the baby in a diaper. Someone called the cops and she was taken to the hospital. He stayed at home with the children but I guess she admitted that they smoked pot and the cops came back and found a bag of pot. They took the kids from both of them until they could pass drug tests and straighten up. He hasn't touched pot since and he likes going to the therapy because it helps him be strong. Well I guess when they got to therapy she told them all that she has been thinking about killing me. She fantasizes about cutting the brake lines on my car or finding me and strangling me to death... how crazy is that. She told the group therapist and her individual therapist today and they ordered her to take anger management. Oh my god. Should I be worried or is she trying to scare me? Its just crazy.

[miz_barby]

Holy Sh*t she is nuts! I wouldn't think she would tell her therapist all of this if she was just trying to scare you and with her past of waking you up with a knife at your throat I would be careful!!!!!!!!!!! she is completely crazy and their kids need to be with him instead of her in case she does something to them out of anger at him! It is more than anger management she needs to be locked up and checked out (seriously) to have such detailed fantasies about killing someone who doesn't have any fault in this is NOT normal! She may also be doing all she can to get attention from this man (your b/f her ex) thinking that if she says all this he will leave you (for your safety) and come back to "take care" of her! For real watch yourself lock your doors, car doors, make sure all windows are locked and that if he has a key she can't get access to it to make a copy or use it herself! Watch yourself leaving work and let (if you have a neighbor close enough to you that you can talk to about this) let them know to call you or the police if they see anything suspicious like her or someone else around your house! Did he come and tell you this? If it gets worse I would get a temporary restraining order on her so that if she did come over or something the cops have grounds to arrest her but I also know that you probably don't want things to go so far since she still the mother of his kids....just keep an extra eye on yourself and family...I doubt she will do anything especially after mentioning it to therapists she may just have needed to vent but only she can know for sure

[istilllovehim]

Yes, as soon as they got back from therapy he called me to let me know he was back and to see how my day was going. He didn't come right out and say it and I felt as though he didn't want to tell me too much about it, but he did tell me. Maybe she thinks shell just scare me away. When we were 17 she used to call my mother and tell her to plan for my funeral that she was going to spit on my grave so she has talked about this for years. The therapist told her if she didn't get a grip on herself that she would lose her kids. Hopefully thats a reality check for her. Yesterday when she did call me, she told me that she used to think about it. I came right back at her and told her that half the reason my mother had me institutionalized is because my mother thought she would try and I would end up killing her. I didn't really mean to say that to her because it wasn't true but I wanted her to think that I am capable of handling myself. I may have a huge heart but I look out for my own and myself. I can handle the threats on myself but if she ever threatens to harm my child, I fear what I will do to her. Why cant she just see that he doesn't want her? If he breaks my heart after all of this, I am never going to speak to him again...EVER!!

[miz_barby]

I agree if he breaks your heart after all you've gone through for him then he won't deserve to have you by his side...good thing you let her know that you aren't scared of her and oh yeah if the threat of loosing her kids isn't enough then I don't think anything would be! Crazy broad needs to have some sense slapped into her!

[miz_barby]

How did your weekend go? Is everything still cool between ya'll?

[istilllovehim]

Update 4/13/04

 

Well were still together!! We didn't have to deal with her much on Thursday. We had to take his grandma to the hospital because she thought she was having a heart attack. Grandma is fine though . Friday she showed out a little and made a "big" mistake. We were running late for a class that he has to take for his employment. We were doing about 70 trying to get to class as fast as possible. We passed her on the road so she whipped a u-turn and chased us. She had both kids in the car, and the 3 yr old wasn't in a car seat. She was doing at least 80 to catch up with us and even passed a car on the shoulder that was turning left. When we pulled up at class she slid, literally slid, in behind us. He told her it was stupid of her to fly like that with the kids in the car, especially with one out of a car seat. She mouthed a little and told him he better call her to pick him up, she wanted to talk. So he went to class, she left and I went home. As soon as I got home she called and said she wanted to tell me that she doesn't drive like that with the kids in the car and I said "well, you did today". She started talking about how she wanted to do bad things to me and that she was ordered to take Anger Management. I told her it couldn't hurt. She said that she didn't want to lose her kids but sometimes she gets so mad that she doesn't think about the kids. I told her I understood her getting angry but I always think about my kid. How every action I take, I consider how the consequences affect my child and that I didn't understand her on that. I told her that she is a grown woman and everything she does is a choice that she made. I told her that she would be miserable if she lost her kids and that she would if she didn't stop and think. She came back with the comment "yea, one of us are going to lose our children".

 

Okay, so that didn't register immediately, not even for about an hour until I told someone else what she said and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. If she meant what I think, oh hell, I feel sorry for her!!. Well about 2 hours later CN had his boss drop him off at my house. Thats right, my house, and she was mad! He came in and I was pacing the floors ready to lose my cool. I told him what happened and what she said and I told him "I love you and will stand by you no matter what until it comes to my child. My child goes first and I will live without love to ensure the safety and happiness of my child". I told him not to say anything about it to her. If she knew it got to me, she'd do it all the time and I would probably lose it and hurt her. There is no danger like messing with the fury of a mother who feels her child is in danger!!!!!!!! I could tell he was fuming, but he's one of those guys that keep the anger bottled up. He wanted to go check on his grandpa since he was home alone since grandma was in the hospital. He left and came back within 20 minutes and told me he called her and went off. He didn't directly ask her why she said that other than asking her why she was bringing the children into this mess. She apologized and said she didn't mean to and she would stop.

 

Saturday morning she called and wanted us to go get the kids their Easter baskets so we did and CN took them to them. She was nice about it. She didn't know that we were planning on going to his mothers camper to go camping for the night. He had to go by his grandma's to get the suitcase. He told his grandma where we were going but asked her not to tell LB. He had his cell phone so she didn't need to know where we were. It was about an hour and a half drive up in the hills and when we got there, his mother and step dad were there. I was a bit uncomfortable at first but warmed up to them immediately. I asked them if they had any hard feelings toward me but she said that she had left a marriage for her now husband and has been in our shoes and is just happy that he is happy. She said she hasn't seen him smile in years like he does now. His step dad said that he can look at us and tell that we are soul mates (awww thats the 2nd time he has said that). The four of us did the nature thing and had a wonderful peaceful time. Boy we paid for it Sunday, ex was mad at us... She said both kids were sick and that CN was a bad father for not being with the kids on Easter. She really got to him that day. But the last two days we are fine. Things are going great! I pray they stay that way.

[miz_barby]

He warned her not to bring the kids into it yet that's exactly exactly what she's doing!!!! I'm sure if his kids were really sick she would have called the cell phone and got ahold of you guys!! She just wanted to say anything to make him feel guilty

about not being around! I have a feeling (since she knows it is her only communication with him) she will bring the kids into this situation A LOT! I hope not but you know how she seems to be nuts anyway! Has he ever considered trying to get custody of the kids? (I'm not sure if that's the best idea, just a thought) Well anyway I'm glad to hear things have gotten better for ya and I bet as long as you two don't let her immaturity get in between ya..you'll be okay!