Im The Other Woman I Love Him And I Feel Bad

[Debster]

I believe that the decision you made is the right one.

 

After all, this way you can rest assured that you did the honourable thing and that if it is meant to be, he will come back - BUT - this time after being 100% sure she is ready/willing/able to be in a committed relationship AND is divorced.

 

You owe it to yourself to have a relationship free of guilt, free of harrassment and where you have a man who is 100% available and committed to loving and being with you.

 

Please don't give in.

 

As for what he told his cousin, don't worry about it. It sounds to me like he just didn't want to talk about it and it's easier to get out of talking if you say you don't know. Or he was too embarrassed to admit to how messed up he was.

 

Or - maybe he doesn't know - and in that case it shows he is insensitive to what you are feeling / wanting and he didn't listen to you. That is a man you run away from - rather than want back.

[miz_barby]

Hi I sent you a PM (I'm not sure if it went through) anyway wow big changes huh? I think you saw how much he wanted to go "home" when he didn't show up there the first night!

[istilllovehim]

I swear I am on a roller coaster... But heres my update.

 

Friday, after I talked to her around noon, she called back. She was crying and she said exactly to me "MM wanted me to call you and tell you the truth. We have not been sleeping together, I just wanted to tell you that so that you would send him home to me. I am sorry for lying but I love him. But he is at your house right now packing his things and he is crying and hurting because he doesn't want to leave you. So you better call him and make things right with him, he loves you. Bye" WOW!!! So I called him at my house. He was obviously upset with me, wouldn't talk to me much. But I begged him to wait until I got home so he could talk to me. I told him that if he didn't want to leave me, then I didn't want him to. I was just trying to do the right thing. I thought that he really wanted to go home but he didn't want to hurt me so I was making it easier on him by sending him home. He said that when he woke up to her, he knew he wasn't where he was supposed to be. Well I called her back and asked her what was going on. She told me that he did come to her house that night but he didn't stay long. He just held his little boy and cried, I guess. She said that he parked his car beside the house so I wouldn't see it and that made her feel like crap, like she was hidden. She then told me that they are sleeping together but my MM wants her to tell me that they're not so she lied for him. She said that he spends all day everyday with her while I am at work and that they still kiss and make love. I was like "whatever" at this point. Man she is back and forth. She went as far as jokingly telling me that she has to have MM and he has to have me and the house is big enough, we could all just move in together. I know she was joking but what the hell is she thinking....?

 

Anyway, I went home after work and around 7 he was there. We kissed and I apologized for hurting him. I just told him that with this whole situation, it is alot to bear. Things seemed fine that night. Saturday he spent about an hour over at her house cutting the kids hair. Then we went shopping and things seemed fine. So Sunday was okay, he was a little distant from me. He wasn't hugging and kissing me as much as usual. So Sunday night while we were laying in bed, I asked him if he was in love with me. He said he was. I asked him to tell me what he was thinking. He told me that ever since I sent him away, he feels rejected. I tried to explain why I did what I did. I don't think I am getting it clear to him. Then he told me that he is back to thinking that he has to figure out what the right thing to do is and he is confused again. It is killing me to be his puppet on a string. One minute I'm sure were going to make it and that everything is okay and then the next I am thinking that I am going to get my heart broke and I am upset. Why cant he just make up his mind. I know it is hard, but he has to. I cant keep feeling this way. And to top things off, he isn't at my house today or his grandma's. After what she said, I have to wonder if he does spend his days with her and his nights with me.

 

This man is going to break my heart and I am just going to let it happen because I desperately want a future with him and I am afraid if I walk away, I am blowing my chance at happiness. This day at a time isn't much easier.

[miz_barby]

Both her and him seem back and forth.....IF they WERE sleeping together WHY would she call and say they weren't? She seems like the type that would continue to make it known that they were I can't see her lying for him saying that they weren't if they really were!

I agree why doesn't he just make up his mind...maybe he too is afraid once he totally leaves her and is with you that you'll end up hurting him and he'll be all alone (obviously only he knows what he feels but sounds like this could be possible)

 

Have you asked him about being at her house everyday while you're working...and if you don't mind me asking..........does he work? If you've asked him about sleeping with her (since she has called you last weekend)....was he defensive or did he seem honest?

 

If you really know in your heart you want to be with him (which it sounds like you surely do) all you really can do is wait it out.........

 

As far as she goes....who knows what to believe........can you really believe anything that comes out of the mouth of someone like her with her history?

[istilllovehim]

He works for the state of Missouri doing farm research. It is a seasonal and outdoor job. His season just started again but it has been raining and he cant work when it rains. He may actually be at work today. I did ask him if he spent all day with her and he said no. He told me that he tells me every time that he goes over there. He seems to be honest when I ask him about sleeping with her. I have finally come to the point that I am not going to believe anything she says. I don't even want to talk to her anymore unless it is about the kids. I am just at wits ends because here we are back in the same boat as in the beginning. He doesn't know if he should live with me because he loves me or go back to her because of the kids. Or so he says! Men, cant live with them, cant live without them...

[miz_barby]

First he should know it will NEVER work if he goes back just for the kids! If he loves you (which he says he does and it sounds like he does) then he should work on your relationship and also take time with the kids.....I can't believe she would want him back if he doesn't want her...what good is it living with someone who is only there to be near his kids.....If I was her I would ONLY take him back if he came back because he LOVED ME! But I guess she isn't very rational! Since he has told you when he goes over there just for the small things then I would say believe him until you see otherwise! Anyway in your update it said....

He said that when he woke up to her, he knew he wasn't where he was supposed to be.

So he slept with her that night (in whichever sense of the word)???

 

Hopefully he's working today or off doing errands....just make sure not to be too deffensive or he may get distant and deffensive as well! Anyway good luck and I'm sure things will work out (no matter what the outcome)!

[istilllovehim]

Well he is at her house. He just called me from there. He said she left to drop off applications and was supposed to be back 2 hours ago. At least he's not sitting there with her.

 

And yes, he stayed the night there with his son. He said he woke up the next morning and she was being all happy and nice and it just made him sick.

 

This man is going to drive me crazy.. . I guess I have to let him first. I feel better knowing that he isn't sitting there with her.

[Chrissy21]

Istilllovehim:

 

I know the part about thinking your going to go crazy. I feel like that just about everyday. It's an emotional roller coaster that leaves you high one moment and at your all time low the next. And it's like that everyday. And I don't know about you, but it seems that there are a whole new set of issues to deal with on a daily basis. Nothing seems to stay the same for very long. If everything is okay one day, the next day there will be some other type of drama.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but I almost glad that my parents found out. I feel relief.

I just think that they deserved to find out in different way than they did. My mom knows that I'm still seeing him even though she almost forbid me from doing that. I can't stay away from him. I'm in love with him. The thought of not being with him makes me feel empty.

 

Do you think that the two of you will ever be together in a real relationship where you can be together without the boundaries?

[istilllovehim]

Chrissy,

That is what I am counting on. What else is worth all this trouble? He seemed so wierd when I spoke to him earlier. Hell, I am almost at the point of who cares is he is still with her, at least he comes home to me. I am almost at the point where I will share him with her just for that little bit of love that he gives me. What kind of relationship is that though? What kind of self esteem do I have if I allow that. God, he is so addictive. Always has been. Whats going on with you? Is he still with you? Is he still living with her? I hope not!

[Chrissy21]

First, sorry I totally understand what your saying about going through the trouble of being with him if there isn't going to be a future. Stupid question. I just get so angry sometimes because I feel like things will never change for myself.

 

What's going on with my MM?

 

He's goes out of town to work on Monday and stays until Friday, he then comes home that Friday evening to see his baby, and stays to Sunday. As far as i know he goes home to his wife, but he sleeps in a different room. He has been for 2 years, even before we got together. He swears to me that he doesn't sleep with her, either in her bed or as far as sex goes. Do I believe him? For what it's worth yes, I do. If i don't then I have to ask myself what am I doing with him anyway, you know?

 

I told you my parents found out because his wife called my mom and told her. It was pretty bad. My mom was just horrified that I could do something like that. She was pretty hurt and angry about it for the first few days. After the anger wore off she started to want to know about the situation and how I felt about him and vice versa. She talked to my MM for an hour and so did my dad. I couldn't believe that. But my MM was very honest with them and told them everything from the very beginning. Then both his and my parents got together to talk. It was pretty crazy. His dad told my parents that I was just after his money. That totally infuriated my parents. That made me pretty angry too. I mean, the pain and anguish I have been through for the past year cannot be worth any amount of money. i don't want his money, never given him a reason to think that either. Luckily, he told me that he knew that wasn't true.

 

So, my mom told me that she didn't want me seeing him until he filed for divorce. So far I still don't think he knows what he wants to do. The answer seems pretty easy to me, but then maybe I'm just thinking about myself. Of course, we don't stay away from each other. Just can't do that. I agree with you, it does become an addiction. He is my drug.

 

And like you, I would do anything just to have him in my life, even share. You think about that and it is crazy to feel that way. But he has become a necessity in my world that I cannot live without. You and I seem alot alike. I read all of your posts and I hear myself in what you say.

[miz_barby]

istilllovehim:

What do you mean weird? He isn't giving you a reason to think he is with both of you is he?

[istilllovehim]

No, he isn't giving me a reason to think that he is, luckily. But you know how you can tell by someone's voice that something is troubling them, thats how he sounded. I am thinking that I may be asking him too many questions. I want to know how he feels, but sometimes when he tells me, it just hurts. He is always completely honest.

 

Well, I decided yesterday not to ask him any question, just to be quiet and see how he responded to me. It was much easier than I thought. I guess because I am so hurt because he is confused again, I didn't have much to say. We went to his mothers house and had dinner. We took his two and my little one with us. His mother and step-dad commented on how good we are together and how good I am with the kids. I seem to just take care of the kids the whole time were together. He does his part but my motherly instinct takes over and I mother hen them... . So I spent much of last night just being with the kids and just giving him a loving glance every now and then. I did notice Sunday when we were in the car that he kept his hands to himself. (That was the day he told me that he was doing a lot of thinking). Last night he put his hand on my leg like he normally does. I usually hold his hand but I just kept it tucked under my leg. I know he knew that I was upset. I know he knew that I was holding back, but I have to. I cant just let him break my heart so easily. Well on the way home, I finally put my hand in his and he held it so tight. I felt as if that was his way of letting me know that he doesn't want to let me go. You could just feel the love. When we got home, I just rolled away from him and fell asleep. I woke up with him wrapping his arms around me and caressing my hair. He was actually watching me sleep.

 

I guess that I will just keep taking it one day at a time. Things seem to be getting better with the wife. She seems to be more understanding now that she knows he doesn't want to leave me. I hope she stays that way and I hope that he realizes that just going back for the kids isn't the right answer. They fight so bad. That is hard on the kids. I love him and I know he loves me. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

[miz_barby]

Good idea....taking it one day at a time is probably the only way you won't drive yourself insane! He sounds like he wants to be with you and I have a feeling that some of the things you fear come more from insecurity (which any normal person would have especially in this situation!) than from anything he is doing!

At least he can see you really care about him and his kids and aren't just putting on an act in order to insure he stays with you.........anyone who does this the (his) Mom usually can catch on! It is good that you have their support behind the 2 of you! That is kind of important as well...that way he knows what he is doing isn't wrong and since he loves you I think you don't have anything to worry about!

 

I think it will be rocky for awhile (because of the whole situation) but if you 2 wait it out things will probably be a whole lot better and I'm sure what happens now will be So worth it in the end (when you 2 can hopefully look back and smile and realize all you went through just to be together, and if that ain't love I don't know what is)

[istilllovehim]

I do hope we make it in the end. If we do, I know it will all be worth it! I love him, always have as long as I can remember. Love will find a way!

[miz_barby]

yeap I bet it will...and isn't that a song? Love will find a way? If not it should be hahaha!

[Chrissy21]

Istillovehim:

 

I think that your MM really wants to be with you and he has taken the steps toward that, which is more than I can say about mine. My MM still lives with his wife on the weekends when he comes home. It makes me feel so hurt they're aren't even words to describe the pain. We make love then he goes home to his wife. It makes me so angry.

 

He says that he wants to be with me all the time and when we're laying in bed he doesn't want to leave. So where do I fit in the picture is what I need to know? I don't think that he is ever really going to leave to be honest. I hate the fact that I came to that conclusion because it doesn't leave anywhere to go except away from him. If I came to that conclusion that basically means that it's over and I'm just prolonging that heart break. As soon as i think that I am strong enough to move on he gives me something to hold on to. It's like this all of the time. I can almost predict when he'll call and the things that he will say. And he always seems so sincere.

[istilllovehim]

Ah ha, I figured it out!! Men just suck . lol....

 

Well I went home last night and he was at the house helping my grandparents spread dirt in my yard. Seemed okay! Then my little one wanted to ride his bike so I took off on a walk with him. My MM drove around and found us and told me that he had to go help his cousin move a couch or something like that. And that his wife had his 5 yr old nephew at her house and he wanted to see him so he would be back soon. He was gone for 2 hours. I called his cousin/my best friend and she came over and sat with me. His wife called and asked me if "her husband was there". I told her no and she wanted me to tell him to call her. That always upsets me because he is her husband until they are divorced so I cant correct her. Well he came home and cousin got all over his butt about her. I didn't say a word. I wouldn't even look at him really. The cousin's guy friend came over and he and my MM took a ride over to my MM's uncles house. While they were gone the wife called again and his cousin answered the phone. Wife asked again "Is my husband there"? Cousin said no. Wife asked "who is this" and the cousin told her. Then wife said "Where is he?" Cousin told her that he left with Chad and Wife said "Have him call me" and cousin just said okay and hung up. Well MM comes home about 30 minutes later and wife calls crying because we hung up on her and so she is going to take her sleeping pills and kill herself. As soon as she called, I went in the kitchen and blared the radio so that I wouldn't have to hear them speaking. He was on the phone with her I know at least 30 minutes. I was bleaching floors and doing laundry, anything I could do to avoid him. Finally around 11:30 I told him that we should go to bed. We went to bed and as I was laying down, he pulled me over to lay on his chest, as I do every night. I didn't say a word to him. He laid there just holding and caressing me but I didn't move and didn't speak. That was not at all like me. I usually keep him up talking but I didn't have anything to say. He knows something is wrong with me. This morning we woke up and had sex, yes sex. We didn't make love, we just had sex and I just got right up and walked away from him. I did kiss him before I left and smiled and said I love you but I don't know how to react to him right now. I just need a couple of days of peace. If he isn't careful, he is going to lose me. He has to set his boundaries with her and do it soon. I am tired of being the other woman still, even though he lives with me.

 

I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have this web site to empty my feelings on to. It is like a diary that I can share with people I don't know who. This is so therapeutic.

[istilllovehim]

I am about to go home. If my horoscope is right, we should rekindle our love tonight. I hope so!

[VivianLee]

I'm not saying this to be ugly so I truly hope you won't take it that way. How could I be "hateful" when I spent time and cared enough to read 5 pages of this thread?

 

This is my opinion but it's gathered from experience (not mine in this case but believe me, I have enough baggage to share any kind of experiences you want, so understand I'm not being judgmental)....from your having problems as a teen, to marrying an addict/abuser to this relationship....just from reading all this, I believe you aren't addicted to this man but addicted to crisis, chaos and drama. I'm not trying to tear you down or belittle the love you feel or the situation but if you would go back and read this with the mind of someone on the outside, you're life seems to be the makings of several Lifetime movies!!

 

I know people that can't live a peaceful, happy and quiet life, they need drama and a crisis ALL the time. How can you enjoy this relationship at all? What good have you gotten out of it but high drama and pain? Why would you expose your child to this? Why would you expose yourself to this? I know in your mind you feel that it's just love and that you are willing to do anything for the love of this man but the anythings that you are doing are just not normal. His wife is mentally ill, she could kill your or your child. That shouldn't excite you but should appeal to the sane part of you that "this isn't normal or good"...

 

Plus, the guy is a loser!! Apparently things that have happened in your life have ruined your self-esteem. How in the world could you let him eat food she sends, joke on the phone with him and have him "trying to decide what he's going to do" after you've let your life become a living hell (once again) for a man??

 

You are never going to get him out of your system till you get the need for high drama and crisis out of your system. Plus, you are an enabler by letting this man see-saw between you and this woman. I'm sorry it all sounds so harsh, I truly feel badly for you!!

 

If I were you, I'd go straight to therapy (I need it myself but can't afford it so I'm buying books and researching online, you can too if you can't afford it right now) and see what is causing you to see these type of relationships and crisis as something you seek and think is normal...what I worry about you and others in your situation, perhaps you do "get the MM", then what? You've got pyscho-ex to deal with and you already have a taste of that plus maybe MM isn't so wonderful to live with after all....which won't change anything if you are still into this chaos and drama life...

 

You can do better than this! I know you can! There's so much better in life out there! A life of peace (not perfection) and safety. Seek that!! Please, if not for your sake at least for your child's sake. One child is worth 1,000 of "true loves"!!

[istilllovehim]

Damn, that hit the spot exactly. My child has Medicaid (because I am a single mother) and I took him to therapy last year for about 6 months. He is hyper active and was having a hard time dealing with all the changes in his life that I put him through. 1.) Left his father. 2.) Left Indiana (the only home he knew. 3.) Moved into my grandparents (people he hardly knew). Anyway, the counselor didn't speak to my son much, just asked me questions each time about the kind of life that his father and I gave him. The conclusion of the counselor was that I have a tendacy of picking men who I can take care of. Its not that I am addicted to drama, just that I don't feel needed until I find a man who needs me which always puts me in a bad situation. He said that he could put me and my ex husband in a baseball park with 1,000,000 normal good guys and I still would have found my ex. He suggested that I go to counseling and find out why I have that need. Lord, I don't know. I did find out that there is a counseling group 7 miles from my home that will do free or slide scale. Right now I cant afford slide scale but in July I am quitting work because I got accepted in to nursing school so I will qualify for the free counseling and I am definitely going to utilize it.

 

Well, things have changed so much since yesterday. I went home and we got along great. Kissing and hugging and laughing. Well then she called and wanted my MM to go get the kids. Just before he walked out the door she called and once again asked for her husband. I said sure hold on and then said where she could hear me "honey, your wife is on the phone". That set her off. I guess when he got there she was flipping out. He picked up the kids and left. She called me and told me that she didn't want me to forget that she is his wife and always will be. He told her he doesn't want a divorce (according to her).I said whatever and then she made some remark about how I wasn't a good mother because she heard me cussing. I was cussing because I was out in the road with my little one working with him on riding his bike (were leading up to taking the training wheels off) and my MM's uncle come flying up. He was drinking and I started cussing telling him it wasn't funny and that he needed to slow the f*%k down. I told her whatever, I wasn't speaking to my child and hung up on her. Well MM came home and I just straight out asked him "Are you planning on divorcing her or are you just f&*king me around?". He said she isn't going to give me a divorce. I said, "It only takes one to get a divorce". He said he was planning on it. Well she called him and said she was coming over, they needed to talk. He told her he would come there. So he left. Thirty minutes later he called and told me he didn't know what to do. That he loved me and wanted to be with me but ...... he was afraid if he didn't take care of this crap with her that he would lose me. I told him he should have thought of that before he dragged me in the middle. We knew it was going to be hell, we promised we would stick together and make it through it. I started crying and told him I couldn't talk to him and hung up. I cried and cried and cried. Well then I called his grandma's and he was gone. She asked me to go and check on him. I found him standing on the street talking to his uncle and cousin. I told him I needed to know what was going on. He told me he wanted her to realize but he didn't know how to make her. Well hell...here we go again. I asked him if he was coming home and he said not tonight... tomorrow. So I went home. I just cried myself to sleep. Well today is tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen today. I am at work now and I guess he will show up when I get home. He is with her and his cousin right now because they are in counseling and she needed a ride. She don't have a dime to her name. I don't know what to do or say tonight. He is either going to tell me that he has to leave and be with her, or leave me and go off on his own, or stay with me. I don't know how to react to any of the situations! Lost again.....

[miz_barby]

Let's just knock some damn sense into HIM!!! GRRR!! Well no matter what ends up happening don't forget you have no control over it and it isn't going to be your fault no matter what!

And oh yeah can I ask ya...what part of Indiana were you from? I'm from and in Lafayette (lil ole lafayette) hahaha

[istilllovehim]

I lived in Valparaiso. Its in northwest Indiana. It had its ups and downs. I miss it sometimes because I miss the good times and the husband that loved me unconditionally. But also the husband that abused me and did drugs in the end. Hell I may end back up there after nursing school. I am beginning to remember why I left Missouri in the first place.

[miz_barby]

Indiana can be a good place to be at times especially if you have your family here! Yeah I have been to Valparaiso a couple of times that's not far from Michigan City. Quite a big bigger than Lafayette or at least it seems! hahaha! That is awesome that you're going to nursing school...moving on to bigger and better things is what you deserve and it would be wonderful if you can move on with the one you love without the trama of the (ex)wife. Things are gonna get better I'm sure one way or another but I think ya know we're pulling for ya that it's the way with him....

[istilllovehim]

Well last night I got back to my home town around 5:30 and went by my house. He wasn't there. I went by his grandma's and uncles and he wasn't there either. I saw my ex-boyfriend riding around in town and my little one wanted to go with him so I pulled him over and he took my little one. I saw 2 old guy friends of mine that I grew up with and I asked him to drive me by his wife's house to see if he was there. Nope, he wasn't there either. So I debated of going home and sitting there by myself waiting for him or hanging out with some old friends and having a good time. Well I talked to my ex and he wanted to keep my son for a while so I went mudding with my friends. I had a good time. It was nice for once not to worry about MM and the situation although he was on my mind the whole time. My little one wanted to go to my grandma's so the ex pulled me over. I jumped in the truck with him for a minute to go with him to drop my little one off. He couldn't jump in the truck with me and my friends because we were in a little s-10 and there was no where to buckle him up. Well as soon as we dropped my little on off, I had the ex take me back to the truck with my friends. We had fun. We had to drive my MM's house and he was there with her.... . So I hung out a little while longer and then had them take me to my car so I could go get my little one. I hung out at grandma's until 10 PM. I went home and he never showed up.

 

This morning I came in to work and talked to a co-worker who lives beside MM and wife. He said his car was there this morning. I guess he went back to her. Co-worker said he went over there yesterday and smoked a joint with them. I guess he is back to doing drugs which is something that he knows I don't allow. See he just quit doing them 3 months ago. I guess it has been a struggle to stay sober for him and I didn't even realize it. I thought he was happy being sober. He said he was! But he did tell me the other night, the only way he can live with her is if he stayed messed up. Damn, the first night with her and he has to be high. Co-worker said she bitched the whole time and that they just bickered. I guess he really had to go back to her to see. Maybe he will see and come back to me. I hope so! If not, life goes on. Just with a hole in my heart.

 

I really am upset that we didn't talk but it is half my fault. I wasn't home. He may have came by and I wasn't there. What good is it going to do if I just sit home and wait. I guess it will show him how much I love him but it could also show him that he can do anything he wants, I will just be there waiting. Either way I really don't know what I should do. And I did tell him last week that if he chose to be with her, just to take his things and leave me a note. Maybe that is what he will do today. I just know I love him.

 

What do I do?

[miz_barby]

It is sooooo sad that he started getting high again.....hopefully he was just too ashamed to come back but he needs to let you know something...He better not just leaving you hanging and wondering because that is not right at all! Have you tried calling your house to see if he's there or calling her house? I would call there just like she does you....But then again I probably don't make the best judgements!