MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) This past weekend I went to the mall, and I saw so many attractive girls/women there--this realization made me glad that I didn't have a boyfriend because if I did, I would feel incredibly insecure and miserable seeing all of these attractive women all over the place for my boyfriend to look at. I doubt I would even go to the mall w/ him I would probably have to limit the places we go to to make sure there aren't too many or any pretty women around. Men cannot control noticing pretty girls and I would often wonder if he was comparing me to them or thinking about having sex with all of them. This sometimes makes me wonder if I am truly ready for a real relationship. I just don't know if I could handle all my insecurity and jealousy. I would probably flip out if I suspected his head was turning in the wrong direction at some girl. I wish I knew how to work on this. I just don't think I can trust a man enough not to hurt me. I just hate how men are so visual and weak. After I left the mall, I didn't feel insecure but if I had a boyfriend w/ me I surely would. I noticed most of the girls at the mall were by themselves or w/ other friends--maybe they feel like I do & know not to bring their S/O with them. I'm bringing this up because this is an issue I had w/ a past relationship. And I've never gotten over it. Once my boyfriend took me to a theater and we were walking thorugh the parking lot & I saw a group of very pretty girls approaching near us, and I flipped out and demanded he take me home. They were dressed and styled much better than I was.. I just couldn't bare the thought of him noticing those girls and thinking they were more attractive than I was..I felt so humiliated. Edited April 15, 2011 by MissJoness
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I changed my mind halfway through reading your post. At first I thought you were just dating disrespectful guys who were checking out women while out with you. By the end of your post though I came to the conclusion that it's not, as your title states "self esteem w/men looking at other women"; it's self esteem issues in general. Or is it that I'm not reading your post right?
Woggle Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Anybody man or woman is going to notice attractive people of the opposite sex but I would never blatantly stare at another woman especially not in front of my wife.
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Anybody man or woman is going to notice attractive people of the opposite sex but I would never blatantly stare at another woman especially not in front of my wife. Yeah but you may not stare but you do notice them and probably thinking about having sex w/ them. That's what I don't like.
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Realize that any man who is with you can just turn on the TV and see wonderfully made up, beautiful women. Does this mean they want to be in a relationship with them? No. A pretty face and nice figure is just that; an exterior. Your man isn't with you for your physical body (hopefully:confused:), but for YOU. The first step to better self-esteem is to accept and love yourself. You need to work on that.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 No matter how [insert any positive trait] a man or woman is, there will always be someone better. Do you really want to spend your entire life being so insecure in relationships? This type of insecurity is a relationship killer since no partner will ever put up with being controlled to that extent. So, if you're not comfortable with the way you look, then improve on it by doing the best you can with what you're given. Realize that within a healthy relationship, a partner isn't in it solely for your looks and if past partners were, you're not being selective enough with the men you've been dating.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Yeah I remember your posts, and you seem to have gotten worse. You are not only nowhere near ready to be in a relationship, youre not ready to go outside, because you have OCD of insecurity, you seem to be enjoying making up scenarios to make yourself insecure, and a victim. Do you really wanna be a victim for the rest of your life?
mamamama Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Not all men are like that. My husband has never been the type to even notice other women, regardless of how attractive I think they are. He hates porn. He never masturbates. Wierd, huh? BUT even if you found a guy like mine, your self esteem would still get in the way. I know because I AM JUST LIKE YOU. Since he doesn't even notice the women around us, I base my insecurity on the women of his past. Ex-girlfriends, etc. I wouldn't obsess about a girl my husband knew years and years ago, and you wouldn't obsess about women your boyfriend MAY or MAY NOT be fantasizing about if we were completely secure with ourselves and what we have to offer. Im working on my self-esteem. You need to find a method that you and your boyfriend can work on together to boost your self-esteem, or else every relationship you enter will be riddled with insecurity and suspicion.
betterdeal Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 When you're on a diet you can still look in the fridge.
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 cities where there are alot of attractive women men are less likely to stay faithful
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Monogamy is mostly part of an active imagination, and if the guy has options, of course he's going to take part in them. As for the women are going to do it too. Many women, young and attractive, are just looking to have fun. Take it from a lady friend of mine. She told me that although a good looking man is arm candy, its far better to have an average guy as a boyfriend because he doesn't have as many options as the attractive guy got under his sleeve . that's why i dont think anything can solve my issue knowing this. ill never be good enough for one man. never.
betterdeal Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 All things must come to an end, and if a guy dumps you, he might have done so for an average woman. Nah, it means you can go and find a new, improved guy
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 OP, I used to be insecure. Not to the extent you are, but yeah I used to be insecure about my looks. I was overweight but had a " very pretty face" So then I dropped the weight, but still felt insecure. I finally saw a therapist for it. Here are the facts: Men do look and appreciate beauty in women (even if they have a gf) Men do think about having sex with those women - they can't help it. Gentlemen, will NOT leer at a woman, especially not in front of their girl. Gentlemen, will not act on their breif thoughts of sex with that stranger. Some things that the therapist did say to me that may help you : - No matter who you think the hottest woman out there is - she's not a universal standard. She may be hot to some but not to others. And the same goes for you - Just because you don't think you're as hot as some of these random girls, doesn't mean that you're not hotter in someone else's eyes. - Next time you see an attractive girl - instead of feeling threatened by her presence, maybe you should acknowledge what you find so attractive about her (in your mind obviously) but then remind yourself of assets you find attractive about you. For example, "Ooooh, that girl has an awesome flat tummy and can really pull off that outfit" along with…. "Well, I have perfect lips and amazing legs" I dunno, maybe doing that well help you feel less threatened by these random girls you find more attractive than you. It worked for me. Now I can appreciate the beauty of some other girl and not feel like it takes away from my beauty, from what makes me attractive (physically). I will also tell you this: You can have the most gorgeous girl ever, but if she lacks confidence and self esteem, that girl makes herself seem so much less attractive. I know this, because I have heard it from so many guy friends. Also, it’s the same for girls, we like confidence in men, it works both ways. If you have issues about yourself that you want to fix - fix them. Mine was being overweight, I dropped the weight. But for the rest of it, maybe you should see a therapist, and hopefully that will help. In the mean time, try using the technique I shared with you above (it was suggested by the therapist I saw, and it really did help me).
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Here are the facts: Men do look and appreciate beauty in women (even if they have a gf) Men do think about having sex with those women - they can't help it.I am having a hard time accepting this. I don't care how amazing or how much of a great guy he is...I cannot accept this fact. Anything a man does will never be good enough if he will always be looking at other women and fantasizing about having sex w/ them. I dont care how faithful he tries to be. It drives me nuts
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Do you not fantasise yourself? When I am in a relationship I fantasize about the guy I am dating. Don't think about other men.
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I am having a hard time accepting this. I don't care how amazing or how much of a great guy he is...I cannot accept this fact. Anything a man does will never be good enough if he will always be looking at other women and fantasizing about having sex w/ them. I dont care how faithful he tries to be. It drives me nuts I understand that - but that's because you're not OK with YOU. If you were completely secure in yourself, you wouldn't take it so hard. Looking, doesn't mean touching, it doesn't mean acting on... Just like you may notice a cute guy walk by - that doesn't mean that you were out prowling the streets for cute guys, you happened to see one walk by - its the same thing. We all look, we all find some people attractive, and that's the end of that. We don't all dump who we're with because the stranger has 1 or 2 features that are cuter than our SO. You need to find a way to be proud of yourself, and to love and appreciate yourself. I know its hard, I've been there, and that's why I understand (kind of) what you're saying, and that's why I gave you the suggestions I did.
Author MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 I understand that - but that's because you're not OK with YOU. If you were completely secure in yourself, you wouldn't take it so hard. Looking, doesn't mean touching, it doesn't mean acting on... Just like you may notice a cute guy walk by - that doesn't mean that you were out prowling the streets for cute guys, you happened to see one walk by - its the same thing. We all look, we all find some people attractive, and that's the end of that. We don't all dump who we're with because the stranger has 1 or 2 features that are cuter than our SO. You need to find a way to be proud of yourself, and to love and appreciate yourself. I know its hard, I've been there, and that's why I understand (kind of) what you're saying, and that's why I gave you the suggestions I did. I think some men would dump their girlfriend for a woman who they saw was more attractive if they knew they had a chance w/ her. A guy told me that he doesn't feel confident with a girlfriend who isn't super pretty because when he goes out and sees a more attractive girl...he wishes his girlfriend looked more like her. Hearing this type of stuff just fuels my insecurity regarding men and how I look.
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I think some men would dump their girlfriend for a woman who they saw was more attractive if they knew they had a chance w/ her. But then a guy like that wouldn't be worth being with anyways... A guy told me that he doesn't feel confident with a girlfriend who isn't super pretty because when he goes out and sees a more attractive girl...he wishes his girlfriend looked more like her. Hearing this type of stuff just fuels my insecurity regarding men and how I look. That friend of yours has some SERIOUS insecurity issues of his own if he feels the need to be with a super hot girl or else it reflects badly on him. I'm not saying that people shouldn't aim to be with those they find attractive, but if her looks are ALL he cares about and being with her makes him all sad that he's not with a better lookin girl, then maybe he needs to question why the girls looks give him validation in the first place. I get that we all want to be with people that we're proud of, but that should go beyond just the physical, and never in my life did a guys' "hotness" determine how happy he made me, or the value I put on myself. I understand why your friend's comments affect you negatively, but your friend sounds like he's got a tonne of his own insecurities - so don't put too much value on what he has to say.
betterdeal Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 When I am in a relationship I fantasize about the guy I am dating. Don't think about other men. Maybe a guy who is similar to you in this regard is a good match for you. Maybe work to find this out early on when you are considering someone as a potential lover.
Kelemort Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My boyfriend has a port wine stain that covers practically half of his face - when we have been out in public, people have made comments about it. I'm overweight, and a waitress at a restaurant once told me that I needed to eat a salad and lose some weight right in front of him. I think we've both been insecure about our looks to different degrees and worried that the other one will look elsewhere, but that's in each of us. For me personally? Boyfriend's port wine stain is hot and it's part of him. I love the way he looks. He may not be the conventional standard of 'hot' for the mass majority, but I'm not looking for their approval. And I think that's a mark of maturity - I couldn't imagine going out in public and opining, "Oh, I wish my boyfriend looked like that. I'm going to dump him because he's not my physical ideal." You will never have all of the traits you desire in a partner. And being mature is recognizing that and learning to deal with it - I will never be somebody's 100% match either. But I am totally fine with being "good enough" to get the job done - the best possible match. You have a severe problem here if the thought of going out in public and seeing attractive girls eats at you to this degree - to the point you'd leave an SO at home or avoid going to places where you will see pretty girls. I think it's natural to compare yourself. But I think the degree to which you're obsessing is unhealthy - is it possible that you have OCD? You need therapy, imho. That's not a bad thing, but you are going to see pretty, hot girls for the rest of your life. Sure, looks play a role. But at the end of the day, your boyfriend won't know them. I've caught my boyfriend looking before. He's caught me looking. And it doesn't matter. I know he's also looking at me and that he finds me attractive. But more than that, I know I do more for him than any other woman ever has and that I'm a good match for him personality-wise. Looks get you in the door, but they don't keep you. You won't be the only girl he ever finds attractive. However, you can be the only woman he loves for the rest of his life.
Engadget Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 We're all gonna look, my girlfriend looks when I'm with her and I look too, it doesn't really offend me or her. It's natural.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I think some men would dump their girlfriend for a woman who they saw was more attractive if they knew they had a chance w/ her. This isnt true. guys who are really into you do not fantasize about having sex with other women. problem is, if you keep dating guys that arent truly into you, then youre screwed. No one who is smart dumps they SO for someone they arent involved with yet. They cheat for a minute, make sure they have that person, then dump the present SO for the new one when they know they have something going. I dont know what your dating criteria is, but you have to learn how to tell when a guy is truly into you, and you dont settle for less. They man that is truly into you will innately not let you think he is imagining sex with other women.
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