Insecure Boyfriend

[Miss M]

So the other night I posted a thread about my new boyfriend of 3 months wanting me to delete my ex boyfriend from my cell phone and facebook and I just felt that it was strange for him to ask me to do this out of the blue and felt he was possibly being controlling and insecure for asking me to do this. I've never given him a reason to feel like i'm doing anything wrong or that I even talk to the guy.

 

Well last night I was telling him about one of my old coworkers who wants me to teach his wife how to use a computer accounting software that I know very well. They want me to come over to their place which is about 30 miles away and is a bit of a drive but not a big deal for me at all. I'm used to traveling anywhere by myself. Well my boyfriend offered to take me and at first I thought he was just being nice, but when I said that I wouldn't want him to go out of his way, and that I would be fine going on my own he kinda got a little upset. I just said that I wouldn't want him to have to wait for me and he asked how long it was going to take, and I just said that i'm not exactly sure. Well he responded with, "well now I know you're up to something" and I said "excuse me?" and he was like yeah, first you said you know and now you said you don't know, and I said " I said that I know how to use the software, and I don't know how long it's going to take me to teach her how to use it", and he was like, "well I offered, it's up to you if you want me to take you or not", and he was still pretty upset. He kind of got over it when he realized that i'm not cool with this type of behavior and forgot that he was even upset, but my question is, do you think that someone who has these type insecurities and fears can ever be changed into not feeling this way, or is it always going to be an issue and maybe even get worse?

 

I would like to mention that he has expressed to me that he's afraid of being cheated on due to being cheated on in the past, 5 years ago, but I didn't know it was this serious.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Miss M

[denise_xo]

Personally I have very little patience with these kinds of issues, so I'm probably not the best to advice. But I guess it comes down to

 

a) the extent to which you think he'll want to/ is able to work with you on these issues, and

b) the extent to which you're willing to 'accept him as he is' should not be able to 'improve'.

 

Have you tried discussing this with him directly? If so, what was his reaction? Is he even recognising that this behaviour can be problematic and dangerous for your relationship?

[carhill]

I'd take a break from this guy. Something is starting to sound 'off' here. I have a feeling history isn't exactly as being written. Regardless, your proactive transparency is being met with negativity, and that IMO is unhealthy for you. If he does indeed need help with his insecurities, he can see a therapist. That's not you

[betterdeal]

He can overcome those fears and self-defeating thought patterns. He will need to want to do so and be prepared to have a bumpy ride to start with, but it can be done with the right help.

 

From your perspective, you can judge how much effort you are willing to invest in this relationship issue. It can be a great growth point for the two of you. I suggest you consider joint and possibly individual counselling. The couples work can give you both a balancing perspective having a third person chairing the discussions, whilst the individual work can help you each to explore your own issues in private and develop things like self-esteem, self-awareness and self-promoting thought patterns.

 

If you want to do that, discuss it with your boyfriend in as precise, clear and positive way you can. This is classic assertiveness training, and it works. You say what you feel, what they do that makes you feel that way, and what you'd like them to do. For example:

 

I feel a bit frustrated because of the negative reactions you have to me. I'd like us to see a relationship counselling service to see if that helps us. I'm also thinking that individual counselling can be helpful for us too. Whaddya say?

 

Self-help books can also be very useful. Here are some to consider:

 

• Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes
  
• Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self
  
• Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action
  
• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy
  
• Overcoming Depression : a Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques
  
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship
  

 

You'll notice I've added a book on depression. I found CBT to be a great way to move forward in the way I think and whilst the book is aimed at depression, the principles of CBT apply universally

Edited April 15, 2011 by betterdeal

[fun2bewith]

I'd take a break from this guy. Something is starting to sound 'off' here. I have a feeling history isn't exactly as being written. Regardless, your proactive transparency is being met with negativity, and that IMO is unhealthy for you. If he does indeed need help with his insecurities, he can see a therapist. That's not you

 

I agree with Carhill....

Exit while you can...

[Miss M]

I'd take a break from this guy. Something is starting to sound 'off' here. I have a feeling history isn't exactly as being written. Regardless, your proactive transparency is being met with negativity, and that IMO is unhealthy for you. If he does indeed need help with his insecurities, he can see a therapist. That's not you

 

 

I don't think i want to give up on the relationship just yet. I'm seeking advice through my thought process because I really do like this guy and other than the insecurity issue he's a really great guy and I pretty much like everything else about him and I could tell that he really likes me a lot and would do anything for me. He always tells me how he feels and I can tell him how I feel, he's a great communicator and listener and I appreciate that a lot.

 

My ex boyfriend was horrible at communicating his feelings and that's one of the reasons that it ended between him and I, because i''m a communicator. At the very end he told me how he was thinking this and that, assuming things that weren't even happening, and I was like " I wish you would had told me how you felt, because like that we could've talked about it"

 

I'm sure that if I give up on the new guy, i'll find something wrong with the next guy as well.

 

 

Do you guys think it's a good idea for me to put in the extra effort to soothe his insecurites? I do think he's worth it...

[Miss M]

Have you tried discussing this with him directly? If so, what was his reaction? Is he even recognising that this behaviour can be problematic and dangerous for your relationship?

 

I am going to talk to him about it this weekend

He's very open to communication and values my opinion. I'm going to tell him how I feel about his behavior and I'm going to try to soothe his insecurities a little bit.

 

What do you think?

[carhill]

Do you guys think it's a good idea for me to put in the extra effort to soothe his insecurites? I do think he's worth it...

 

If you can develop an internal timeline for health and, if failed, resolve to let him go, then, IMO, sure. Otherwise, there will be endless withdrawals from your love bank and you'll end up an empty, desolate shell. BTDT. Additionally, some people, once they've leaned on others to soothe their wounds, dismiss them to start 'fresh', with no connection to nor memories/reminders of that negative time. It's a personality style. Unknown if applicable to your BF.

 

Taking a break doesn't have to mean 'give up'. It's a time to clarify and reflect. If the feelings and connection are still there, they are. If not, not. Time won't change that part if it's true.

[LuckyLady13]

Miss M, I think soothing his insecurities is a bad idea. In my personal experience, I tried this with my ex of 6 years and all that did was make him 10 times worse! I learned my lesson the hard way but I didn't make that mistake with the man I've been with the past 4 years. I didn't do any soothing as he was insecure when we first got together. Eventually...they get over it.

 

I have to say though that you've only got 3 months invested in this relationship so really, you should just make a quick exit. It sounds like you want to fix this guy. The only person who can fix him is him. If I saw signs this strong of controlling behavior after 3 short months, I'd be out the door so fast.

 

If you try to soothe his insecurities, you're only going to feed it. Will it get worse? It's going to get so much worse!

[Miss M]

Miss M, I think soothing his insecurities is a bad idea. In my personal experience, I tried this with my ex of 6 years and all that did was make him 10 times worse! I learned my lesson the hard way but I didn't make that mistake with the man I've been with the past 4 years. I didn't do any soothing as he was insecure when we first got together. Eventually...they get over it.

 

I have to say though that you've only got 3 months invested in this relationship so really, you should just make a quick exit. It sounds like you want to fix this guy. The only person who can fix him is him. If I saw signs this strong of controlling behavior after 3 short months, I'd be out the door so fast.

 

If you try to soothe his insecurities, you're only going to feed it. Will it get worse? It's going to get so much worse!

 

I'm not going to give into his demands, I'm still going to be me, and I am going to tell him how I feel about his behavior. I'm thinking that maybe I can soothe his insecurties by telling him things like you have nothing to worry about, I really care about you, no one else matters to me and then take it from there.

 

What do you think?

[Miss M]

Since the relationship is so new, this is all happening for the 1st time and I feel that the way I handle things now are very important.

 

He has an issue with being insecure and having paranoia when it comes cheating, but other than that he is an amazing person, and i'm not trying to change him, i just think that maybe If there are things I can do to help him get past this, then maybe we can make it work. I mean everyone deserves to be happy, no?

 

I'm not the type of person that can be controlled and he does not tell me what I can and cannot do, no one does. I don't want to give up on the relationship just yet. If he does not "fix himself", I will eventually get tired of the way he behaves, and I will move on, I have no problem with that.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Miss M

[LuckyLady13]

Let me try this: Most of my closest, best friends have always been men. I treated my ex totally differently than my guy friends. I thought I should show all this extra caring since he's my boyfriend. I tried exactly what you're thinking of trying. Told him he has nothing to worry about, I'm with him and chose him over anyone else, he's the one that matters to me, etc. I thought this showed him I cared about him and I was being genuine.

 

What did this do? It taught him that he could hold me up from doing just about anything by telling me he felt insecure and bad about himself. I'd spend hours and hours on this soothing BS and not do what I was supposed to be doing.

 

He also told me the reason he was like this was because he was cheated on by his previous girlfriend. Well, guess what I found out. She didn't cheat on him. I had sympathy for a guy who lied to me.

 

He told me he was cheated on by his ex in the first two weeks we were together. Then, played the poor insecure, hurt guy to the hilt! He used this to his advantage to act like a lunatic every time I wanted to do something simple like go to the store or spend 30 short minutes with a friend.

 

Your boyfriend said "now I know you're up to something" and you've only been together 3 months? This isn't just a red flag. You really should exit from this relationship. I really mean that. He's acting as if his cheating ex-girlfriend is good reason to act like a nut with you.

 

If you're not going to leave, you'd better get a quick grip on yourself with how you're responding to this guy before it gets out of hand more than it already has. Next time, you tell him "I haven't cheated on you and don't plan to so end of discussion" and be on your way. He will try to draaaaaaag you back into his game but don't do it. Don't soothe him, don't say a word, don't fight or argue with him, just leave when it's time for you to go.

 

Men are men. I wouldn't soothe one of my guy friends. I should've treated my ex-boyfriend more like my friends. Men need you to be direct. They don't need to be babied, they don't need a second mother. The more direct you are with them, the quicker they understand you.

[Miss M]

Let me try this: Most of my closest, best friends have always been men. I treated my ex totally differently than my guy friends. I thought I should show all this extra caring since he's my boyfriend. I tried exactly what you're thinking of trying. Told him he has nothing to worry about, I'm with him and chose him over anyone else, he's the one that matters to me, etc. I thought this showed him I cared about him and I was being genuine.

 

What did this do? It taught him that he could hold me up from doing just about anything by telling me he felt insecure and bad about himself. I'd spend hours and hours on this soothing BS and not do what I was supposed to be doing.

 

He also told me the reason he was like this was because he was cheated on by his previous girlfriend. Well, guess what I found out. She didn't cheat on him. I had sympathy for a guy who lied to me.

 

He told me he was cheated on by his ex in the first two weeks we were together. Then, played the poor insecure, hurt guy to the hilt! He used this to his advantage to act like a lunatic every time I wanted to do something simple like go to the store or spend 30 short minutes with a friend.

 

Your boyfriend said "now I know you're up to something" and you've only been together 3 months? This isn't just a red flag. You really should exit from this relationship. I really mean that. He's acting as if his cheating ex-girlfriend is good reason to act like a nut with you.

 

If you're not going to leave, you'd better get a quick grip on yourself with how you're responding to this guy before it gets out of hand more than it already has. Next time, you tell him "I haven't cheated on you and don't plan to so end of discussion" and be on your way. He will try to draaaaaaag you back into his game but don't do it. Don't soothe him, don't say a word, don't fight or argue with him, just leave when it's time for you to go.

 

Men are men. I wouldn't soothe one of my guy friends. I should've treated my ex-boyfriend more like my friends. Men need you to be direct. They don't need to be babied, they don't need a second mother. The more direct you are with them, the quicker they understand you.

 

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with an insecure man with me. You are right I should be direct with him, that is the type of person that I am, direct.

 

I'm not the clingy, needy, controlling type and i've always been very independent.

 

I'm going to try and soothe his insecurites when I talk to him about his behaviour this weekend just this once.

 

I am not going to allow his insecurities to keep me from the the things that I want to do and i'll tell him straight out. I have been doing things here and there to show him me. Like hanging out at a friends house and having girls night out and stuff like that. I tell him " hey i'm going" and that is that!

[WorldIsYours]

He's not insecure. You're having an affair with your ex and he senses it. That's why he's so alert right now and you're trying to blame-shift.

[Kelemort]

I'm not going to give into his demands, I'm still going to be me, and I am going to tell him how I feel about his behavior. I'm thinking that maybe I can soothe his insecurties by telling him things like you have nothing to worry about, I really care about you, no one else matters to me and then take it from there.

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

Miss M, I get the impression that you still want to act like you're entirely single and independent despite being in a relationship, and that's just not going to work. You have to be willing to be a little flexible and willing to work to ensure that you're both happy. That kind of rigidity isn't going to work long-term. I don't mean to say you need to give up all of your independence, but you can't whisk away all of your boyfriend's thoughts/fears/concerns with, "Well, I'm going to do what I'm going to do and you're going to have to deal with it."

 

He is demonstrating some insecurities that need to be dealt with, but there are others (like you keeping lines of communication with an ex open) that I think are justified for him to feel insecure about, especially so soon into your relationship. How would you like it if you approached him and asked him to do something differently - say, spending more time with you and less away from work/extracurriculars - and he just responded with, "Well, this is just how I am and you're going to have to deal with it"? Likely not well.

 

I think your boyfriend may need some therapy in the near future to start trying to get a hold of his feelings. In the meantime, working on your rigidity could help.

[J200]

I dated a guy like that one. He would trip out over the most retarded things; like if we were in a parking lot he would say; "Why did you rest your eyes on that lowered car? Were you looking for guys?"

 

And he would get mad when we went to Starbucks and there were other guys there; he would accuse me of not "protecting" him by grabbing his arm and letting all the men know that I was taken. He expected me to protect him this way EVERYWHERE, even at the grocery store I was supposed to do this. Many times I forgot because I was busy shopping and he would get in a rage and say "Oh so shopping is more important than ME, your PARTNER?" and walk out of the car and not come back for hours.

 

Later on he ended up spitting in my face, spit chewed food in my face and choked me a few times as well as stole money from my account. In addition he was jealous of my dad and would harass me for hours about how I like to get it on with my Dad, just because I was on my Dad's side over a misunderstanding they have.

 

Guys like this are bad news.

[Miss M]

Personally I have very little patience with these kinds of issues, so I'm probably not the best to advice. But I guess it comes down to

 

a) the extent to which you think he'll want to/ is able to work with you on these issues, and

b) the extent to which you're willing to 'accept him as he is' should not be able to 'improve'.

 

Have you tried discussing this with him directly? If so, what was his reaction? Is he even recognising that this behaviour can be problematic and dangerous for your relationship?

 

I talked to my bf this weekend about his behaviour. I told him that I didn't think that the way he reacted to the whole not driving me situation was not cool. He said he agreed with me and that he was glad that we were talking about it so like that he could change.

 

I don't know though...

 

Earlier in the day before we talked he reacted again strangely because i was not responding to his texts. He though i was upset with him about something and kept begging me and pleading me to answer him, calling me and telling me how much he cares about me. He text me about 10 times within 10 minutes. The reason I did not text him back immediatley was because I was hanging with my sister at that moment. I felt very annoyed and also felt kinda bad for the guy.

[Miss M]

I'd take a break from this guy. Something is starting to sound 'off' here. I have a feeling history isn't exactly as being written. Regardless, your proactive transparency is being met with negativity, and that IMO is unhealthy for you. If he does indeed need help with his insecurities, he can see a therapist. That's not you

 

 

I think you're right carhill. He's displaying more and more unusual behavior and becaue of that I am starting to question the relationship, meanwhile he's becoming more and more attached.

[Miss M]

If you try to soothe his insecurities, you're only going to feed it. Will it get worse? It's going to get so much worse!

 

I talked to him this weekend and did not soothe his insecurities one bit, because I think i'm already feeling a little overwhelmed.

 

I'm not used to dealing w/ someone like this and I think I need someone who gives me strength and helps me be a better person, not someone who I always have to be worried about, because of their issues.

[Miss M]

I dated a guy like that one. He would trip out over the most retarded things; like if we were in a parking lot he would say; "Why did you rest your eyes on that lowered car? Were you looking for guys?"

 

And he would get mad when we went to Starbucks and there were other guys there; he would accuse me of not "protecting" him by grabbing his arm and letting all the men know that I was taken. He expected me to protect him this way EVERYWHERE, even at the grocery store I was supposed to do this. Many times I forgot because I was busy shopping and he would get in a rage and say "Oh so shopping is more important than ME, your PARTNER?" and walk out of the car and not come back for hours.

 

Later on he ended up spitting in my face, spit chewed food in my face and choked me a few times as well as stole money from my account. In addition he was jealous of my dad and would harass me for hours about how I like to get it on with my Dad, just because I was on my Dad's side over a misunderstanding they have.

 

Guys like this are bad news.

 

Did he dislay violence in the begining?

 

It's weird because, in the begining my bf told me that he wasn't the jealous type.

 

A couple of times he also told me that he would never lay a hand on me, which in my head I was thinking " I don't expect you to, why would you be saying that to me?"

[J200]

Did he dislay violence in the begining?

 

It's weird because, in the begining my bf told me that he wasn't the jealous type.

 

A couple of times he also told me that he would never lay a hand on me, which in my head I was thinking " I don't expect you to, why would you be saying that to me?"

 

Not way in the beginning but sorta/kinda in the beginning; I don't remember how many months we were together until he displayed it. I am dumb because I actually moved in with him (and paid all the bills) AFTER he already choked me and spit in my face once. There were tons of other red flags too but I chose to ignore them. I am sure my ex is worse than your current bf though; my ex was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic a few years after we broke up and institutionalized by his own family (he was starving himself and near death, thought people were after him etc).

[Miss M]

Miss M, I think soothing his insecurities is a bad idea. In my personal experience, I tried this with my ex of 6 years and all that did was make him 10 times worse! I learned my lesson the hard way but I didn't make that mistake with the man I've been with the past 4 years. I didn't do any soothing as he was insecure when we first got together. Eventually...they get over it.

 

I have to say though that you've only got 3 months invested in this relationship so really, you should just make a quick exit. It sounds like you want to fix this guy. The only person who can fix him is him. If I saw signs this strong of controlling behavior after 3 short months, I'd be out the door so fast.

 

If you try to soothe his insecurities, you're only going to feed it. Will it get worse? It's going to get so much worse!

 

I think you might be right, thank you!

[Miss M]

Not way in the beginning but sorta/kinda in the beginning; I don't remember how many months we were together until he displayed it. I am dumb because I actually moved in with him (and paid all the bills) AFTER he already choked me and spit in my face once. There were tons of other red flags too but I chose to ignore them. I am sure my ex is worse than your current bf though; my ex was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic a few years after we broke up and institutionalized by his own family (he was starving himself and near death, thought people were after him etc).

 

Woah, sorry you had to go through that. Yeah, I would not be able to take that from a guy, but even though my bf is not psyzophrenic he does seem to have issues and if he's acting this way after only 3 months, who knows how he will act after more time has passed and he falls for me even more. Makes me nervous, I guess that's my red flag.