Loveless marriage with little hope

[Office-Space]

So here's the short (maybe, ha!) of it:

 

.. I've been married for 9 years to my W which I married 3 months out of college at the age of 23. We had our first child at 25 and now that I'm 32, we have a 6 1/2 year old daughter and a 3 1/2 year old son whom is named after me. I love both of my children more than anything and spending time with them is the greatest joy I know. I would do anything for my children.

 

The unfortunate part of the story is that my wife and I married as virgins due to my religious beliefs and her repressed upbringing and I found out a little too late that our sex drives were basically polar opposites. Not only that, but our entire communication and affections styles are polar opposites. I grew up in an open, expressive environment; she from a closed, non-expressive environment.

 

Early in our marriage I was disappointed in our sex life, but not overtly so. 8 years later however I feel like I'm being tortured. We have virtually no sex, no affection, no communication beyond basic family logistics, etc. I really do keep on convincing myself to extend the olive branch and invite her into something deeper than our current relationship, but she always fails to take the bait. My W is a very private person with low self esteem and she does not trust anyone to accept her as she is. I wish she would let me love her, but she won't because she doesn't love herself.

 

I have tried everything I can think of - a letter, conversations, 1 failed attempt at marriage counseling (we both agree the counselor was in over her head). I've come to realize my wife is who she is. She's a private person,uncomfortable with intimacy and its associated vulnerability, unwanting of consistent sex. She has never been sexual and she will never be. If I'm honest with myself, what I truly desire is a different person than she is.

 

So I have a great grasp on the current situation, contributing factors, likely outcomes. My plan has been to wait until my kids are out of the house until I divorce and find my own happiness, but I don't know if I can keep my sanity for that long (15 more years). If it were not for my kids, I would leave my wife tomorrow. I am not willing to have an affair. I'm not a perfect person and I've inappropriately flirted before, but I'm not capable of full blown cheating. How can I keep my sanity and still do what is best for my kids?

[giotto]

why did you call your second child Office-Space? That's a bit cruel...

 

Jokes apart, I don't really see how you can sustain another 15 years of that. It's an awful long time. I would try counselling again. A good counsellor can make a big difference. I think you are giving up too soon. If that fails, then it would be time to leave.

 

You will get many people saying it's better to leave than having your kids living in a tense and unhappy atmosphere. That's true. What's the atmosphere in the household? Do you argue a lot, or get on ok? I understand you, because I'm one of those people staying for the children, regardless of what other people might think.

[Office-Space]

We get along okay most of the time. We're both good parents and we rarely argue in front of the kids - never any shouting matches or anything. She sometimes gives me the cold shoulder and avoids talking to me much for a few days, but that's about it.

 

She won't admit it but I don't think she loves me anymore. She used to call me at work but now she never does even though she only works part-time. She doesn't ask me about my day when I get home. She never compliments me or smiles at me. Not once in our 9 year marriage has she told me she loves me except saying it back to me when I say it. We do have fun together sometimes and talk about stuff like American Idol or the kids or whatever. We have a comfortable life in a nice home by a park with other nice families around us and a nice school for our kids. Divorce would mean selling the house, both of us adjusting to a lower living standard, and me seeing my kids only part of the time. I really don't know what effect divorce would have on my kids but I fear the worst - they're both shy, sensitive, and cling to us. I'm not willing to put them through all of that so I'm planning to stick with it as long as I can.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Office-Space

[Canuck1979]

On one hand, you don't want to live another 15 years like this, on the other, it doesn't sound like you have a plan in place.

 

You need to see a marriage counselor asap!!!! You need to talk to your wife and say that you've been fantisizing/thinking/dreaming (whatever word you want to use) about divorce. Maybe that will force her to open up.

 

Unless your wife is willing to look the other way if you decide to engage in sexual activities with others, you'll either have to leave her, stay put, or sneak around. Your best bet would be to be honest to yourself and to her.

 

Maybe you can try some individual counselling for now....

[giotto]

you really need to find another counsellor. You two need to talk and you need to know what's going on, at least you will have closure if things take a turn for the worst. There's nothing worse that not knowing what's going on... I don't think she knows how upset you are about it...

 

We get along okay most of the time. We're both good parents and we rarely argue in front of the kids - never any shouting matches or anything. She sometimes gives me the cold shoulder and avoids talking to me much for a few days, but that's about it.

 

She won't admit it but I don't think she loves me anymore. She used to call me at work but now she never does even though she only works part-time. She doesn't ask me about my day when I get home. She never compliments me or smiles at me. Not once in our 9 year marriage has she told me she loves me except saying it back to me when I say it. We do have fun together sometimes and talk about stuff like American Idol or the kids or whatever. We have a comfortable life in a nice home by a park with other nice families around us and a nice school for our kids. Divorce would mean selling the house, both of us adjusting to a lower living standard, and me seeing my kids only part of the time. I really don't know what effect divorce would have on my kids but I fear the worst - they're both shy, sensitive, and cling to us. I'm not willing to put them through all of that so I'm planning to stick with it as long as I can.

[Baroness67]

It sounds to me like you and your wife just got married way too early. You didn't know each other well enough, how can you know who you are at 23? And boom, you have kids and there you are.

 

I think you sound like an amazing guy, actually, you want to do the right thing. If you still appreciate your wife and life, I agree with others, I think there is stuff to be tapped. In counseling your wife might turn into a different person. It's so easy to get caught up in the kids stuff and she might even be depressed ... you might be, too.

 

My basic feeling is that you could both realize you are so asleep in terms of functioning with the young kids that you could benefit from counseling and wake up. You might need to wake your wife up in this situation and tell her you are not thrilled and that you have considered leaving the marriage or something. It sounds like she needs a wake up buzzer.

 

I wish I'd had my husband give me one before he just wandered off and I had to find out he was so unhappy and bored.

 

Also, if you express your unhappiness, don't let yourself get thrown out of the house or anything. I give this advice to anyone wanting to maintain contact with their kids. Insist she go to counseling or work your differences out through talking ... but if she's somehow freezing you out intentionally (probably not likely but you never know) and you leave - you are being manipulated.

 

That said, I'm sorry. I have been in your position. The worst thing is when you had a partner and friend who cared about you, whom you thought was in it with you, and then you realize that partner has formed other allegiances. It is earth-moving. I am kind of amazed in a way that I am here today to almost listen to myself, outside of myself, speak about it so objectively. I wouldn't have believed it possible 2 years ago.

 

Anyway, I have come to believe that my husband's issues stemmed right from his feeling like he was in a life situation just like yours. You both felt the same. He felt trapped. I had no idea. His "trapped" was my "secure." It is SUCH a difference from the male and female perspectives.

 

So my advice is ... shake her world up a little bit. If you have to invent someone at work that you've been attracted to, I would. It's better than having an affair and will give her a reason to perk her head up.

 

Just my personal thoughts about something I imagine might have given me a heads up, if I'd been lucky enough, instead of what actually happened.

[Office-Space]

You might need to wake your wife up in this situation and tell her you are not thrilled and that you have considered leaving the marriage or something. It sounds like she needs a wake up buzzer.

 

I did finally tell that to my wife in our 4th counseling session because she was pouting that I didn't want to have a 3rd baby. She said she didn't feel like she was done having kids and she wanted to have all her kids before she turned 35 since she thought it was a little dangerous to have kids after that. I finally said, "W, it's ridiculous to want more kids when we're in marriage counseling for a bad relationship and I'm thinking about divorce!" That quieted her down, but I know she still wants another baby.

 

She was devastated and said I said in marriage vows that I would never leave her to which I said "and you promised you'd have and hold me". She just shut down and wouldn't talk much more in counseling. She waited until we were leaving and then attacked me with a guilt trip. "The kids will be devastated. If you're going to leave me, just do it already. I can't believe you'd do this. What do you just want to be single again? Is that it?" Life around our house was hell for a week. Cold shoulder, tears, and avoiding each other.

 

I said I would wait a year and we could both commit ourselves to improving the marriage and I'd reassess after the year before I thought about divorce anymore. She didn't like that I was giving her an ultimatum and a few days later said she couldn't live like that, not being able to make long-term plans without knowing whether or not I'd be around. She's really good at making me feel like an awful person for wanting her to change. And she even admitted during counseling that she should have been a lawyer because she's good at getting her way. I'm a peace keeper that hates conflict, so usually she wins arguments and my resentment just grows. I've told her this too though.

[Irishlove]

I don't think you need a counselor. You need to sit her down and explain what you just told us. You said your religious beliefs, well...in that case you can open the bible and show her that part of her duties is to lay down with her husband. You need to tell her you have needs and you want them to be with her. She's been married long enough that her shyness should be over with when it comes to you.

 

Ask her if she would be comfortable getting books from the library? I think she's gone so long she forgot what she's missing. Make it good so she wants more. But you HAVE to tell her. Does she want you to go somewhere else? Is she over the marriage too? Is she too busy with the kids? Are you helping her around the house.

 

The biggest turn on to me when my kids were little was when he would come home, tell me to go take a hot bath and not worry about the kids. Have the kids fed and in bed. Vacum the house, do the dishes, do some laundry (all that is foreplay to a busy mom by the way) mop or sweep. She may be so grateful she might have the energy to have some sex!

[worldover98]

Hi OfficeSpace:

 

Man, my situation is not far different from yours, with 2 kids and sex maybe, maybe 3 times a year. Except that my wife is not depressed, just simply not into sex or intimacy after kid #2(five years ago) and we've been married for 10 years.

 

But in your case, your wife seems to be clinically depressed. If she is not into counseling, what about her parents or a close relative on her side to have a round table talk. That could then lead her to realize from a neutral point of view that she needs help. The curling up in shyness cannot be an excuse for not trying to resolve your marriage. However, never tell her what your intentions are. That's like a veiled threat in a way which only creates more tension and uncertainty.

 

I have had a few flings, nothing consistent (8 months without sex!), but I am incapable of prolonging an affair, like you. I'm dedicated to my kids like you too and want them to have a home with both parents. Even though my wife is fairly content with this sexless arrangement, it's driving me mad, not her!

 

My only other solution in the near future will be to discuss an "open" marriage, whereby if she feels incapable of an intimate relationship with me, then she must allow me to fulfill my needs elsewhere, same as you perhaps. We still have love and respect for each other, and get along fairly well. But this could be a game changer if and when I bring up the "open marriage" issue. Firstly, i want to experience more of our new marriage counseling sessions. Perhaps they may offer new ideas. But you all do need to have some counseling for sure, perhaps separate sessions with the same professional, so your wife won't feel threaten or embarrassed bringing up other things she's dealing with.

 

Good Luck, man

Edited April 18, 2011 by worldover98