So confused and dont know what to do.

[kas0615]

Hi. My name is Kirsten and im new here. I've been married for 2 yrs and have been in with my husband for 7 years. He is 25 and I am 22. We have two daughters ages 4 and 2. The reason I am posting a message here is because I am so confused right now and I dont know what to do. Heres the situation. My husband and I like i said before have been together for 7 yrs. Thats been 7 yrs off and on with all the times that he would break up with me and come back. Yes i know i shouldnt have accepted him back time after time but i was young and in love. Well we have finally been back together for good for 3 yrs now and things were going great for a while.

 

He joined the military and then deployed one month after he got out of his training. He was deployed for 3 months and then came home due to injury. Well for a while things were going good and then they just started going down the drain. Our life is the same thing day to day. He goes to work at 5am and doesnt have to be there till 6am gets off at 6pm comes home eats dinner and is in bed by 7pm. Then on his days off he sleeps all day to catch up on the sleep he was missing those days he worked. Yes i understand he works a lot and needs the sleep but he never wants to do anything with us as a family. He wont go with myself to take the girls to the park that is right in our BACKYARD.

 

If i ask him to watch the girls while i go to the store or something he wont. He doesnt want to watch his own kids,he never helps with them as far as bathing them or helping dress them or change diapers. He doesnt help with anything around the house to be honest. He feels as he is bringing in the money and putting the food on the table so he shouldnt have to do anything. But Im sorry thats not how i was raised and thats not how i want my kids raised either. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him, i mean dont get me wrong i love him but im just not feeling like im in love with him anymore. He just isnt the man he was back 7 or even 3 yrs ago. He doesnt ever want to be affectionate or intimate. Its like i have to ask hey can i have a hug or a kiss or hey can we make love tonight. Im lucky if i have an intimate moment with him once a week.

 

There are other problems that we have just besides those. He doesnt acknowledge me. He never does anythign sweet you know like just calling from work to say I love you or even leaving a note or actually buying flowers. I have to ask him hey it would be nice if you could buy me some flowers you know but of course even that doesnt work. I cant see myself without my husband but i cant see myself staying miserable and unhappy. I have tried talking to him but he wont talk and when he does he gets all mad and says that we dont have any problems that our marriage is great. Well Im sorry to say but if he believes that then he is living a lie. Ive asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. I asked him if i hand him divorce papers woudl he try counseling then and he said no he would just sign them and be done with it. Im sorry but to me that seems like he just doesnt want to work on saving our marriage and ive told him that. He says that i wont divorce him because i will have no where to go and no job or anything and that he would get the kids b.c he has a stable income and work history.

 

Yes i have been a stay at home mom for 3 yrs now but thats something that we both talked about and agreed on. I have tried applying for jobs and nothing. But it would be hard for me to work and save money at the same time when i would be paying for daycare and having to pay for another vehicle and whatever other bills may come along. I just dont know what to do. Ive got an appointment set up next week for myself to go to counseling but in order for my problems to be worked out he needs to help and thats not going to happen.

 

What do i do? I dont know what to do anymore. Im just so ready to run away from it all I cant keep staying in a relationship where only one person is willing to work on it. Im not looking for legal advice because I know its not allowed on the site but I am just looking for others advice and opinions. He is the only man I have ever been with and loved and im scared to go out there and never love again. Im scared of alot of things and i just dont know what to do anymore. Please any advice would be helpful. Thank you all so much for listening to me rambling on. Im sorry this is so long.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi Kas,

 

This would be a difficult situation to endure and my heart goes out to you.

 

Sometimes people in a marriage/relationship become complacent and don't realize that their spouse/lover has issues within the relationship. The sad thing is, many (not all) people won't put any effot into restoring the relationship, until it's too late.

 

I am sure your husbands job is extremely demanding and he is tired, BUT, that is NO excuse not to work on his relationship with you. Especially since you've tried to communicate these issues to him. What really is quite disturbing is the fact that you mentioned to him what he would do if you handed him divorce papers and he replied, " I would sign them."

 

What kind of love and respect is in your relationship if he isn't even willing to communicate and work on issues you've expressed? Sometimes people have to lose someone or something to realize the value it had in their life. I hope your husband doesn't have to travel this path, it's not a pleasant one.

 

You've already addressed the issues that bothered you, suggested counceling, and at least made an effort on your part. Now it is left up to him to meet you half way, since a relationship takes two.

 

If you have support from family, maybe you could stay with them until you get on your feet (independantly/financially). Maybe that will open his eyes that you're not going to wait around for him until he decides what's important in his life (you and the kids).

[kas0615]

Thank you for replying. Yes it is a very difficult situation and sometimes I wonder if its really worth it. I hate to say that but its true. As far as someone having to lose someone to realize the value they had in their life i know that story all too well. In the 7 years we have been together he has left me at least four times that i can remember. and then everytime he would come back and say that he was wrong for realizing me and realized what he had at home now if he could only realize it forever. As far as me having a supportive family yes that I do but since he is stationed here in Kansas its kind of like inevitable you could say because all of my family lives in Florida.I dont want to take his kids that far away and I dont want to settle down in Florida. My heart is so torn because part of is ready to move on and leave because I dont want to hurt anymore but part of me is scared and doesnt want to leave him and tell myself all the time that I cant do it I cant hurt him even though he has hurt me.I just dont know what to do anymore I really dont. I cnat hurt him even thought im tired of hurting.

[sportsloving]

Hey Kas... I am really sorry about all you are going through.

 

I live in Kansas also, so if you need some ideas on who to call to help you get out on your own (set you up in apartment and such) PM me and i will do my best.

 

You are taking the steps to help your relationship, unfortunately you can not do it alone. Perhaps you could sit your husband down one last time and say "Hey, I am really thinking of leaving you". I don't know, but I sure do wish you and your children the best~ and if you need some ideas, PM me.