Could my New Husband Be Cheating

[Sue]

Hello all. I've posted on here a short while ago. I just got married last month and already I feel like it may have been a mistake.

 

My husband has been acting really different for the last few months and it is upsetting me quite a bit. Such as today (one of many). We had money over the weekend and yesterday he asks me for the rest of my lunch money to put gas in the car. I asked where the money went and he blows up on me saying that he spends all of his money on us (me and our 16mth old son) and I still ask him stupid questions like that. In the last 3 days, I received a very small amount of money from him ($10.00). Should I not ask? Here are sum signs:

 

1) he goes out to buy sumthing in the morning (10 a.m.) on weekends and sometimes comes home at 11 p.m (NIGHT) and says he got caught up running errands for his mom or hanging out with his so-called best friend.

 

2) it seems as though our pockets have a hole and money is just disappearing.

 

3) when i asked about the money or where he has been, he gets annoyed and starts acting like I'm harassing him or being silly when I try to go about it in the most subtle and pleasant way possible.

 

4) he has lost a lot of love/respect for me and treats me like a woman who just lives with him that has no family so he's just taking care of me.

 

5) has said in the past that if i don't stop crying , that I will cause him to lose his feelings for me and said that I am too soft. (What the hell? I cry because of the way he acts around me and the baby) He also said that I will learn to toughen up when he's not here anymore. (Could he mean here as in alive, or with sum1 else?)

 

6) he spanks the baby really hard for him to stop crying or so he says, "being rude"! Then he grabs the keys and says he's coming back later. Where the hell is he going?

 

I don't know what to do or where to turn. Everyone thinks he's the most loveable person in the world but have no clue what I go through at home. I know we are both young and working tremendously hard for our age. Could stress be the cause of this? What should i do? I've tried talking to him but he always holds his head like I'm bothering him. I don't know what to do.

[Pyrannaste]

He might indeed be cheating with either an escort or a mistress trying to suck him all his money,

but it looks more like gambling to me.

 

Your husband is being abusive, and an a**h***.

You are not harassing him, you both work, you have every right to know what is happening to your money-that money belongs to both of you!!!!!

He is acting very defensive, and stupid, and insensitive. He's threatening to leave you, there is a risk he might end up hurting your baby, and the 'stop crying'thing is pure blackmail!!!You have not only any right in the world to cry/be upset, but also every right in the world to know what the hell he is doing with money and all the time he spends out of home.

If you hadn't just got married I'd suggest you leave the relationship, and get rid of such a jerk. Is there anything you can do legally to protect yourself, your baby, your money, and get to know what is going on?

Stress is no excuse for such a creepy behaviour.

I wish you the best of luck.

[miz_barby]

ever thought he has a drug problem? could this be possible? Money disappearing, him changing, disappearing for hours.....it doesn't sound like he's cheating as much as it sounds like he has a hidden problem....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hard to say exactly what it is your husband is hiding, but from what you described, there is definitely something going on. It could be someone else, but I'm more inclined to think it may be a chemical addiction. If you have hundreds of dollars disappearing, than it might be gambling.

 

You, better than anyone else, would notice a difference in mood swings, temperament or physical posture during the times when you husband comes home after one of his disappearing acts. Drug and alcohol use is quite apparent, with the acceptation of heroine, where people can function quite normally until they begin to withdrawal.

 

Consider whether he has a history of drinking or recreational drug use. Often, what we mistake as harmless behavior in the beginning, can escalate into full-blown physical dependency. This might also explain your husband's despondence, irrational behavior, and recent mood swings.

 

Meanwhile, you might want to consider separating your financial assets. Get your own checking account and credit cards if you don’t already have them. This way you will have more control over your own income should the situation spiral out of control. He might get mad…but tough! If he can’t account for how your hard earned money is spent, than he should forfeit his right to control your portion of it.

 

Lastly, don’t allow him to browbeat and insult you into ambivalence. Keep asking, and if he doesn’t answer your questions, then start inquiring with his family and friends. Check his pockets, his vehicle, his wallet for anything that might look like paraphernalia, or strange phone numbers that he might have kept. While others may defend one’s right to privacy, this is one situation where anyone familiar with drug addiction will tell you that ‘snooping’ is absolutely advocated. If he is using, it may not only save your marriage…but your husband’s very life.

[Pookette]

Well, don't wait until your baby is seriously harmed to leave him. Take the initiative and do it yourself. That's no life for a child to have. Their early years are the most formative.

[Fedup&givingup]

This is NOT good. He's either cheating or could be a drug user. I do NOT like the mood and abuse he's taking on your baby. I can't believe he would spank a 16 month old child! That is really sick.

 

I know you are hurting, but you NEED to start talking to family about this and start building a support system. He sounds on edge, and the fact that he's spanking a baby really would have me concerned.

 

Keep on posting.

[FolderWife]

From the sound of it, you'd have more money if you left him. What kind of newly-wed leaves all day on the weekend without his wife anyway?

[nikkilove]

Trust your instincts.

 

Cheating, gambling, drugs, whatever he's up to........fromt the way you describe it........sounds like he's up to no good. Get your financial/emotional stuff in order be prepared to leave and/or kick him out if this is something you don't (and shouldn't) want to live with. Protect your little one and yourself. Good luck

[figuringitout]

Sue -

 

I am sorry to hear that you are being treated so poorly. I can't say that it seems like an affair specifically. I can say that it is not healthy. He may be out with the boys having fun. He may have just realized that he made a commitment to you for life and now he's freaking out inside.

 

The bigger picture is that YOU JUST GOT MARRIED! Your situation sounds like that of a slave or POW, not a new bride. Anyone who could treat his or her spouse with such disrespect is a problem. Was he like this before the wedding? I find it hard to believe that he was a teddy bear until the wedding. If he was, something has snapped in his head. Any signs of this prior to the wedding?

 

I have a very good friend that married a guy that treated her as you describe your treatment. She suffered quietly for 12 years with 3 kids. She moved out last year. I haven't seen her be so happy since before the wedding. She regrets every day that she allowed herself to be controlled and mentally abused.

 

As a father of 3 young children, I have to tell you that I am disturbed by his spanking a 16-month baby (I don't spank my kids, so maybe I am biased). At that age, the child is incapable of understanding the meaning of spanking. The child just sees it as a violent and scary.

 

Please think hard about your situation. Don't let yourself continue to be treated this way. And, don't settle for an "I'm sorry" with a slightly dialed back version of the same for years and years. Have respect for yourself and expect it from him.

 

Above all, be careful. Anyone who would spank a kid that young may not think twice about hitting a spouse.

 

FiO

[Velveteel]

No responsible parent spanks a sixteen month old to make him stop crying! Speak to your pediatrician immediately and get some parenting resources. A child who can't talk yet has very few ways to communicate his needs: crying is one of them, and it sometimes doesn't indicate anything more than fatigue or confusion. Crying is an important release of emotion for your baby! You (and your husband) need to be able to care for your child without punishing him for crying. Look for a book called The Aware Baby. It's goofy in some ways, but is very, very good on the benefits of crying.

 

In general, I have to agree with those who've already responded to this post. Your husband sounds mean, childish, abusive, and possibly drug- or gambling-addicted. In fact, he sounds awful. I agree you should snoop a little, and possibly hire a detective. I also think you should document his abusive behavior--not on a notepad in the kitchen drawer! but very secretively--since you may need this information if you separate or divorce, or if you ever need to limit his access to your child.

 

So sorry you're going through this.

[Sue]

I agree with everything everyone said so far. Truth be told, he does smoke marijuana and it has seemed to become an addiction. I have as well but never let it consume me and never did it around the baby.

 

At work he smokes, driving he smokes and at home he smokes. I am tired of this person he has become. Could it be that he's leaving us at home to go and smoke??? That sounds very stupid but it may be what is happening. Could he be having an affair with Mary Juana? I don't know how to approach him and tell him to get help. I always suspected a woman or at least older teenage girl but never realized that this could be my main problem.

 

It has gotten harder especially because his sister and brother-in-law (that moved next door ) are chain pot smokers and his br-in-law sells so it's always in abundance around there. I feel like I just ruined my life and hate myself for it. I love him so much but at times I don't love who he has b-come. He tells me he loves me daily but still acts like I'm a burden on him.

 

I would like to take action and put my foot down but don't know where to turn. If I leave him, I will have no place to go and If I stay, I will go crazy. How do I get the man that I met back? I want a normal life. I want a normal happy, rich and fulfilling life with him and am willing to do anything to get that. Except I don't know how to get there. We go to church ocassionally( every other Sun.) and I have found that he even used the baby, saying that he was misbehaving too much and that he was going to take him to his grandma (during church service) only to come back for 20 mins. after it was over with bloodshot red eyes. This is ridiculous now and sumthing has to be done. The commercials are right. (The effects of marijuana, "they're greater than we all think")

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sue, what are the chances your husband might be purchasing large quantities and also 'selling,'. . . particularly now that the brother-in-law has moved next door?

[Sue]

I dunno. Chances may not be that little. I have heard him say many times before that he had some "business" to do...(whatever that meant) and I asked him the same question 'what does that mean?', "You'll see" he goes. Then comes home sometimes with $50 - $100 saying that it was a loan from one of his buddies. I don't think that he will be begging ppl for money that often and we both work.

 

I dunno..i am just so tired and confused i don't know what else to say.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Sue

I dunno. Chances may not be that little. I have heard him say many times before that he had some "business" to do...(whatever that meant) and I asked him the same question 'what does that mean?', "You'll see" he goes. Then comes home sometimes with $50 - $100 saying that it was a loan from one of his buddies. I don't think that he will be begging ppl for money that often and we both work.

 

I dunno..i am just so tired and confused i don't know what else to say.

 

Sounds like drugs/doper to me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do you have family that you can stay with for awhile?

 

I know you're scared. . .I've been there, too. But until you can get to the bottom of this and get him some help, you may be in more jeopardy than you think.

 

I don't know what the laws are regarding marijuana where you are from, or how serious they are about enforcing them. But if it's considered an illegal substance in the Bahamas, and you neighbors get busted, chances are, so will your husband. Here, in the states, if an illegal substance is found in your home, it doesn't matter "who" it belongs to...you can lose your house AND the child protection agencies will take custody of your child.

 

Please, please be careful. Your child FIRST...Self preservation second, and then, and ONLY then, consider what options you have if you still want to help your husband.

 

If you can't get out, then perhaps you can confide in a relative and perhaps they will keep your baby for awhile. Maybe that will be the wake-up call your husband needs??

[Sue]

DEU (DEA) ppl have been to his br-in-laws a few times already searching and stuff and don't want that kinda thing happening to us. In the Bahamas, it is illegal as well but a huge amount of young ppl do it.

 

Unfortunately none of my family would help me right. They would only make me feel worse by telling me that I was too young to begin with and that i should've stayed at home. My mom knows about this but not as big as it has gotten these days. The problem is that she lives on another island and I rarely get a chance to speak to her.

 

I mainly want my child to grow up in a stress free, happy home. I don't want this for him. I think a big problem too is that we have totally different upbringing. Is it safe to ask opinions on whether or not white ppl and black pple are different mentally? My grandmother grew up with an all white family (German/American) and I was raised by her. I feel as though I as always different in that aspect and he was raised by pure Bahamian parents. Our parenting styles are proving to be very different in terms of scheduling, spanking etc. In the Bahamas, if you don't spank your kids, you are "ruining their lives and making them turn into "American" kids. This I believe is abuse and have seen ppl lay children across tables and use a taped stick to bat them on their behinds and wherever else they may hit. i don't like it and think that you beat mules. With this being said, the habitual use of drugs definitley don't help the situation and I am thinking really hard of my plan of action.

 

Thank you guys so much for your support. I would love any other suggestions or comments. I feel so much stronger than I did a couple of minute ago.

[pinklove]

 

 

 

 

 

You deserve better. Your 16 month old baby is not a door mat first and foremost. He can't just spank ur child well his child too like that and get away with it. the baby do not have anything to do with his callous and selfish behavior. Girl, yes he is cheating all the signs are there. I have went through a similar experience. (I was pregnant though.) Had my baby would have been here then, he wouldn't have dared even thought about raising a hand to her and hitting her because he knew the kind of person I was and he knew someone would have been coming to pick his remains up off of the floor. But anyway, the two of u deserve better, it seems as though he thinks u are a pain in the butt, you can't even seem to communicate with him or get through to him. My advice to u is see if he's going to straighten his act up and give him a time limit. If he doesn't change within that time frame then it's time to stop fooling urself and move on. Because noone on this earth has to put up with the behavior of a no-good two timing spouse if I were u I would have been gone because a man like him isn't worth my time or worth me period. I know u are better than that, so find someone who will appreciate u and ur son and not spank ur child because he wants to get out there and do his own thing and find someone to take it out on.

[figuringitout]

The potential humiliation or embarrassment that your family will try to make you feel is meaningless (and temporary) compared to the bomb that you are playing with.

 

Plan ahead. Leave. Get to a safe place and then work through your concerns with him while living in that place. As long as you are there, he is in control and you will get more of the same.