lovelost93 Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Ok...so, here's the story: married 17 yrs, we have a 5 yr old daughter, been separated for 10 weeks, 4 weeks ago she said she wanted a divorce, 2 weeks ago I finally told her (and do) accept the situation for what it is. Well, when she told me she wanted a divorce, she had a "gameplan" that she wanted to follow - and it goes like this, in order: get the house ready to sell, put it on the market, mediate, divorce. That was a month ago and she has done a total of straightening up the garage (along with sweeping the floor), straightening up the mud room (room in between the garage and house - very small room), and started painting the bedroom doors. (we bought the pre-primed doors that are white, but, need to be properly painted) Considering she said it took her 2 hours to paint the 2 doors she did (we have 10 more left), I'd say she's done about 4 hours total of "getting the house ready" - in 4 weeks. I have been LC (because of our daugther) for the last 2 weeks...except when she wanted to talk about how we should change the living arrangements with my daughter. Right now, I've got her two days during the week, then that weekend, the next week I'll have her 3 days. She said it's not fair to our daughter that she has to sleep on an air mattress in my bedroom (at my brother's house) and that I should let her sleep in the bed with me (it's a twin sized bed - I'm 6' tall) or let her sleep in the bed and me on the couch. It's easy to say from someone that is living in our 4 bedroom house with 2 queen sized beds and 2 twin sized beds. Well, that was last Saturday...we agreed we'd come to some resolution...still haven't discussed it. Which is part of the problem...she's not talking to me at all...I know I've been LC...but, it's kind of getting old. I can't "move on" without her selling the house...I'm not going to live in an apartment, and can't get a new loan with that house still being on my credit. She couldn't get a loan for that house on her own income and doesn't want to remain living there. So, my question is this...why is it that it's been 4 weeks since she pronounced her grand plan and has done VERY little about it? I wonder if it's because she has a little hope, or she's very confused...or, that she just doesn't want to deal with it right now. Meanwhile, I'm "stuck in limbo"...what gives? By the way, I do want to reconcile, have been going to IC for 9 weeks, (total of 14 sessions) but, am having a hard time staying in the current situation I'm in. (I have a small bedroom at my brother's house, not much else to "hang my hat on") She has said that she feels like I've been trying to manipulate her into reconciling by giving her books, attending marriage counseling (which she went to 2 IC and 2 MC - the 2nd MC she told me she wanted a divorce. The Counselor was horrible, I've since changed and am much happier with the one I have now) Thanks all... Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Why did you move out? Have you considered moving back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelost93 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 Why did you move out? Have you considered moving back? I moved out because of the "initial shock" or her saying she wanted to separate and was happier when I was not around and that she just needed some space and time to figure things out. Looking back, I don't think I should've ever moved out. I have thought about moving back in, yes...but, she said she'd move out if I did...which means I'd have the whole house payment and bills to pay with my money only. I could do it...but, I'd barely be scraping by. thanks for your response. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 If you can afford to move back in, even if just barely scraping by I would seriously consider doing it. It sounds like your wife has it pretty cushy right now, she has a 4 bedroom house and is dragging her heals getting it on the market because she can, basically. She thinks there is little chance you would move back in and why should she rush? She has it great right now, she's not the one staying at relatives! Besides that, it is up to the judge how the assets get divided, NOT your wife, so whilst she might want to sell the house etc, that might not be her decision! Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? See a lawyer, find out your rights and figure your options from there. In the meantime stay NC with your wife, any contact, other than about your child is only going to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelost93 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 If you can afford to move back in, even if just barely scraping by I would seriously consider doing it. It sounds like your wife has it pretty cushy right now, she has a 4 bedroom house and is dragging her heals getting it on the market because she can, basically. She thinks there is little chance you would move back in and why should she rush? She has it great right now, she's not the one staying at relatives! Besides that, it is up to the judge how the assets get divided, NOT your wife, so whilst she might want to sell the house etc, that might not be her decision! Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? See a lawyer, find out your rights and figure your options from there. In the meantime stay NC with your wife, any contact, other than about your child is only going to hurt you. Thanks for the response. Well, I went over to the house on Saturday to drop my daughter off. We sat there for 2 1/2 hours and talked about everything. She told me she had went to 3 different lawyers last week. It took 3 lawyers because she wanted to work with one that equally had our interests in the divorce. I believe her and can appreciate that. She's not out to screw me, she just isn't happy with me anymore. She said she was looking into "buying me out" of the house, which I'm ok with...it means I can actually move on (and out of my brothers house) and start my new life...and buy my own house. So, Saturday although I was still a little depressed, I accepted this and mentally "moved on". Sunday I sent a text stating what it would take to "buy me out" (a dollar figure) and she replied with "ok". So, yesterday I went out looking at a few open houses in the area and was genuinely excited about it. When I called to talk to my daughter last night, I also spoke with her about it all...I asked about what/when she was going to get the house out of my name and she said "I'm not sure if that's what I'm going to do". I said "I need you to do this in order for me to move on". She said "Oh, so since you're now ready to move on I have to make a rash decision about buying the house?" My reply "Hmmmm, that sounds awful familiar...you've told me that since you're ready to move on, I should be too". I'm not sure she liked that...but, it definitely hit home. So, we talked some more about all of that...she said I was being a prick, I told her I was done, that's it, it's over, I don't care anymore, etc....but, then it turned into a much softer discussion about why/how we got to where we are. I told her a big part of our issues was that we dont have enough "happy, fun times" together. We don't go on dates. She said the last time and possibly only time that she remembers was a trip her and I took by ourselves in '97. So, lastnight I brought up alot of recent trips we've been on, things we've done that we had fun on...and she said "yeah, we had to go on vacation to have fun". I replied with "because that's the only time we did things together...and if we just try to take ourselves out of this stressful situation and do something fun...where we aren't talking about all of this, we might have fun together again, and truely work on this". I can tell when she's actually listening (because she's quiet and not argumentative) and she was lastnight. I believe that she thinks everything that I do is a way to "get back in the house and get back together", I told her that wasn't my plan...that I wanted to stay separated, work on this and date. At the end of the date, I go back with my brother, she goes back home... I truely believe that this is a case of her facing her own mortality, decided that she was not going to live another day being unhappy and thinks that there is NO WAY things would change if we reconciled. I strongly disagree with that and have realized the "error of my ways" through counseling, reading books, soul searching, etc....and she just hasn't given me the opportunity to show her that. I'm somewhat hopeful that she will at this point...the perfect time for a "family get together" is this Sunday on Easter...even if it's just for lunch, away from the stress that has been our everyday life for 10 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelost93 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Also, I asked why she hadn't done much with getting the house ready to sell...she stated that she was overwhelmed and doing what she could. I believe that because she does get up very early and is tired during the week...but, since she told me that I had a sense of false hope thinking that she wasn't doing it because she was confused. I may be niave or whatever but, yesterdays conversation with her both the first part (I'm done) and second (we can work this out) were a good thing for me. The first because I finally realize that I can move on without her and two, because she realizes that I can move on...but, don't want to. Like Michelle Pfeiffer says at the end of the movie "The Story of Us"... "history doesn't happen overnight, and we have history...I don't want to build a new city, I like this city...I want to go to Chow Funs because I love you". Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) I kinda relate. I'm damn sick and tired. And truthfully, I am feeling the symptoms of giving up. You showed her a touch of that yourself in your willingness to buy her out, move on, and get your own place. Dude, she started squirming. It's like, she's got a dose of her own medicine, and she's picturing it in her head for the first time, "OMG, I might lose something I value!" Michelle is exactly right. History takes a history to create. Regarding matters of housing, I would spin it like this. In these tough economic times, would a lender qualify you for a mortgage on a second house if you are already tied up in a mortgage with a second "unrelated" person? And why would you want to be roped into an x's debt when you are divorced? You can explain it to her with a half dozen or more confusing questions like that. [Now the above is my personal strategy.....When in doubt, question, question, question, ad nausam. The trick is you have to really authentically desire to know what something means, and frame questions accordingly. How, what, when, where, why, etc. Also, interspurse discussion with compound sentences that contain follow-up question constructions with as many words or phrases like these: so, it, that is, if so, maybe, shall, can, should, would, could, might, may, is it possible, do you think, have you considered, did we factor in, therefore, somehow, somewhere, herein, the aformentioned, might we conclude, do you agree, would it be fair to assume, etc. When you pose the number of questions I'm talking about, you are bound to get answers. In fact, lack of response to certain questions can tell you the person doesn't really want to focus on answering that particular question (that, in and of itself, maybe very inlightening). This is also a great way to weave a purposeful, complicated web to catch a liar -- it is like too much fun watching thief eyes roll around like pinball machine trying to handle my rapid fire questioning strategy. Sorry, I got carried away. I've neven written this down before -- so I hope you do not mind, but I need to save it here, as I only have an iPhone. Maybe I helped you in some way to make up for going on and on regarding this topic.] Dude, look up all my praise on Homer McDonald. I'm too tired to retype it tonight. You can follow the trail. It's his kind of advice you now need. I am turning into a human commercial for Homer. Hope this helps. Y PS "Giving Up" is actually a strategy suggested by Homer. You sorta did that when you resigned to the idea of a buy out. And no, I'm not a troll. Edited April 18, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
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