happiness0421 Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I dated a man for about 4 months (I'm 23; he is 26). We immediately had a connection and chemistry; we had 4 amazing months & moved the relationship along very fast. One day, I was feeling a bit under the weather/moody and I expressed my concern that maybe we were moving a bit fast. He immediately freaked out, and instead of talking to me, he ignored me for almost a week and then broke up with me over a text message and unfriended me on Facebook, telling me that he 'couldn't trust me to not hurt him' (his last relationship [4 years long] ended with his ex cheating on him with HER ex.) He kept coming back around every 2-3 days, saying how much he missed me and he was so scared I would hurt him that he ruined the best thing he ever had. He told me that he thought I was 'The One', and that he freaked out and ran at the first sign of doubt. I was always very kind, open and compassionate with him, but he just kept pushing me away, to the point of lying to me and telling me that he showed up to meet me and talk to me when he most definitely was not at our meeting place. He obviously has been burned in the past, as well as came from abusive family (dad was abusive & he was estranged from him for 15+ years). But he cut me off and hurt me, the person that he thought he would spend the rest of his life with. Has anyone ever been through this? Done this, but not to deliberately hurt the person? I am trying to move on, but I feel so utterly defeated. Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Excuses and lies. Be glad your not with him anymore. He sounds like an extremely selfish person regardless of what his past was. Be glad you saw this side of him sooner..................than later. Move on, you are not defeated. However, if you still trap yourself in the past, you won't be able move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
nana841121 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 He didn't work through his own secure and trust issue Give him some time to pull himself together Let him grow Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Yep, I'm going through something like that now. The backgrounds sound pretty similar between our exes, and I dont agree that its "excuses and lies." There are people that really do have serious trust issues and need to hurt you before you have the chance to hurt them. I know I'm not following my own advice, but it would be best if you could move on. I know it sucks, but it'll be a push-pull situation until he really deals with his own issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) Maybe it's not lies and excuses, no body will know the truth because we are not our exes. However, OP has to move on because this is the reality. Sometimes reality is harsh however if we don't move on, we are the ones being harsh to ourselves. P.S And i will personally hope OP thinks that this guy is not being truthful rather than he has trust issues and this may gives her a sense of false hope that this guy still wants to be with her. The thing is, this guy needs to be himself to work on his issues and realize that being with OP can be happy and he has to be the one making the initiative in contact and action sincerely to get OP back. And if OP is still being emotional, she will not be able to think logically if this is man is who she wants to be with seriously. Edited April 16, 2011 by Fufu Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Fufu - yeah, I agree that there are times when trust issues are real, and there's times when its a cop out. You are right that you cant be sure. Either this person is not ready for a relationship, or they are a liar. The result is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Pens55: Thanks to this forum If not, i will still stuck in the past.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happiness0421 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Share Posted April 16, 2011 Fufu and Pens - thank you for your posts. I completely agree with both of you; he could be full of sh*t or he could really have some emotional issues that he needs to work on. I am a pretty intuitive person, and I do feel like it is the latter. However, I have told myself that it is OVER and have already started the healing process. I will be fine and can move on...and I don't think that will be easy for him to do at all. His loss! Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 You're very strong, happiness. If you're right about the emotional issues, then maybe he will deal with them someday and work to rectify the damage he caused. But remember, until the issues are dealt with, it will probably happen again. I agree with your plan, consider it over and do whats best for you. You'll find happiness one way or another. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 You are a strong lady, I'm happy to hear this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happiness0421 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks all. It finally came to an amicable end. He gave me a written apology, stating everything I had basically knew about why all this had happened. He didn’t beg for me back or beg for my forgiveness; he was very kind and mature in his approach. He then asked to call me that night; it was a brief conversation (~15 minutes) where he told me that a couple little things manifested into a couple big things in his head, and he freaked out and pushed me away. He said that he knew it was no excuse, and that his fears from his ex hurting him were no excuse. I told him that I hoped this relationship taught him that not every girl was out to hurt him and screw him over. We both agreed to go our separate ways and leave each other alone from this point forward; chalk this relationship up to an ‘experience’ and move on with our lives. He wrote me a very quick message after our talk: “Thank you so much for talking with me. You are the most amazing woman and I hope you find someone who deserves you.” I feel like I did the best thing for both him and me at this point in our lives. I think we will both look back on this at some point and see it as something that we both learned and grew from. It will be hard to not hear from him, but I know that things will get easier in time – it’s already been 3 weeks since the initial breakup, and it has gotten easier since then. It is hard to be strong, but we are worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Its tough to let go, but I think you are in a very good place now. Sometimes someone with baggage is better to split with, rather than have the problem manifest on down the road:confused: good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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