SheilaK Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Throughout my EA, there was never, never, never a question that either my AP or I would leave our families for each other. We are both relatively happily married, successful professionals in our mid-40's with preteen-young teenage children. We still have a great deal in common after all these years, and both work extensively on the computer throughout the day which lead us to spend time together online. We live 3,000 miles apart from each other. There is no chance we will ever "bump" into each other nor socialize in the same circles. I had this vision that our relationship could be what we couldn't have in "real life" ... even though we made choices that lead us to separate ways 25 years earlier, it seemed as though we reconnected in a way that we could do both...be best friends from a distance without hurting our families. It turned out to be a fantasy...my AP could not maintain both relationships. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to either....he left first so I don't know..... Has anyone ever been able to do this????? (I'm not looking for anybody to comment on the "right or wrong" nature of this...just wondering if anyone was able to really do this....) Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) I'm not speaking from my own experience, because I couldn't and wouldn't want to do it long term. But from a lot of stories I've heard before, yes, some people can carry on extremely long affairs. In some cases both parties know that it wont go further than an affair (ie. not leaving any Ms) But sadly a lot of the long term affairs are with people where 1 party is continuously promising the other that they will leave "right after ------- happens", then its another excuse. And for some reason the person that's waiting keeps waiting. Personally (I say this without judgment) that is the saddest scenario there is. So yeah, to answer your questions, there are affairs that last for a very long time. I think it depends greatly on the married party's ability to compartmentalize, live with the lie, etc... Edited April 15, 2011 by TigerCub Link to post Share on other sites
Author SheilaK Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 That recipe for being miserable in your signature is a great line, Tiger Cub...I need to take that to heart as I get over my dream of a long term EA..... Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Lot's of people have long term affairs. There are stories all over the net about such goings on all the time. I just saw one story last night about a 32 yr thing. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 That recipe for being miserable in your signature is a great line, Tiger Cub...I need to take that to heart as I get over my dream of a long term EA..... thanks It is an awesome line. My A brought up a lot of past issues for me - so I went to therapy, and my therapist actually said that line to me (in reference to xMM and the mess I was in). It is very true. I hope you heal Sheilak. It takes time. Time to get some distance, time to process everything, time to feel sad, and time to get over it. It takes time, but it can be done Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Sheila, I understand if you don't want to go into too much here. But you say that you had hopes for a long term EA. Why? I mean, isn't there any way that you can get what you need emotionally from your husband? If you don't want to go into it, I understand, I'm just curious, because you are married, you have someone, so can't he be the provider of what you need emotionally/physically, etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SheilaK Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 I love him. I always loved him but I was too young when we were together to realize what I had those many years ago when I walked away looking for I don't-even-know-what. Over the years, I learned through a few trips "around the block" that my EA partner was one of the best people I've ever known. And I love my husband. He is a great blessing to me. I'm not jealous of my EA partner's wife...I'm happy for him that he has a warm, loving family to support him. I would NEVER reach out to him in a way that risked his marriage. Both men support me in different ways. It isn't a "traditional" situation. It isn't the "dream" situation. It isn't the "best" situation. But it's my reality. I love two men. It seemed as though my EA partner felt the same way as I did...again, I thought we could both maintain both relationships...and as I've posted in another forum, if my EA partner contacted me today, I would resume our relationship. But he's not contacting me. That tells me where he is regarding our relationship, and I'm respecting that. Even though it hurts. Maybe my thought that he felt the same way about me as I feel about him was just my hopes - not reality. That's why I started this thread...I wondered if anyone else has had success with this type of situation....or is it simply "crazy talk" to imagine that a long term extramarital EA is possible..... Link to post Share on other sites
zee75 Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 SheilaK, I felt exactly the same way you did and actually did up until a few days ago. I really felt like I loved two men, and maybe I did, but I know I was deluded thinking that I could somehow maintain both relationships. The guilt and shame was slowly eating away at me and just now am I finally seeing what really occurred and how serious a mistake that thinking really was. Hugs to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I don't know how long an affair must be to be considered long-term, but ... A girlfriend of mine has had a sexual affair with a higher-up MM at her former workplace for well over two years now. She left the workplace to get away from him (he broke it off with her after the first year), but he called after she got safely situated in her new job, so now it's on again. It's purely sexual for them, though not by her choice. He doesn't want any emotional involvement with her -- he deliberately keeps it friendly but superficial. She enjoys the excitement and the sex, though. She says she's really only in it for the sex, but we've talked about her periodic anger and hurt feelings suggesting there may be unacknowledged expectations on her part... So it's long-term, but different from your situation. I think emotional affairs would be much harder to recover from. I'm sorry to hear about your sadness. Sometimes people use side affairs as "testing grounds" for building up their confidence to finally leave a relationship that has been dead for years. Other times people use side affairs to stay IN the relationship. However, one thing that does seem consistent: Affairs are often fueled by the unsettling "on-again"/off-again" drama, so I would never presume to say this is over unless YOU have said it's over. Maybe you can channel the energy you gave to this man in other ways. I'm not saying that as a judgment either. I understand how you can feel drawn to someone while still very much in like & in love with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Hi Sheila, I don't know what you consider 'long term' but I had a 1.5 year long distance A with a MW, which was most of the time EA due to the distance. It is all fantasy, it is amazing beautiful because it is in your head but still fantasy. While you sleep, have sex, eat dinner and share daily life with your H you spend time thinking of another man. You don't love your H, period ! I'm sorry but you can't love two persons at same time, it is just impossible. Loving two persons means that there are two persons filling different and complementary needs in you but it doesn't mean you love them both. Most of the time the H is the "provider/good father/good H" and the AP is "good lover/passion/romance/ sex". When you really love someone you are able to find this needs in the same man. If you don't, then you don't love any of them or you don't love your H. And if I really got your point you are sorry that the A couldn't last further. It can't because it is a fantasy...a fantasy can't last forever, there is always one of the partners who will get tired one day. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Thanks for explaining Sheila. I love him. I always loved him but I was too young when we were together to realize what I had those many years ago when I walked away looking for I don't-even-know-what. Over the years, I learned through a few trips "around the block" that my EA partner was one of the best people I've ever known. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but from what you say above, it seems to me like your EA partner is "the one that got away" sorta thing, and that feeds the fantasy because in your mind, you always play on the 'what if', or the 'wouldn't it have been great if we really did work out before', but in all truth, that's just fantasy talk. Because although you still connect, you don't really know what living with him and having a family with him is really like. Both men support me in different ways. It isn't a "traditional" situation. It isn't the "dream" situation. It isn't the "best" situation. But it's my reality. I love two men. hehe, no its not the ideal situation, but you're not the first to be in it It seemed as though my EA partner felt the same way as I did...again, I thought we could both maintain both relationships...and as I've posted in another forum, if my EA partner contacted me today, I would resume our relationship. I think maintaining both relationships would probably be more likely if the affair relationship is purely a sexual one, or if the marriage is completely broken down and loveless. I would imagine that maintaing 2 relationships that are of the emotional nature, where there are genuine feelings for both BS and AP would be extremely difficult to maintin because it just gets too exhausting and too taxing to have such ties to 2 people and not fully have anything substantial on either side. I know that I sound very confusing, but I just think that a person can't fully give to someone if they are investing emotionally in someone else as well. Maybe that's why your MM wanted to end things - not because he was faking his feelings for you, but because it was getting to be too much for him. But he's not contacting me. That tells me where he is regarding our relationship, and I'm respecting that. Even though it hurts. Maybe my thought that he felt the same way about me as I feel about him was just my hopes - not reality. That's why I started this thread...I wondered if anyone else has had success with this type of situation....or is it simply "crazy talk" to imagine that a long term extramarital EA is possible..... I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I'm very proud of you for respecting his wishes, as much as it pains you to do so. ***HUGS*** Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 There are some mistresses who are long term mistresses and I believe they will always just be the mistress, no matter how much they state the MM is leaving. If he was leaving, he would have left way before year 5, 6, 7+ Those MM know they don't have to leave because the mistress has no qualms with being the mistress since she has been it for so long. She has shown she will settle for being the bit on the side. That's my view. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SheilaK Posted April 16, 2011 Author Share Posted April 16, 2011 East 7, I sure am glad that love isn't singular. All of us love and are loved by a myriad of people. Link to post Share on other sites
kis Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I'm not speaking from my own experience, because I couldn't and wouldn't want to do it long term. But from a lot of stories I've heard before, yes, some people can carry on extremely long affairs. In some cases both parties know that it wont go further than an affair (ie. not leaving any Ms) But sadly a lot of the long term affairs are with people where 1 party is continuously promising the other that they will leave "right after ------- happens", then its another excuse. And for some reason the person that's waiting keeps waiting. Personally (I say this without judgment) that is the saddest scenario there is. So yeah, to answer your questions, there are affairs that last for a very long time. I think it depends greatly on the married party's ability to compartmentalize, live with the lie, etc... I would like to think the ones that last a long time are the ones where both are happy with what they have together. No false promises. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 There was a poster - an OW, doggydog - who was in a 22 yr A with an MM. He promised marriage at the end of the rainbow. In the end, after 22 years, she got dumped. I personally know of a 20 yr long affair that ended only when one participant got Alzheimer's. Yes, these things can go on for quite a while. Why not? Link to post Share on other sites
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