acted disgustingly desperate- looking for hope

[Jadestone]

Well I have done everything bad in the book w my ex. We were together for 3 years and have broken up for 2 mos before. My biggest problem in our r/ship was my fear of abandonment. Each time we had a fight I would think, this is it, it's over. Anxiety would take over, and I would either get scared and push him- or just over all not make anything better. When we came bk together after two mos apart- I worked on a lot, but kind of slipped back into it, and then would regain control over myself again. So it was a battle inside.

 

Right now I am unemployeed bc I went to school full time. But now school is over. So- idle hands are the devils work. I decided to move bk to my hm town where he and everyone I love live. He was still contacting me after the breakup- as he did last time. But this time couldn't handle the confusion and bc of so much time on my hands- I have texted emotions non stop, stopped by his house to see him (like 4 times), and pulled my last awedul desperate attempt.

 

I got I to a car accident- and he asked me if I was ok in a text. I lied and said my friend died. After talking a bit- he told me he didn't know what was real anymore, and said bye. Upon which- I tried to play it off in a gmail, my lie. I am a really bad liar, and if I lie to people I care about, I end up telling on myself. So the next day I told on myself.

 

I'm so disappointed in myself bc all of this has totally been against my character. I seriously don't know who I have become and I can't stop missing him. I want to be with him again, am I such a disgusting desperate person that he may never want me back or ever talk to me again?

 

I have never acted like this. It's sad. Is there no hope?

[Jadestone]

After he tried to catch me in the lie- I left a voicemail trying to convince him, not a gmail

[Hules]

I think you need to focus on yourself for now. Because that wasn't a little lie you told that was massive. If an ex of mine told me someone had died and their life in order to pull on my heart strings and then found out later it was a lie. I would never forgive them or want to talk to them again.

 

Thats not just lying, thats emotional manipulation, which is not cool. So I would imagine your ex is not very happy with you atm. So focus on yourself and fix your issues, have you ever talked to a doctor about your anxiety issues?

[D-Lish]

Sometimes when we know things are unravelling, we do the opposite of what we should be doing.

 

At this stage, don't respond to your emotions as they arise, take a deep breath and think first.

 

What you really need to do right now is give him space. Stop hammering him with everything and anything to get his attention because you aren't just pushing him away, you are full blown shoving him away.

 

It's time to regroup, and pull back. Stop texting him, don't go to his house, give him 100% space. On these boards we call it no contact, or NC. It's an opportunity to work on yourself.

 

If there is any chance at all to make things better, you have to pull right back and stop contacting him- every little contact you make now is shoving him away- keep that in mind as you go through this.

[Jadestone]

Thank u for your responses.

 

I have recently contacted a therapist to discuss my anxiety issues. So at the moment I am waiting to hear back from them. When I was doing yoga it seemed to put me in a mental ease.

 

I know I told a really big bad lie. I've talked to friends and family about it. The first response is nobody knows who I have become bc it is totally against my character. The later response is a numerous perspective. People tell me- well when I think about it, I don't know how many times I have said my grandma died so I could get out of work. Another was-" when I was in the service, I lied about my gf dying in an accident. I didn't want to date anyone while I was there, didn't want to explain that to him, and didn't want him to think I was gay.

 

It does not justify what I have done bc in the end it was wrong, and I know that. It was a very desperate act and I just couldn't live with the lie. That's why I confessed to him.

 

Since then I have not been obsessivley texting or calling. Of course I still care about him, but I did a lot of damage and he does need space.

 

I would just hope in time a person could forgive another for such a stupid act. Hopefully understand the position that they were in and accept the fact that they came clean about it. Everyone is different, but I know, in time I would be able to forgive someone that I once loved for the way they acted.