The "Being strung along" thread, is it normal human behavior?

[Movingthrough]

Hey everyone.

 

I spend a lot of time on here reading, trying to put two and two together with "common" things people post about, certain topics. Like most people who read a lot on here, you start to notice certain trends, certain things that tend to happen during a break up (mostly from the dumpees point of view).

 

What i see a lot is threads about being "strung along", the dumper leaving crumbs to see what the dumpee will do with them, the dumper not wanting the dumpee "out of their life" - yet, they are already with someone else, and very much "moved on". The key part of this discussion is the lies. Most of the dumpers like this swear up and down they are not seeing anyone, need time for them, and that the other person in question is just a friend. They seem to spend a lot of time "proving" they are not with someone, and in the meantime keeping you around and even in some situations being intimate or even just verbally showing attractiveness.

 

The rational positive side of me thinks that in a sense this is just normal human behavior, not saying its right, but if the dumper was emotionally checked out for weeks anyway, then moving on is no biggie. Reality is, if you are broken up it doesn't matter what they do. But why the string along? Why the "i still having feelings for you"? Like i said, a lot of energy seems to be spent on the idea of they are NOT doing exactly what they are doing. To me this is a easy case of having your cake and eating too. Obviously there is some sort of attraction still there, thats why you were in love in the first place, but why not cut it off is what i always would ask, why the energy, why the lies, what do they gain?

 

So heres the question and discussion, i believe its the pursuit of happiness and selfishness in all of us that causes this, wanting more then we can have, almost like human nature (for some of us)....not saying its right but not necessarily malicious.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited April 16, 2011 by Movingthrough

[DollyGirl12]

I think they string another along because they are selfish. They don't want the commitment but they want to make sure you are still around "just in case" or when they have nothing better to do. This is

what becomes so painful for the person on the other end. They still carry so much hope in their heart and want that other person back so badly. The problem with this is that they end up going through the hurt and pain for a much longer time. They get that relief from the anxiety when they hear from the other. Then the other starts pulling away again and the anxiety heightens. This can happen over and over again and becomes more and more painful to the other person involved, while the person throwing the "crumbs" is doing what makes them happy and content. Very, very selfish, and quite honestly, in my eyes, shows truly how little they really care about the well being of the person they are throwing the crumbs to.

The other person keeps holding on to that hope that the other will have a "revelation" and realize that they really do want to be with that person. Honestly, the only way this is most likely going to happen is if the person being thrown the crumbs stops jumping for them. Show them you are strong (even if you don't feel that way inside), that you can move on without them and have a happy life, and that you are not going to be bait for them any longer. NC all the way!!!

[ginastar]

it could be selfish reasons but it also could be that the person is having a really hard time moving on and adjusting to the changes as well, even if they did end it.

[poorguy]

It's human nature I suppose. The reason I say that is because it seems to be such a common theme on here. The motivations behind it are as follows-selfishness, ego gratification, and a way to use you to get closer to whoever they are seeing (that part I don't quite understand)

[DollyGirl12]

it could be selfish reasons but it also could be that the person is having a really hard time moving on and adjusting to the changes as well, even if they did end it.

 

I do agree that the other may have a hard time moving on. But honestly, if that person is mature, and they see the devastation that they are causing the other (and it sounds like he knows very well what he is doing to her) then he would stop doing it. Someone who truly cares about you doesn't constantly want to throw you back in to turmoil with anxiety and depression. Hence, he is being selfish and only thinking about his needs.

[ginastar]

My ex did it to me, along with everyone else on here. He eventually stopped, I think finally realizing he was driving me nuts. He stopped and stayed with the new girl, whom I thought he would not being that he was dragging me along and even some other girls.

[DollyGirl12]

My ex did it to me, along with everyone else on here. He eventually stopped, I think finally realizing he was driving me nuts. He stopped and stayed with the new girl, whom I thought he would not being that he was dragging me along and even some other girls.

 

 

Yes, unfortunately I think many have been though having this done to us, at one point or another in our life. I guess that's why, after having gone through it, it is easier to see and catch on to. Probably doesn't make it easier for the person going through it though.

[Eddie Edirol]

One woman who dumped me would text me once a week to see if I would answer. I didnt know any better at the time, I let her give me the crumbs.

One woman I dumped, she was really hurt bad, I was actually tempted to text her just to make sure she was ok. I felt like I wanted to know temporarily, but I wasnt attracted anymore, once I asked, I would have forgotten about her. I didnt do it though, I know from experience that its better I stay away from her so she healed faster.

[EmperorR]

My last ex did it for a whole year, told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, still came over to my house every weekend still acted like she was my gf in front of my family still enjoyed the benefits. it wasnt until I saw her fb that she was in a relationship I said no more of course she lied with the it's just Facebook and he's just a friend who I haven't seen in two years jargon.

[Pens55]

Very interesting thread. I think, for the most part, the dumper strings the dumpee along so they can have the ego boost until they find someone else. Its always nice knowing someone wants you, even if you have no interest in them.

 

That being said, its a really selfish thing to do and hurts the dumpee. If you dont care enough for someone to be with them, do them a favor and let them move on.

[poorguy]

My last ex did it for a whole year, told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, still came over to my house every weekend still acted like she was my gf in front of my family still enjoyed the benefits. it wasnt until I saw her fb that she was in a relationship I said no more of course she lied with the it's just Facebook and he's just a friend who I haven't seen in two years jargon.

 

 

I wonder why they do that? I had that same thing happen to me but it did'nt go on for a year thank go. It was only a month until I caught on. the lying just does'nt end when it comes to that

[ginastar]

My ex did have someone else and he still strung me along, so I dont think it has to do with keeping you around til they find someone else

[Fufu]

My ex did have someone else and he still strung me along, so I dont think it has to do with keeping you around til they find someone else

 

To me this is call 1 leg stepping on 2 boats. Personally, this is a selfish act to both the new gf, as well as the ex gf.

[ginastar]

hhaaa. well actually there was more than 2 boats

[Fufu]

Personally, if the dumper broke up with dumpee, regardless the dumper had a new relationship or not and still strung the dumpee along, the dumpee should move on and leave this dumper.

 

It's not about whether the dumper still loves the dumpee or not because if the dumper really loves dumpee, dumper will want to be with dumpee and not play this kind of stringing you along game. It is after all very damaging and unhealthy to the dumpee.

 

Being wishy washy is not the kind of person you will feel loved, safe and secured with.

[Fufu]

hhaaa. well actually there was more than 2 boats

 

haha, i wonder how many boats he can step man..

[ginastar]

i agree. he is a douchebag

[nana841121]

There is positive energy here anyway.

 

So glad that breakup makes us become philosophers.

[Movingthrough]

There is positive energy here anyway.

 

So glad that breakup makes us become philosophers.

 

Its funny how much you can learn from a breakup!

 

I hear a lot of people say its the ego when it comes to the dumper. In the sense of just feeling good having someone after you?

 

I think most people like the feeling of having someone wanting them, me personally i could never string someone along, because in the end you know how bad they will feel, but thats also what you learn when going through a breakup, and i dont wish that pain onto anyone.

 

Curious to here more about this ego concept...

[PelicanPete]

I think its pretty average behavior for someone who isn't very emotionally aware of other people or themselves. I also believe it is mostly ego. If they left you for someone else, still stringing along the ex and the new person being aware of this can be a form of playing hard to get. Could portray the illusion of "you better try extra hard because I have people wanting to be with me other than you".

 

It also gives the same message to the dumpee, because they are in a sense giving the dumpee false hope. It is two people hand feeding one persons ego which makes that person feel like the king or queen of the hill. Gives the dumper a lot of confidence in their fairly new and unexplored situation, makes them feel like they have safety nets no matter what they decide to do.

 

They are essentially controlling two people, and with human beings mind being ego based by default they are probably just doing what feels right to them. Breakups are emotional on both ends, just like the dumpees decisions and thinking are clouded with emotion, so are the dumpers.

[Movingthrough]

 

They are essentially controlling two people, and with human beings mind being

ego based by default they are probably just doing what feels right to them

 

This is kind of what i have learned from months of being the dumpee, reading, talking, researching etc. Most dumpers are not doing anything maliciously to the dumpee, we do what makes us happy OR we think will make us happy. If there is a failure in the relationship, and a new person looks better, most people will move on. The issue is the dumpee is usually sitting there like ahh can we at least talk about it?

[TheHurtProcess]

This is what I think about how people treat me...

 

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

 

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

 

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power (Hello No Contact!), not fear and self-doubt.

 

If you like / agree with what you just read above... I got the above paragraph straight from Dr. Phil.

 

More about this Here.

 

I totally agree. This is why I tend to be more angry with myself over how I allow someone to treat me, even if I am slightly irritated with my ex-gf for the way she has treated me in the past.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"

[Movingthrough]

 

This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at

the hands of someone else.

 

This is a good point, i have been somewhat lucky in the sense that i have been somewhat "cool" in my contact with the ex (not letting her walk all over me) but im the first to admit i havent always done it right. One thing i regret more then anything is doing the "im done, goodbye" then 4 months later we are some how talking again. I have always been a big believer in doing what i feel will help me get over it, but i have also seen in the long run it always turns out the same which is usually no contact.

 

Like my other post, i still think there is a sense of confliction there, yes they are stroking their egos, but most of the time when they know they dont want you and are REALLY happy, they wont try and mess up what they have and a healthy person will just not talk to you.

 

What does everything think, is this "stringing along" fairly common nowadays?

[radiodarcy]

so long as anyone - - man or woman -- has options, then yes; the chances at being string along are much higher.

 

is it human nature? yes - -but only insofar as the person who's being strung along allows it

 

admittedly, i allowed myself to be strung allow for 2.5 years. much much too long. but we started out as friends and he was my first love to boot. i couldn't bring myself to accept that someone that i loved and trusted as a friend would do that.

 

but again, i enabled him to do it. he kept saying he respected me but i don't think he did. i certainly wouldn't respect someone who allowed me to treat them that way.

 

looking back, i think he *wanted* to respect me but he couldn't because of the way i was acting - - clingy and desperate.

 

*sigh* love. it puts us on a different plane - - and not necessarily a higher one...