Chemistry issues... what can be done to improve

[hativelchas]

I've been reading a lot on this forum and there are so many interesting posts and helpful answers, so I thought this would be the best place to try get some needed advice on my issue.

I haven't talked to friends or relatives about it because they all know my husband and from the perspective of the outsider, they would just see me as an ungrateful b**** for complaining about him.

 

I'm 27, same as my husband, we've known each other for a little over 3 years and been married for almost 2. We also have a 1 year old daughter together. I could say that our marriage is a happy one, or so it appears to our parents and people around and probably that's how my husband likes to think about it too.

 

I mean I love him as the father of my daughter, he's been a great dad so far and he clearly loves her more than anything in the world. He's been a good husband too, I can't complain, he tries to be a good man and all, but... it still feels that it's not working well and it's all down to chemistry... It seems to be one sided. His side mostly. He says he feels great chemistry with me, but I don't really. Actually I think I'm not feeling it at all anymore...

 

It's getting sad that I'm only thinking about sex with him, like a chore, and not wanting it. But he does, he gives me hints or tells me that he would like us to have sex more than once a week, but for me that is already too often. The sex is not bad, once I get into it, it goes ok, it's just that I don't feel turned on beforehand, I just don't ever feel like jumping him.

 

I'm not frigid, don't get me wrong, I get turned on watching a love scene in a movie or even dancing to sexy music, but sadly my husband doesn't have that effect on me. His appearance has not visibly changed since I've met him, neither has mine, I got rid of all the pregnancy extra-weight. I am a bit frustrated that I don't have time to exercise as much as I would like, while my husband feels no need to exercise whatsoever, he just sits all day at his desk to work, then in the evening sits on the sofa to watch tv or movies.

 

However, I think that chemistry between two people is not only about the physical aspect, but just as much about personality. And I don't know if it's him who's changed or it'sme who now finds other traits of personality attractive in a man, but except his total commitment to family life, I would change a lot about his personality if I could do that.

 

It's just that no matter how I did try so far, by joking or more seriously suggesting him to change some things, he gets all defensive and blames me for not loving him just the way he is, because that's what he does for me...

 

We've been told by many that we tied the knot too soon and too early and I'm beginning to think they were right. I made the mistake to introduce him to my parents when we had just been dating for a couple of months and they loved that he was all about committing and crazy about me and almost forced me into marrying him as soon as possible, because "men like him are so rare in these days". I wish I weren't always such a good daughter and had the courage to oppose them and wait a little more to see how things would turn out...

 

But as it is, I want to make our marriage work even if just for the sake of my daughter and I don't want her to grow up in an atmosphere of frustration. So if any of you reading is or has been in this type of situation or think they know what I should do or how I should go about to make things better, lay it all on me, I'm writing here not to vent but to get much needed advice.

 

All the best to everybody!

[Feelin Frisky]

I think you already have it pretty-well surmised. The "honeymoon" is over and you weren't all that into him in the first place. I don't know what it is that you want to change about him but sometimes women respond negatively to a guy who makes things too easy for them. In essence they want to "want" and not just "have". I don't know how you explain that to a guy who doesn't know anything but being the "provider". This is why a lot of woman go for the bad boy or maverick type--the indifference by those types creates "want" inside a girl's mind. Maybe by understanding some of these dynamics objectively you can really zero in on the heart of what ails you. The problem is inside you. You may be able to get him to buy into some change if you present it fairly that you haven't had the chance to develop and indulge your "wants". He just took away that theater of feeling by giving himself over so easy. Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

The instinctive impression I get is that you have fallen out of love with him, you did get married too quickly, and while you love him, you're not in love with him.

 

Staying together for the sake of your child is a very poor reason.

Remember that 'for the sake of your daughter' runs on, in one shape or another, for 18 years...

You really want this to go on for that long?

 

Good luck with that.

 

People change, nothing stays the same.

you alone can't fix this, and frankly, I'm not sure you even can, together.

 

Instead of thinking of ways to put this back together - all of which will feel contrived, artificial, too much like hard work and not something I suspect that, deep down, you really want to do - I think you need to discuss ways to end this as amicably and peaceably as you can.

 

And stopping to wonder what everyone else will think - is just another hindrance.

[xxoo]

The sex is not bad, once I get into it, it goes ok, it's just that I don't feel turned on beforehand, I just don't ever feel like jumping him.

 

If the sex is good for you once you start--the easy solution is to just start regardless of whether you are feeling it beforehand. If he can turn you on in bed--give him plenty of opportunity!

 

Can you give examples of the kinds of things you'd change about him? It is difficult to give advice without knowing if you are talking about big stuff or little stuff.

[Green Light]

Reliable providers aren't very sexy.

[xxoo]

Reliable providers aren't very sexy.

 

To an immature woman, maybe so.

 

Is that it, OP? Are you just bored, and wanting new and exciting?

 

Or is there something else going on with your H that is turning you off?

[giotto]

well, you've had you baby and now you can chuck him... sorry to be direct, but it looks like that to me. Why did you have a baby with him if you didn't feel that attracted to him, mentally and physically? Did you think it would make things better? Wrong!

 

Be honest with him. Have the guts to divorce him and find a man who can put a little spice in your life before you fall asleep during sex...

[hativelchas]

I certainly didn't use him to have a baby, and I didn't really plan to get pregnant or at least not that soon. It happened on our honey moon and he was ecstatic the moment he found out about it.

@ xxoo - I've never had loyalty or commitment issues and I really had a high opinion of marriage because I thought it could be the only way to achieve the level of intimacy that I wanted with a partner and otherwise a proof of maturity.

 

What could be really bothering me is that I feel he was completely dishonest with me at the beginning of our relationship, by going out of his way to look like he could be anything I needed in a man. By that I mean that he took interest in things or acted in ways that he wouldn't naturally and clearly didn't feel the need to keep that up after we got married.

 

More exactly: he is not an energetic person, doesn't have great stamina, but yet he tried to seem interested in any outdoors activities that I would suggest when we were dating. He almost never refused me before getting married, but after that started saying that he was just too tired, had work to finish at home or I was pregnant and it could be dangerous...

 

He noticed I liked getting together with friends whenever we could all find time, so he tagged along, tried to be nice although it was easily noticeable that he is not good with people. After the wedding, he again could not find time to go out anymore, then I find out that he actually doesn't even like most of my friends (thought we should make new friends together) and actually now I see that he doesn't even have any close friends and doesn't seem to need any, he thinks I'm enough of a friend to him...

 

When dating we went together to the opera and theatre and art gallery, I was talking about plays, books and arts with my friends and although he could not give a personal opinion, he always seemed to listen with real interest. I thought no problem, maybe he just didn't have the opportunity to develop a cultural interest so far, it's never too late... but once married, he just cannot be bothered to talk or even listen to me talking about any of the above, he now admits he finds most arts useless and downright ridiculous and doesn't see what good are they to humanity...

He is not depressed or unhappy like it might appear from my description. On the contrary, he seems very content to just watch movies and read magazines or do research for his job and needs nothing more. He would probably be the happiest if I was interested in exactly the same things as him and nothing more.

 

When it comes to our sex life, I have been in most cases the one to initiate sex one way or the other and he says it's because he doesn't want to make me feel like he's forcing me into it.

In the beginning I thought he was shy and inexperienced and I found it challenging to find ways to entice him, thinking that he will learn on the way... But still, after 3 years his only idea of seducing me seems to be telling me how nice my butt looks in those pants... and if that doesn't seem to blow my mind, he feels rejected and retreats... and I have to be the one to initiate again.

 

And when sex actually happens, he doesn't really do anything to make it interesting or if he wants to try something new and he doesn't find his way about it quickly or I don't read his mind immediately he just gives up in a second and goes back to the same old things he is familiar with. So it's kind of been always up to me to take the lead in the creativity department and it was ok for a while but I've just started losing motivation, I just do not feel like always being the dominant partner. I mean respect is definitely needed in the bedroom too, but not so much as I feel he is showing me... I've tried talking to him about that and he just says that I'm the creative one and not him, that I'm doing great and to tell him if there's anything I want him to do.

 

There are also some physical appearance issues, because I remember pushing him to join me to the gym even before being married, but now he has just given it up for good. He always says he will start exercising again in the future, when he has more spare time or money, but I doubt he means any of that. He is just a little overweight, doesn't make him look unattractive, but it's obvious to anyone that he takes minimal interest in his appearance. What's gotten worse than before is his personal hygiene, but I heard many women in a long-term relationship with a man complain about that, so if that's the norm, I don't know if there's any use in me complaining...

 

We've had an argument some 4 months ago, when I told him that I'm not happy with how much he's changed (and not for the better) since we got married. He indignantly denied that he has changed at all, then I enumerated, just as above all the ways that he changed for the worse. He became furious, told me that I'm being absurd, he's always been just the same, he never try to pretend in order to get me to marry him and that if I don't like who he really is maybe we shouldn't have married, maybe we're not compatible and we have a serious problem... I asked him what does he suggest we do in this case. He said 'nothing, we have to think of our daughter above everything else'. Then he stayed mad at me for a day and a night, until I went to make peace with him, I apollogized for saying what I said, told him that I'm grateful that he is a great father and tries to be a good husband. He accepted my apollogy but hasn't said even one 'sorry' about anything to this day.

 

Possibly because of this, my feelings for him started deteriorating since. He seems to have put all that behind him and is now just as happy as ever about our family life, he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with me, except that I don't seem to be willing to have sex with him as often as before and he jokes about buying himself a blow up doll... He hasn't even once tried to open a discussion about what is going on with our sex life, and I don't think I have it in me to do that.

 

I wished I would know the right words to say to him to make him understand (without make him get once again all defensive and hurt) that me being legally married to him is not all that it takes for me to feel obligated or re-programmed to feel like having sex with him every day for the rest of my life.

[Fugu]

I'm 27, same as my husband, we've known each other for a little over 3 years and been married for almost 2. We also have a 1 year old daughter together. I could say that our marriage is a happy one, or so it appears to our parents and people around and probably that's how my husband likes to think about it too.

 

I have several reactions, but one off the top of my head is your age. Although you are definitely an adult at this point, people go through changes in life, and I remember one change I went through seemed to occur, for whatever reason, right around your age. I am convinced that this change is one factor - not the only, but one - that ultimately led me away from my partner at that time. I was confused about who I really was and what I really wanted out of my life and my partner, which obviously didn't really put me in a good position to deal with what I felt were shortcomings in my partner and our relationship in general. The difference between my situation and yours is, you have children and an actual marriage, whereas I was cohabitating, but free to leave, and that I did. There was a lot on the line for me, but there's more in it for you at this point, so you'll have to think more carefully and you'll have harder consequences to live with if you make decisions you later regret.

 

I mean I love him as the father of my daughter, he's been a great dad so far and he clearly loves her more than anything in the world. He's been a good husband too, I can't complain, he tries to be a good man and all, but... it still feels that it's not working well and it's all down to chemistry... It seems to be one sided. His side mostly. He says he feels great chemistry with me, but I don't really. Actually I think I'm not feeling it at all anymore...

 

Could you be specific? What do you mean when you say that there's no chemistry? I'm guessing you mean that the conversations just aren't as deep anymore? That happens quite often in relationships. That's why conversation has to be maintained all the time. Once you lose the ability to connect with your partner, all kinds of things happen, because you begin seeing yourselves as individuals with your own lives. That shouldn't happen in marriage.

 

It's getting sad that I'm only thinking about sex with him, like a chore, and not wanting it. But he does, he gives me hints or tells me that he would like us to have sex more than once a week, but for me that is already too often. The sex is not bad, once I get into it, it goes ok, it's just that I don't feel turned on beforehand, I just don't ever feel like jumping him.

 

I don't think you should ever feel pressured into having sex. I think if you want to have sex just once a week, that should be okay with him - but I realize not everyone feels that way. I think our culture tends to overrate sex as part of a relationship, with everyone saying it's the most important thing in a relationship. Well it's not. It's definitely important -- don't get me wrong. But it's important that people respect each others' feelings towards sex.

 

I'm not frigid, don't get me wrong, I get turned on watching a love scene in a movie or even dancing to sexy music, but sadly my husband doesn't have that effect on me. His appearance has not visibly changed since I've met him, neither has mine, I got rid of all the pregnancy extra-weight. I am a bit frustrated that I don't have time to exercise as much as I would like, while my husband feels no need to exercise whatsoever, he just sits all day at his desk to work, then in the evening sits on the sofa to watch tv or movies.

 

I think I see where this is going. The 'fun' you guys used to have while you were dating and maybe before you had your child just isn't there anymore. The relationship has entered a different phase -- quite common, I reckon. I think, though, that now that you realize this, the question is, what are you going to do about it? How do you find a way to get that fun back? Or how can you adjust to change with your husband, and how can you make it so that he can change with you? Two people go through changes as individuals, which is not a problem unless they completely change apart from each other.

 

It's just that no matter how I did try so far, by joking or more seriously suggesting him to change some things, he gets all defensive and blames me for not loving him just the way he is, because that's what he does for me...

 

There's an old saying (forgive me if you've read this before):

 

Women marry men hoping that they change but we never do; men marry women hoping that they will never change but they always do.

 

And no, I'm not putting the blame on your doorstep, so please don't think that. But honestly, I think that is something I have observed in my experience. In fact, if anything, I think it is more of a compliment to women, in the sense that women typically can handle their adjustments to new roles better than men can. Women are better able to shift into different roles than men. I think we men typically envision ourselves as just being married, going to work, mowing the lawn, and watching television on the weekends -- and a lot of us are content with just that.

 

We've been told by many that we tied the knot too soon and too early and I'm beginning to think they were right. I made the mistake to introduce him to my parents when we had just been dating for a couple of months and they loved that he was all about committing and crazy about me and almost forced me into marrying him as soon as possible, because "men like him are so rare in these days". I wish I weren't always such a good daughter and had the courage to oppose them and wait a little more to see how things would turn out...

 

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but please just stop this line of thinking. You married him. You did it. You always had a choice not to, but you went through with it, just as you did when you started a family. You might feel like you are weak and powerless and that these things are just happening to you, but they are not; you're part of this, and you need to own up to the responsibilities that come with your new life.

 

Mind you, I think you might still have some legitimate grievances in your relationship -- there's no way for me to know one way or the other, so I'm not really talking about that. I'm just saying, you have to accept that you're here because of your decisions. Now you have to start accepting responsibility for those decisions, because doing that will help you make the right decisions from this point forward.

 

But as it is, I want to make our marriage work even if just for the sake of my daughter and I don't want her to grow up in an atmosphere of frustration. So if any of you reading is or has been in this type of situation or think they know what I should do or how I should go about to make things better, lay it all on me, I'm writing here not to vent but to get much needed advice.

 

I think this is good. I think you're taking the right approach here. As for the right advice, everyone will have their own opinions and they will dispense advice freely. It will be up to you, though, as to what you should really do. You're the one living in this situation from day to day. Maybe I would just say be patient for the time being. Think to yourself about what's really important. Maybe just try to enjoy and appreciate the simple things.

[giotto]

well, then you are right... you married too young - pushed by circumstances... it happens - and the chemistry wasn't there in the first place. You married a man who then turned out to be something different. Unfortunately, there isn't very much you can do about it. He doesn't even see it. What are your options? Maybe counselling. If that doesn't work, then you'll have to ask yourself what's in this marriage for you... since he's happy and you clearly are not.

[xxoo]

Honestly, with the exception of a couple things, most of what you've listed here is "small stuff"....as in "don't sweat the small stuff". You are probably right in that he made a big effort to match your interests in the dating days, but that doesn't mean he intentionally misled you. It may just mean that you got married too soon to see the "true" him; he was still in the "only show your best" dating phase, which is normal in the beginning of a relationship.

 

You don't have to share all the same interests. You only have to share enough interests. Instead of focusing on the ways you are not compatible, why not look for and focus on the ways you are compatible? Maybe you share the same sense of humor, interest in animal, taste in movies, or love for restaurants. Whatever you do have in common, focus on that

 

As for the other interests you don't share, you can do those things with a good friend, or join a club.

 

The quotes below seem to focus on the "bigger" issues, as I see them:

 

What's gotten worse than before is his personal hygiene, but I heard many women in a long-term relationship with a man complain about that, so if that's the norm, I don't know if there's any use in me complaining...

 

Are you talking about shaggy hair and comfy clothes, or nasty breath and BO? If the former, small stuff. If that latter, no, that is not normal . Be honest and very direct--no clean, no sex.

 

He hasn't even once tried to open a discussion about what is going on with our sex life, and I don't think I have it in me to do that.

 

This is important because sex is important. But even more important than sex is communication. If you can not talk about this issue, you won't make it as a couple. The rest is "small stuff"....but this is "big stuff". Let the rest go, and dig in to this one issue. If you aren't nagging about the other things, he might be more open to hearing your concerns in this area.

 

We've had an argument some 4 months ago, when I told him that I'm not happy with how much he's changed (and not for the better) since we got married. He indignantly denied that he has changed at all, then I enumerated, just as above all the ways that he changed for the worse. He became furious, told me that I'm being absurd, he's always been just the same, he never try to pretend in order to get me to marry him

 

I think this is important because you got sidetracked in the "you changed" accusation. From his point of view, you are wrong. He didn't change. If you can't agree on whether he changed or not, the discussion goes nowhere.

 

Forget about who changed. It doesn't matter. How would the conversation have gone differently if, instead of complaining about how he's changed, you had expressed concern about how little you enjoyed together these days? No blame--just addressing the reality. How would it have gone differently if, instead of complaining at all, you had gone to him and said, "We really need to connect and have fun together. What can we do together that we would BOTH love? I want to shake it up a bit, and have some fun."

[giotto]

Instead of focusing on the ways you are not compatible, why not look for and focus on the ways you are compatible?

 

I thought of this very often, especially regarding my wife, but, if you live with somebody day in day out, it's impossible to ignore the negatives, because you are constantly reminded of them. They are always there, staring you in the face.

 

To me, the OP's just fallen out of love with her husband, if there was any love in the first place.

 

I do apologize about saying you used your husband for the baby. But it looked a bit like that. Surely, hasn't helped and probably made you feel even more trapped... maybe individual counselling would be a good idea.

[novelwriter]

So...hi

 

I've been married for almost 16 years, and I am here to tell you that there are going to be periods where you are just not feeling it. I think it's a good sign that you don't want to give up.

 

My first instinct is not that the chemistry between you is gone, but that having a baby has changed some things. It happens. You are someone's mother now, and even if you don't feel like that has changed you, it has. Plus, you're probably tired. Sleep deprived. Chasing a baby around and tending to her every need is not relaxing. You have spent the last 1+ years meeting the needs of this helpless little person, and sacrificing yourself. And while he thinks he's been a good husband, I'm sure he's missing the boat when it comes to meeting your emotional needs....they all do. They just don't get it. It's not their fault, they just don't know. You have to tell him.

 

And the sex...I agree with whomever said to just do it. You might not feel like it, but it is an important part of the marriage and it keeps couples connected (no pun intended).

 

Hope it works out!

[hativelchas]

You all have a point and your replies have really helped in bringing me some much needed peace of mind.

 

It's true that although I would like my H to be more self-assured and less socially awkward, have more energy and interest for subjects outside his field of work, I'm very aware that these are minor issues and that there are so many good parts to him that I feel very grateful for.

 

If I start thinking about it in a very simple way, I get the notion that we kind of got into a vicious circle (or actually I might have gotten him into it and have been keeping him there).

More exactly: I intimidate him because he feels that I want more from him in so many respects (of the 2 of us he's actually the one that holds some fears that I might be tempted to cheat) that consequently makes him feel and act insecure. That is a turn-off for me, therefore I don't act as if I'm attracted to him and that doesn't do any good to his self-confidence... either way I think about it, I cannot avoid feeling guilty about something...

 

@ Fugu: you might be right, there are many reasons to cause a major change of character around my age (my life has never before changed as radically as it did only last year). So now I can only live in anticipation of what this big change will bring to my husband - his seems to be a bit delayed. Hopefully not the realisation that he's fed up with me

 

@ novelwriter: thank you, I'm very happy to receive feedback from someone with much longer experience of married-life, with children also (I suppose).

It's true, I feel like I've aged 5 years in the last 1. Especially with a short-sleeper, energy-shake like my little one, I think I've had some experiences similar to being on some mind-altering drug because of all the sleep deprivation. I eventually got used to it and now it's almost normal

[xxoo]

I thought of this very often, especially regarding my wife, but, if you live with somebody day in day out, it's impossible to ignore the negatives, because you are constantly reminded of them. They are always there, staring you in the face.

 

It has helped me to stop thinking about small things as negatives, and rather acknowledge them as differences. We are different people, with different perspectives and different approaches, and that is ok. We can be different and still respect each other's position as valid, each other's contribution as valuable.

 

This is something I faced head-on when our first child was born, and had many of my H's "negative" traits Seeing your partner's genes in your child can help with acceptance.

 

Also, parenting together for many years, I now see more value in "his way" of doing things, and looking at things. We balance each other. It is a really GOOD thing that we aren't exactly the same. It goes farther than acceptance of our differences; I honestly appreciate our differences.

[giotto]

It has helped me to stop thinking about small things as negatives, and rather acknowledge them as differences. We are different people, with different perspectives and different approaches, and that is ok. We can be different and still respect each other's position as valid, each other's contribution as valuable.

 

This is something I faced head-on when our first child was born, and had many of my H's "negative" traits Seeing your partner's genes in your child can help with acceptance.

 

Also, parenting together for many years, I now see more value in "his way" of doing things, and looking at things. We balance each other. It is a really GOOD thing that we aren't exactly the same. It goes farther than acceptance of our differences; I honestly appreciate our differences.

 

so, you don't "see" the negative traits anymore or you've just accepted them? To the point that they don't irritate you anymore? I find the latter quite improbable, if that's what you are saying. But maybe you love your husband so much that you've learnt to love his faults too...

[xxoo]

so, you don't "see" the negative traits anymore or you've just accepted them? To the point that they don't irritate you anymore? I find the latter quite improbable, if that's what you are saying. But maybe you love your husband so much that you've learnt to love his faults too...

 

I am sometimes still irritated, but I accept that as my issue. Different isn't "wrong". My way of being isn't "right". He has a right to be who he is, without criticism from me (remember--I'm only talking about little stuff like social differences, different interests, etc....not dealbreaker stuff).

 

Like the OP, we differ in our social comfort. He is more outgoing than I am. He may be irritated by my lack of social interest/skills. Flipping the script I've been irritated by his "embarrassing" behavior in social situations But then I learned to step back and see that no one else thinks he is embarrassing himself. It is truly my issue, and he is in his natural element having fun. So I got over it, and stopped trying to make him someone he is not. Likewise, he doesn't try to make me someone I am not.

[giotto]

I am sometimes still irritated, but I accept that as my issue. Different isn't "wrong". My way of being isn't "right". He has a right to be who he is, without criticism from me (remember--I'm only talking about little stuff like social differences, different interests, etc....not dealbreaker stuff).

 

Like the OP, we differ in our social comfort. He is more outgoing than I am. He may be irritated by my lack of social interest/skills. Flipping the script I've been irritated by his "embarrassing" behavior in social situations But then I learned to step back and see that no one else thinks he is embarrassing himself. It is truly my issue, and he is in his natural element having fun. So I got over it, and stopped trying to make him someone he is not. Likewise, he doesn't try to make me someone I am not.

 

He is embarrassing and it's "your issue"? Because you shouldn't feel embarrassed and let him be what he is? My father is rather embarrassing in public. He has no manners. I can't be with him in social situations. Is that my issue? These are objective facts and it seems to me that you are being very tolerant and/or forgiving. I suppose it's the degree of things. I know very well that married life is one single big compromise, but I wouldn't be happy with a person who irritates me on a regular basis and then I have to try and think of this person's qualities in order to forget the negative ones. I'm sure this is not your case, but I always found the advice "look at positives, not the negatives" rather simplistic....

[xxoo]

He is embarrassing and it's "your issue"? Because you shouldn't feel embarrassed and let him be what he is? My father is rather embarrassing in public. He has no manners. I can't be with him in social situations. Is that my issue? These are objective facts and it seems to me that you are being very tolerant and/or forgiving. I suppose it's the degree of things. I know very well that married life is one single big compromise, but I wouldn't be happy with a person who irritates me on a regular basis and then I have to try and think of this person's qualities in order to forget the negative ones. I'm sure this is not your case, but I always found the advice "look at positives, not the negatives" rather simplistic....

 

The things I am talking about are NOT objective--not objectively right or wrong, not objectively embarrassing or unembarrassing. I am talking about subjective things--the many grey areas.

 

Since seeing things this way, I do get less irritated. I am still aware of the differences, but they bother me less. I am less invested in the small issues. I respond with more humor.

 

I may be very tolerant, but my partner is, too. He gives me at least as much grace to be myself as I give him

[giotto]

ok, you win...

 

The things I am talking about are NOT objective--not objectively right or wrong, not objectively embarrassing or unembarrassing. I am talking about subjective things--the many grey areas.

 

Since seeing things this way, I do get less irritated. I am still aware of the differences, but they bother me less. I am less invested in the small issues. I respond with more humor.

 

I may be very tolerant, but my partner is, too. He gives me at least as much grace to be myself as I give him

[xxoo]

ok, you win...

 

See now? You are overlooking my stubborness, and we are getting along so well

[giotto]

See now? You are overlooking my stubborness, and we are getting along so well

 

absolutely... after all I said, well, erm, you are right... yes, maybe a little stubborn, but that's not a big deal... I suppose we are still married (not you and me, I mean... ), because tolerance must be on top of the priorities list... as I said, it depends on the degree of things. I'm lucky in a way because we have basic common denominators... I can still get pretty irritated, though.