noleaf Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I was just wondering what you guys thought about who should make the first move to re-establish contact in a broken down relationship? If you are the dumper, should you leave it as you've already messed them around if you've dumped them and then regretted it? Or should you be the one to try and put things right? If you're the dumpee, should you keep your distance to save what you can of your pride and try to move on? Or should you try and fight to make your relationship work? Also, one more question, when you split up with someone, how do you know that you definately miss them and not just being in a relationship if you are going through NC? (in my situation i'm finding it hard becuase i keep remembering all the good times, and cos i'm not having contact with him, i dont know if i would still feel the same if i saw him...) Just would love to hear some people's opinions on the above Thanks x x x Link to post Share on other sites
Hules Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Dumper - they are the ones that chose to walk away, they are the ones that have to make themselves vulnerable by asking for a second chance. Dumpees asking for a second chance is basically handing over whatever dignity you have to the Dumper on the silver platter. In most cases will serve as a nice ego boost to the Dumper knowing you are still pining for them. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 The dumper. Definitely. Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 It depends. Sometimes people have to dump their bf/gf not because they want to or dont love them but rather because they have to.....I Truly believe the one who does/should de the one to come back around is the one who F_ed up regardless of who dumped who Link to post Share on other sites
loverboy1984 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 What if you got dumped after being stringed along with a notion of a break then thanked the dumper for making decision, but out of rage of being rejected decided to go off on her telling her that she will live to regret it and that she wont find anyone like me and the go on to saying it was nice knowing you, your out of my life,goodbye. Thats what I did. regret getting mad and yelling at the end but then again I had saved up for an engagement ring and a trip to Europe to purpose to her( she doesnt know that) after being with her for 6yrs so ofcourse I got mad, after being dumped out of the blue and cheated on(even though I forgave her). Some people are telling me that after a couple months of NC I should initiate contact because she may think Ive disowned her or too angry to talk. I dont think so what do you guys say? Link to post Share on other sites
rhonian Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Great question, noleaf! The DUMPER broke it, so the DUMPER must fix it.... This question alone has been my biggest struggle over the last 3wks of NC. So many, times I have been the one to initiate the makeup process. I would give my right ba!! to know what she is thinking about me not contacting her after this breakup. I have to retain some dignity and self-respect at some point in this relationship. I know for a fact it IS an ego boost for her and gives her a wonderful feeling of control when I have come back in the past even when I didnt feel like I should of. That is who she is....a TAKER. I believe in my case, and most others, that there are other contributing factors when the DUMPER chooses to dump. The DUMPER has been spinning their wheels thinking about things in the relationship and they slowly start to withdraw and unless you are really paying attention you might miss the warning signs. I didnt miss them, I saw them and chose not to confront them with her. Amazing, how the mind works. The first few days of breaking up you take a deep breath and enjoy your alone time....then, somehow the mind releases the anger and focuses on the quality times you had with them. For me, its almost like I wish she would just call me and tell me that she slept with someone because it is the one thing (for me) that will allow me to make a clean break.... Thanks for the question...... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBennett Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 It depends. Sometimes people have to dump their bf/gf not because they want to or dont love them but rather because they have to.....I Truly believe the one who does/should de the one to come back around is the one who F_ed up regardless of who dumped who Agree. No two breakups are the same either. Not always has the person who 'dumps' considered it beforehand. for me, it was one fight, one more d#!k moment too many. It was a 'snap' moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Popondetta Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Yeah, I agree with those who say it depends. If you dumped someone because you felt like they where checking out of the relationship and you didn't get the love you wanted and needed then it's the dumpee that needs to reach out. But in most cases I agree that it's up to the dumper to initiate contact. As for my situation; I was dumped, he kept me hanging on for 3 months until I had to force him to make up his mind. Got into NC after that, but I broke it after 5 weeks. Sent him a short email, just aksing how he is and telling him what's going on in my life. He replied and told me he had been thinking about contacting me too and that he was very happy to hear from me. So in a way I felt like I showed him that I'm not bitter, angry and needy (I am, but I don't want him to know). I think in doing that I've made it easier for him to contact me later if he ever wants to. I think a lot of dumpers might be scared of initiating contact with the person they dumped because they fear resentment, arguments, getting questioned about how they feel and what they want etc. I just wanted to try to even out the power balance, although it's impossible when you've been dumped. I just hope he contacts me again!! It's all up to him now!! At least I've done what I can now.. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I have to say, Dumper.. because the fact is Dumper is the one who chooses to let go.. Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I guess it would have to depend on the reason the relationship ended. In my case I was the dumper because I found that my exbf was emailing personals on Craigslist and looking up Escort services online. A very VALID reason to end it. However, I don't want him trying to contact me again as I don't want him back in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
DenverBachelor Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I was just wondering what you guys thought about who should make the first move to re-establish contact in a broken down relationship? If you are lucky, nobody will try and re-establish contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noleaf Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies! Great to hear everyone's opinions. As you might have guessed from my question, i am in a situation in which, although i am technically the dumper, i feel like the dumpee. Basically, i ended things with him after a drunken fight we'd had that ended with dramas - which i'd clearly told him i wasn't happy to put up with. So although i ended it, i feel like i was put in a position where i had to end it at that time, or else i felt i would be backing down and that he would lose respect for me - i.e. not going through with that i had said.... Anyway, i have tried to contact him, but he told me that i was confusing him!!! and i should leave him alone. For me i guess that means now i can't make contact with him, as he's asked me not to. But reading some stories on here, i think 'awwww...i ended it, maybe he's feeling vulnerable and like he wants to keep some pride, maybe i should reach out again???' - and i almost contact him. Then other times i think....'he played a part in us ending, and he told me to leave him alone.....i should do just that....' so i never end up making that move. What do any of you guys think? x x x x Link to post Share on other sites
Popondetta Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies! Great to hear everyone's opinions. As you might have guessed from my question, i am in a situation in which, although i am technically the dumper, i feel like the dumpee. Basically, i ended things with him after a drunken fight we'd had that ended with dramas - which i'd clearly told him i wasn't happy to put up with. So although i ended it, i feel like i was put in a position where i had to end it at that time, or else i felt i would be backing down and that he would lose respect for me - i.e. not going through with that i had said.... Anyway, i have tried to contact him, but he told me that i was confusing him!!! and i should leave him alone. For me i guess that means now i can't make contact with him, as he's asked me not to. But reading some stories on here, i think 'awwww...i ended it, maybe he's feeling vulnerable and like he wants to keep some pride, maybe i should reach out again???' - and i almost contact him. Then other times i think....'he played a part in us ending, and he told me to leave him alone.....i should do just that....' so i never end up making that move. What do any of you guys think? x x x x I'd say why not give it a try. Him rejecting you and telling you to leave him alone might be his defence mechanism since he was the dumpee. Maybe you haven't been clear in the reason why you contacted him last time..? In my opinion you have nothing to loose.. But if you feel like it would be impossible for you to handle a possible rejection then maybe you should drop it. You know this person so you probably have a gut feeling as to whether he rejected you because of hurt feelings or if he's just not that keen anymore.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noleaf Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 thanks for your reply popondetta much appreciated. This is what i keep thinking, but then i start to think, maybe i'm just thinking too much of myself... anyone else here wanna give me their opinion? I'd realy appreciate it - i really dont know what to do - and i'd love to see as many people's opinions as possible thanks x x x Link to post Share on other sites
pinkie Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 If he specifically told you that you were confusing him and not to contact him, then don't contact him. What do you not understand about that? Respect his wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Popondetta Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If he specifically told you that you were confusing him and not to contact him, then don't contact him. What do you not understand about that? Respect his wishes. I can totally understand this point of view too, but in this specific case maybe he as the dumpee just doesn't want the "bread crumbs" and needs noleaf to reach out and for her to be specific in what she wants. Maybe he has hurt feelings and needs for her to say the right things. At least I don't think it would hurt to try... But of course; that means that noleaf has to be strong and go for what she wants. Good luck no matter what you choose to do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author noleaf Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 thanks popondetta and pinkie you both kind of represent what's going on in my head - and what has been for the past few weeks i think i'm going to contact him though. If he's not interested and him telling me to leave him alone was truly what he wanted, then he wont reply or won't want to meet up etc. And at least i will know If it as as you've said popondetta, then hopefully we can work on whatever is left of our feelings for each other Either way, all that is happening now, is that i aren't moving on, wondering if there is still hope. After i contact him i will know for sure either way x x x Link to post Share on other sites
secondchancer Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 thanks popondetta and pinkie you both kind of represent what's going on in my head - and what has been for the past few weeks i think i'm going to contact him though. If he's not interested and him telling me to leave him alone was truly what he wanted, then he wont reply or won't want to meet up etc. And at least i will know If it as as you've said popondetta, then hopefully we can work on whatever is left of our feelings for each other Either way, all that is happening now, is that i aren't moving on, wondering if there is still hope. After i contact him i will know for sure either way x x x I am the dumpee, have had wonderful relationship before i was dumped... tried to contact her many times after breakup (almost one message every week) her responses were either cold or advisory... sometimes she simply ignores my messages... I guess when they are not interested, then they are not interested... sometimes they breakup for their own reasons... and normally they plan it at least two weeks before they announce it... would they change their mind after breakup? if they are mentally sound and stable.. it will take them time to decide weeks and months maybe... but normally they would make their decision at their own leisure after living their new freedom, without the dumpee pushing them for reconnection... contacting them constantly give them more justification to be away... i would like to say that the dumpee should move on... but i wish i could do that easily... the dumpee should have more confidence in themselves that they did the best they could, but at one point they should draw a line in the sand toward's which the dumper has to take positive step... otherwise it will become humiliating situation to the dumpee and they would put themselves in a hole that gets deeper if they keep digging... Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 And sometimes even though someone breaks up with you they can think that YOU caused the breakup even though they did the deed. Weird, I know. It's always something to keep in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noleaf Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 second chancer & 1784 thanks both for spending the time to post on my thread. Second chancer - if i was the dumpee i would def just walk away - i have done this in more than one other relationship and i know it works. But as i said i am technically the dumper - and its that point that is making it so much more confusing for me 1784 - i am in the exact situation you explain. I am technically the dumper - but i felt as if i was left with no choice - so sort of feel like i'm the dumpee....but i wonder if the fact i dumped him is stopping him from making contact. It might just be that he genuinely doesn't ever want to see me again - but i kind of just need to know that I have every confidence that i can walk away if i need to - i just dont want to walk away from something that might have a chance..... wish me luck anyway everyone - i'm gonna text him!! i think i'l start of casual...wonder if he'll even reply....? x x x Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 You can call it old fashioned, you can call it optimistic, you can call it whatever you like; but I think if it's meant to be someone or something will, at the very least, show itself. Forcing the issue does nothing. In fact, from what I've read and seen myself, it's typically counter-productive. As long as you feel you've let your ex know where you stand then that's all you can really be expected to do. Some people don't do this right away and need to do it later on, if they want a chance of reconciliation. In my case I feel that my ex knows how I feel about her. That's really all I can do. It's in here head and it's in her heart. She can choose to let it dissolve or she can act upon it. But I can move on with a clear conscience. She gave up on me and if she wants to get in touch with me she sure knows how. Like I said, though, you can't fight against reality and the nature of things. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work with that person. If you feel like you're forcing anything or going against the natural flow of things then you probably are, and it's not meant to be. I have trust enough in the flow of things in my life to know that I'll end up with who I should end up with. If that's no one, so be it. If it's my ex we'll cross that brige when we get to it. If it's someone else then it's someone else. It's all good ; ) Link to post Share on other sites
secondchancer Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 You can call it old fashioned, you can call it optimistic, you can call it whatever you like; but I think if it's meant to be someone or something will, at the very least, show itself. Forcing the issue does nothing. In fact, from what I've read and seen myself, it's typically counter-productive. As long as you feel you've let your ex know where you stand then that's all you can really be expected to do. Some people don't do this right away and need to do it later on, if they want a chance of reconciliation. In my case I feel that my ex knows how I feel about her. That's really all I can do. It's in here head and it's in her heart. She can choose to let it dissolve or she can act upon it. But I can move on with a clear conscience. She gave up on me and if she wants to get in touch with me she sure knows how. Like I said, though, you can't fight against reality and the nature of things. Sometimes things just aren't meant to work with that person. If you feel like you're forcing anything or going against the natural flow of things then you probably are, and it's not meant to be. I have trust enough in the flow of things in my life to know that I'll end up with who I should end up with. If that's no one, so be it. If it's my ex we'll cross that brige when we get to it. If it's someone else then it's someone else. It's all good ; ) I agree 100% Link to post Share on other sites
Author noleaf Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 maybe you guys are right maybe i would be better leaving it and just seeing what happens. it worries me though sometimes, cos i think 'what if i dont meet anyone else?' I'm not the most stunning girl ever, and i know my ex adored me - what if that was my chance for happiness? Shouldn't i work on it? Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You really can't force anything in life if you truly want it to be real and long-lasting. When you first meet someone things just seem to flow, right? You like him, he likes you, and things just progress naturally. Of course there are times when you have to 'try' and put in work but when you've past that point, which many of us here have, the only thing you can really do is let go and live each moment, every day. If things are meant to be I really do feel like life will show us the way or at least give us a green light. You'll know when you have the green light. It'll just feel right. Thinking "what I don't meet anyone else" is a self-defeating thought. Of course you're going to meet someone else. If you OR your ex think that he was the only one in the world for you then you both are sorely mistaken. Besides, if he isn't the one for you then that means the person who is is still out there. We all can't be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Most of us are just regular. What makes us unique is not our exterior, it's our interior. And from what I have read from your postings you are special and unique. Do not worry about not meeting someone else. That's silly and you're only thinking that way because of the situation that you're in. Link to post Share on other sites
JasonRules Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Personally I think the dumper should initiate contact. The dumpee has probably already made it clear that they didn't want the relationship to end so the onus is on the dumper to make things right. In my case, she was stringing me along for 3 months and I just decided to cease all contact. I wrote a hand written letter, gave it to her, and basically rode off into the sunset. While leaving I did stipulate that we would not have anymore contact (emails, calls, sms) and if she wanted or was ready to have a normal relationship with me, she'll know what to do (ie. call/contact me). So I did leave the door a little open for her. That was approximately 6 weeks ago and I have not heard from her at all. I removed anything that reminds me of her in my place and put it in storage. I removed her phone from my mobile as well. I do not ask about her, nor do I go to the places she hangs out at. Basically, I have disappeared entirely. I have also begun dating again and guess what? It's so nice and refreshing to be going out and actually having a good time without any drama. Ultimately, I will end up with the person I am supposed to be with. I cannot force the issue, not with her or anyone else for that matter. If we are meant to be together then somehow, someway, and sometime our lives will cross paths once again. Link to post Share on other sites
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