He said he never loved me... ???!

[hellon]

Ok so I’m new to this site, and reading about what other folks have gone through has made me feel a little less like a crazy person. But, I’ve been dealing with a breakup that has now lasted longer than the actual relationship, so I could use a some advice… So, here it goes, will try to make a long story as short as possible!

 

5 years ago...

We met. We were instantly attracted and intrigued. We re-connected about a year later, started texting each other everyday, then visited each other a couple of times a year, for about 2 years.

 

Last year...

He paid me a surprise visit, we admitted that we loved each other, and he pretty much never left. He moved in with me, met my family, friended my friends, said he'd never felt about anyone the way he felt about me.

 

Until 6 months later...

He dumped me. We’d had a pretty bad fight- but his reasons for us breaking up were all over the place, and seemed to be unrelated to that... I was devastated.

 

Then…

We kept in contact. After a couple of months, he started to say he missed me, still loved me, regretted leaving, wanted to fix things… we emailed and texted constantly, but I kept my guard up. I still loved him, and always expected he would come back, I just felt like it was up to him to make the move.

 

3 months ago…

He told me he "might" be making a trip to my city, and wanted to know if I still loved him and ever wanted to see him again. I didn’t say “no,” but I didn’t quite say “yes”… After that day, he started pulling away. I sent him messages all the time, but heard from him less and less. Finally he said that I had made him suffer, and that he had moved on, but never really specified what that meant...

 

3 weeks ago…

His new facebook picture pops up on my phone of him… and another girl. I was in shock but confronted him about it. At first he was semi-apologetic, saying he hadn’t known what to say, assumed that I knew, didn’t want to hurt me, partially still loved me, blah blah blah…

The next day, he took it all back- saying he didn't love me at all now, and actually never did.

 

Now…

Well, I am a freaking mess. I have good days and bad days, but I effed-up having a second chance, and I constantly re-live the moments when I could have changed this outcome. I wake up every morning trying to come to terms with the reality of a future without him. But what I really don’t get is why he would say he never loved me… and then I start to wonder if maybe he really didn’t? He's been a part of my life for so long, I really do adore him, and I don't understand how he can write-off the entire thing. I’m completely confused.

 

I’ve thought about writing to him * one last time *… stupid, I know. But because he said that, I'm going crazy feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him, but this other person is… I just want him to take it back, and I also miss his friendship...

 

Thoughts??

Edited April 17, 2011 by hellon
Editing

[stopthemadness]

Ok so I’m new to this site, and reading about what other folks have gone through has made me feel a little less like a crazy person. But, I’ve been dealing with a breakup that has now lasted longer than the actual relationship, so I could use a some advice… So, here it goes, will try to make a long story as short as possible!

5 years ago... We met. We were instantly attracted and intrigued. We re-connected about a year later, and started texting each other everyday, then visited each other a couple of times a year, for about 2 years.

Last year... He paid me a surprise visit, we admitted that we loved each other, and he pretty much never left. He moved in with me, met all my friends, my family, said he'd never felt about anyone the way he felt about me.

 

Until 6 months later... He dumped me. We’d had a pretty bad fight- but his reasons for us breaking up were all over the place, and seemed to be unrelated to that... I was devastated.

 

Then… We kept in contact. After a couple of months, he started to say he missed me, still loved me, regretted leaving, wanted to fix things… we emailed and texted constantly, but I kept my guard up. I still loved him, and always expected he would come back, I just felt like it was up to him to make the move.

 

3 months ago… He told me he "might" be making a trip to my city, and wanted to know if I still loved him and ever wanted to see him again. I didn’t say “no,” but I didn’t quite say “yes”… After that day, he started pulling away. I sent him messages all the time, but heard from him less and less. Finally he said that I had made him suffer, and that he had moved on, but never really specified what that meant...

 

3 weeks ago… His facebook picture pops up on my phone (I de-friended him when we broke up, but it's still somehow connected)- of him… and another girl. I was in shock but confronted him about it. At first he was semi-apologetic, saying he hadn’t known what to say, assumed that I knew, didn’t want to hurt me, partially still loved me, blah blah blah… The next day, he took it all back- saying he didn't love me at all now, and actually never did.

 

Now… Well, I am a freaking mess. I have good days and bad days, but I effed-up having a second chance, and I constantly re-live the moments when I could have changed this outcome. But what I really don’t get is why he would say he never loved me… and then I start to wonder if maybe he really didn’t? He's been a part of my life for so long, I really do adore him, and I don't understand how he can write-off the entire thing. I’m completely confused. And of course, I still miss him...

 

I’ve thought about writing to him * one last time *… stupid, I know. But because he said that, I'm going crazy feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him, but this other person is… I just want him to take it back, and I also miss his friendship...

 

Thoughts??

 

So you hadnt heard from him in 3 months? Then you get a facebook pic of him and his new person? You already know this, but Ill say it for you anyway K. Hes moved on, its over. And with that said..sorry for your heart ache..But it kinda sounds like maybe you saw this comming huh? I know, that dont make it any easier . I too am the dumpee and YES it hurts, but dont contact him anymore. Hes with smone else now soo that makes him taken. My ex is also now with a new person sence late Jan. He lives with her now..I wouldnt even think of contacting him. I just couldnt take anymore rejection from him. My advice is start no contact asap.. as time goes by it will get easier. I know you miss him (me Too) thats normal. Just dont act on it. Call a friend, post on here or go for a walk. Do anything just keep busy. Hang in there..we can do this... AND theres a chat line on here too. Check it out, its helps. I think its under On line chatting to cope...

Edited April 17, 2011 by stopthemadness

[hellon]

Thanks, and of course you're right... time to move on.

I actually had been hearing from him up until that dreaded pic, just not as often. But if I wasn't sure it was over before, I certainly do now, and I'll try not to subject myself to contact. It would be nice to know that after all that time, it wasn't just meaningless to him, but I guess some people just don't have room for the past in their present.

[0hpenelope]

I'm coming back for you too, hellon. I can handle LS in small doses as of late.

[hellon]

Thanks for the support O. Funny, re-reading this post from right after the s*#! hit the fan, I see I really have made some progress. It's been almost 6 weeks to the day now, since we last had contact. It still hurts like crazy, but at least I'm not blaming myself anymore. Now I just need to stop worrying what he's doing/thinking...

[Moutonrose]

hey hellon! I know what you are going threw...he told you he never loved you??? oh my god....men for some reason always try and be as mean as possible...they think by acting this way they push you away further...

 

my ex fiancé did the same thing...instead of telling me in the face he told me the last 2 years of our 7 year relationship were fake...he stopped loving me and decided to fake it so he could spare my feelings...well guess what....I feel worse because of the lies!!! its really hard on someone to be told they didnt love you for that long and it was all fake...makes you feel more like ****...I know how you must be feeling but dont let it get to you...what he told you was cruel...ugh reading your story sure made me got mad...I cannot beleive sometimes the breakup stories I read here...

 

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling but always know you have support here!!!

[giuliano-3]

Ladies, great conversation. One thing I've gotten from this LS experience is not blaming females in general for my situation. Hearing from you all about what the guys have done to you made me realize how its not a gender thing, people hurt other people for no good reason sometimes. I went through a phase thinking all females these days were acting like "princesses" who want everything handed to them without showing true gratitude or having any responsibility.

 

My dad cheated on my mom when I was in her womb. They divorced when I was 3 years old. My mom has still never been able to move on. Hasn't dated anyone in almost 20 years now after dating a guy or two before that. Her seething hatred of men in general is palpable. Its prevented her from having a companion in her "golden years." Now 61 years old, she is dying of cancer and I'm all she's got. I love this woman, she is beautiful inside and out. We had a wonderful day today, every moment I get to spend with her is a blessing. I just wish she'd been able to move on from blaming men for her problems. Her life would have been much easier.

 

I know a lot of us are d-bags and do very questionable things. Men and women do not process emotions the same way, and shouldn't. The differences between us are why nature binds us together. The yin and yang. Cheers to you all on Mother's Day - take care!!!

[hellon]

Mrose, I'm sorry, what a d-bag! Your ex had no spine, and even if he told you and himself that he was trying to spare your feelings, he was really just sparing his own. Spineless. Also, to say to someone "I stopped loving you" or "I never loved you at all" is so unnecessarily cruel, and cut and dry.

 

My ex never had a kind word to say about any of his previous GF's, and never wanted to talk past relationships in general... I think that what he, and a lot of other men do, is convince themselves once each relationship is over and they've moved-on to the next, that they never had "real" feelings in the previous one. Hence all the "I've never felt this way about anyone"s in the honeymoon stage of things. So now my ex has added me to that list. I should've seen it as a giant red flag then, but it is definitely one I will never ignore in the future- If I ever manage to start dating again, it will NOT be with someone who can't be open and honest and positive about their previous relationships! In a way, I feel sorry for him. Despite what he says, I know that what we had was a very real and beautiful thing, for a long time. In vilifying me, he is denying himself years of happy memories, and that is just sad.

 

But G-3 is right, men and women can both be equally awful, in their own ways, and we just have different ways of dealing with/processing things. It's going to be hard, but I know that I for one need to work to not let this betrayal define the rest of my life, and my opinion of men. I want to be happy, damnit! And G, your mama is lucky to have someone who appreciates her as much as you obviously do.