How to get over an ex thats with someone else?

[donelly1]

I have posted up a couple of other times on the forums about my situation. About a week and a half ago my gf of 2 years broke up with me we are on and off long distance and the last time I saw her was 3 months ago. Its a long story but the short of it is that we broke up and are doing NC. Just 2 weeks ago to me it seemed like everything was fine. We were talking a few times a day and sending corny love messages back and forth like usual. It hit me like a ton of bricks when she wanted a break and I was so surprised. Part of the reason I moved across the world was to be closer to her.

 

Lately Im having such a hard time coping with the situation. Its caught me by surprise and Im not sure what to do. I know I need to keep busy and be social to keep my mind off of her but its hard because im in a new city where I dont know anyone.

 

I went out with a co worker last night to the bar and had a few drinks but that was a horrible idea. Once I had a alcohol it made me think of her 100X more. I just couldnt stop thinking about how she is with this other guy. The thought of them dancing, kissing, screwing each other is just driving me insane! I cant believe that after everything we have gone through together she has fallen for some other guy. It really is just unbelievable for me to think that she is with someone else and sometimes I feel like this is all just a bad dream. I know with time it will get better but does anyone have any advice for me to get over her?

 

I know the most important thing is to stay active but its hard for me to be active and social when I have been here a few weeks and dont know anyone. I have started running early every morning and stuff but I still feel messed up. I really wanna move on and i will not contact her but Im always thinking about her. What should I do to get through this?

Edited April 17, 2011 by donelly1

[DollyGirl12]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just keep reading the posts here for support and ideas.

Yeah, drinking can make things so much worse. I'm not a big drinker but I made sure to have nothing at all to drink for the first several months after I ended things with my ex. I had alot of anger for what he had done to me and I didn't want to find myself ringing him to tell him off. He didn't deserve that attention and I didn't want to come off as nutty.

One baby step at a time. It's not something you just get over. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. As hard as it may be at time, we have to walk through the pain, not around it. That's the key to real healing. And you will feel a mix of emotions. One day sadness, depression, the next anger, the next you might feel like you have gotten over it, then you go back to one of the other feelings. Perfectly normal and don't feel like there is something wrong with you because you were starting to feel "good" and then you are back at pain or depression. We are all human beings and we all have feelings.

Talk to your friends, family, post on here, go for a walk, write your feelings down(but don't send them to her).

Hang in there!!

[donelly1]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just keep reading the posts here for support and ideas.

Yeah, drinking can make things so much worse. I'm not a big drinker but I made sure to have nothing at all to drink for the first several months after I ended things with my ex. I had alot of anger for what he had done to me and I didn't want to find myself ringing him to tell him off. He didn't deserve that attention and I didn't want to come off as nutty.

One baby step at a time. It's not something you just get over. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. As hard as it may be at time, we have to walk through the pain, not around it. That's the key to real healing. And you will feel a mix of emotions. One day sadness, depression, the next anger, the next you might feel like you have gotten over it, then you go back to one of the other feelings. Perfectly normal and don't feel like there is something wrong with you because you were starting to feel "good" and then you are back at pain or depression. We are all human beings and we all have feelings.

QUOTE]

 

Yeah I appreciate the advice. That is exactly how it is though. I feel like somedays Im totally over it and then other days its super difficult. I know with time it will get better. Its just amazing to me though that she is acting how she is. Even if I saw an extremely beautiful girl with a great personality that wanted to date me right now I couldnt date her. I would be thinking about my ex. I guess thats what really is confusing to me is how can she be with this other guy only a couple weeks after we broke up with a 2 year relationship. It can possible be more than a few weeks shes been with this guy since they didnt know each other until that time. How can she not be thinking about me when being with him? I guess I just felt more for her than she did for me even though I really trusted that she loved me.

I really think that one of these days I will be getting a phone call from her or something after she gets out of her rebound thing and has some time back to her normal life here in Japan away from the study abroad. Part of me really wants to hear from here but I know that really, even if I did hear from her and she desperatly wanted me back that no matter what she says it will never change what happend. It wont change that she disrepected me and acted selfish. My head tells me its nuts to take her back and that I shouldnt even if she wanted to at some point, but feeling wise I just miss her so much.

This whole situation would be a lot easier too if I was in my home country with access to family and friends rather than starting off in a foriegn country.

[radiodarcy]

i hear you. i'm at 5 weeks of NC and am also riding that roller coaster of emotions. where there are days when i feel great and am glad he is out of my life and then there are days when i lie in bed and do nothing but think about him and his new flame. i guess it's all part of the healing process but it's still frustrating that i'm barely a blip on his radar while he continues to occupy way too much of my head space.

 

that being said, i have noticed that the pining and the wondering is getting less frequent. i've been able to focus on my own interests and enjoy spending time with my friends and family. you're lucky you're in a foreign country. now is the time for you to explore. get to know your surroundings. focus on the culture. i haven't traveled in awhile. but one of my favorite things to do is discovering new places. the more you start to find your way around the more confidence you'll build. which will help you meet new people.

 

it's only been two weeks. it's going to take time to move on from this but you will. just be patient with yourself and continue to post here. and as DollyGirl12 said, steer clear of the alcohol as it's a depressant. i'm not much of a drinker. but i had one too many jello shooters at a party (which for me wasnt a lot!) came home and did nothing but cry over him. i didn't think it was possible to feel any worse than i already did. so yeah -- after that, i stay away from the alcohol.

[donelly1]

It helps me a lot to hear from both of you. It is really a crazy experience for me since it's my first big break up. It feels like a roller coaster like you were saying. More than anything I'm just so surprised she left me, but I know that I really need to move on. I really shouldn't even take her back even if she eventually ends up contacting me. I think she might be thinking that she can get back with me when she comes back to Japan but really I shouldn't get back with her.

 

Yeah I definitely will stay away from drinking for awhile. It's amazing how much that just makes everything worse. I'm really pushing myself to go out and meet people. I am in a huge city, and I know there are opportunities. Last weekend I ended up kind of stumbling on this party that was alright. there were lots of Japanese girls there thought I was cute and came up and started talking to me I ended up getting 3 numbers that night but I really don't feel like calling any of them cause I feel like I'm still not over my ex. There's no way I feel like I can start another relationship at this point. That's what amazes me though is that my ex already has apparently! Its weird though because when I was on my email and skype today I noticed that she still has all these pictures up of her and I together. I bloked her on facebook and I'm doing NC but I didn't want to delete her alltogether from my skype or email because someday (maybe years from now) I do wanna be friends with her.

 

There is definitely a lot of opportunity for me being here but right now I just feel like thoughts of the break up are totally clouding my thinking. It's good to know that it will get better with time. Im really trying hard to forget about her. It's really making my job difficult because it's hard to concentrate because every free second seems to be occupied thinking about her. I guess the only thing that really can be done is just to be patient and wait it out.

 

radiodarcy if it helps, I would like to hear more about your story. How long was the relationship? It seems like we are both going through similar situations if you are in week 5 of NC and I am in week 2 of NC.

 

It really helps me so much to talk about it on these forums so I appreciate all the feedback from everyone.

[9Lives]

the best way to get over it is to hate her fking guts!!!! rip her out of your heart and stomp her in the face real hard like a cockroach!!!! all this nicey nicey stuff is for the birds. Get mid-evil and you will start to feel better. Buy a voo-doo doll and poke it over and over again to get the pain out of you.

 

I know people will say im crazy but i got so tired of being nice and soft and warm about something that was breaking my heart and killing me!!! I felt like I was dying a long painful so death day in and day out...When I got mad about it and stop acting like a punk....I got over it much quicker.

[donelly1]

Yeah of course I feel some anger towards her but I also had great times with her. I could act super pissed and hate her, but really I am glad that I had the time I did with her than not meeting her at all. Im really pissed off at her for choosing another guy but than after thinking about it I realized that the person that I loved would never do that so she must have changed. It's gut wrenching to think that she is sleeping with another guy, but by hating her and being angry I feel like I am wasting my energy on her. The person I loved might as well be dead, because I will never get that girl back and even if by some very small chance we got together it would never be the same after knowing what she did with other guys while I was missing her. I couldn't get back together with her. I realize it's over and I genuinely just want to move on. That's the hard part though because I know what I should do and what I should think but I still have so many feelings for her and keep dreaming about her.

 

More than anything I really want to just move on and forget about the whole situation. It takes a lot of focus to keep my mind off of her. I know she is not worth the time and energy to think about, and to be honest there were things about the relationship that I wasn't happy about myself. I really want to move on and I realize that it is over. Still I just have so many thoughts all the time about her. Everyone has been saying it will get better with time. I believe that but really it's been about 2 weeks now and I still don't feel better.

 

I know it's different for everyone but how long will the break up last? I was together with her for almost 2 years and she was my first real relationship. I want the break up pain to be over now and I'm trying very hard to keep busy, active, and confident, but still I dream about her and think about her. Anyone have any experience as to when things start getting better?

[WorldIsYours]

Best way is just to maintain NC and keep on living. It's going to hurt but there's always pain before you heal.

[donelly1]

Yeah sometimes I really do think that trying not to think about it makes it worst.

 

Last night I was really haveing second thoughts about everything. I really feel bad for defriending her on my facebook. The reason I did it was because I didnt want her statuses and photos to be popping up, and I want to move on but it feels like Im so disconnected from her now.

The first week when we were on the break wasnt so bad now that I think about it because every once and awhile she did send me messages. Eventually though I felt like I was getting played because here she is with a new guy but she can still talk to me and check up on me. A week ago from now I wrote her an email saying that the break was strange for me and that it was probably best if we just broke up. I told her that we should do NC and so far she has been doing that. So this last week has been very difficult cause really it is the first REAL week of NC and also the first week that we are really broken up.

 

Yeah I have dreams about her too which really get to me. Im staying busy with my life here as much as I can but somehow thoughts of her always keep popping up in my head. Just all the memories and times that we shared together and little things about her like cute expressions she would make Just the realization that she really is gone is difficult. Im just amazed that she has moved on so fast I guess more than anything because although I would like to, I sure feel like I havent.

 

Even though I know I should never get back together with her part of me is always wishing and waiting for her to contact me. I feel like if I had kept her as a friend on facebook maybe we would still have a chance together when she comes back to the same city as me in a few weeks. Part of me also feels like someday I will definitly hear from her but that will probably be awhile from now when I have moved on and Im doing fine again!

 

We were together for almost 2 years and I was her first for a lot of things including her first long term relationship. She was always so in love with me that it just boggels me mind that she seems totally uninterested in me anymore. Its just amazing to me that she can just throw it all away. It seems like such a waste to me.

 

Last night I was thinking so much that I really wanted to call her. After reading everything on here though I know that I absolutly can not do it. I feel like if I can just talk to her that we can really set things straight and that I will have a clear picture on what is going on and know for sure if she wants to end it. ironically I was the one to send her the message that we should break up. She wanted a break which is bascially the same but she still wanted to talk to me and maybe get back together in a month and said she didnt want to break up. I didnt want to be that saftey net for her just waiting to see what she decideds to do which is why I defriended broke up and did NC but sometimes I feel like I did some irreversable damage and that there really isnt hope for the future in this relationship. Shes gonna be here in a few weeks in the same city. I feel like I should maybe call her in a couple weeks or so and try and meet up with her in person to talk things over. Would that be a bad idea?

[radiodarcy]

radiodarcy if it helps, I would like to hear more about your story. How long was the relationship? It seems like we are both going through similar situations if you are in week 5 of NC and I am in week 2 of NC.

 

It really helps me so much to talk about it on these forums so I appreciate all the feedback from everyone.

 

hi donnelly1. i'm glad to see that you're taking steps to move on by going out and exploring. i need to take my own advice. but there's not much to do in suburban virginia. and i'm more of a homebody anyway. to answer your question, what he and i had wasn't a relationship but a fwb situation. we had been friends and co-workers for about 3 years. it started out as dating but then settled into fwb that last off and on for about two and a half years. nevertheless i fell for him and wanted a relationship with him more than anything. but he refused to give it to me. saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. i should have walked then but at 32 i was a late bloomer; he was my first everything in terms of love and sex. and i (naively) thought that if i hung in there he'd see how much i cared and come around.

 

anyway, in september of 2010 he broke off the benefits part of the friendship. and then two months later he told me he was ready for a relationship and would be setting up profile on dating websites to find "the one". needless to say i didn't take the news well. we had a big blow up and i went NC for close to three months. but eventually i gave into his breadcrumbs and resumed contact, thinking i could handle being friends again. was i ever wrong.

 

all he could talk about was finding a gf and how badly he wanted one. he would tell me whenever he had a date lined up and fill me in on the details the next day. he even forwarded me the profiles of girls who had hit him up. it was torture. i put up with it for a few days and then went back to NC. i knew that sooner or later he would find a gf and that would be more than i could handle. not to mention he would have thrown me overboard soon after that anyway.

 

i understand your anxiety about cutting ties with your ex when you deleted her off fb. right after i told my ex that i was going NC again he called me - - i didnt pick up and i deleted the vm he left me. and i beat myself up over it for awhile. i thought: "what if he was calling to give me that chance i wanted? and i blew it by ignoring him?" but really, if he had been calling to tell me that - - he would have done everything in his power to make sure i got that message. seeing as i never heard from him again after that phone call - - i'm pretty sure that wasnt the gist of the message he left. it's like they say here on LS, unless your ex is banging down your door, it's best not to assume anything.

 

in your case, your ex did leave a door open in saying she needed a break and not a break up. so - - i don't see how having a face to face conversation with her would be a bad idea. if anything it might help you to get some things off of your chest and get the closure you need to move on. but keep in mind - - there is no such thing as absolute closure. there are always going to be unanswered questions that i don't think either of you will be able to answer. i wrote several e-mails to my ex in the past two years -- trying to get answers as to why he wouldn't give me a chance. i never really go much of a response, let alone an answer. and finally i had to learn to give myself closure on my own terms. so i hope if you do decide to talk to her - - you'll go in there armed with getting something out of it that will help *you*.

Edited April 22, 2011 by radiodarcy

[donelly1]

Sorry to hear about your situation radiodarcy. Yeah that is really similar though to how I am feeling. On one hand I feel like I need to move on but also I think maybe if I had just givin it some time and kept on friend terms with her that maybe when she is here things would go back to how they were. The distance more than anything is what really messed my relationship up. I feel kind of guilty because I really think that if we were together with each other things would never have gotten so out of control and we would not have broken up. There is only so much I can do that I am on the other side of the world right now.

 

Im just so confused about what she must be thinking. I feel like she really is a different person, and Im just so amazed at how fast it all ended. We were together for almost 2 years and had a really close relationship, and after one weekend I get that email before work saying "we need to take a break". Its just unbelievable to me that she hasnt called or messaged me or anything. three weeks ago I was skyping her talking for hours joking and everything like normal and we were sending love messages back and forth like usual and then out of nowhere she says she wants a break. She said she was feeling distant from me and that her feelings for me had changed. Im so confused though because she will be in the same city as me in only a few weeks. I talked with her and said said we shouldnt make any huge decisions now and talk about it in a month when we are together but she said she just wanted space.

 

It hurts like crazy to know that she has another guy and is always drinking and staying over at his place. During the day I really try not to think about it but I have dreams about it all the time. Its been about 2 weeks now and I really dont feel like much has changed since we broke up. Im still obsessivly thinking about it and wondering what the hell happend with us. I know I need to get out and be social and worry about myself but right now I just feel like Im running on empty.

[9Lives]

Well Don, that is why anger was a better choice for me rather than feeling sorry for myself. It just kept me stuck in sadness while he was having a ball completely enjoying his life. . The pain just seem to linger and I got sick of it. When I got mad about it...I started to get stronger and feel better.

 

to each his own. I hope you feel better soon.

[donelly1]

Yeah 9lives Interestingly enough I actually tried doing what you were talking about. I tried to get angry at her and be pissed off and of course I am a little bit. Also I know that I wasnt totally happy with the relationship. There were things about her that I wasnt totally happy with and I wrote all of them out on a huge list of paper. I felt so crappy though when I looked over all of the things on the list. It really didnt make me personally feel better and actually it made me feel worse. I started realizing that yeah she does have lots of flaws just like anyone else but that those flaws were part of what made her who she is. I didnt love her for just the good things. The bad things are part of what made her who she was and I loved her. So my own exercise kinda backfired on me....

 

So to make a long story short for me personally trying to generate more anger towards her didnt work but like you said to each his own. So far it has been week 1 of NC for me so the break up is still pretty fresh. I know I definitly got my love goggles on for her still but I am so ready to take them off. I really wanna move on and I cant wait to. In my mind, after a lot of reflection on the relationship, and thinking about the big picture this break up is actually a good thing to happen to me. The problem is even though I know that I dont emotionally feel like that and Im still so obsessed about her and think about her, dream about her and miss her 24/7. It really is best for me to move on but part of me is really hoping she will contact me. I know that time will help me get over it but Im just hopin it will be sooner than later.

[radiodarcy]

Sorry to hear about your situation radiodarcy. Yeah that is really similar though to how I am feeling. On one hand I feel like I need to move on but also I think maybe if I had just givin it some time and kept on friend terms with her that maybe when she is here things would go back to how they were. The distance more than anything is what really messed my relationship up. I feel kind of guilty because I really think that if we were together with each other things would never have gotten so out of control and we would not have broken up. There is only so much I can do that I am on the other side of the world right now.

 

Im just so confused about what she must be thinking. I feel like she really is a different person, and Im just so amazed at how fast it all ended. We were together for almost 2 years and had a really close relationship, and after one weekend I get that email before work saying "we need to take a break". Its just unbelievable to me that she hasnt called or messaged me or anything. three weeks ago I was skyping her talking for hours joking and everything like normal and we were sending love messages back and forth like usual and then out of nowhere she says she wants a break. She said she was feeling distant from me and that her feelings for me had changed. Im so confused though because she will be in the same city as me in only a few weeks. I talked with her and said said we shouldnt make any huge decisions now and talk about it in a month when we are together but she said she just wanted space.

 

It hurts like crazy to know that she has another guy and is always drinking and staying over at his place. During the day I really try not to think about it but I have dreams about it all the time. Its been about 2 weeks now and I really dont feel like much has changed since we broke up. Im still obsessivly thinking about it and wondering what the hell happend with us. I know I need to get out and be social and worry about myself but right now I just feel like Im running on empty.

 

thanks donnelly. i am in the same boat as you. it's been 7 weeks and i still continue to dream about him - - only the dreams are becoming less frequent and more random. on night i dreamt i went on a vacation with him and his ex wife - - who i've never even met! (go figure).

 

one thing i would suggest is to try to stop speculating about what she's thinking. if she's changed as much as she has - - there's no way you're really going to know anyway. and knowing why doesn't change anything. trust me, i used to pace around my apartment for hours trying to figure out every little word and gesture that he would throw my way all is did was drive me craaaazy. once i accepted that all the speculation in the world wasn't going to change facts, i forced myself to stop. so anytime i started to think "what if i had answered the phone that last time?" or "what if he's lying in bed right now with the woman of his dreams?" i firmly tell myself "there's nothing i can do about it". because really, there isn't. and i'm afraid there's nothing you can do as well. it's all part of the healing process. in an odd way, i've found that accepting the fact that i have no power over the relationship has helped me heal. now i'm not chasing my tail in circles over the what-ifs.

 

and try not to beat yourself up about it being two weeks. two weeks is not a lot of time to heal - - esp after a 2 year relationship. you will find that healing moves verrryyy slooowly. it's been almost 7 weeks for me and there are time when i still find myself thinking abt him more than i like. but lately it's more along the lines of trying to remind myself of the bad times and why i should be glad to have him out of my life

 

don't worry about going out and being social. if you're not ready you're not ready. there are times when i want to go out and be around people and there are times when i want to be left alone. but i do try to balance it out. it's not healthy to stay inside all the time. i would suggest you do the same. even if it's just by yourself.

 

take yesterday for example - - it was a gorgeous sunny day out and i found myself starting to think "he's probably out with his new gf now. enjoying the weather" but just as quickly i said the myself "yeah so? they don't own the weather. this day is just as much for me to enjoy as it is for them!" and i'll be damned if i did just that!

 

because really - - the more we sit around and obsess about our exes the more we give them the power to make us miserable.

 

hey - - i'm not saying that i'm never going to have another sleepless night, pacing my apt and thinking about him. but over time, i'm learning how to balance those feelings out so that they're not consuming me 24/7. and you will to. now it's too raw and that's completely understandable. but give it time - - continue to get your feelings out here and just accept that as with any recovery you will have your setbacks. but you'll also have breakthroughs as well

Edited April 25, 2011 by radiodarcy

[donelly1]

Yeah I am anticipating that it is gonna take awhile. However something today happend that was unexpected. Im not sure it is good either. My mother is good friends with my ex. She sent her an email not too long ago just being friendly and talking about stuff. She got a long email though back from my ex about me and her. I feel bad that my mom is caught up in things now. Its kind of childish but I was surprised by the info she told me. Apprently my ex told her the reasons for the breakup, which were kind of unclear to me.

 

She said that she thought that I wasnt very serious about our relationship and thats why she wanted a break. She said that she never thought that I would leave her so quickly. She said that she did the break because she wanted me to have time apart from her to really appreciate her and think about the relationship and that she did want to get back together. She was really sad that I decided to break up with her and said she didnt expect that I would, which is why she did the break.

 

So right now I am totally lost on what to do. Here I was waiting and hoping for her to call me back and I figure if she was serious she would contact me. The messed up thing is though if my ex is thinking the same thing about me than there is no way we are gonna talk. I am serious about her and I wanna let her know. I wanna just send her a short message saying how I was serious about us and how we should meet up when she is back in my city in a few weeks.

 

On one hand after seeing what she wrote I feel like I have made a tremendous mistake in going totally no contact. Maybe I should just send a short message to her?

 

What should I do?!!

[radiodarcy]

hmm - - that is strange that she would tell your mom about all this and not you. it sounds like there is a major breakdown in communication between you and her that has been in play long before the break up. you can send her a short message but given the fact that she told all this to your mom and not you - - writing it may prove to be a little awkward. i'm not sure if she told your mom all of this hoping she would tell you or if it was said in confidence.

 

what i would do is send her a quick text or e-mail along the lines of "looking forward to seeing you when you come into town next weekend. want to grab a drink and talk?" and see how she responds. at least this way your reaching out but your not letting on that you know about any of the other stuff she said. at any rate, i wouldn't bring up the email conversation she had with your mom until you meet face to face. those are some pretty heavy issues that need to be discussed in person.

 

good luck!

[NoLifeKing]

I feel for you man, going thru something similar except she left me after 2.5 years of dating to be in a LDR with some older guy who lives 1000 miles away

 

full story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275093/

 

I know it hurts imagining them together and stuff...trust me i know what its like not being able to sleep at night wondering what they talk about and do when they are together

 

just stick with NC. dont fall for the same traps I did. only talk to her when enough time has passed by and she is genuinely reaching out to you instead of just freeing herself of some guilt.

[Chi townD]

Still doesn't change the fact that she's in a relationship with a new guy. Just how serious was she about you if she went ahead and did that? Did she tell your mom about this new guy? To me, she's leading a trail of breadcrumbs and they lead right up to your mom. What, like she doesn't know you and your mother talk?

[Am4Real]

Yeah I am anticipating that it is gonna take awhile. However something today happend that was unexpected. Im not sure it is good either. My mother is good friends with my ex. She sent her an email not too long ago just being friendly and talking about stuff. She got a long email though back from my ex about me and her. I feel bad that my mom is caught up in things now. Its kind of childish but I was surprised by the info she told me. Apprently my ex told her the reasons for the breakup, which were kind of unclear to me.

 

She said that she thought that I wasnt very serious about our relationship and thats why she wanted a break. She said that she never thought that I would leave her so quickly. She said that she did the break because she wanted me to have time apart from her to really appreciate her and think about the relationship and that she did want to get back together. She was really sad that I decided to break up with her and said she didnt expect that I would, which is why she did the break.

 

So right now I am totally lost on what to do. Here I was waiting and hoping for her to call me back and I figure if she was serious she would contact me. The messed up thing is though if my ex is thinking the same thing about me than there is no way we are gonna talk. I am serious about her and I wanna let her know. I wanna just send her a short message saying how I was serious about us and how we should meet up when she is back in my city in a few weeks.

 

On one hand after seeing what she wrote I feel like I have made a tremendous mistake in going totally no contact. Maybe I should just send a short message to her?

 

What should I do?!!

 

If what she told your Mother were fact she would have told you the same thing – probably with a little anger attached. Instead she has a new boyfriend, right, so I'm somewhat suspicious? Sounds like she is playing your Mom a little to keep in good graces.

 

If she is being truthful with your Mom and does feel that way, then she should act on it and go to you.

 

If you call her or move on this knowledge it will make you appear wishy-washy.

 

Believe me, if she loves you enough she will come to you and nothing will stand in her way…for the moment there is a new BF between you and herm meaning she has to make that change first.

[donelly1]

I appreciate all the advice you guys are great! Im in a foreign country where no one speaks english so its great to have input on my situation. I am really glad that I havent sent anything to her and maintained the NC. I agree with a lot of the comments and think that overall she is probably just trying to ward of some of her guilt for being the one to end the relationship. Of course she knew that the info would get back to me because she told my mom, and since I am on the other side of the world I do talk to my parents often. Also its right that I really cant trust anything that she said.

 

She is very young though (just turned 21) so maybe that is also part of the problem. She isnt mature enough to look at the big picture and see all the actions I have taken that show that I am serious about us. She wanted more time towards the end of her study abroad, so I gave her that space, and then a few weeks later she says she doesnt know me anymore and that we need to take a break, but I was purposely not talking to her cause she didnt want to be skyping for hours on a friday night. I tried to play all my cards right, but hey sometimes things happen. I feel like the long distance is what really destroyed things overall.

 

She is gonna be in my city in a few weeks. Right now she has her last 2 weeks of school and then will be visiting with a girlfriend of hers before coming back here. All of your advice is great and yes I wont contact her or send her any messages regarding the letter she sent my mom awhile back. The ball really is in her court now. I dont wanna have any false hopes of us getting back together which is why I wanna stay NC. Still I think since she will be here in a few weeks maybe it would be good to meet up with her to clear things up. I would let her initiate it though.

 

Recently here I got a cell phone but she doesnt have my number or anything. I really just wanna send her a short message to give her that number so she can contact me if she wants to. I havent sent it because I feel like most people would not recommend that I send it... In any case I wouldnt have to do that right now. Maybe closer to when she leaves I should send the message though. I feel like if we met up in person a lot it would help a lot, but then again it may be pretty damaging. In any case I will let her be the one to initiate it.

[donelly1]

Yeah it is crazy that after I have shown with actions that I am serious that she doesnt think I am. Theres not much I can do though and its up to her. One of the reasons I moved over here was to be with her but it definitly wasnt the main reason. The biggest reason is that I wanted to do something adventerous with my life and get out of my po-dunk state. I accomplished that and now I am living in Tokyo. Unfortunatly though it has just been crazy timeing and it hasnt been "fun" at all yet.

With the earthquakes, the new stressful job in a new city/country, power outages, and the break up I dont feel like I have much time let alone energy to do anything. Sometimes I feel like my life is just a crazy movie. Still I always try to remain optimistic and I know so many other poeple have life way worse than me.

 

Also yesterday my boss here had a very serious talk with me for about an hour. He is so disappointed with my performance and so that is stressing me out like crazy. He was really serious asking me if I had some kind of mental condition because I was forgeting where things were and stuff and acting spacy sometimes at work.

 

He kept asking what was up so I finally told him that I am going through a break up and that although I know its over and wanna move on that it is on my mind all the time. He was outraged by that and was saying that I need to leave those thoughts at the door when I come in and that it wasnt a good enough excuse for my bad performance the last couple weeks. I knew that he wouldnt like to hear that but it is the truth, the break up only happend a couple weeks ago, and this was my first long term gf.

 

Right now I think I need to focus solely on work. Its my first big break up and I wish I was in high school or Uni so I could have more time to process it but the reality is i am in a profesional job and work a lot so I dont have that time. I just have to keep positive and imagine that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard though because all I do is work I dont feel like I have a chance to meet people really.

 

Mentally I am done with my ex but I know that I will still probably be emotionally attached for awhile. I really wanna move on and find someone else. Sometimes it does seem though that maybe I wont find someone else. That thought scares the crap out of me, but it is a possibility. Eventually I know I probably will but how long will it be? If it takes a year or so that could be extremely hard. I am a very independent person but I am also really social and I miss having someone to always talk to and do stuff with.

 

Yeah I wont contact her or give her my cell number. This really needs to end now. After that serious talk with my boss now its a "life threatening" situation to stop thinking about her because doing so could get me fired ultimatly.

[radiodarcy]

Yeah it is crazy that after I have shown with actions that I am serious that she doesnt think I am. Theres not much I can do though and its up to her. One of the reasons I moved over here was to be with her but it definitly wasnt the main reason. The biggest reason is that I wanted to do something adventerous with my life and get out of my po-dunk state. I accomplished that and now I am living in Tokyo. Unfortunatly though it has just been crazy timeing and it hasnt been "fun" at all yet.

With the earthquakes, the new stressful job in a new city/country, power outages, and the break up I dont feel like I have much time let alone energy to do anything. Sometimes I feel like my life is just a crazy movie. Still I always try to remain optimistic and I know so many other poeple have life way worse than me.

 

Also yesterday my boss here had a very serious talk with me for about an hour. He is so disappointed with my performance and so that is stressing me out like crazy. He was really serious asking me if I had some kind of mental condition because I was forgeting where things were and stuff and acting spacy sometimes at work.

 

He kept asking what was up so I finally told him that I am going through a break up and that although I know its over and wanna move on that it is on my mind all the time. He was outraged by that and was saying that I need to leave those thoughts at the door when I come in and that it wasnt a good enough excuse for my bad performance the last couple weeks. I knew that he wouldnt like to hear that but it is the truth, the break up only happend a couple weeks ago, and this was my first long term gf.

 

Right now I think I need to focus solely on work. Its my first big break up and I wish I was in high school or Uni so I could have more time to process it but the reality is i am in a profesional job and work a lot so I dont have that time. I just have to keep positive and imagine that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard though because all I do is work I dont feel like I have a chance to meet people really.

 

Mentally I am done with my ex but I know that I will still probably be emotionally attached for awhile. I really wanna move on and find someone else. Sometimes it does seem though that maybe I wont find someone else. That thought scares the crap out of me, but it is a possibility. Eventually I know I probably will but how long will it be? If it takes a year or so that could be extremely hard. I am a very independent person but I am also really social and I miss having someone to always talk to and do stuff with.

 

Yeah I wont contact her or give her my cell number. This really needs to end now. After that serious talk with my boss now its a "life threatening" situation to stop thinking about her because doing so could get me fired ultimatly.

 

yikes! i know that conversation only too well. shortly before i went back to NC -- i got a stern 30-day warning from my boss back in march because she wasn't happy w/ my performance. this is my first breakup and first love as well. i didn't tell her that though. (i know it's too late to say this now, but it probably wasn't a good idea to mention the break up to your boss. i would have just left it with the stress of the earthquake, being in a new town, etc. my experience with the work world is that anytime you give out specific personal info like that it can come back to bite you. but - - lesson learned)

 

but anyway that 30 day warning was a HUGE wake up call. it really made me re-assess my priorities. i knew the reason my work performance was poor was because i was so pre-occupied with him. as far as i was concerned i had lost enough sleep, appetite and sanity in all this - - i sure as hell wasn't going to lose my job over it! not to mention i have a bills, rent, and basset hound and two cats that eat their weight in food. there is no way i can afford to lose my job. no individual is worth that. and really - - being thrown overboard for someone else may be beyond my control but losing my job isn't! that was when i realized that as much as i thought i had lost at that point - - i had so much more to lose. i went strict NC after that and got crackin'! within two weeks my boss said she noticed a marked improvement in my work and that she was very happy. and - - it's past 30 days and i'm still here

 

you can and will get there too. you're doing the right thing in resigning yourself not to contact her. it will only hurt you if you do. good luck -- you'll get there.

[donelly1]

Wow yeah sounds like you have been in pretty much the same situation! Yeah I know I was pretty hesitant to tell him about it. I didnt for so long, but he kept asking what was going on so finally I did. Of course he didnt like it but it is the truth of why things are going downhill. Still I reassured him that I am moving past it and that I am done with her. I didnt get a 30 day notice but it was basically like that. I was making stupid mistakes and I know it was cause my mind was occupied with her.

 

I have been keeping up with the NC and things have been getting better though I noticed today. It isnt as bad this week as the last two weeks have been. I think most of all it is because of that wake up call similar to your situation. I cant let her ruin my life cause its just not worth it at all to lose my job over thinking about her. In a way maybe it is good because it is forcing me to not think about it.

 

This weekend I am thinking that I will force myself to go out to some bars and try and meet some new people. I just need to de-tox from the break up. I am not looking for a relationship so soon but it would be nice to meet some new people. Well see how it goes tonight.

[nana841121]

Have faith in yourself

You are experiencing an emotional hurricane

and right now you can do nothing about it

But the hurricane will blow away itself, not you.

Give it a little more time

when you are out of the hurricane, you will become a stronger man:p

[radiodarcy]

Wow yeah sounds like you have been in pretty much the same situation! Yeah I know I was pretty hesitant to tell him about it. I didnt for so long, but he kept asking what was going on so finally I did. Of course he didnt like it but it is the truth of why things are going downhill. Still I reassured him that I am moving past it and that I am done with her. I didnt get a 30 day notice but it was basically like that. I was making stupid mistakes and I know it was cause my mind was occupied with her.

 

I have been keeping up with the NC and things have been getting better though I noticed today. It isnt as bad this week as the last two weeks have been. I think most of all it is because of that wake up call similar to your situation. I cant let her ruin my life cause its just not worth it at all to lose my job over thinking about her. In a way maybe it is good because it is forcing me to not think about it.

 

This weekend I am thinking that I will force myself to go out to some bars and try and meet some new people. I just need to de-tox from the break up. I am not looking for a relationship so soon but it would be nice to meet some new people. Well see how it goes tonight.

 

 

that is odd that your boss kept pressuring you to tell him what was going on. maybe he figured it was abt a girl all along and was waiting for you to confirm so he could knock some sense into you in which case - - it worked!

 

don't get me wrong i know that losing your job can happen at any time - - whether it's within your control or not (esp in this economy). but in our case - - if we can control it, all the more power to us - - and it will help distract us from thinking abt our exes - - double score!

 

of course - - that's not to say that i don't think about ex at all anymore - - i still think about him quite a bit. but gradually i'm learning to replace those feelings with my own interests and activities - - whether it's calling up a friend to hang out, reading a book, going to a movie (even if it's by myself), or taking a drive with the windows down and the music blaring. it doesn't take much to make me happy

 

good luck with this weekend. meeting new people is always a good thing. it will help boost your confidence and make you feel less lonely. it may even help you make some contacts with people - - male or female - - that you could hang out with on a regular basis. which would be great.