How to get over an ex thats with someone else?

[donelly1]

I had an interesting experience today. This weekend I did go out and I managed to get a few numbers. I was feeling great last night that I had met some cool people, got numbers, and even lined up some dates for the next day. Today I went on a couple casual dates. I feel bad though and I think Im gonna really take some time to just be bymyself. The dates I had today went great and both the girls actually asked me if I could meet up next week. The problem is I was just so unattracted to either of them. They are both a lot more physically attractive than my ex, but I just miss her and her personality.

 

After the 2nd date today I went to an internet cafe and was feeling just sick, I was just wishing I could be on a date with her than either of those girls. I actually bawled at my booth in the internet cafe just missing her and then I started laughing at myself a little when I realized what an emotional mess I was.

 

I know that it is probably still to soon to date for me. It is now week 3 of NC with me and my Ex after about a 2 year relationship. It just bugs me though that she is able to be with another guy when here Im trying to push myself to date again and I cant because I just think about her. Im just so surprised that she can date someone and not feel what I am feeling.

 

I know its not a great idea to be dating so soon after a breakup and that it isnt fair for the other person involved. Im gonna stop dating but it bugs me because of the lonlieness. Time bymyself is probably good though. The best for me would be to hang out with friends but Im still working on that since I have been here only a month and dont speak the langauge. The post break up experience is a crazy ride!

[radiodarcy]

it sounds like this weekend was a mixed bag of emotions for you. but hey - - at least you gave it a shot and when you do decide that you're ready to start dating again at least you know you'll have no problem meeting women

 

i understand completely though, tomorrow will make 8 weeks of NC for me and while i have a profile on ok cupid -- i don't really make much use of it. i'm really not interested in dating anyone right now. if i did i would wind up comparing them to my ex which isn't fair. not to mention when i do get a response it's usually some guy trolling for sex. which puts me off dating even more. although i have started flirting here and there my cute neighbor but i don't really want or expect anything to come of it. he's recently divorced and keeps talking about traveling in the next few years- - which sounds like he's already suffering from early on-set G.I.G.S.

 

besides, over the past few weeks i'm starting to feel like me again and have really been enjoying my "me" time. i've even started re-connecting with friends and family again. and it feels great! so i'm not really anxious to jump into a relationship now.

 

so yeah - - i think you're doing the right thing by keeping to yourself for now. as for finding friends who hang out - - you were able to have a good time on the two dates you went on -- i'm sure you could have success finding some friends to hang out with. but - - i realize it may be socially awkward for a straight guy to approach another guy in a darkened bar in an attempt to make friends

 

how about people from work? maybe you could hang out with them?

Edited May 2, 2011 by radiodarcy

[broken-and-lost]

Hey m8, really sorry to read about your situation, i'm in similar boat as my ex is also started dating someone else but hasn't admitted t to me and i'm about 2 weeks into NC. It's one hell of a rollercoaster isn't it fella?? i'm going through similar days the ups and downs the insecurities worry of the unknown future.

 

All i can say is hang in there m8y everything i read says the longer you stick to the NC the better you'll feel and i know it must be hard making new friends as i've had to do similar as most of mine have moved on and married so finding new friends to hang out, just continue to believe in yourself as a human being and that your not alone in the world keep posting here regular and good luck we are right here with you

[donelly1]

yeah lately I really really wanna give her my cell phone but I havent. I thought about it a lot. No matter how I do it if I send her that to her it will come across as that i want to talk to her and even after 4 months of NC that I am still thinking about her and want her back. It would be a huge ego booster for her and I feel like she doesnt deserve that. Although I have been missing her like crazy and still feel horrible I just cant afford to let her know that. Its probably best if she has no idea what I am up to. I dont wanna give her that security for her new relationship with this guy so that she feels like she can always come back to me and that I need her. I should be her first choice and not a second choice guy to fall back on once she is done with her fling.

 

Right now it is finals week for her. She was suppose to leave the week after finals week meaning she only has one more week in the US. She was suppose to come back early and hang out with me at my place for a few weeks until her school started. Instead I have a feeling she will be staying at her new boyfriends place in America unfortunatly. I know for sure that within a few weeks she has to come back and start school here though. I feel like she is getting used big time. Most guys I think would love to have a girl stay at their place for a few weeks knowing full well that she will be moving across the world and they can easily hit it and quit it... It makes me kind of sick to think that she is probably getting used right now. The guy could be telling her all kinds of BS just whatever she wants to hear because he knows she will be on the other side of the world soon and he could care less.

 

Maybe I am wrong though and she is having a super "meaningful" relationship with some guy. Its just hard to believe since she parties all the time now and it seems like 5-6 weeks is not time enough to really "fall in love" with someone.

 

In my mind I know that I need to move on. Even if she contacted me when she is here it is probably not even worth it. If some other guy "f'd" her than there is absolutly no way I would ever take her back. If that happened than she is a completely different person than I once new and loved and there is no hope for reconciliation from me. The horrible thing is it probably has happened. I know I need to move on and forget about this, Im just not sure when things are gonna get better.

 

It feels like crap though that I am still not over my ex meanwhile she is already with some guy and basically jumped into a realtionship with him within weeks after we broke up. I just cant see how she could possibly do that and can be with him and not think of me even a little bit. Even if the most beautiful girl ever wanted me I honestly wouldnt be able to do it. I would be thinking about her the whole time. I just really wanna be done with this and move on from her. It has been about 1 month now since the break up, but I still think about her all the time.

 

I have dreams about her a lot and I have lots of trouble sleeping because of the dreams. Lots of times I will have dreams about her and her new boyfriend. I wanna move on but I feel like my own brain is sabotageing me! I have been keeping up with the NC. I have had absolutly NC for about a month now. I have started some new hobbies and Im learning a new language to occupy my time. Still it is eating me up inside why I havent heard at all from her. Its a rollercoaster feeling. Somedays it is fine and other days it is almost unbearable.

 

Last new years we had a great time together hanging out with friends. It was not even that long ago. It was a great evening and lately I have been thinking about that time so much. About how close we had become and how we kissed for like 20 minutes even after the new years countdown. That night I walked home in socks cause her high heels were killing her and let her wear my shoes. I doubt she even remembers stuff like that that I did for her... I really wish I could just delete the memories, sometimes I just take nyquil during the day to relax because they get too much for me... I try to exhaust myself everyday by going on early morning runs and biking a lot but it is never enough.

 

A week before the break up everything was fine and we were best friends that talked about anything and everything for hours on skype and her saying I was perfect and she couldnt be more in love bla bla bla and the last couple of weeks I have heard absolutly nothing at all from her... What I think every day is what happend, and after all that we have gone through and shared together why would she end it so quick? It just seems like such an amazing waste to me for her to end it...

Im an outgoing person so I am constatnly thinking of what I can do to change the situation but I always come to the same answer which is I have done all I can and it is up to her...

 

Maybe she thinks that since she hasnt heard from me that I really dont care much about her?

 

When does it start getting better?

[radiodarcy]

sorry to hear your going through a rough time now. as much as it hurts - - it's all part of the process. check out this great post that FuFu posted in another thread about 10 Truths You Need To Accept About Breaking Up: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276219/

 

it's directed to girls but it can help guys who are going through the same thing too.

 

unfortunately there is no real time frame for getting over these things. for me personally - - the first three to four weeks were the hardest. i re-started NC the second week of March and let me tell you i thought that month would *never* end~!

 

but after about 6 weeks or so i started to feel a little better. don't get me wrong i still have my moments. but i've noticed that my depression has lifted. which is saying a lot because it had been awhile since i remembered being happy. now i don't feel weighed down by all the negative emotion of the break up anymore. sure i still feel sad from time to time. but those moments seem to pass by more quickly now.

 

i know it's cliche but time really does heal - - if not all - - most wounds. part of me will always love my ex and wish that things could have worked out between us. but i have started to accept the reality of the situation. and when i admit to myself - - i'm really better off without him. don't get me wrong it's incredibly painful when you hit that realization. but over time you learn to accept it and the pain gets less as time goes on.

 

stick to NC but allow yourself to feel and experience those negative feelings as well. it's normal to feel the way your feeling now and the worst thing you can do is try to squash it. but remember - - corny as it sounds - - there is a light at the end of the tunnel

[donelly1]

Thanks for sharing that radiodarcy. Yeah it definitly is off an on still with me. It is kind of a hassel because we have so many mutal friends on facebook that I still come across her.

I was wondering should I block her on facebook so I never see what she writes? Also if I block her will that mean that all the pictures with me and her tagged in I will never be able to see?

 

I feel like blocking her might be a little extremem. I already defriended her. It just is a hassel though because I see things she posts on friends of mines walls. I guess the best thing for me is to just not be using facebook. I still need to use it a little in order to keep in touch and make new friends here in the new city I am in but I guess I could just never look at others walls. I never see any posts from her about guys even though I know there is something going on. The last message I read from her was on a friend of mines wall saying she got her haircut and stuff. She looks wayyyy better with long hair but I know she wanted to cut it for a long time but left it that way cause she knew I liked it better long. It just hurts me to see that she has been talking to that friend of mine because although she is a fun girl that girl is really crazy and promiscuous so I feel like she is encouraging my ex to turn into a slut. I know I shouldnt give a S### but I really feel strongly about it...

 

Bottom line is facebook is evil. Even seeing little contact from her on friends walls hurts. I think the best step is just to really avoid contact with facebook and never look at friends in commons wall posts. I know that I shouldnt care about her at all and that there is no point and that I need to move on. I have been doing NC for about 4 weeks now but maybe its not really NC cause sometimes I do come across posts of hers...

 

I still feel sometimes like Im at day one of the break up. I have told myself that it is over and we are done but the feelings are still there. I think mostly it is because I am alone a lot since Im in a new city and dont know to many people. With time it will get better. I wanna be over it now, Im ready for it to be over it just stays there though.

[radiodarcy]

honestly - - i would either block or delete her (and all your mutual friends) on facebook -- you can always remove the block later. from what i understand you will be untagged in all her pics and vice versa if that happens. sure you could simply not look at her or your mutual friends' pages but that doesn't seem to be working for you right now. if blocking her seems to drastic then hide her and your mutual friends from your news feed.

 

to me removing her doesn't sound all that harsh considering what she's done to you - - taking a break (which day by day appears to be more of a break up); hooking up with this other guy, etc. if anything - - i would think she would understand if you did remove her and if not -- too bad. you didnt have a say in this break up or in her hooking up with the other guy. why should she have anything to say abt you taking her off your facebook? do what's best for you and your healing and try not to worry about what she thinks. what she thinks really doesn't matter anyway. as another poster once said, when an ex leaves, they lose their "special person privileges". moreover - - you ex has since transferred your special personal privileges over to someone else.

 

i would strongly suggest you check out this post (i feel guilty about the no contact rule): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276314/

 

also - - keep in mind that looking at an ex's fb acct is considered to be breaking NC. because even though you're not making direct contact with that person you're still finding out what they're doing and as another poster once said "as log as you're finding out what your ex is doing your not in NC".

 

case in point - - think abt how sh**ty you felt when you saw that innocuous post on your mutual friends wall. not a good feeling. in fact -- it sounds like it took you all the way back to day 1 of the break up - - over and over again. you don't need that. do yourself a favor and block her. that way you can concentrate on using it to make new friends and move on.

 

i remember in a moment of weakness, i made the mistake of logging into the IM acct my ex and i used to chat on. while i didn't contact him i saw he had set his status to "eat chicken wings. too much goodness going on". harmless right? i nearly flipped out! i automatically started thinking "where'd you get those wings from?"; "was it a girl who made them for him?" luckily i was able to control myself and not IM him with those questions. but it made me realize -- if i can't even handle reading what he ate for lunch then i definitely can't handle going on his facebook. i came to my sense and havent logged in since. as far as i'm concerned the less i knew the better off i am.

[surfrider4284]

keep up the no contact..please, believe me on this one..

[donelly1]

Its good to hear your input. yeah unfortunatly I dont think I am all the way over her. She was my first serious relationship and I know my circumstances of where I am make it harder still to let go. I know it is done and I have thought even if she was to appear at my door I would never be able to get past what happened. No matter what she says it wouldnt change what happened and I know that I could never fully trust her. Having said that there is no way that it can be saved and I realize its over.

 

I was really thinking about blocking her on facebook today but I just feel like it is a little extreme. We had a very similar pool of friends. On facebook we have about 70 friends in common. Some of them are really close friends of mine it would be ridiculous for me to defriend them I feel like. They shouldnt have to be caught up in the break up, I feel like it would be childish to defriend them just cause of that. I did de-friend her on facebook though.

 

I have decided that the best thing I can do is just to really avoid using facebook. I do use it to communicate with new people I am meeting here so its important to have but I can limit myself a lot more on how I use it. I think it will be alright if I just never look at any mutual friends pages... I did delete my ex's profile so I never have to worry about seeing her status updates or anything.

[radiodarcy]

good move in deleting her from your facebook! i guarantee you the healing will go much faster now! granted you may not feel 100% for awhile. but you will feel so much better not knowing what she is up to.

 

i know what you mean about not deleting the mutual friends. 70 people is a lot. he and i have a few mutual friends as well and i cant bring myself to delete them either. so like you -- i simply don't go on facebook that much. besides, if mutual friends want to get in touch with you (or vice versa) -- there are other ways - - like cell and email. same goes for the new people you're meeting. there are other forms of contact you can use. i realize facebook is kind of a one stop shop for all that stuff but there are ways around it.

[donelly1]

Yeah agreed, it really does help a lot to have deleted her profile on facebook. I have made a decision too to stop using facebook as much, and not visit mutual friends pages.

 

Last night my ex called me on my housephone. At first when I got the call late at night I thought it could be her so I didnt answer, but then the second time I got a call I answered because I thought it could be my boss from work because he calls periodically and I dont have a message machine. I feel like it was unavoidable to talk to her...

 

At first she told me how sorry she was for breaking the NC rule. I asked her why she was calling me but her answer was lame and not what I wanted to hear. She said she was missing me a lot and just wanted to hear my voice. I was really confused as to what to do, because on one hand I know everyone says that you need to keep up with NC for healing to take place, but I we had never talked at all for about 5 weeks and I had already answered the call and was talking to her I figured that NC was already broken at that point.

 

She was really curious about what I was up to. We didnt talk about realtionship stuff really but instead talked about mutual friends most of the time. I didnt go into much detail though about my life because I feel like she doesnt deserve or need to know all of that. She was upset that I deleted her from facebook and stuff and said she wanted to look at my pictures and see what I was up to. I told her though that after what we have been through I cant just be "friends" with her at this point.

 

I asked her a couple times why she called me and she didnt have an answer. She was saying later on how she was having second thoughts about the break up, but honestly I cant believe anything she says, I have to take it with a massive grain of salt. She is coming back here in a few weeks and she was saying how she thinks it might be good to meet up. I told her to really think about our relationship though and that if she isnt serious about it that we need to move on. She was upset that we dont talk and stuff anymore but I told her thats because SHE broke up with me! and that we both need to move on...

 

It is kind of a bummer that my 5 weeks of NC was ruined but I guess this stuff does happen. My phone is so old that I have no idea who is calling and it doesnt have an answer machine so I have to answer because it could be someone important like my boss calling. I feel like I didnt really have a choice in breaking the NC. Still I feel like it isnt totally back to day one fortunatly.

 

In a strange way the call makes me feel a little better because I feel now like I have more of a say in the situation. I didnt beg her at all to come back when we talked, and I didnt tell her too much about my life because she doesnt need to know. I told her sometimes I think about her, but I didnt tell her how much I really miss her or that I loved or still had feelings for her either. As I was reading in some other forums on the site it seems like exes dont really call to "talk" but the biggest reason they call is to "check up" at how the other person is doing. I made it a point not to reveal to much about what I was up to so that she wouldnt get those answers that she was probably looking for. I have been going on dates and stuff with other girls here but I didnt tell her about that, because I didnt want to know what she has been doing...

 

I feel like did a good job with how I handeled the phone conversation. Still if she calls again I decided I am going to make it a point to not talk to her and just get off the phone asap. Last night I wasnt expecting it but this time if it happens agian in the future I will be ready.

[radiodarcy]

wow donnelly! you did FANTASTIC with that call! why? because you stood up for yourself. you didn't give her any information nor did you ask her for any info. she most likely panicked when she saw you had deleted her on facebook. so that was her lame attempt to try to reach out to find out why and you didn't give her an answer. GOOD. she doesn't deserve one. she should know by now anyway.

 

she needs to experience the reality of her actions. like you said SHE dumped you - - not the other way around. you have nothing to prove to her. she has EVERYTHING to prove to you if she wants you back (should you decide to even take her back). that phone call last night was just breadcrumbs and i'm glad you treated them as such. she's been carrying on all this time flitting around with this guy, posting stuff on facebook (that i'm sure she knew you were going to see) while you've been miserable. and she calls once she sees you deleted her on fb??? sounds like someone is upset they lost their fallback man - - not to mention their audience .

 

she misses seeing what your up to? well that's what happens when you dump someone. i have no desire to tell my ex anything about my life or to hear anything abt his. as far as i'm concerned any and all info abt me and my whereabouts is privilege information - - i don't care if it's what i ate for breakfast! our exes lost all rights to any and all info about us when they decided they didn't want to be with us anymore. that was their choice. but they don't get to have it both ways.

 

keep up the good work. you're going great. yes -- these things happen with exes reaching out, etc. but given the way you handled it i would call this anything but a set back. if anything it sounds like it strengthened your resolve. you're going GREAT! just keep at it

[donelly1]

Thanks radiodarcy! yeah I think overall it went pretty well. Afterwards there were some things that I looked back on and wish that I probably didnt say but I guess it cant be 100 % perfect. She was definitly trying to "check up" on me. I didnt give her specifics but I did say that recently I was meeting a lot of people and stuff. She asked if I was dating and stuff and my answer to that question was that she didnt need to know about my personal life. Of course that answer made her upset and she asked if I had made out with anyone.

 

Looking back, I shouldnt have said anything, but unfortunatly I told her I havent because I dont wanna jump into anything so soon since we broke up less than a month ago... That is the truth, but I probably shouldnt have said it and instead I should have been vague, so she doesnt feel like I am still "available" to her as her saftey net. I guess nothing is perfect though and there was bound to be a little slip up somewhere during the conversation.

 

Im really glad that I didnt tell her my true feelings on the phone about how much I miss her and think about her all the time. Even though the truth is that I am still very much broken and getting over her I feel like after the phone conversation that I do have more power, and it does make the end of or relationship a little easier for me knowing that she is doubting and realizing that she may have screwed up.

 

Radiodarcy did you ever hear from your ex? At some point I know I really wont care what my ex is up too but unfortunatly I still do think about her a lot. How long did it take you to stop caring about him and thinking about what he is doing?

[radiodarcy]

no problem, donnelly! i'm glad i can be of help; besides - - helping you helps me too

 

as for you saying you shouldn't have answered your ex's question as to whether or not you're dating anyone -- eh, well there really was no way to *not* answer that question over the phone - - at least not without coming off as game-y. if it had been over text/email/IM then yeah - - you could have just let that one slide without a response. but phone calls are different b/c the other person expects the answer right then and there - - that's just the nature of a two person conversation. so given the circumstances, i think you handled it fine - - you were up front with her and told her that you weren't going to answer that question. in fact, i think that was a much more direct, mature response than not answering her question at all.

 

and yes - - keeping your true feelings about being sad and missing her to yourself was the right thing to do. that only would have pumped her ego. she was probably hoping you would say that but just because she wanted to know that she was missed. not because she wanted to get back together. and honestly - - if she does - - she's the one that needs to initiate that convo -- no you. because she initiated the break up.

 

not to mention you telling her your true feelings would have made you look desperate -- which you certainly are not! as you proved to yourself on those dates you did go out with. but again, she doesn't need to know that. sometimes i think our exes ask us that question because they want to jump in and tell us what they've been up to and with whom. honestly - - i think it's a set up of sorts. kind of like when you go on a diet and the one friend who's lost more weight than you asks you how much weight you lost and you say none and she says "really! i love five pounds!" grr...

 

this is my second go at NC with my ex. the first time i went NC was back in november. he had sent me an unduly harsh email telling me to move on. so i told him i wouldnt contact him for awhile so i could do just that. after that, he would contact me every couple of weeks to say happy thanksgiving, merry christmas, that kind of thing. bread crumbs, really. i shouldn't have responded but i did. and even though i kept my responses brief ("thanks, x; happy new year to you too"); never gave out any info nor did i ask him for any. it didn't matter. because i was still leaving the door open for me to break NC. which is exactly what i would up doing when he contacted me the day before my bday in february (and he didn't even bother saying happy birthday the next day! lol). but, after 3 months of super- limited contact, i thought i could handle being back in touch. big mistake. here and there he started mentioning going out on dates. it rankled me but i played along. then - - he started ignoring me again here and there. and when we did talk he really started talking about dating and how badly he wanted to find a gf. which killed me. because if you'll remember, he and i were friends w/ benefits and i fell for him soon after we picked that up. but he refused to give me the relationship i wanted. saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. so to hear him talk about pursuing the relationship i had been asking him for for the past two and a half years - - with someone else was more than i could take. so i told him as much during our last IM conversation, logged off (without waiting for a response from him) and that was that. he tried calling me and leaving me a voice msg but i deleted it without listening to it. the only other time i heard from him was when i logged back into IM in that moment of weakness i mentioned before. he hit me up and said " hahahaha gm f**cker. how are you?" i responded and said "hah! good morning. i'm good thanks and you?" he said "good" i said "good" and that was it. not long after that i stopped logging in and i haven't heard from him since.

 

i think that the reason i have no interest in hearing about what he's up to is because he has a tendency to tell me EVERYTHING he's been up to. whether it was ten mins ago or ten years ago. in. vivid. detail. he would recount tender moments between him and his ex wife (after he and i had had sex); tell me about girls who would flirt with and fight over him; and just had to mention what a banging body the girl he went out with the other night had and how much she liked him. ummm yeah - - so i really have NO INTEREST in hearing what he's up to now. and while i certainly don't miss hearing abt all that stuff. i have to admit i do kind of wish he would reach out to me just once because - - as you said about the phone convo with your ex - - it would be nice to know that he too is realizing that he screwed up with the way he treated me. but i doubt that will ever happen. but anytime i find myself wishing i would hear from him, i remember all the bits of info he told me that i'd rather not have heard and then i'm happy that i haven't!

 

so in my case -- it undertandably didn't take a lot of time to stop caring whether i heard from him or not. but really -- as cliche as it sounds, time is the biggest healer. in your case - -you and your ex had an actual relationship and really cared about each other. so you may need more time. but it does get better. and i really think that this phone call the two of you had will help to give you the closure you need to do that.

 

and making new friends can help. doesnt have to be girls - - it can be other guys too. i know it's not easy for you to get motivated to go out and do stuff. but have you ever tried meetup.com? not sure if your in tokyo or not but i did a quick search and they have some interesting groups. including an esl group

it might be a good way to bridge that language barrier you were talking about and meet other english speaking people as well.

[donelly1]

yeah I guess overall it went pretty well so I shouldnt focus on the couple slip ups to much. She definitly was nosy! I am glad that I didnt tell her too many details... Another reason why I really didnt wanna give her too much information is because I didnt want to open it up for her to tell me about all the crazy things she has been doing.

 

In a way she is really naive about a lot of stuff. Shes 21 so she is pretty young but I feel like she is just so confused right now. I really think that she doesnt know at all what she wants. On the phone when we last talked she sometimes she was getting emotional and crying, so I think overall she is just confused. When the dust settles I think she is really gonna realize that it was all a big mistake on her part, it seems like from the phone call that she might already be doubting herself, but I really hope that at that point when she realizes it was a mistake, that I will be totally moved on.

 

Lately I have not been thinking about her as much and not having as many dreams about her. I think the phone call really has everything to do with it because after that call I felt like I was the more mature and stable one, and it was good to know that even after 5 weeks she still at least thought about me and decided to call. Its gonna be awhile still as it has only been about a month from my first long term relationship.

 

The truth is that really she could easily get my phone number from other people if she wanted it but I will definitly keep up NC. I would never ever want to relive the last month but I feel like since then things have gotten at least a little better. I am really looking forward to a month from now as I think it will be even better by then.

 

Radiodarcy how long has it been since your last contact with your ex? Yeah I really think that knowing what someone is up to just makes it much more painful. Even if you think that you are over them it is just dangerous because you never know what kind of feelings will come up.

 

About a week ago I just saw my ex post up on a mutual friend of mines wall that she got a haircut and just that post even though it was supposedly totally "harmless" just really made me feel horrible and I wish I never even saw it. I can only imagine the horrible feelings I would have if I saw a picture of her and a new guy together or if she wrote something more personal on my friends wall. After this though I am never gonna visit mutal friends of ours pages until a very long time so I wont accidently come across these reminders of her.

[Heartache3]

Hey Don I've been following your story and I must say, you're doing a wonderful job right now. Way to go on that phone call, you're doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. It's interesting that I came across your story... because I'm going through a very VERY similar situation as you right now.

 

I was dating a Japanese-American girl for the last 3 years (we're both 20 now), but 3 months ago in February she decided out of NOWHERE to break up with me and date a guy she barely even knew. So when I say I feel your pain, I really mean it Don, I know exactly what you're going through. It's a terrible feeling, knowing that she is probably eating dinner with him, watching movies with him, even having sex with him... :/

 

However I, too, answered my ex girlfriend's call, just two days ago. Oddly enough, with the same circumstances as your ex, she wanted to catch up too. Basically I broke my NC after 3 months of not talking. In case you're curious, I posted my story today:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277441/

 

I made a worst mistake than you... she wanted to be friends and I agreed. But then after we were talking for a good half hour over the phone, she brought up her new bf. And even decided to tell me that her dad (100% Japanese, very strict) got mad at her for coming home at 1AM after spending the entire day with him! Why she told me that, I have no clue... but I'll tell you what, after hearing that I can safely assume they are definitely sexual. And this is only 2 months into their relationship!

 

So two days ago I officially decided to restart my NC, and though we ended on good terms after our talk, I don't want to have to do anything with her anymore.

 

But what I really want to say is congratulations for making it this far. It seems impossible at times to keep pulling through when she remains in your mind like a photograph. I am still thinking about my ex often... and while the pain is still there, slowly but surely I know things WILL get better.

 

Trust me Don, you and I are in the same boat here, and we can get through this!

 

Just curious... do you know any Japanese? Because I was kinda shocked to find out you work in Japan. I went to Japan a couple of years ago, and I've been studying Japanese for years and I'm hoping to minor in it in college. I guess getting over my breakup is especially hard for me because my ex and I used to share that love for Japan and everything. But anyway, what do you do over there?

[SCG_Sasa1111]

Bro I feel the exact same way. The same thing happened to me. I was with my ex for 4.5 years we are both 20 now. So you can imagine the impact she had on my life because we have been dating since we were 15....We are a mixed couple as well she is Vietnamese/Cambodian and I am Serbian

 

In May 2010...I left for my country for 15 days..15 measly days....The reason I went back was to see my family that I didn't see for 9 years. I went 15 days to be with them all for the reason that If i stayed any longer it would be too hard on her and the relationship so I agreed 15 days was enough. HUGE MISTAKE on my part if I ONLY KNEW what kind of a person she is I would have stayed for 3 months if I had the choice to switch back time.

 

She at this point was completley depressed..my mom and sister stayed; only me and my dad went. She would come over to my place, lie in my bed..smell my clothes and cry infront of my mom and sis because she misses me so much.

 

When I heard this I really thought like wow this girl is really crazy about me she would never do anything to hurt me...WOW was I wrong.

 

During this time period this guy from her university program; who wasn't a threat to me at all because he did not compare to me in any way shape or form. They apperently started talking and hanging out and he was there for her when I was gone. Get this..he apperently tells her he is developing feelings...she falls for this...and by the time I came back I could tell something was up...she was distant and cold and she kept texting him and stuff it was just really weird. Literally it felt like the person I came back too was not the same person I left...So flash forward now from MAy 17th 2010..to September 2010...At this point the relationship is reaching its end..she is completley distant..does not call anymore..barley texts. I got fed up.I called her and told her i am done with this behaviour of ours if you want a relationship than start acting like your in one. I told her im done with this im breaking up and she really didnt do much to stop me..I knew that this was coming to a crazy climax eventually.

 

I broke up with her..6 days of NC passed and I eventually heard from sum1 that she was seen with that guy around campus..I just laughed and shrugged it off ; I literally could care less like if she was gona throw this all away I wanted to see her do it than. I had soccer that night but before I left for it my friend who was with me was on his facebook and he said that she changed her status to single. And i was llike r u kidding me now? wtf..Why would she do that over fb that just creates even more drama and shes not trying to fix anything?

 

Fast foward 1 week. I am coming to her place at night to try and fix things She doesn't wana let me enter the door. I get fed up because I bused all the way from campus at 11 o clock at night to have a measly convo with her to fix things and she doesnt wana let me in? I lost it..i bolted through the door only to see that GUY OF ALL PEOPLE..coming from upstairs in her room....at that moment my entire lifee came crashing down..I literally was shocked..I was shaking..I screamed out loud ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW !!!!!!! ARE YOU ***** SERIOUSSS!!! THIS IS WHAT I COME TO YOUR PLACE TO SEE??

 

As you can imagine. I used up all the strength in my body to prevent myself from completing destorying the guy. I said it wasn't worth it..and I decided whats the point in fighting..whats done is done..i came and i saw what i needed to see...I took my bags..and I lookeed at her..." this is what u have done after 4.5 years..u wana throw it all away..Be my guest."

 

I looked at her and walked out..She just stood there lookin at me as I walked down the street.

 

 

SHE LEFT ME FOR A GUY because she got attached to him because i left fot 15 days. like????? AFTER 4.5 YEARS!!!!!!

 

Fast Forward: 2 months. She contacts me two times.." I CANT DO THIS I MADE A MISTAKE I CANT EAT I CANT SLEEP I NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM"

 

I TELL HER JUST LIKE U BROKE US UP..DO IT With him..I DON't EVEN know why i answered when she called. Point is she didn't do it. She did that one more time..and again same outcome..she couldnt break up and they are still together. Point being : Never ever let anyone use you as a doormat..no matter what I realized I meant nothing to her if she could do this to me. I would never want what has happend to me happen to someone else. I went through hell and this will affect me for the rest of my life.

 

Its been about 6 months since it happend and I can tell you..time does help but the pain is still there..I still feel the pain..There are days i feel good; days i feel really bad and it just isn't getting that much better to be honest. Its really hard as a man to be able to accept what has happened I think that is my biggest problem. I cannot accept this happened to me and it still feels like a dream. I cannot accept that this happpend and I cannot move from the anger I have..that someone THE CLOSEST PERSON TO ME could do something liek this aFTER SO LONG!!!..

 

If there is anything I have learned from this experience is to never be that naive to think that the person you love can't hurt you..its actually quite the opposite they hurt you the most.

 

Let me know your thoughts on my story donelly..you will see many striking similarities.

 

* it hurts man here i am 6 months later and I can tell you its still on my mind. I go clubbing, i go out with friends i meet new girls but its just not the same. Its just not the way it used to be. Im not the way I used to be. it Has affected every aspect of my life; mentally in terms of soccer I just dont have that drive that I did ; in terms of school work; in terms of just getting out there and doing things you wana do. When you know deep down inside that you were betrayed by someone like that..it really is life shattering..I know how you feel man...

[radiodarcy]

yeah I guess overall it went pretty well so I shouldnt focus on the couple slip ups to much. She definitly was nosy! I am glad that I didnt tell her too many details... Another reason why I really didnt wanna give her too much information is because I didnt want to open it up for her to tell me about all the crazy things she has been doing.

 

In a way she is really naive about a lot of stuff. Shes 21 so she is pretty young but I feel like she is just so confused right now. I really think that she doesnt know at all what she wants. On the phone when we last talked she sometimes she was getting emotional and crying, so I think overall she is just confused. When the dust settles I think she is really gonna realize that it was all a big mistake on her part, it seems like from the phone call that she might already be doubting herself, but I really hope that at that point when she realizes it was a mistake, that I will be totally moved on.

 

Lately I have not been thinking about her as much and not having as many dreams about her. I think the phone call really has everything to do with it because after that call I felt like I was the more mature and stable one, and it was good to know that even after 5 weeks she still at least thought about me and decided to call. Its gonna be awhile still as it has only been about a month from my first long term relationship.

 

The truth is that really she could easily get my phone number from other people if she wanted it but I will definitly keep up NC. I would never ever want to relive the last month but I feel like since then things have gotten at least a little better. I am really looking forward to a month from now as I think it will be even better by then.

 

Radiodarcy how long has it been since your last contact with your ex? Yeah I really think that knowing what someone is up to just makes it much more painful. Even if you think that you are over them it is just dangerous because you never know what kind of feelings will come up.

 

About a week ago I just saw my ex post up on a mutual friend of mines wall that she got a haircut and just that post even though it was supposedly totally "harmless" just really made me feel horrible and I wish I never even saw it. I can only imagine the horrible feelings I would have if I saw a picture of her and a new guy together or if she wrote something more personal on my friends wall. After this though I am never gonna visit mutal friends of ours pages until a very long time so I wont accidently come across these reminders of her.

 

21 is super young for anyone - - male or female to really know what they want. not that someone can't know what they want at that age -- but it's pretty rare that they do. i'm not sure how old you are but it sounds like maturity-wise you're way ahead of your ex in terms of handling this break up; i.e. refusing to tell her what your up to and making it a point not to find out what she is up to. that's not an easy thing to do. curiosity is a normal - - albeit highly destructive emotion that can lead us to find out things we'd rather not know. all the same it's not always easy to fight it. but you are -- and because of it -- you're going to come out of this much healthier and stronger than you were before.

 

the last time i heard from my ex was a little over a month ago; when i logged back into IM after three weeks of NC. we had that brief "hi, how are you exchange" but that was it - - no exchanging of info about what was going on in our lives. i continued to log in for the rest of that week (for no other reason than to satisfy my creepy, stalker-esque tendencies) but neither one of us made any attempt to contact the other. but then i started getting way too involved in checking/reading his statuses on IM (i think IM can be just as bad as looking at facebook because people can post pics and statuses on there too). the day that i flipped out over a comment he made about eating chicken wings was the day i realized i just needed to go back to strict NC - - which meant not logging into IM anymore.

 

so - - yeah - - i haven't heard from him in over a month. i'm not going to lie - - it does bother me that he hasn't bothered to reach out. but at the same time i was the one initiated this space so i guess he's doing the mature responsible thing by respecting it by not contacting me. either that or he has a gf :\ but hey - - ignorance is bliss - - that's the beauty of NC. sure i could find out by asking a mutual friend or going on facebook but why bother? i've read posts on loveshack where people will say that they found out their ex was seeing someone else by looking at their facebook. some said it gave them the closure they needed to move on but i don't think that would do anything for me other than set me back to day one. besides, i'd rather reach closure on my own than have facebook do it for me.

[Mister_Lonely]

Sounds like everyone on this thread as strength & determination whereas I don't! Ex of 2 years cheated on me & left me for the guy. After it all came out we tried to work it out for 6 weeks but failed, that was 3 months ago. I go through periods of NC but hear from a mutual friend & my own morbid curiosity what they are doing like going away for the weekend etc, doing drugs together & getting each others names as tattoos.

 

She always breaks NC asking how I am, that she misses me, to meet up etc & I stupidly reply, I even drunken txt her which annoys her new bf who has warned me off on numerous occasions, I understand why he does. It's all got bitter now & their relationship is on the rocks as he doesn't trust her. I got the blame, I also found out they have been together 7 months from him, meaning it was 4 months before we broke up & even when we tried to work it out. He didn't know this & due to my bitterness I told him we were being used & she was seeing us both, she is a compulsive liar.

 

My ex now says she hates me, wants me dead, that i am poison & that I better watch my back. I didn't mean to ruin her relationship but he couldn't have trusted her from the start. She texted us both an essay saying how she is cutting ties with us both due to lack of trust, that's when I got abuse of him & warned him. I should have kept quiet & kept my respect and dignity but now I am expecting a beating. NC is definitely the way to go. Never thought she would hate me, I never did her even after everything she did to me, she ruined my life

[kaycstamper]

NC is NO CONTACT! Not on the phone, texting, FB, email, in person, NOTHING!

 

What you have had is not NC. If you are split up and she has moved on, it's best to have NC for as long as it takes you to get completely over her to where you are unaffected by who she dates or what's she's doing.

 

Work on focusing on your own life instead of hers. Ask your family/friends not to tell you anything about her. Go completely dark on her and you will find that your life will move on.

[kaycstamper]

NC is NO CONTACT. It does not allow phone calls, texting, FB, seeing each other, talking to family/friends about what the other is doing, etc.

 

When you go totally dark it helps you over the other person and then you don't have to know or see what they're up to that might bother you.

[donelly1]

Wow it is interesting to see that so many people have gone through similar situations. Yeah Im 23 so I am a couple years older than her.

 

Heartach3 it sounds like your situation is very similar to mine. It was totally unexpected for me when she dumped me too, and I was very surprised. I wonder if it has something to do with Japanese women? Its like my ex just changed into a different person. She was absolutly in love with me, and then out of nowhere I got an email one day saying. "I dont have the same feelings for you anymore...etc." I have been doing NC but my gut feeling tells me she is dating someone else. That is by far the toughest thing to deal with as you probably know. Its hard to believe after everything we have done and all the laughs and good times we shared she would throw it away after a few weeks of being broken up and go to someone else.

 

Like a lot of other people have stated on this forum too I think the hardest thing is how someone that you thought was in love with you and one of the most important people in your life can be so cruel. This is how I often feel about my ex. I feel that since we broke up I have seen another side of her that is just so cruel that I could never imagine she could be like that. If you think about it though, if someone was really in love they wouldnt do such a terrible thing so it must geniuenly be over. The worst thing about break ups is that most of the time one persons heart is still all in when the other pulls the plug so they are not ready for the fall...

 

One thing though that I think we all have to keep in mind is that the person that we really loved at one point and that we often think about is in a sense dead. No matter what even if by some extremely slim chance we even got back together with our exes it would absolutly never be the same as before. I tell myself everday that the girl that I geniuenly miss is not the same as what she is today. Its just very hard to realize that.

 

I have still been doing NC too but I noticed today that she changed her pictures of her on IM. There used to be pictures of us together and she deleted them all. It hurts like crazy to me that she did that though because it is just another reminder that she really is moving on. I know she did it for her though so she wouldnt be reminded and can move on. I did the same thing with her pics. I removed her as a friend on IM though so I will never see her pop up again.

 

Radiodarcy yeah it probably is a good thing though in the end that he hasnt attempted to contact you again. To be honest though I feel like at some point he most likely will. The thing is it will probably be at a time when he is "needing someone" and it might not be geniuene so I think you would have to be very careful. If he is with someone else than they are probably in the honeymoon stage for a few months but after that I bet some things will start to come up.

 

yeah I am working over here as an english teacher. The break up came at an absolute horrible time as she broke up with me 2 weeks after I came here. Being in a new country, starting a new job, and going through lots of earthquakes on top of the break up has made things extra challenging. Japan is lots of fun but sometimes I seriously doubt why I am here as a big reason I came here was to get closer to her again. Its been a week of NC since she called but lately I have had lots of dreams about her which is buggin me.

 

Still it really helps to know that others are in the same boat. With time things will get better and there are gonna be good and bad days. Lots of times for me it seems like I will never find someone again and that I wont get over the horrible feelings. I guess the most important thing though is to just believe that it will get better and keep going.

[radiodarcy]

it will get better. i mean - - this is my first break up and i'm 35 (i'm a late bloomer ) but i know plenty of other people out there who have been through heartbreak and survived. so i'm sure we will too

 

i guess it's true, that the people we thought our exes were are dead to us. i guess it goes to show that contrary to the adage that "people don't change" people really do change. just not in ways that are always good or make sense even. and there's really no point in trying to figure out or analyze why. i'm pretty sure our exes couldn't even tell us why.

 

i agree with you, this message board has been a godsend. i know that everyone gets dumped but unless someone is actually going through it at the moment, it's difficult to empathize. let's face it you can only hear your friends say "get over it"; "he's a jerk"; "move on" so many times. here i can vent and read and relate to what other people are going through as opposed to feeling isolated and hearing my friends say "you're STILL not over him??"

 

yeah -- you're probably right, my ex most likely will try to contact me. i think the only reason i've been able to stay NC this long is because he hasn't. i never asked him not to contact me i just told him i wouldnt be in touch for a few months. i am impressed that he's left me alone this long. so either he's respecting my wishes or he's otherwise - - occupied with someone else. i just hope if he does contact me i'm in a better place to handle it than i was back in february when i broke NC and returned his phone call. in some ways i guess i was. but until i can handle hearing about him dating other people i won't be. and in that case - - it could take -- years!

Edited May 12, 2011 by radiodarcy

[donelly1]

yeah radio darcy I do agree and think that people do change.

 

I guess overall we just have to have faith that time will heal. It really doesnt seem like it will but there have been so many others that have been in the same boat so their advice is correct im sure.

 

Yeah the other day I went on facebook and saw a picture of my ex with like 3 other guys one of which is the person I suspect she is dating. I didnt even search for it I just saw her profile pic when I was on a mutal friends site. I am going to block her on facebook though and that way it totally prevents me from seeing her. Its kinda hard for me to do because once I do that it will be harder for her to contact me and i think she will be angry about it.

 

Still from what Ive read here I need to be thinking about whats best for me in the long run. I thought de friending her would be enough but her profile still pops up here and there. Even if she doesnt have pictures of her and her new boyfriend as her profile picture I know that really its just a matter of time before she does so why not block her now.

 

there are good days and bad days. My phone rang the other day for a couple rings and then it stopped. Im pretty sure it was her because the only people that have my house phone are her and my boss and my boss was already at work and would most likely call my cell if he needed to talk.

 

I was thinking today again though about how it really is over I mean no matter what happens in the future she left me at a time when i needed her most (moving to a new country, new job, etc) I was a great boyfriend to her and we laughed and had deep conversations sometimes together for hours. I feel like maybe she is in a honeymoon stage right now but in the end aka a few months from now she will probably start to realize what she gave up and how the grass isnt always as green on the other side.

 

I feel kinda bad since it has been one month since the break up and Im not over it. Still I guess it has only been about a week of NC. Its hard to believe that someone that I was with for over a year could leave so soon. I have a feeling in my gut that it things are unfinished with her and I and that its not totally over. Still I know that I need to move on and try to ignore that feeling and keep telling myself its over.

[radiodarcy]

ouch! yeah - - i would go ahead and block her too. if she gets upset she gets upset. sorry you had to see that. and good for you about not allowing that incident to trigger a round of speculation as to which guy it was and why did she put up that picture, etc. i know i would have.

 

yeah seeing that picture on facebook was a setback but you did a great job in handling that and the phone call attempt the other night. as for it only being a month into your healing. a month is great! and based on the way you've handled the break up with her phone calls and seeing her on facebook, you have nothing to worry about! i always think the first one to two months of NC are the hardest to get through because your feelings are still raw; you're struggling with questions that you know your never going to get the answer to. and to top it all off your ex seems to have moved on completely. it sucks. and is unbelievably painful but ultimately you get through it because you have no choice. but overtime you start to think more clearly and that's when you really have a chance to take inventory of the relationship and think about what you want.

 

and really - - you've pretty much already done that in recognizing that a real friend would not abandon you the way your ex has - - particularly when you're faced with the anxiety and uncertainty of moving to another country.

 

it's been two and a half months for me. and i'm just now starting to get to the point where i don't care as much. i still think about him a lot; but not as much as i did when i started NC. and when i do think about him - - i don't feel that burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. also, after much consideration, i've decided to change over to a vegetarian diet. not because of the break up but because for ethical reasons (i don't feel right eating meat, etc) and i've noticed one of the positive side effects is that i don't feel as anxious as i did before. i feel more calm and in control of myself. i've also been preoccupied with reading up more on vegetarianism; shopping for new foods; looking up recipes. so it's a way for me to focus my attention elsewhere in a way that benefits me and helps me to take my mind off my ex.

 

not that i'm saying you should become a vegetarian too. but once you start feeling better, you may want to start looking for other things that will help take the focus on your ex and put it back on you and what your interests/beliefs are.