You've Been Left... Analogy

[2.50 a gallon]

I know that I go against the grain of common wisdom on this site, as I advocate for the BS to get back into dating as soon as possible

 

As my marriage began to go to hell, I did all of the wrong things, flowers, relationship talks, talks about our future, was only more gasoline on the fire.

 

Then I caught her kissing the OM, and went nuts, called her every name in the book, and told her not to come home. That is when she moved in with the OM

 

Then in trying to rub my nose in it, she came by that weekend with the OM to a BBQ thrown by the neighbor, an associate OM while his wife was out of town.

 

Friends, I was totally in the dumps. I had lost the only woman that I had ever loved. The question was not whether I would ever love again, but I was so low as to wonder if I would ever laugh or be happy again.

 

That all changed when a pretty face looked down at me in the pit and wanted to know if I wanted to come out and play. In an instant I was back flying amongst the clouds, totally detached from my Ex.

 

And the second that the Ex figured out that I had moved on she did a total 180, even went so far as to go outside and yelled at the OM, who was again visiting the neighbor, letting the neighborhood know how worthless he was in bed.

 

She spent the next 3 to 4 years trying to get us to reconcile, after all I was her property. It tore her up to know that I was dating again, and there was nothing she could say or do to win me back.

[Craig2425]

Craig- at the risk of picking on a nerve (and you can ignore this if you want): you're a month out from divorce, right? Does she show any sign of pulling back from the brink?

 

I dunno.after her saying let's try,not try ,try ,not try now she just says she positive she's done. While she says that she's also said that she wished I never begged and she tried on her own, can't try right now or me pleading and begging for her just push her further away. I asked her last night how she can be positive we cant be a happy family again? I said I'm positive we can and have given her reasons I asked what her reasons were cause maybe she's sees stuff I don't.

Her response was I don't have to all that matters is I am.

I'm probably reading into all the little things she says just so I have hope still and she's probably done

[worldgonewrong]

Craig: it sounds like you've been fighting the good fight for a long, long time. I'm so sorry. :-(

 

2.50 a gallon: your situation is like every guy's fantasy. Damn.

[2.50 a gallon]

As soon as I got back into dating, I found that there were lots of lonely women out there who were looking for a good man to share their lives with.

 

Remember the Cindi Lauper song, "Girl's Just Want to Have Fun"

 

One of the things that I observed was that women want to get out and do things, but when they do they generally go out with other ladies (they generally can be seen in packs of two of more) and do girl things.

 

That leaves a whole bunch of activites that they do not get to do such as going to car races, destruction derby, sporting events, camping, fishing, hiking, etc. and most of them would gladly go if they found a nice guy to take them

 

The minute I got back into dating my sex life took off again, All I can say is WOW! In fact it was so good that it took me a many years before I was able to settle on just one. The last gal I dated, tried repeatedly to take me on all expenses paid trips to the Caribean, Hawaii, and the last offer was a 3 week trip scuba diving trip to some distant island near Tahiti.

 

I have now been with my current GF for way over 15 years. In the looks department she is totally out of my league. I am retired, she is just a few years short of 60, and even though she is a grandmother, she hardly has an ounce of fat on her, and still has an hour glass figure. Total eye candy, and to top it she is the nicest, sweetest, kindest person that I have ever met.

 

Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes you can and will love again

[marqueemoon4]

see, I'd like to think if I met a woman who was hotter, cooler, and overall had more going for that my ex (which is totally feasible) would be all jealous and beg for me back. i seriously don't think that will happen, she'll be relieved I'm sure.

[Craig2425]

Thats the thing. My soon to be ex loved doing all those things but we stopped meeting each others needs and stopped wanting to do those things.

We both took each other for granted.

Guess time will tell and heal

[marqueemoon4]

Since I'm learning disabled apparently lets go over what I know as of today:

 

my wife has chosen not to be around me at all for over 300 days

 

my wife has chosen not to speak to me about anything other than our son for over 300 days

 

my wife has been having sex with another guy since at least October.

 

my wife will be filing for divorce next month

 

my wife has told me straight up we're done and she'll never feel the same way about me again

 

my wife made all kinds of promises and never delivered on any of them

 

my wife is not going to be my wife much longer, and really, was never there emotionally from day 1

 

my wife comes from a totally f*cked up background hence why she thinks the way she does. not all women are as ignorant and selfish as her, thankfully.

 

my wife is surrounded by people with no class/character who are validating every bad decision she is making

 

so, knowing all these things, explain to me why do I still care???

Edited April 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[2.50 a gallon]

Can't you see, what that woman's been doing to me?

 

My friend, in the world's population, women out number the men.

 

There are lots of lonely good women out there looking for a good man like yourself.

 

All you have to do is find one, or make yourself available so that they can find you

[worldgonewrong]

 

my wife will be filing for divorce next month

 

wait - why does SHE get to file for divorce? on what grounds?

Seems like the adultery is going to knee-cap herself.

[marqueemoon4]

wait - why does SHE get to file for divorce? on what grounds?

Seems like the adultery is going to knee-cap herself.

 

she is probably going to file no-fault/irreconcilable differences, next month will be 1 year since left. For awhile I thought it would benefit me to rush and file early on grounds of adultery, but as of right now I don't have a lawyer, and the ones I've spoken to said I can always counter sue on grounds of adultery.

[marqueemoon4]

sanity check please---- its it wrong for me to say something negative about the OM if my son brings up his name, which he does from time to time? does that make me horrible and immature?

[worldgonewrong]

sanity check please---- its it wrong for me to say something negative about the OM if my son brings up his name, which he does from time to time? does that make me horrible and immature?

 

Nah, it doesn't make you horrible & immature.

 

BUT, it does put your small child in a mental bind that he can't handle.

Clearly, in his small mind, mommy = good and daddy = good.

So he can't comprehend how mommy would do 'bad' by hanging with a 'bad' guy. Y'know?

So take the high road, because it puts pressure on him. He's got no outlet or frame of reference with how to frame OM.

BELIEVE ME, I understand where you're coming from! I'm on your side!

Which is why you should try and back off on that, as much as it sucks.

[dreamingoftigers]

sanity check please---- its it wrong for me to say something negative about the OM if my son brings up his name, which he does from time to time? does that make me horrible and immature?

 

MM4, to everyone in the situation be positive. This doesn't mean that they 'win' anything or 'get away' with anything. It means that your son doesn't get put it the middle of a situation where he has to decide loyalties and be even more stressed out.

 

Also when you start finding even the most small, tiny positive thing about the people that are partially responsible for you current state, you can 'humanize' them, when that happens it may make it easier to forgive and move on.

[updown]

marque, i wouldn't say anything negative about the OM infront of your son. no good will come of that. he's the innocent in all of this, he really is. post here, or unload to a friend, or journal and call the guy every name in the book if you need to!

 

you're afraid of women, and i'm terrified of men! i haven't the faintest idea how to fix or change that either!

 

where were all of you men when i was dating and in the process of getting married? the men here all seem so caring and sensitive. and yeah, i get that some of that comes from being left and having your wife walking ( and learning and growing from that). but, caring and sensitive is nice......

[marqueemoon4]

thanks for the advice.. yea it feels good for a second when I say "xxx is a bad person" when his name comes up.. but I think about it and its just raw emotion making me say that. I do think he is a bad person, but unfortunately like you said I don't want to stress my son out. Even if this guy is the worlds biggest dirtbag, this isn't his fault, its HER doing 100%. Now if his name comes up I'll just say "let just talk about you and I".. he seems to like that.

[worldgonewrong]

Now if his name comes up I'll just say "let just talk about you and I".. he seems to like that.

 

Supreme! YES.

[marqueemoon4]

a few weeks ago before everything went really bad again, we were texting.. and she said she was concerned with my mental health. I told her I couldn't sleep the night before and had been thinking. She asked what I was thinking about.. I said that I felt empty and useless without my real family, and how I felt the happiest when I was with them.

 

she said I don't know, your feelings sound desperate.

 

this is how a lot of men feel when their wife basically abandons them, am I right? this is how a father feels when he only sees his boy 10 days a month. its funny because this person was a study in desperation trying to keep me around for years, and when I show vulnerabilty then I'm weak. sigh.

[Tayla]

Interesting analogy. Oddly enough I have found that from this some men really do take heart to this. As a lady I appreciate the honesty shared here.

Rarely though in my real life situation of the break up stages and the recouperation stages has these things transpired in such ways. Mostly when the guy leaves, that door is bolted by both persons , welted and I move on. Regrets and learning come, and so does a rejuvenation of life itself. Can't say that I fix myself by playing the field, in fact I tend to validate that being single is just dern right peachy given the opposing endings.

My sincere support to those that can move on and somehow get in the dating scene and commitment lifestyle.

[marqueemoon4]

the demands are starting to come in from her.. lies, blackmail, half truths... this is going to be painful and ugly.

[worldgonewrong]

the demands are starting to come in from her.. lies, blackmail, half truths... this is going to be painful and ugly.

 

Man, that's what gets me -- why does she have to be so vindictive?

[marqueemoon4]

Man, that's what gets me -- why does she have to be so vindictive?

 

you don't know the half... she's vindictive because she has the OM and doesn't care about me at all. End of story.

 

i mean, she's real smart.. a friend told me there is a pic of her with her arm around her BF on FB.. and no one has even filed yet.

[marqueemoon4]

All 5 conditions of my stbx's settlement are a slap in the face and completely unreasonable. This person wants me to continue paying spousal support/alimony to her when she is in a relationship with an OM and living with him. She wants sole physical and legal custody and the visitation to stay the same (72/28). She wants a provision in the final order stating I won't speak to her about anything but our son permanently. She wants me to agree to a no fault divorce so she doesn't have to pay attorneys fees, and most importantly so the adultery issue doesn't come out in court.

 

Her attorney also stated that I "threatened to attack her friend" in a recent letter to my attorney. There is nothing this person won't embellish or lie about to get what they want. I told her via text that I'd confront OM at some point. She said that sounds like a threat, I told her I simply wanted to talk to him. Obviously no good would come of this, but at no time did I ever threaten physical harm on this clown.

 

This past 12mos has been the absolute worst of my life.. my stomach is still sick every day, I miss my son, my finances are a mess, I'm alone, and my adversary is f-ing some other guy with son under the same roof and lying about it. I give up.

[worldgonewrong]

Dude, don't worry - no way in hell is she going to get all those conditions. The adultery will bubble up and will nullify so much of her b.s.

[marqueemoon4]

Dude, don't worry - no way in hell is she going to get all those conditions. The adultery will bubble up and will nullify so much of her b.s.

 

Not really.. after spending over $2500 on a PI to prove adultery all it will probably do is block paying her alimony/spousal support... thats it. I was under the impression that it would help on custody, and I keep hearing that it won't really matter. So, basically she lied to me telling me she wasn't seeing anyone for months, then lied to me and told me my son was staying at her parents, I got proof she was staying at the OMs place, paid out a bunch of money hoping I could finally get some leverage against her, I mistakenly let out that I knew because I wanted it to stop, I'm pretty sure she is back staying there again, and now I'm finding out all its going to do is stop alimony, if that.

 

I'm trying to stay positive but I'm up against a nasty, vindictive person who doesn't care if I see my boy at all.

[worldgonewrong]

~sigh~ God, she is awful...

 

Well, at this point, I hope you're reversing course. In other words: POKER FACE.

She gets nada, zilch, zip in the way of reactions from you.

'Cause she's just feeding off it if you do. You have to STARVE her from wanting the emotional (sad, angry, etc.) feedback. At this point, it's all about power, so don't give her even one little scrap by accident.