You've Been Left... Analogy

[marqueemoon4]

so I ask again... do I fight her having our son co-habitate at this dirtbag's place or do I just let it go and take the pain?

[worldgonewrong]

so I ask again... do I fight her having our son co-habitate at this dirtbag's place or do I just let it go and take the pain?

 

You fight it in such a way that you are presenting an amicable, cool-headed solution, such that the compromise is felt on her end to be a victory even if it is a victory for you. Capiche?

[marqueemoon4]

You fight it in such a way that you are presenting an amicable, cool-headed solution, such that the compromise is felt on her end to be a victory even if it is a victory for you. Capiche?

 

there is no compromising with this person, she has proved time and again the last year that its all about her and what she wants, no matter how unhealthy for our son. the only compromise would be he stays at her parents who live a 1/2 mile away, but since she has all the leverage she thinks she can do whatever she wants.

[worldgonewrong]

the only compromise would be he stays at her parents who live a 1/2 mile away,

 

OK now wait - would that be a better situation as opposed to what's happening now? Probably, maybe.

[marqueemoon4]

OK now wait - would that be a better situation as opposed to what's happening now? Probably, maybe.

 

oh absolutely it would.. would she actually do it though? keep in mind she's a pathological liar too...

[worldgonewrong]

oh absolutely it would.. would she actually do it though? keep in mind she's a pathological liar too...

 

If she didn't hold to it, she would be in direct violation of a court order.

A few pictures & records from a P.I. indicating this, and things would shift further back into your favor...

[dreamingoftigers]

i have so many trauma triggers right now.. I can't keep track.

]

 

Four letters: EMDR.

[worldgonewrong]

]

 

Four letters: EMDR.

 

I'm going to look into this.

 

have you tried it?

[marqueemoon4]

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain's information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can causes intense suffering. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.

Twenty positive controlled outcome studies have been done on EMDR. Some of the studies show that 84%-90% of single-trauma victims no longer have post-traumatic stress disorder after only three 90-minute sessions. Another study, funded by the HMO Kaiser Permanente, found that 100% of the single-trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims no longer were diagnosed with PTSD after only six 50-minute sessions. In another study, 77% of combat veterans were free of PTSD in 12 sessions. There has been so much research on EMDR that it is now recognized as an effective form of treatment for trauma and other disturbing experiences by organizations such as the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association and the Department of Defense. Given the worldwide recognition as an effective treatment of trauma, you can easily see how EMDR would be effective in treating the “everyday” memories that are the reason people have low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and all the myriad problems that bring them in for therapy. Over 70,000 clinicians throughout the world use the therapy. Millions of people have been treated successfully over the past 20 years.

EMDR therapy is an eight-phase treatment. Eye movements (or other bilateral stimulation) are used during one part of the session. After the clinician has determined which memory to target first, he asks the client to hold different aspects of that event or thought in mind and to use his eyes to track the therapist's hand as it moves back and forth across the client's field of vision. As this happens, for reasons believed by a Harvard researcher to be connected with the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, internal associations arise and the clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level. For instance, a rape victim shifts from feeling horror and self-disgust to holding the firm belief that, "I survived it and I am strong." Unlike talk therapy, the insights clients gain in EMDR result not so much from clinician interpretation, but from the client’s own accelerated intellectual and emotional processes. The net effect is that clients conclude EMDR therapy feeling empowered by the very experiences that once debased them. Their wounds have not just closed, they have transformed. As a natural outcome of the EMDR therapeutic process, the clients’ thoughts, feelings and behavior are all robust indicators of emotional health and resolution—all without speaking in detail or doing homework used in other therapies.

[UntoldStory]

Sorry to jump in and so sorry for your pain, MM4. Just saw the EMDR reference and wanted to give two big thumbs way up. I've done it, my stbxh has done it.... and it really truly does help miraculously.

 

It doesn't heal all wounds permanently, but it turns many of those wounds that have crippled us for years from incapacitating to manageable, so that they feel "normal."

[marqueemoon4]

Sorry to jump in and so sorry for your pain, MM4. Just saw the EMDR reference and wanted to give two big thumbs way up. I've done it, my stbxh has done it.... and it really truly does help miraculously.

 

It doesn't heal all wounds permanently, but it turns many of those wounds that have crippled us for years from incapacitating to manageable, so that they feel "normal."

 

relationship wounds?

[UntoldStory]

relationship wounds?

 

Yeah, sorry.... from past and current relationships.

 

For me it was a combination of old old memories about my dad and brother. For him, the equivalent. But as it turned out, I also used it to feel "normal" about stuff that I'd gone through with STBXH. It pretty much works on every memory you have that makes you feel like you can't breathe when you remember it. If that makes sense.

[marqueemoon4]

Yeah, sorry.... from past and current relationships.

 

For me it was a combination of old old memories about my dad and brother. For him, the equivalent. But as it turned out, I also used it to feel "normal" about stuff that I'd gone through with STBXH. It pretty much works on every memory you have that makes you feel like you can't breathe when you remember it. If that makes sense.

 

interesting... just curious, was it covered under your healthcare plan?

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been through 7 sessions. It vastly reduced my BPD symptoms. That's right: BPD. I cope now without issues, in fact it is very very weird to look back on and see what was my life.

 

I also think that part of the huge disconnect between my husband and myself is that I used to have impulsive behaviour like him and I have been through far more EMDR then him so there is quite the gap in coping skills.

[UntoldStory]

interesting... just curious, was it covered under your healthcare plan?

 

Ummmm... first time through was like 15 yrs ago now, and no, I don't think it was covered bc I was seeing a therapist who was out of network.

 

Last time was this past year and my new therapist was in network so yes, I believe it was subsidized (but not fully covered, unfortunately for me).

[NXS]

 

do I fight this whole thing with my son staying with OM? Is it just inevitable.. will it make things worse trying to keep it from happening? she knows she isn't supposed to be doing it, but since she couldn't care less what I think she does it anyway.

 

When you say she isn't supposed to be doing it (having your son with OM) do you mean it's a part of a court order or it's just an agreement between you?

 

If you're going to fight this then you need to be seen to be reasonable and have a valid reason for not wanting him there. You've said before that you hired a PI to investigate them but I'm not sure if you came up with anything on him. Do you have a lawyer yet or are you waiting until the divorce is imminent? Have you gotten any advice on the legal issues?

 

There's something you should know about the family courts in the US, they are actually based on contract law and not Common Law. They are a legal fiction. The US, like all other former British colonies is still under the jurisdiction of Common Law, which basically means that if you do not cause anyone else harm or injury you have not committed a crime and the 'court' has no jurisdiction over you. I have successfully denied jurisdiction to the Family Court and District Court (driving charges) in Ireland, by using Common Law. However it's taken me a lot of hours of studying, as well as having the courage to stand up to their intimidation, in order to acheive this. It's not for the fainthearted or for anyone who doesn't have the time to study it.

 

If you decide to enter their jurisdiction then there's some things you should know:

 

You have to stay in honour and not be seen to act dishonourably.

 

You have to be seen to be reasonable and conciliatory.

 

Courts are there to administer law not justice. I'm sure you've heard the term "justice must be seen to be done", well that doesn't mean justice must be done, just that it must appear to be done.

 

You have to provide evidence to substantiate any claims you make. (a written record of events may be allowed as a submission to the court). Other documents, like the officer's report, will be allowed as evidence.

 

You are probably going to be attacked by her lawyer and must remain as calm as possible while this is going on. Do whatever it takes to try and not get angry (I'd suggest don't look at her lawyer directly and answer any questions to the judge).

 

The whole thing is just a big circus with the law industry making a lot of money to keep the charade going. Please don't go in there blindly.

 

why in the hell does this person think she is so much more important to our son than me?? she acts like he's her possession and she's just being nice by letting me have time with him. its infuriating.

 

Sadly this is a lot more common than you think, it's part of a sense of entitlement that is prevalent among a lot western women. They know that the courts usually act in their favour and they see men as nothing more than ATM machines. You didn't see this before because you put your ex on a pedestal and were blinded to these aspects of her personality.

[marqueemoon4]

There is no agreement between us or court order that he not stay overnight at some other guys place. I would think it would be common sense, but this woman has all the leverage and thinks she can do whatever she wants, no matter how detrimental to our son. I don't know if its law in VA, or if its just frowned upon by courts. I'll have to ask my lawyer, but honestly both lawyers I've had have been disappointments thus far.

Edited May 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

things not going good in May 2010.. one day I come home after a long day at work, she's at the top of the stairs panicking about our son wheezing. She purposely starts a fight and does everything humanly possibly to provoke me and push my buttons.. I'm so fed up with her I make a mistake I'll always regret. She leaves with my son and never comes back, its over that fast. 8yrs down the drain. I thought I'd have the rest of my life to work things out but she will file next week probably.

 

i should be over this by now. i should detest her for life for what she has put our son and I through. I've got to stop thinking about this and MOVE ON once and for all. Damn this abandonment issue.

Edited May 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[NXS]

There is no agreement between us or court order that he not stay overnight at some other guys place. I would think it would be common sense, but this woman has all the leverage and thinks she can do whatever she wants, no matter how detrimental to our son. I don't know if its law in VA, or if its just frowned upon by courts. I'll have to ask my lawyer, but honestly both lawyers I've had have been disappointments thus far.

 

This site seems to have resources to help you with the legal aspects:

 

http://www.dadslawyer.com/

 

If your lawyers aren't any good they'll just roll over and let her side win and then hand you the bill for their 'services'.

[NXS]

MM4 I've tried to send you a PM but it doesn't seem to work.

[marqueemoon4]

so, as people are telling me (thanks NXS) this is just a big game and my opponent doesn't give a F and will stop at nothing to get her way. I need to put all emotion aside and win this game. Subconsciously I've known this all along but I didn't want to believe my ex was as callous and spiteful as she obviously is.

Edited May 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[NXS]

so, as people are telling me (thanks NXS) this is just a big game and my opponent doesn't give a F and will stop at nothing to get her way. I need to put all emotion aside and win this game. Subconsciously I've known this all along but I didn't want to believe my ex was as callous and spiteful as she obviously is.

 

The 'game' I was talking about was the whole legal aspect. I'm not trying to trivialise the pain of going through a bitter separation and being a part-time dad with OM seeing your family more than you.

 

Just wanted to clear that up.

[marqueemoon4]

thanks NXS... I knew what you meant.

 

Friday the 13th.. one year since she left today. I wouldn't be surprised if I get served today.

[marqueemoon4]

I hoped my stbx has a conscience. she doesn't

 

I thought rebound relationships, especially with some scumbag on his second divorce, never work-- seems to be going just fine

 

I thought she'd miss us... she doesn't

 

I thought she'd miss our family.. she doesn't

 

I thought she believed in me.. she doesn't

 

I thought 8yrs of memories meant something, it doesn't

 

I thought I'd be fine without her, I'm not

 

I thought I could trust her.. I can't

 

I thought the 180 would pique some interest from her.. it hasn't

 

the list goes on and on

[change]

I hoped my stbx has a conscience. she doesn't

 

I thought rebound relationships, especially with some scumbag on his second divorce, never work-- seems to be going just fine

 

I thought she'd miss us... she doesn't

 

I thought she'd miss our family.. she doesn't

 

I thought she believed in me.. she doesn't

 

I thought 8yrs of memories meant something, it doesn't

 

I thought I'd be fine without her, I'm not

 

I thought I could trust her.. I can't

 

I thought the 180 would pique some interest from her.. it hasn't

 

the list goes on and on

 

I'm there with you MM4. I'm so sorry.