You've Been Left... Analogy

[dreamingoftigers]

I hoped my stbx has a conscience. she doesn't

 

I thought rebound relationships, especially with some scumbag on his second divorce, never work-- seems to be going just fine

 

Year one is still infatuation stage. Plus she is heavily co-dependent, you know this. Whatever it is isn't healthy and isn't happy without the "intensity" unless she has done a ton of work on herself. What are the odds of that?

 

I thought she'd miss us... she doesn't

 

She's avoidant and you escalate things. The perfect recipe not to deal with missing someone Lol.

 

I thought she'd miss our family.. she doesn't

 

Avoidant.

 

I thought she believed in me.. she doesn't

 

Believing in you would require her to examine her own behaviors.....avoidant.

 

I thought 8yrs of memories meant something, it doesn't

 

There's this 'a' word I keep thinking of, oh yeah.... Avoidant.

 

I thought I'd be fine without her, I'm not

 

You still haven't pulled through a proper 180. How many friends have you been hanging out with for instance. One major ear-marker I have found of co-dependent relationships is that there isn't enough outside interaction, that's part of why the two partners gets so embroiled with each other. Tbh you sound really, really isolated. That isolation spurs a lot of this on. Aside from work and the gym, what gave you been spending your time with?

 

I thought I could trust her.. I can't

 

No, you can't.

 

I thought the 180 would pique some interest from her.. it hasn't

 

180 means letting go, sometimes for months and building up your own self-esteem. Your self-esteem still sounds really ruptured. The hang-up is that you are looking at yourself through the scope of your family. However, your wife's judgment is imperfect (like the rest of us) and she doesn't understand your perspective. So her actions are not necessarily a reflection of who you are and what you do. Furthermore, you moving on from having her as family does nit mean you 'gave up' and didn't do all that you could (unless there is something left to try just to make a clean sweep and satisfy something that might be nagging at you.) You pulling forward means that you are doing the best you can regarding the circumstances. The end choice wasn't your fault even if you set the stage for it. Don't beat yourself up for something you had no control over.

 

the list goes on and on

 

When you see her in a poor light and are angered/shamed by it. I truly think it is because she shamed you by rejecting you. And continues to shame you by acting like you aren't worth her time.

 

I am willing to bet on her end that she is avoiding fear. Not intentionally trying to shame you unless her 'fear buttons'get pushed.

 

She is scared of dealing with you and knows that she messed up a lot for you and your son. By pretending not to acknowledge it, and trying to avoid it she figures it will be easier then owning her half of this. It isn't a reflection of you. She actually isn't telling you 'you are a defective partner.'

 

She is saying to herself 'I don't want to deal with this because it might be really unpleasant and I am too scared to deal with unpleasant stuff and find out I did some things really wrong. Because if I dud some things really wrong it means I am defective as a wife and mom. (she is a codependent from a shame-based family, trust me about the defective thing).

 

No you can't trust her because anyone who is so heavily avoidant will nit be able to accept their own actions as part of reality.

 

I hope at least some if this made sense.

[Craig2425]

Sorry man. Are you nc or have you been trying to talk?

You really need to go nc (except for the kid) and do the 180. Get out and go to the gym if you can afford a trainer get one. Try new hobbies. I don't know how old you kid is but try and get a new hobbie together. I'm sorry she's being like this but you really need to just let your lawyer what's going on and not talk to her for now.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Just try some new stuff and keep busy get your mind off of things for a little bit.

[marqueemoon4]

DoT.. thanks for breaking that down... I agree with you, she is a runner and extremely avoidant. Its the same pattern she has been in her whole adult life. I assume one day its going to catch up to her.

 

Craig.. I have been completely NC for 24 days, not a character of text, not a word spoken. I will continue this way until I'm healed, I'm sure she has nothing constructive to say anyway. I have alot to say still, but she doesn't want to hear it.

[worldgonewrong]

When you see her in a poor light and are angered/shamed by it. I truly think it is because she shamed you by rejecting you. And continues to shame you by acting like you aren't worth her time.

 

I am willing to bet on her end that she is avoiding fear. Not intentionally trying to shame you unless her 'fear buttons'get pushed.

 

She is scared of dealing with you and knows that she messed up a lot for you and your son. By pretending not to acknowledge it, and trying to avoid it she figures it will be easier then owning her half of this. It isn't a reflection of you. She actually isn't telling you 'you are a defective partner.'

 

She is saying to herself 'I don't want to deal with this because it might be really unpleasant and I am too scared to deal with unpleasant stuff and find out I did some things really wrong. Because if I dud some things really wrong it means I am defective as a wife and mom. (she is a codependent from a shame-based family, trust me about the defective thing).

 

No you can't trust her because anyone who is so heavily avoidant will nit be able to accept their own actions as part of reality.

 

I hope at least some if this made sense.

 

DOT - as always, your insight is keen.

I think this could apply to A LOT of wayward wives, even with different scenarios playing out. I see my own wife in this assessment, too.

[marqueemoon4]

looked on the VA Courts info website... she filed yesterday 5/16/11. Not a surprise but still depressing.

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT - as always, your insight is keen.

I think this could apply to A LOT of wayward wives, even with different scenarios playing out. I see my own wife in this assessment, too.

 

Ditto for my husband. He just doesn't want to deal with it and he takes any small thing I say, twists it and then goes on the offence. He only requires my presence in the room to start a fight, and end one.

[dreamingoftigers]

looked on the VA Courts info website... she filed yesterday 5/16/11. Not a surprise but still depressing.

 

Right behind you man.:(:(

[marqueemoon4]

you know.. at the end of the day nothing she does can stop me from loving myself and loving my son. really, she is doing me a favor. I'll be just fine.

 

nc will continue.

Edited May 18, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[updown]

you will be FINE! i'm right behind you, in VA too. we will both be FINE!! we will ALL be fine!

 

surround yourself with GOOD, POSITIVE people! you have the right attitude, just keep it up!!!

[marqueemoon4]

its gonna take time but yea, things will improve. I do have to say it disappoints me how little marriage vows mean these days. Oh well.

[worldgonewrong]

you know.. at the end of the day nothing she does can stop me from loving myself and loving my son. really, she is doing me a favor. I'll be just fine.

 

nc will continue.

 

BULL'S EYE.

 

And yes, keep the nc going for your own sanity.

[Craig2425]

Sorry man.

Good job on the nc keep it up.

Are you getting out? Hanging out with friends-family? Make sure you do. Talk to them or if come on here if you ever feel the need to talk to her.

Hang in there .

[marqueemoon4]

i have friends but most of them are married and never want to do anything. Family is over an hour away.. so I don't see them much. Been living a pretty solitary existence, I hate it.

 

stupid question of the day-- should I asked her if she is in love with this guy? If she told me the truth and she is maybe it would make getting over her easier?

 

thoughts?

 

edit: she's probably just going to be a bitch and say its none of my business.

Edited May 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

Either way, her answer is going to frustrate and sadden you.

 

Plus, if you ask her, it will be just another excuse for her to take a dig at you.

 

Just...don't.

[marqueemoon4]

Either way, her answer is going to frustrate and sadden you.

 

Plus, if you ask her, it will be just another excuse for her to take a dig at you.

 

Just...don't.

 

that and I can't believe a word she says anyway.... you are right.

[updown]

don't ask!! no point in asking really. she's not going to tell you the truth, and even if she did..... what good would it do for you?

 

all of my friends are married, with kids. it's rough. i have secluded myself nicely as well. it's a process. i'm working on it. my guess is that it's not a quick thing to figure out! meeting new people SUCKS! do you work? maybe reach out to some people you've never really met before........

 

i'm in NoVA too. there is A LOT to do here!! maybe there's a good meet up group for you!

[marqueemoon4]

yea I'm not saying a word to her.. just picked up my son, complete indifference on both sides and not a word spoken. i hate what she is putting me through, I'll never forgive her. My son said "OM is a good guy!" out of the blue.. I said did mommy tell you to tell me that? He said yes... I changed the subject.

 

edit: went to get the mail and divorce ppwk taped to my door. Spoke to my father, he said my attorney said that alimony is a big sticking point- ie she doesn't want to give it up. This is from the same person who has been cohabitating with an OM for months with our son. She's a cancer.

Edited May 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

self reflection points to these issues of mine that cause major relationship problems:

 

1. co dependency

2. adult ADD (why I act impulsively in high stress emotional situations)

3. abandoment issue

4. insecurity

 

these issues coupled with her issues (which she apparently will never address) were a recipe for disaster. I need to keep working on myself so my next LTR will be healthier and so I can be a solid role model to my son.

[worldgonewrong]

MM4: See, this is why I know you're going to be OK. You have a certain clarity of thought here. The fact that you're recognizing and addressing these personal things head-on is testimony to your strength.

[marqueemoon4]

 

unfortunately for my wife, she deflects everything on others. i don't feel like she will ever heal.

 

yea at first it made me absolutely crazy when she blamed everything on me, took no responsibility for anything. my feeling was not only was the marriage a complete disappointment, now I'm being blamed for everything too?!

 

I've learned thats her problem, there is nothing I can do if she refuses to look in the mirror. she's stuck in a clear destructive pattern, I truly believe she has a lot of BPD traits I'm sure she picked up from her mother. Again, her family is a case study in dysfunctionality. Its not my problem anymore.

[marqueemoon4]

thanks msws.. I'm trying.

 

i just dropped off my son, i dont know if I'll ever fully get used to having to see this person and we act like we don't know each other. of course she was all done up. this sh*t is just so unnatural.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes it is.

 

I have no idea how you are supposed to go through with limited contact with someone you are supposed to parent a child with. I have no idea where to start and there are a million people and books etc just waiting to criticize and shame every misstep.

 

I guess one begins by building a strong foundation with oneself.

 

Mm4, your stbxw is in for such a rude awakening when she gets older and discovers the common denominator in her relationships is her.

[updown]

once you accept that the relationship really is over, and you start the process of moving on with your own life, those encounters aren't so bad. you do get used to it. it just takes time, like everything else. and you really do have to accept that it's done.

 

and sometimes you find out, your life is better afterwards. then those encounters don't bother you at all!

 

i THINK you're a year out, right? give it a couple more months. see if you can come to accept the finality of it all. things might change. if you can see her as selfish and disrespectful ( of you) your perception of her might begin to change. and instead of thinking "oh man she looks great all done up," you think " i'm just dropping off the kids." and that's it. she no longer even shows up on your radar.

 

it does get easier!

[marqueemoon4]

i'd be pretty dumb to not know its over... she filed last week and hasn't tried to contact me in over 9 months. I'm still struggling with the betrayal, lies, being used, the financial loss, the fact my son won't have a real family, and that she is living with an OM.

[marqueemoon4]

rolled by a bar with a friend and saw the OM's douchemobile parked out front. good to see she is home with our son. Debating on whether to go in.

 

looks like they left, not sure if she saw me drive by.

Edited May 22, 2011 by marqueemoon4