worldgonewrong Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 the answer for me is A. forgiving myself for what I did wrong B. forgiving her for hurting me, intentional or otherwise C. let her go 100% D. keep becoming a better person and move on with my life. I'm single again.. the final divorce decree will be signed probably monday. You're hitting all the right notes here, buddy. I know it hurts like hell, but you will soon realize how FREE you are from her madness & things will improve. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yea, you shouldn't be looking if you get a depressing feeling from it. Once you're really ready you'll feel fine and good browsing through potential relations. It'll take a while to get there but "good things come to those who wait", right? In the meanwhile maybe a bit of harmless flirting and mixed social interaction might not go amiss. There were times in the deepest darkest parts of my situation where all seemed hopeless and a litle bit of a flirtatious chat pumped my self esteem up a few notches. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 oh man, did I ever do this too.. I sold her very short. And now she must be thinking ha I got a better man than you who adores me and you're a hot mess. Nobody can read minds. If you could you'd be Bill Gates rich. You have no idea what she's thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) this is true Rob. speculating doesn't help things. i dropped my son off at 6pm.. its the long stretch where I don't see him until thursday. I asked if there was any way I could see him before then.. like maybe sunday or tuesday afternoon. she said his cousins bday party is sunday so that was out but she'd think about it. I thanked her and was getting in my car. she said hey.. I'm sorry about your mom (on the day before Easter and her birthday my mom fell down the stairs of their house breaking 14 bones and was perilously close to getting paralyzed).. I asked her how she knew about that, said her lawyer told her (?) She said send your mom my best. I said thank you, I appreciate that and left. i got home and got really emotional (what a surprise). I wrote this text but no way I'm sending it.. I'm sure it'll just make me look weak. "After all of this is final, I don't want us to be at war anymore. I accept responsibility for what has happened and I'm over being upset. I wish things were different now but they're not. I forgive you and I forgive myself. I'll always love you, that'll never change. I'll always want my family back, thats just how I feel and who I am. Hating each other solves nothing. We need to work together to raise our incredible son. He deserves the best and loves you and I so much" just how I feel right now. its more of a 360 than a 180 though, obviously. Edited June 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 emotional negligence. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 it happens. don't beat yourself up too much. i think we all do this to our significant other from time to time. i know that i wasn't always the most understand or enthusiastic about things..... but, being told that monkeys could do what i do, that hurt. being dismissed hurts. updown: Lord, I am guilty of that (bolded). I know she's got her own issues, but I definitely acknowledge my guilt on that front. {shaking my head ruefully} Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 what's this? emotional negligence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 what's this? its the way both of us have acted the last 1.5yrs. the final divorce decree was signed this morning under duress. the deal sucks, imho and is totally one sided, as has everything been through this whole ordeal. no amount of my attorney saying I should feel lucky makes me feel any better. I did my best not to look at my ex at all, but on the way out saw her and realized I have no idea who this person is, I don't think I ever did. it was all an act. moving onward and upward. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I feel for you, MM4. Link to post Share on other sites
russell1968 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 its the way both of us have acted the last 1.5yrs. the final divorce decree was signed this morning under duress. the deal sucks, imho and is totally one sided, as has everything been through this whole ordeal. no amount of my attorney saying I should feel lucky makes me feel any better. I did my best not to look at my ex at all, but on the way out saw her and realized I have no idea who this person is, I don't think I ever did. it was all an act. moving onward and upward. That's just **** Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 actually, now that I think about it.. what I thought when my ex walked out was "wow, those pants make her ass look great". The same ass I (excuse my crudeness) tapped thousands of times over 8yrs and she's handed to some other guy, free of charge. oh well, she'll get hers in time. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 actually, now that I think about it.. what I thought when my ex walked out was "wow, those pants make her ass look great". The same ass I (excuse my crudeness) tapped thousands of times over 8yrs and she's handed to some other guy, free of charge. oh well, she'll get hers in time. My stbxw has stopped going down the gym and has been living a much richer lifestyle over the last few months. When she was parading around in her underwear in the bedroom the other day to wind me up, all i was thinking "good god your arse has got fat again", had a little chuckle. The same ass I (excuse my crudeness) tapped thousands of times over 8yrs and she's handed to some other guy, free of charge. oh well, she'll get hers in time. That doesn't bother me that much any more, also combined with the fact that she has been sleeping around since december last year I have no physical attraction for her at all and she is a good looking woman - much better now then she was in her 20's. Odd? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) you're way ahead of the game Jaymz.. i'm more attracted to her now then I was the last year of our marriage. standard want what you can't have nonsense. plus she looks much better now. I'm sure her douche bf has given her some new std's. whatever, I'll find someone way better... never settling again. Edited June 6, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I don't think I am ahead of the game, this part of the physical attraction has been killed off due to her actions over the last few months. I don't want to even touch her, it makes me feel unclean, i have to wash to feel better. Before when she was dressing up to go out just after I found out about the affair, it was killing me too, she looked a million dollars, i could look but not touch, someone else was enjoying her attention etc. I too found her more attractive than a few months before, I guess its for the same reasons, wanting what you cant have. While she keeps avoiding the gym, going out loads, eating badly and eventually moves in with scumbag, I know that she will get big and unhappy again. I am still on the emotional roller-coaster, loads of daily sh*t to deal with. I hope this is one area I don't back slide on. Little things like this help me to deal with everything else, it may be a very petty victory but right now I take it. Now you have the Divorce done, has it made any big difference to you? Or is it too early to tell with any changes you have done or planning to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 if I didn't get such a raw deal, I might feel relief.. I don't really. I'm glad I won't have to deal with lawyers any time soon hopefully. honestly, I'm sure she has her hooks in this new bf, so I expect she'll continue to treat me like garbage, so I have that to look forward to. ugh, I just remember I have to take a mandatory 4hr course on parenting after divorce, yay. thanks ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I'm seriously considering buying my friends 2010 Ducati 848.. its so insanely nice. like a gift to my self using the money I would've had to pay for alimony to that cheating, adulterous, soul sucking b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 BUY IT!! :-) I'm seriously considering buying my friends 2010 Ducati 848.. its so insanely nice. like a gift to my self using the money I would've had to pay for alimony to that cheating, adulterous, soul sucking b*tch. i am surprised to hear that you're still physically attracted to her. after all she has done! i know that most women find my stbx very attractive. he spends A LOT of time perfecting his body. and i used to be in such awe of it all. but, after years of having the gym and porn be a priority over me and US, that started to dwindle. after the last 2 yrs of torture i find myself not attracted to him at all. i find myself more attracted to people that look nothing like him. i am sorry that you are still hurting. and that signing papers today had the effect on you that they had. i just heard about this 4 hr course on sunday. it doesn't sound fun in the least. but, at least you don't have to take it together. just keep moving forward. this is a hell week for me, and i know my initial instinct is to just close myself off and hide. but, i have to keep moving forward so, i'm doing that as best i can. you can too ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 i know I should find her repulsive.. but damnit I don't! ugh. I also realized today.. she just looks like a bitch.. walks like one too. It was all fine until it was turned on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 ok, seriously.. how do I get this girl out of my head?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 do I just unconditionally love this woman after everything she has put me through? or am I just being clingy? is it the abandonment issue? confused. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 give it time. you have a backlog of memories with this woman, so I think it's natural that there's still 'something' there in your mind about her. It's natural. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 it's been a year, right? i don't know what to tell ya. i know it was easy for me because i had years of hurt and pain and once it was decided it was over i finally got to start dealing and healing and release all of that hurt and pain...... do you have a group of friends you can start spending time with? not couples, just random single people ( but in a group?) this is a rough week for me and i know all i want to do this weekend is find some sort of adrenaline rush!!! i'm even contemplating going alone because i know i can't just sit here any longer! give yourself some time. get out and do things. put away reminders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 it's been a year, right? i don't know what to tell ya. i know it was easy for me because i had years of hurt and pain and once it was decided it was over i finally got to start dealing and healing and release all of that hurt and pain...... do you have a group of friends you can start spending time with? not couples, just random single people ( but in a group?) this is a rough week for me and i know all i want to do this weekend is find some sort of adrenaline rush!!! i'm even contemplating going alone because i know i can't just sit here any longer! give yourself some time. get out and do things. put away reminders. I have a 40lb reminder with me over the weekend.. our son. miss him so much, haven't seen him since friday. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 i know :-( the kids part is hard..... i struggled with that A LOT last year. the second year does get better. it really does. make the best of your time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 so... last friday when i dropped of my son it was the dreaded 6 days w/o him, I asked her calmly if I could see him before thursday, either sunday or tuesday. she said sunday was out cause of his cousins bday party. I said ok well maybe tuesday, think about it and let me know. she said ok. she never txt or said anything and tuesday came and went. I realize I shouldn't expect any kindness or favors from her, but I thought it was kinda lame not to say anything. thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts