You've Been Left... Analogy

[updown]

i know i try hard to make sure the kids see their dad at least once if not twice a week. we will rearrange days and what not to make it work. i'm on the other end of your situation though..... i offer more time to him and i get accusations or attitude. never just a yes or a no. it has made it hard for me to offer because i know he'll say something mean or try to hurt me in some way.

 

but, if i were in your wife's shoes, i would have either made arrangements the day you asked or gotten back to you either to agree or make other arrangements. ask her again!!! i know not for tues. but maybe another day? 6 days is too long, especially if you're ASKING to see him!

[marqueemoon4]

i sent this txt at noon today:

 

"i was hoping to hear from u one way or the other about seeing xxxx yesterday.."

 

 

no response. I guess its going to be like that. I get him tomorrow, but I guess now the divorce is "official" she is really going to blow me off, even legit questions about our kid. great.

Edited June 8, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

so at 7pm I sent a text saying "that was a legit txt about xxxx.. you think I want to fight with you, I don't". 45 minutes later she txt me "I forgot". sigh.

[marqueemoon4]

last night i had a dream i gave my ex an erotic full body massage (thanks 2.50 a gallon). All the things I thought I'd have a lifetime to do with this woman... I was so naive.

[worldgonewrong]

last night i had a dream i gave my ex an erotic full body massage (thanks 2.50 a gallon). All the things I thought I'd have a lifetime to do with this woman... I was so naive.

 

I'm sorry, dude, but this cracked me up - particularly the part I bolded, because I remember that thread. :D

 

Don't beat yourself up.

 

Now that you're a FREE MAN, think of the next lucky woman for whom this will be a reality.

[marqueemoon4]

i'm a joke to her... no respect whatsoever. her feelings will never change, she is happy with this OM. i'll never get anything from her again.

[jaymz]

ok, seriously.. how do I get this girl out of my head??

I just think of all the stuff she has done and it doesn't make me want her any more. It gets easier, especially when my stbxw keeps making things worse. Now I miss the relationship stuff more, not her personally. I know I can have all the important relationship stuff again but with a person I do like. Just gotta think positive.

 

i'm a joke to her... no respect whatsoever. her feelings will never change, she is happy with this OM. i'll never get anything from her again.

 

Yep. Have to man up and she will start to respect you. She will shout and scream at you. Since I started telling my stbxw what I will and wont put up with, she has been different on occasions but is still power struggling with me and I still get the tamtrums - so still a lot of work to do but i have seen that it works. Rob has got loads of good advise on how to deal with this.

 

How do you know she is happy with OM? You are not a mind reader. She will lie and lie and lie to you. My stbxw has told me this so many times, but i know her well, it seems to be she is convincing herself more than me.

[worldgonewrong]

MM4: let me add, that I *guarantee* the OM will be a short-lived infatuation because he is (a) a hick and (b) nowhere NEAR the provider you have been and © nowhere near as responsible. I don't think she respects HIM.

As for respecting you, as the other poster just said, it's power-struggles. And when it hits her that you're both divorced and THIS is now the life she has chosen, hooboy, she's going to have to do some serious thinking.

[marqueemoon4]

oh she doesn't tell me anything.. I can just tell by the way she acts. and everytime my son is over he says xxx is a good person.

[worldgonewrong]

Your ex-wife will run out of ways to be spiteful when her energy is focused upon the NEW reality that she has created for herself. And then it's gonna be "what have I done?" time for her. Give it time.

[Craig2425]

Try turning the tables on her. Do what she does. Don't contact her about anything(unless it's real important about the kid). When she try to contact you (and she will when you stop being there for her) don't respond or wait 45 mins and say I forgot.

What she is doing is not right and nobody should have to be put through that.

Go out and have fun you deserve it.

Keep your questions abiut your kid short and to the point. Try to have one word answers and leave it at that.

I don't know if you're going out but you need to. Tonight the hockey game is on. Basketball tomorrow or the next. Call up your friends and get out and stay out(sorry for not reading the pages I've missed and if you are going out).

The key is to not talk to her at all that means about the kid too if you don't have to.

Wish we lived closer so I could get you out and keep your mind off of things.

Stay strong.

[Craig2425]

Your ex-wife will run out of ways to be spiteful when her energy is focused upon the NEW reality that she has created for herself. And then it's gonna be "what have I done?" time for her. Give it time.

 

Agreed. It will happen.

[debtman]

Yeah, OM and kids suck, but, the way I look at it is that I'd rather have them like him than hate him. I'd rather he be nice to them than be mean to them. Besides, once the "honeymoon" is over, she'll find herself right back in the type of relationship she thought she was leaving (because it's HER unresolved issues that are creating many of the problems) and OM will find himself in a relationship with someone who he discovers that he can't really put up with.

 

He did you a favor!! You're better off without the cheating liar. You really want to get back in a relationship with her and find yourself going through this again in a few years? She ain't worth it. Let some other dude fall for her bs. It's temporary. She'll change her mind just as easy with him.

 

Here's something I did that helped, make a list of ALL the things she did that annoyed you, bothered you, made you unhappy and look at that when you start reminiscing and smile and thing about OM having to deal with that.

 

There are LOTS of women out there man. Who will be willing to do things with/to you that your ex never would. Turn yourself around, build your confidence, go out and get involved and you'll be AMAZED at the opportunities that will present themselves and they will put your stbx OUT of your thoughts. Took me about 5 months to stop having dreams about my stbx. Now, I've got a few other women in my thoughts.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[marqueemoon4]

debtman, you are so right. who needs a woman who uses men because she can't do anything for herself, rejected me every time I tried to be intimate with her, uses our child against me, cheats, lies and the list goes on and on. yea, she's attractive, but looks fade and she's disgusting on the inside.

 

i just made the mistake of visiting a hockey forum I thought she wasn't on anymore and she was celebrating our divorce. stay classy honey.

Edited June 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[russell1968]

Yeah, OM and kids suck, but, the way I look at it is that I'd rather have them like him than hate him. I'd rather he be nice to them than be mean to them. Besides, once the "honeymoon" is over, she'll find herself right back in the type of relationship she thought she was leaving (because it's HER unresolved issues that are creating many of the problems) and OM will find himself in a relationship with someone who he discovers that he can't really put up with.

 

He did you a favor!! You're better off without the cheating liar. You really want to get back in a relationship with her and find yourself going through this again in a few years? She ain't worth it. Let some other dude fall for her bs. It's temporary. She'll change her mind just as easy with him.

 

Here's something I did that helped, make a list of ALL the things she did that annoyed you, bothered you, made you unhappy and look at that when you start reminiscing and smile and thing about OM having to deal with that.

 

There are LOTS of women out there man. Who will be willing to do things with/to you that your ex never would. Turn yourself around, build your confidence, go out and get involved and you'll be AMAZED at the opportunities that will present themselves and they will put your stbx OUT of your thoughts. Took me about 5 months to stop having dreams about my stbx. Now, I've got a few other women in my thoughts.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

The above post is the best that i have ever read on LS !!!

 

Debtman, you are an inspiration!

[debtman]

debtman, you are so right. who needs a woman who uses men because she can't do anything for herself, rejected me every time I tried to be intimate with her, uses our child against me, cheats, lies and the list goes on and on. yea, she's attractive, but looks fade and she's disgusting on the inside.

 

i just made the mistake of visiting a hockey forum I thought she wasn't on anymore and she was celebrating our divorce. stay classy honey.

 

Absolutely! You're much better off and, if I weren't bothered my OM spending so much time around my kids, I might be able to thank him for taking my W away from me.

 

russell, glad you like the post, just trying to keep it all in perspective...

[updown]

i'm sorry to hear this! it's mean. not classy at all!

 

i just learned that i am getting publicly trashed on facebook! he's posted negative things about me, and accused me of stuff, and some of my friends are still friends with him on there. today, i was doing something he wanted me to do per the separation agreement. while i'm doing what HE wants, he's bashing me on facebook!

 

stay the bigger person! don't sink to their level! you will find you are happier in the long run if you can take the high, or at least higher, road!!!

 

 

i just made the mistake of visiting a hockey forum I thought she wasn't on anymore and she was celebrating our divorce. stay classy honey.

[2.50 a gallon]

mm4, et al

 

debtman speaks the truth. My ex used sex to get me to marry her. When it came to looks she was a knockout, she was barely 20, and I was in my 30's, and it was any time, any where, any way, any place, up until I said I do. Shortly after the honeymoon, she let me know that all that had changed know that she was my wife and the future mother of my children

 

When we broke up I thought my sex life was pretty much over. I couldn't have been more wrong. I found that there were a lot of divorced women who were looking for a good man. Yes there were a number who were husband hunting, but there a great many more who were just looking for a good time. And many of them were just hitting their sexual prime. Many were up front that they had similar stories as my Ex-W and had been sexually inhibited with their former husbands, worried that he would lose his respect for them it they really let go. And now they were wanting to find the right guy to help them let the bad girl out.

 

That was 30 years ago, and times have yet to change. I am retired, and when it comes to looks, think Smurf, with a pony tail and yet on occasion women that I have barely met let me know that they could be interested in me. And I am talking 30 and 40 somethings.

 

Dudes, get your heads out of your behinds, don't be shy, just be friendly, and when it comes to dating, don't get serious, just have fun with them. By that I mean, take them to the local stock car races, or if the monster trucks are in town, or a ball game, or go-karting, or canoeing, and even fishing. You would be surprised at the number of women who have never been fishing

 

If you don't know how to dance, learn. Then practice and learn well.

 

I already knew how to cook, but after the break up, I taught myself to cook several gourmet meals, also such odd balls as chicken and dumplings. Then surprise them with quiche for breakfast in bed

[2.50 a gallon]

A general rule of thumb, Cheaters trade down, while the betrayed spouse eventually trade up. And I have personally seen if happen many times over.

 

I have no idea what my Ex-W now looks like, but I can guess. She had already added a few pounds during our six month marriage, her older sister was easily pushing 160, and her mom, probably weighed a good 10 to 20 pounds more than that.

 

My Ex was not into excercising, hiking, sports like tennis or softball, and rumour has it that she had at least 2 kids, so my guess that she probably now has a caboose the size of a garbage can is probably pretty close.

 

Not even close to what I now have. My lady is a grandmother to a 16 year old, and still has an hour glass figure. After the holidays she noticed that she had added about 10 pounds to her stomach, and went on a diet to get her flat tummy back.

 

When i first met her I shocked to discover that she was a couple of years shy of 40, as when she said she had babies, I thought from her looks that they were pre-school, as she did not look even close to 30

 

She is one of those who goes to great lengths to nightly wash her face with special anti aging products, and it has paid off as she still looks like she is in her 30's. Have i mentioned her long legs, and long hair. On topo of that she is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, every body loves her for her kindness.

 

She works retail, and I know she gets hit on, which she hates, and especially the guys who don't look her in the eye, and as she puts it talks to her boobs.

 

I definitely traded up as she is out of my league, but she don't see it that way, she thinks she is lucky to have me. She is all mine and nobody else need apply and at least once a day she comes over to me to tell me she loves me.

[debtman]

If you don't know how to dance, learn. Then practice and learn well.

 

I already knew how to cook, but after the break up, I taught myself to cook several gourmet meals, also such odd balls as chicken and dumplings. Then surprise them with quiche for breakfast in bed

 

Excellent advice, and so true. I've been cooking for years (benefits of waiting tables at nice restaurants all through college) and took some swing, tango and salsa classes. Need to get back into the dance classes, but I'm too busy with the chicks I met rock climbing, skydiving and playing volleyball.

[2.50 a gallon]

One of the best all time pick up lines is,"Would you like to dance?" and then if you know just a little bit and can relax, it is a natural male / female activity. By that I mean the man takes the lead and is her guide, at the same time, letting her be the star, by twirling her, in some ways quite similar to a seduction.

 

Also, there is some music that goes directly to a womans soul, by that I mean the words, the beat just gets to them and they just have to dance. Think of it how often do you see two partnerless women getting up and dance together. It is a celebration of life

 

One such song is and old disco tune, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gayner.

[marqueemoon4]

yea, my ex is big time into dancing.. dance team in HS, ballet, belly dancing (which I wasn't particularly supportive of once we got married) etc. I don't dance, can't dance, and have little or no rhythm. if somehow we ever got back together I would definitely do dance lessons though.

[4NewRoad]

Your analogy was beautiful. Have you thought about the fact that it is time, plain and simple, just time, what makes you turn your back onto that locked door?

 

And if during your time outside that locked door, you somehow were unable to focus on the second most important person in the world...YOU (your first most important person would be your son), then, rejoice at that moment when you finally stop yourself from grieving. You needed to go through that pain, through the agony of rejection, we ALL DO! It is one of life's "processes".

 

But the good thing about that, is that once that processing is done, it is likely that you will get back a sense of self-pride. And that action of finally deciding to walk away from that locked door, will give you strength to start anew, and I would hope you would do it much, much better than before.

 

You say there are other unlocked doors, yes, but give yourself time to know what you want first!

 

Maybe I'd like to suggest other forms of locked doors to work on...Regaining your self-esteem, learning to do something you always wanted to and that somehow you never dared, embracing the good things you have in your life.

 

Those might seem like locked doors some times wouldn't you say? But maybe by now you know "how to make a key that will work for those doors". It is YOUR time.

Best luck!

[2.50 a gallon]

mm4

 

Your wife likes to dance is all the more reason you should try to learn. From you post I suspect that you see that this was something that you could have used to strengthen your love bonds.

 

I was one the shortest guys in my high school class, which made it difficult to get close to the girls. However I did observe that at the school dances there were absolutely no guys dancing during the fast dances. Seeing an opportunity there I got one of my sister's friends to teach me the fundamentals

 

No, looking back I can now see that I wasn't a very good dancer, but just the fact that I had the cajones to try, made a big impression with the girls. When the hot songs were played, other girls would join in and I was out there shaking bottys with 3 or more girls, just having fun. All of which helped me to begin to see women in a different light and build my confidence with the opposite sex. Quite simply, they just wanted to have fun, and dancing was fun

 

Don't let you self get discourage with "I . . . can't dance, and have little or no rhthym" I felt that way at one time too.

 

My ex-fiance, who finally had enough of my years of lack of committment finally found another guy, and got the courage to tell me it was over. The last thing she said as she went out the door was words to the effect that I was a terrible dancer.

 

I already knew that I wasn't even close to being good. At first I let her parting comment win, and cut off my dancing until a girl friend who really was a good dancer pointed out that the reason that I had two left feet was my lack of practice

 

In my youth I was a pretty decent second baseman, on a double play, I could catch the ball, touch the bag, do an allmost 180 spin, and leap out of the way of the guy sliding in, and make an semi accurate throw to the first baseman, all in about a second or less in time, so why couldn't I get those same feet to move back and forward just a few inches in dancing. Simple, I had been playing catch with my dad from about age 6 on, and been playing catch with my friends from about age 8 on. That adds up to lots of practice.

 

You can do this, trust me, all you need to do is find someone to teach you the fundimentals, and then put in the effort with practise.

[marqueemoon4]

this woman is going to do nothing but make me miserable if I let her. the sooner I get that through my thick skull the better off I'll be.