You've Been Left... Analogy

[debtman]

mm4,

 

Sorry to hear that. I know it may not help to keep hearing it, but you ARE in a temporary situation here. She's done enough to you, don't give her the time or worry anymore. She's done you a favor by showing you what a two-timing cheater she is. You're SOOO much better off without her.

 

Worst thing is her callousness about your time with your son, BUT, he IS YOUR SON. She CAN'T do anything to change that or to legally prevent you from being with him (unless you give her grounds)...and he needs you now more than ever.

 

Don't bother thinking about/looking at other women now, you've got enough to work on for yourself. You've got to start doing things to get active, get involved and, when you're busy, when you're doing things, when you're mentally distracted, you WILL heal, you WILL find the positive in life. Don't waste another second on her. She's not worth a second thought. Focus on YOU! Life is EXACTLY what you make it...and, you've still got LOTS of amazing, incredible opportunities ahead. Don't miss them.

 

Hard to imagine things getting better from your perspective right now, but, trust me, I was there - things seem great with W and OM, she blames you for everything, she doesn't care about your son enough to make sure he gets the time he needs with you - Remember this, she'll come out of this she same person she was, just with more guilt (which she does feel, whether she shows it or not) and will end up with the same problems with OM eventually. You will come out a stronger, smarter, more emotionally and mentally prepared for a healthy, loving relationship. Your son will eventually see where the stability and loyalty is and will ALWAYS be your son, no matter what bad decisions his mom makes.

 

Be strong, LIVE your life. Go out there and TAKE it!

 

Good luck and keep posting....

[marqueemoon4]

thanks debtman.. i guess its temporary.. time will tell. MY son building a r/l with this lowlife OM is NOT important.. she sure seems to think it is. God she is ****ing despicable.

[debtman]

She's just trying to further justify her actions to herself to convince herself that she made the right decision.

 

I hate the time that OM spends with my kids (probably more than I do at this point, since he's always sleeping over, there during the week, etc.), but, I look at it this way, I'd rather he treats them well and they like him than to have him treat them poorly and not like them.

 

I have no respect for him...or for her either. They're both liars and cheaters who are so blind that they can't even admit that to themselves. But, I won't say anything bad about them to my kids. They'll learn the truth for themselves eventually and I won't let her drag me down to that level.

 

I just put on a smile when I see her, don't ever let her know that I have any problems, don't let her into my life or activities anymore, but she is the mother of my kids...and she always will be, so I will always have to deal with her. Better to put a happy face on it...for the sake of the kids.

 

She's given me a new opportunity to go out and enjoy life. She's given me an opportunity to focus ALL of my time with the kids specifically on them. She's given me a life free from her unrealistic expectations and unobtainable standards.

 

Took me about 6 months to start getting out and really participating in life again and, the past 2 months have been spectacular. Still have down times and hate seeing OM's car in her driveway when I drop off kids, but, I know that he has no idea what a mean, cruel, selfish, careless person she can be and it may take him years to learn...it took me years...but he will.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[dreamingoftigers]

God, this thread makes me want to stay for our daughter if nothing else. I don't want to be away from her half-time or make her feel terrible when she gets shifted back and forth. Her Dad and I love her so much but our relationship is the absolute pits right now and it isn't seeming to be getting any better. At least we have separate floors.

 

God MM4, is it worth it?

[marqueemoon4]

Is it worth you and you husband staying together for your daughter? Knowing your backstory I would say no. I think you're way too understanding and accepting of his f-ed up behavior and don't see him changing. Yours seems to be a true case of it'll be way more healthy for your daughter if she doesn't have to grow up in an environment that is toxic. You two obviously bring out the worst in each other. Yea, handoffs and splitting time with kids sucks big time, but unfortunately, its what needs to be done.

Edited July 7, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

Recent update on dealing with the exW... she had told me a few weeks ago our son was doing swimming lessons at this indoor pool thing on tuesday nights from 7-7:30pm and she said he would love to have his dad watch him.

 

I showed up tuesday at 7 and there were probably 20 parents watching.. I didn't even bother looking for her.. focused on my son the whole 30 minutes, he was really enjoying himself. After it was over she and he disappeared into the changing room and I waited in the lobby, they came out some exit near the front door and she turned around and told him to go see me (he had no idea I was there). He came running up to me yelling DADAS!! and gave me a big hug. I told him he did a great job and I was so proud of him. He said I miss you dada, I want to see you soon.

 

She said lets go.. I told him I loved him and I'd see him thursday. I again didn't acknowledge her in any way, and he walked out looking over his shoulder as I thought it would be best to let them leave then leave on my own. I had take a bunch of pics on my new phone that were pretty good. I txt her saying something like thank you for putting him in the class.. he really seems to like it! and attached one of the pics of him. No response of course. I didn't care and I felt good about myself.

Edited July 7, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

I had take a bunch of pics on my new phone that were pretty good. I txt her saying something like thank you for putting him in the class.. he really seems to like it! and attached one of the pics of him. No response of course. I didn't care and I felt good about myself.

 

See, this is the kind of thing that has driven me bonkers; my wife does this 'ignoring' thing too. So hurtful, so cruel.

Fortunately, I've tapered off with that kind of sharing, as it hurts me too much when she ignores.

[marqueemoon4]

See, this is the kind of thing that has driven me bonkers; my wife does this 'ignoring' thing too. So hurtful, so cruel.

Fortunately, I've tapered off with that kind of sharing, as it hurts me too much when she ignores.

 

yea.. i probably should'nt have txt that, but whatever, it didn't hurt at all when she didn't respond. if anything it just reinforces what a cold, cruel person she is and how much better off I am without her.

[marqueemoon4]

Lunch date with a really hot, really young girl. Wish me luck.

[worldgonewrong]

Lunch date with a really hot, really young girl. Wish me luck.

 

ALRIGHT! There ya go!

Just the shot in the arm you needed and DESERVED.

 

Hope it was fun!

[radiodarcy]

Lunch date with a really hot, really young girl. Wish me luck.

 

way to go mm4! i hope it went well!

 

i need to get off my dying dead a$$ and do the same but i'm still afraid of getting hurt.

[marqueemoon4]

it went good but will probably end up on the friend tip. its all good.. she's too young anyway. the key is I'm SO not afraid of rejection right now.. I've been rejected over and over the last year or so by my ex, I'm immune to it now. I just look forward to the next time I can get out and chat up some wimmen!

[dreamingoftigers]

If I were you, I would try to avoid a large age gap. The last one shows where a different starting stage in maturity will get you. A lot of men try to ignore this and keep getting stuck with some really avoidable and painful issues

[marqueemoon4]

Believe me, as far as LTRs go I will find someone closer in age to me.. unfortunately most women my age are cougars!

 

So, information about my exW keeps coming back to me.. I don't even ask for it. One of my good friends who was at the wedding, and whose brother went to HS with my exW, AND who got massages from her up until a few months ago told me some interesting things.

 

My good friend (and riding buddy) knows a guy whose gf works at the same place where my exW works.. he met up with this guy and some other guy who also works at this place was there.. my friend said hey do you know any other female therapists at this place cause he refuses to go back to my exW after the **** she has pulled. He mentioned he is good friends with her exH, the other guy is like I have nothing to say about her and later bragged to his friend that he "was hittin' it for awhile".

 

My friend calls me and is like hey this clown is saying he was hooking up with your ex.. I think he told me cause he wants me to be 100% done with her and see just how big of a skank she really is. It didn't even upset me at all, nothing does at this point. The only question was when this guy "hittin it". Apparently it was either right before she left last May or right after.. this guy was madly in love with her (again, they are coworkers) and when she met the OM she is with now she ended it with him and "broke his heart" and he is still pining for her. These are the words of this guys friend.

 

My friend asked what did she say about why she was separated from me, she said she just had to end the r/l because I was "abusive". My friend was like thats nonsense, you ever want to hear the other side of the story let me know. She is ridiculous, doing exactly what all these women do when they want out of a marriage/relationship totally blowing things out of proportion and rewriting history. Whatever, I deserve much, much better and always have. I should've never lowered my standards to be with her in the first place and should've INSISTED she stay on birth control. Hindsight.

Edited July 10, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

standing in the shower.. thinking.. this girl loves all this attention. her ex husband she left wanting her back for months, the coworker she gave it to who wants more, and the current OM who she is shapeshifting into a carbon copy of... its really sickening, and this is why you stay away from WOMEN WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES!!!! she seriously thinks she is hot sh*t right now.. all the lies/deception/cruelty will catch up with her in time. KRMA PLC!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

[dreamingoftigers]

standing in the shower.. thinking.. this girl loves all this attention. her ex husband she left wanting her back for months, the coworker she gave it to who wants more, and the current OM who she is shapeshifting into a carbon copy of... its really sickening, and this is why you stay away from WOMEN WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES!!!! she seriously thinks she is hot sh*t right now.. all the lies/deception/cruelty will catch up with her in time. KRMA PLC!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

 

I am not the #1 member of your ex's fan club or anything, but I thought I would point out that the info you received was 3rd or 4th hand with nothing to back it. You haven't mentioned suspecting her of cheating before SINCITY. Just thought I would mention that your friend may very well have a a very unreliable source and that he could also be trying to expedite the "getting you over her" process. To me, honestly, it sounded like a guy spewing crap (not your friend). Your ex is attractive and some guys (okay a lot of guys) like to say they "hit and quit" a hard-to-get attractive woman. She may have been "hard to get" because she was married.

 

My neighbour just pulled the ripcord on her marriage. Her husband shortly after they were married stayed out all night on two different nights. Now the general claim is that "she was cheating on him too before that and that's why he stayed over at the waitress' place, to get back at her." Frankly she did end up cheating on him later, but in the early days of their marriage when he is claiming that she was partying blah blah, I lived right next door to her on the other side of the duplex. At that point she was super-attached to her husband and would come over almost nightly sobbing about how he treated her and didn't pay attention to her, motive was there, but opportunity pretty much wasn't (she was at home with the kids pretty much 24/7 unless I was babysitting for her and then she was going out with her husband.

 

I am not saying for certain that it didn't happen, but quite frankly, I call bull****. He messed around, she wasn't happy, she's also quite a leech, got more into partying as time went on, got sick of being stuck with the kids day in, day out while her husband partied all the bloody time. She started messing around. He went to the oil rigs eventually, partied up there, she messed around more until she found someone she liked, they tried an open marriage and it fell apart after that. My theory.

 

Frankly, he is doing better finally focusing on his kids and she's a trainwreck who has always depended on everyone else to come to her rescue. She's with the new guy (who isn't going to stay, serial "hit and quit" guy my H has known for a dozen years). She can't get her life together.

 

back to my original point though: often after a marriage dissolves people like to expand or exaggerate what really went on. I would take it with a huge grain of salt, maybe a truckload of salt.

[marqueemoon4]

I mean really I don't care.... I've accepted she probably cheated on me.. oh well, she'll never admit it. Only thing that really sucks is that my sons mom is a ho-bag and a bad person.. but guess what that's her problem. I'm glad to be free of her. I really hope she goes back to her maiden name... I want as few ties to her as humanly possible.

[dreamingoftigers]

How is your relationship with your son doing?

[marqueemoon4]

couldn't be better.... we get along great. also I might add that in May she took him to a psychologist (unbeknownst to me) to have some behavorial tests run on him. I asked her why she did this, she said because he never listens to her and is all over the place. he's a 4yr old. also this is never a problem with me, he is very well behaved and polite though his big thing is he argues with everything I say it seems.

 

anyhoo, she gave me the psychologists report and its says he is exhibiting strong signs of ADHD. This is a 5 page report after 3hrs of cognitive behavioral assessment, and states that he is fidgety, doesn't look strangers in the eye, interrupts people in mid sentence, etc. again, I have not seen this behavior. it does mention that he is very scared of abandonment (much like his old man) and I've seen this as well. alot of this most likely stems from his very poor diet, he refuses to eat most things. going forward we're trying to get him to eat better.. less sugar, more fruits and vegetables and less fruit juice.

 

I mentioned that he is going through a tough transitional time and that isn't helping, but of course exW can't see how her selfish actions negatively affect others, she's all about her and her happiness.

 

I think we should get a 2nd opinion and will.

Edited July 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

sigh.. as much as I loathe her for what she has done the last year, I still think about her WAY TOO MUCH.

[russell1968]

sigh.. as much as I loathe her for what she has done the last year, I still think about her WAY TOO MUCH.

 

 

I know the feeling !!

[dreamingoftigers]

Geez you guys, how pathetic...

 

As for the ADHD, four is quite young clinically to start throwing aroung that diagnosis without at least:

 

1. Controlling for other factors (i.e. diet, like you mentioned and the recent family trauma)

 

2. Proper brain imaging. If there is something seriously structurally/functionally different with your son's brain it is very important that a proper brain imaging (SPECTral) scan be performed instead of the usual psychological "guess and check." Guess and check especially with any kind of drug on the developing brain can really change the course of his life. I would not touch meds without a proper brain image.

 

3. Checking for learned behaviour (i.e. interrupting for example, if you or your ex do this, then do not be surprised if your son picks up on it as a social norm).

 

I hate it when folks jump the gun and pretend to be responsible about it.

Either way, if she wants him on meds or making changes they have to be ones that you both agree on. Whoever wants to change the least wins.

[jaymz]

I know the feeling !!

 

me too!!!!!

 

:laugh::laugh:

[jaymz]

Geez you guys, how pathetic...

 

As for the ADHD, four is quite young clinically to start throwing aroung that diagnosis without at least:

 

1. Controlling for other factors (i.e. diet, like you mentioned and the recent family trauma)

 

2. Proper brain imaging. If there is something seriously structurally/functionally different with your son's brain it is very important that a proper brain imaging (SPECTral) scan be performed instead of the usual psychological "guess and check." Guess and check especially with any kind of drug on the developing brain can really change the course of his life. I would not touch meds without a proper brain image.

 

3. Checking for learned behaviour (i.e. interrupting for example, if you or your ex do this, then do not be surprised if your son picks up on it as a social norm).

 

I hate it when folks jump the gun and pretend to be responsible about it.

Either way, if she wants him on meds or making changes they have to be ones that you both agree on. Whoever wants to change the least wins.

 

I agree, it is too young and too short a session to reliably reach that diagnosis

[Surfer203]

The whole ADHD/ADD thing has been blown out of proportion. I think for the most part kids are kids. We were all crazy, wild and didn't pay attention. Nothing is new there, nothing ground breaking. It's our stupid society who has to label everything and medicate on a whim.