debtman Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Yep, the chameleon/co-dependent epidemic is strong with my stbx as well. She was the SAME way with wine. I've always been a wine drinker and tried many times to get her to try some different wines, but she never liked them, RARELY drank (mostly because she was a total lightweight and would get mean after a few glasses) and now, there are always several bottles of wine at her place when I go to drop off the kids and she always seems to be drinking wine with OM. She was also a huge fan of sushi (which I made all the time since our daughter loves it as well) and our favorite restaurant was a Thai place, but, OM doesn't like sushi or spicy food, so she doesn't eat it anymore. She's latched right onto OM and now she has him around to take care of the things I used to do. The kids tell me from time to time (I NEVER ask) about OM doing something, carrying something, setting something up, etc. that used to be my job. I wasn't happy in the relationship either, but I was willing to stay in it because I knew it was the best thing for the kids and I'm as easy-going as they come and could get away with saying "whatever" about the conflicts and rolling over and apologizing whenever they came up. I haven't started "dating" yet, but am doing LOTS of different activities and meeting lots of interesting/interested women but I'm just focusing on getting to know them as friends before pursuing ANY sort of relationship. No more "settling" in a relationship. I won't get involved unless I meet someone who can really be my friend AND lover. Just having a companion isn't good enough anymore... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 exactly settling with this girl is what got me in huge trouble in the first place. the best I can say about was she was always "there".... not emotionally but physically. Now she's gone completely. It breaks my sons heart but she truly only cares for herself. What a disgusting way to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 Just notified her via text that as of this coming Monday she's off the healthcare plan. Wasn't trying to be mean but she needs to know. I've been paying for it for 14 months since the ingrate left. I'll never understand this persons sense if entitlement, its so counter to the way I was raised. Not my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 It breaks my sons heart but she truly only cares for herself. What a disgusting way to be. Absolutely...even more reason to do everything you can to be there for your son in every way possible. Now YOU have to be the best parent you can be so that he can see how a selfless parent cares for their child. The hardest part for me is keeping my frustration at her, at the situation she has put me in, at the finances of everything separate from my interactions with the kids. Sometimes, as I drive away from her house after picking them up, and OM's car is there and I just dropped off 1/2 my monthly income to her, I'm so frustrated, then the kids start arguing and my first instinct is to blow up and yell at them, but I have to remind myself that it is not their fault and I'm not frustrated with them. So, I take a few deep breaths and calmly ask them to please stop arguing and we'll figure out a solution to whatever the problem is. They're the best thing(s) that have ever happened to me and I have to remind myself that, regardless of what else she does to me, how annoying she gets, etc. she is still the mother of my children and we have to work together to get them the best life we can provide. And, since she's so focused on OM and herself, I have to take extra care with them to make sure they know how important they are... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 comments below in BOLD Absolutely...even more reason to do everything you can to be there for your son in every way possible. Now YOU have to be the best parent you can be so that he can see how a selfless parent cares for their child. you be the best parent for one reason and one reason only - because that is your #1 job, with or without a spouse The hardest part for me is keeping my frustration at her, at the situation she has put me in, at the finances of everything separate from my interactions with the kids. Sometimes, as I drive away from her house after picking them up, and OM's car is there and I just dropped off 1/2 my monthly income to her, I'm so frustrated, then the kids start arguing and my first instinct is to blow up and yell at them, but I have to remind myself that it is not their fault and I'm not frustrated with them. So, I take a few deep breaths and calmly ask them to please stop arguing and we'll figure out a solution to whatever the problem is. I know that pain - giving a monthy check to someone who has betrayed you and the family is almost like torture, my saving grace was to see that the kids were clothed, well fed and had a good roof over their heads - I looked at it and saw my money was for them, not her... luckily for me my state has a pretty liberal alimony policy. Because the marriage was only 6 years and we made about the same she would have gotten very little for only a couple of years and in the end waived alimony all together. I can't imagine what it would be like to pay BOTH support and alimony to a cheater. BTW - my support payemnts are over! My kids are with me! (all over 18) Win/win situation all around! They're the best thing(s) that have ever happened to me and I have to remind myself that, regardless of what else she does to me, how annoying she gets, etc. she is still the mother of my children and we have to work together to get them the best life we can provide. And, since she's so focused on OM and herself, I have to take extra care with them to make sure they know how important they are... excellent my friend! you get it! very early on during the divorce is always tough. As a reminder of what was really important to me I wrote my kids names on 3 index cards and taped them to my bathroom mirror - so every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up I made sure I saw in bold letters why I need to keep moving forward... and when I starting dating this one lady she joked and asked me if I often forgot my kids names! lol - she actually said she knew exactly what I was doing when she saw the names there ... Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 see comments in BOLD Dot you will always have a place in the club Funny thing is I guarantee the relationship with the OM is every bit as unhealthy if not worse, but its new and this guy is "nice" to her so she fools herself into thinking its "healthy" and a vast improvement over me. yes, there is a good chance this will blow up in her face, often realtionships that start with an affair are full of lies and half-truths, you don't need to be a PhD in Family counseling to know that is a recipe for disaster. Now what I'm about to say may contradict every thought you have on the matter - if she stays with this guy you should hope for your son's sake that her new relationship works out for her. I know it's a hard concept to grasp right now but for him seeing his mom truly happy and dad truly happy (you will be there soon enough!). When I broke up with m ex years ago a saw a counselor for a few months, he told me what I told you above, in the end I was there for all occasions, plays, holidays, sporting events often sitting and chatting with the ex and her new husband (yes, the one she betrayed me with) - I did it for the kids at first and in no time it was second nature - BTW, if you want to hear the details of my story look at my thread in this forum titled 'My Story' Bottom line was I wasn't happy with her, and now I've been alone for over a year and the harsh reality that the dating scene sucks has been painful. She's a semi attractive girl so finding someone new probably took 10-15 minutes, and since she morphs into whatever her partner is there is no conflict whatsoever. Like let's say I'm liberal and meet some woman who shows interest in me but she's a staunch conservative. Sorry that's a deal breaker for me, and there is no way I'm compromising my values or beliefs to be with anyone. That's not a problem for her, she'll chameleon into anything in the name of comfort and security. I know it's hard but try moving forward without thinking about what she is doing or why she is doing what she does... stick to your guns - you have values and beliefs and that is a huge plus, try adding one more belief: "I will begin to stop thinking of what and why she does things, I'm there 100% for my son even when he's not physically with me" I know what you are going through, I've been there and back (and I even tried to be there again) - we come out just fine, heck, even better. Trust me. 100% for your son, that is your motto - time thinking of her takes away from that 100%.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 <------ babysitter, ATM, and hurdle between my ex and her perceived happiness Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 when you want someone to miss you so much and they just DON'T. when you want to believe you couldn't possibly have put everything into someone who never really knew you or how to love you. when you're stuck caring about someone who hasn't cared about you in years. when you spend most of your time missing your child. when you feel completely alone and empty. when you feel like you are at odds with pretty much everyone no matter what you do. when everything you worked for the last 15yrs is on the precipice of crumbling. all because of a stupid relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 The desire to take her back, fix things and have everything again is a desire i completely understand. It is at times totally overwhelming and emotionally crippling. But you and I know, deep down, that the stbxw is not the same, things will not get fixed and you will never have it all back the same as before. Letting go is going to be the hardest part. I read debtmans thread and I see what i am going to be going through over the next few months. I am in an empty house, i have no money, i dont see the kids anywhere near enough, i have to go to their new house to pick up the kids, run into scumbag, see him down the school, see him with MY kids, see him with MY life, see him with everything I love, see him with everything i worked for. But debtman and other like him say over and over again that their life does get better. it does get easier. I believe that. its what keeps me going. Our stbxw made a choice. we all have to live with the consequences of that choice. yes its unfair. yes its intolerable. yes it hurts like a knife to the heart. I am in the same place. I follow the great advise here and slowly move on, improve myself, get to know myself, untangle my life from hers. It will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 jaymz and mm4, It DOES get better. I didn't have the kids this weekend, which sucked, but I knew their mom had party plans with the kids friends and their parents, so I know they were having a great time. I called each night, but only talked to them, briefly, once, but that's because they were so distracted and playing...which was good. This was really the first weekend that I didn't have the kids where I hadn't made plans to go do things with friends. My weekends for the past 2-3 months have been FILLED with kayaking, climbing, skydiving, kite surfing, etc. and BUSY hanging out with old friends, making new friends, etc. so I was a little nervous about a weekend with no plans. But, it was great! I spent all weekend cleaning the house, organizing the kids rooms, finishing TONS of projects I didn't have time to finish in the past. I spent LOTS of time outside in the gardens, landscaping, canning cucumbers & jelly, making gourmet dinners/meals just for me, working out, etc. and did it all on my own schedule. When I was done with something, I had time to stop, look at it and enjoy it. I went outside last night and spent almost an hour just wandering around the property, looking at the moon and stars, feeling the wind, and just enjoying the solitude. I had no thought of my stbx, or any desire to have her there with me. She's moved on and, I think, so have I. After her last moment of insanity a week or so ago, followed by her apology, we've gotten along very well. We're "friendly" with each other and I'm planning to give her a few jars of the pickles and jelly I made over the weekend, which, I know will mean a lot to her. I've still got a long way to go, but it gets easier and easier to focus on the kids and myself. I'm finding happiness and satisfaction being single again and am enjoying the freedom of being a bachelor. And, there's NO shortage of available, interested women when I do decide I'm ready to start looking for someone to spend more time with. Keep on going. Rest assured, it DOES get better... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 i believe it'll get better... it can't hurt so much forever. what i wonder is will I ever get to the level of confidence, happiness and centeredness I had before this entire fiasco. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 it'd be nice if any of the cliches I always hear applied to this situation: life is full of 2nd chances: I'll never get one from her women like single fathers: seen 0 evidence of this rebounds never work: hers seems to be going fantastically. as soon as I let go she'll gain interest: nope absence makes the heart grow fonder: not from her perpective be careful what you wish for: no worries, I'm not gonna get it Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Dude.. sayings are meaningless. Don't live by sayings. Believe me things are not going as well for her as you think and even if they are currently, it is fiction.. eventually it will end and she will be miserable for what she did to you and who she became. You keep doing the right thing, keeping living life and trying to be the best person you can and that's all you have to worry about. Another MUCH BETTER woman will come along who is deserving of a guy like you. Keep your head up! Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Hey MM4, I won't tell you she'll come back nor that she misses you because thats not always the case with exes. Sure, we'd like to think it is and heck sometimes it is... though... Not always. Most likely they're happy with their decision. They don't regret what they did because they did it willingly. Don't get caught up in thinking that if you would have done this, or you would have done that, there would've been a different outcome. It hurts but what you have to do is build yourself up from scratch. What types of things would/do make you happy? GO OUT AND DO THEM! Don't go out and try to date when you aren't ready (believe me on that). It's a slow process but ultimately a rewarding one. Life is too short to dwell. You do not want to wake up, one day, 10 years from now and wonder why you wasted away those years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 man I will say you have come SO FAR.. i remember when you ended up in the hospital.. that was so crucial. good work man, keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 man I will say you have come SO FAR.. i remember when you ended up in the hospital.. that was so crucial. good work man, keep it up! Oh thanks MM4. It's been a really difficult path and self struggle, but it's been possible. I thought I was a weak person but I realized I'm as strong as ever. If I can do it... so can anyone. I guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Dude.. sayings are meaningless. Don't live by sayings. Believe me things are not going as well for her as you think and even if they are currently, it is fiction.. eventually it will end and she will be miserable for what she did to you and who she became. You keep doing the right thing, keeping living life and trying to be the best person you can and that's all you have to worry about. Another MUCH BETTER woman will come along who is deserving of a guy like you. Keep your head up! Thanks.. I'd like t think good thing are going to happen but after the events of the last year I'm not feeling optimistic. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 MM4 Have you noticed how debtman sounds to be doing so much better than you. The situations are similar but the results are totally different. You could be following his same path towards a better life and the key word is detach. Debtman has let his wife go and is moving on in life. While you are still hoping that somehow she will see the light and come back to you. You are wondering whether she ever thinks about you. If you want her to think about you, give her something to think about. By that I mean change your attitude and move on in life. Right now you keep playing the same recording and she is not responding becasue it is the same old tune, she has heard it numerous times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) MM4 Have you noticed how debtman sounds to be doing so much better than you. The situations are similar but the results are totally different. You could be following his same path towards a better life and the key word is detach. Debtman has let his wife go and is moving on in life. While you are still hoping that somehow she will see the light and come back to you. You are wondering whether she ever thinks about you. If you want her to think about you, give her something to think about. By that I mean change your attitude and move on in life. Right now you keep playing the same recording and she is not responding becasue it is the same old tune, she has heard it numerous times. ok... well the same tune is the truth. she only doesn't care because of this doosh OM. I have "moved on" with life.. and really I can't stomach hearing that cliche anymore. My attitude is fine, considering.. and yea I would like her to see how selfish, stubborn and ignorant shes been but thats probably never going to happen, much easier just to lie to yourself and place all the blame on the other person. believe me.. i don't want to think about this, I don't want to be constantly missing my son, and I would like to have some faith in humanity but I've seen this nonsense on numerous occasions, and at the end of the day people only care for themselves. and no, I don't think thats the right way to be. the fact I'm generous, loyal, caring and forgiving apparently makes me WEAK and not worthy of her respect LOL. So, why should I respect her? I absolutely shouldn't.. and guess what? Since she doesn't "care" it doesn't matter to her if I respect her or not. Nice little equation, huh? NOT CARING ALLOWS YOU TO **** PEOPLE OVER WITH NO REPERCUSSIONS.. apparently. Edited July 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Oh, but the repercussions DO eventually come. You might not be there to witness them. But eventually she will choke on all the bullsh*t she's thrown out there. Lies & cold-heartedness can only take her so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 wgw is spot on. This b**** will get hers one way or another. You can be the better person and not concern yourself with her inevitable future misfortunes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Well for one I don't see any repercussions down the road, only reason it would concern me was because of our son. Yea, I have a REAL problem with getting completely used/played/abandoned/****ed over by her. Do I wish bad **** on her? I do. She deserves it. Mainly this comes down to: because she is a BPD b*tch with no conscience I have to lose out on 70% of my sons life. because of the completely ****ed up way she cheated, provoked fights, planned her exit, slandered me by saying I was abusive, lied over and over, moved in with dirtbag OM in like 4mos and lied about that, has used every dirty trick in the book to take as much money from me as she could, tried to keep me from my son for 2yrs via a bogus protective order, knew she was destroying my life and sat idle and took 0 responsibility for it. 14 months later it still makes my stomach sick.. and more despicable info about her continues to roll in. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Dude.. I promise you. One day it will hit her like a ton of bricks.. the remorse and sadness she will feel for what she did. It will eat her alive for the rest of her life. Once her current reality dissolves, she will be left with herself and only time to think about how selfish she was and how she damaged your life. Trust me. This will be punishment enough, she will never be able to erase the horror she caused and she has to live with that. By then, you will be healed and living a MUCH happier and better life, I promise you. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 mm4, Even if she never sees what she's done, things go fine with OM and she somehow avoids repeating this exact pattern again, your son will see the truth of the situation, will realize where the stability, generosity (with your time more than $) and honesty is and, no matter how much time you miss out on with him, he will ALWAYS be your son. I came from a divorced home, grew up with my mom in Arkansas and came up to NY to spend the summers with my dad until I was 18. When I was 26 I moved up here and we have a fabulous relationship and it was never affected by the amount of separation, time apart, etc. I know who he is, what he has sacrificed for me and how much he loves me. Also, your life WILL get better...constantly. It sounds like you've done well in "letting her go" but you also have to work on (as I do) letting your cares about her go as well. I've learned lots of crazy things about my stbx since this all started (much of which was stuff she told me out of spite) and it was a huge relief when I realized that I don't really care about it. Our past relationship is GONE. I never need to argue or even discuss that part of my life with her EVER again. When she brings things up, if they're not about the kids, I can feign interest, but it doesn't affect me at all... You're doing great...it's hard to see sometimes, but you're consistently making progress. Keep focusing on yourself and on your son... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I came from a divorced home, grew up with my mom in Arkansas and came up to NY to spend the summers with my dad until I was 18. When I was 26 I moved up here and we have a fabulous relationship and it was never affected by the amount of separation, time apart, etc. I know who he is, what he has sacrificed for me and how much he loves me. this happened with me as well. my parents are divorced and as much as my mom trash-talked my dad -- both in front of us and to her friends over the phone -- i saw the situation in a much different light. i never bought into her lies and manipulation and truth be told -- up until then, i had been closer to my mom. but after that, not so much. i knew how much my dad loved us and that his actions were not matching her accusations. he also never spoke ill of her to me or my brother. so yes - - i'm sure your son is taking it all in now and as he gets older he'll really start to understand that there are always two sides to every story. Link to post Share on other sites
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