At a complete and utter loss.

[mmb.79]

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 2. Sex with us always been a hit or miss kind of thing; we used to fight a lot and when that was happening, we wouldn't have sex. When we rectified those issues that were causing the fights and made the effort on both of our parts to communicate better with each other and be honest instead of trying to avoid the issue, our sex life got better, we got married, bought a house, and things were going great.

 

My husband has a sexual fetish that I've always been very supportive of and I am very involved in. I enjoy it and it's a turn on for me, although it's not really *my* fetish, if that makes sense. A large part of our sex life revolves around that, and after a few years, I noticed him making less of an effort to do the things I really like or want for myself. I brought this up to him and he acknowledged the change and said he would do a better job. He didn't. I brought it up again, he agreed that he needed to be more cognizant of it and he'd try harder. He didn't.

 

After having five conversations about it, down to being as detailed as possible with what I'd like him to do for me, buying fun new toys to make it happen, and continuing to do all of the things he enjoys, nothing changed. I eventually became hurt, then as it continued to not change, I became angry. I gave it one more chance to talk to him about it, waited a few more months, and still nothing.

 

I finally gave up and just stopped doing anything. I felt I tried the best I could, was open and honest with him about my needs that weren't being met and I gave him the best feedback I could on how he COULD meet those needs. He just never did anything with the information, and I gave him 15 months to try and make those changes for me.

 

Over the last two months, I've felt myself withdraw from our relationship to the point where I don't even really want to be hugged or kissed by him. It elicits no response in me and I'd really prefer he didn't even bother. In every other aspect, I still love and care for him in the same manner, but this is slowly killing me and my love for him. He's finally come around and wants to make changes, but in my mind, it's too little, too late.

 

I've been seeing a counselor independently, to discuss all of this, and it hasn't really helped. I just feel so angry that I gave him so many chances to fix the problem and he didn't take those chances and only reacted when he felt like he might be losing me. He will not see a marriage counselor, even though I feel like it may help.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a way to get back to a place where it's possible to even try and regain the lost intimacy? I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I don't have much faith in his sudden desire to make things better. I'm afraid to trust him and have it all end up like this again.

[riley707]

Sounds to me like you need to do a mini 180. You need to remove yourself from this drama, and start working on what can make you happy outside of your marriage.

 

By doing this, you will be stronger in your will. It has got to be a balanced give and take. Either you decide that sex isn't as important to your life as you had planned, or your learn to deal with it only when you feel there is balance with your needs and his needs.

 

It would help the board if you give just a little bit of background on the fetish, which is relative. Is it diapers, stockings, leather, animals..or what? Some are easier to deal with than others.

[TaraMaiden]

Frankly, you can't fix him.

 

You can give him the map and the manual, but unless he puts one foot in front of the other, and uses the tool-kit to do the maintenance, then frankly, it wouldn't matter if it was vanilla sex or swinging from the chandelier dressed in latex and feather boas - no go.

 

It still wouldn't be fixed, fetish or no fetish.

 

The fetish isn't the problem.

The problem is that he doesn't see he needs to make the constant and remedial effort, to meet you half way, try to make you happy, and compromise.

 

So you have two choices, really, don't you (given that he dismisses counselling and won't consider it at all)....?

 

Stick around and suck it up,

 

or

 

Call it quits and tell him that since he doesn't do it for you, and has never attempted to do so, in any constant and sustained way - you're calling it a day.

 

But either way, you have to commit to it 100%.

 

No empty threats, no gritting your teeth and bearing it.

 

You either choose to stay and make the best of it, and re-commit,

or you end it - but you really DO end it.

[mmb.79]

riley, the fetish is diapers. We have a whole room in our house dedicated to it, that connects to our bedroom through connecting closets. And again, I enjoy it, it's just not what *I* would have chosen.

 

Tara... I know. I know you're right and I have a lot of thinking I need to do. My first instinct is I don't want to lose my husband and I'm willing to make the sacrifice, but then I think I'm not really ready to do so, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

[TaraMaiden]

riley, the fetish is diapers. We have a whole room in our house dedicated to it, that connects to our bedroom through connecting closets. And again, I enjoy it, it's just not what *I* would have chosen.

 

Tara... I know. I know you're right and I have a lot of thinking I need to do. My first instinct is I don't want to lose my husband and I'm willing to make the sacrifice, but then I think I'm not really ready to do so, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

 

Your first instinct is based on an emotional impulse.

There'a the attachment you feel to him, that feeds and nurtures the affection you feel for him....

 

Your second thought is fuelled by practicalities, and the fact that you must face the hard truth|:

 

This - is never going to change.

 

The compromise and acceptance you yourself must implement, alone, has to last for good, and more than likely adjust to your detriment as time goes on, because while he sees that you are prepared to back down, and do things his way, he will continue in the same vein - and then push for more compliance.

Hell, if you can step down and suck it up, you'll do anything, right?

 

So while I understand that there is the comfort and dependency, affection and a need for companionship - how much is it worth to you, for the sacrifice to your own Self?

 

In short - is Love really enough, when the effort is being pushed from one side only?

[riley707]

Tara your head is screwed on tight. I love it.

 

The thing with fetishes, in my own professional experience, is that what occurs is only the infinite tip of the iceberg. Over time, new bars are set, higher standards are set. Your H is trying to discover something with this, and in the hopes he can feel what he is trying to replace.

 

I'm sure that over time, you will feel that everything is about the fetish. Diapers has been discussed here in the past. There are plenty of people in your situation. Normally I've found that the person who jumps in with the fetish in fact has no tendency towards fetish and ends up resenting the change.

 

Try this. Write down ten things you love about your life. Keep them broad. And then rank them in terms of importance. Looking at them as a whole, find out where "mutual understanding of what makes sex satisfying" ranks. And then imagine if you could live without the rest in order to correct this.

 

I am not saying you should, but if you choose to divorce over this, imagine what your life would be like if things were settled in the bedroom, but everything else was a mess? Money was an issue, security, freedom, trust....you name it. Take those emotions and bounce them back and forth with a non-diaper life and a deeper diaper life.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes we should just read the post and discuss the issues, but to get past the fetish does not address the issue.... Sorry but this fetish strikes me as an overpowering one that takes precedent and is what he equates sex too.

 

One can have a fetish with stockings, feet, leather, cross-dressing..... But there are certain ones that do cross an imaginary line or is so far out, and this one strikes me as one that needs to be fed in order for sex to be satisfying to him.

 

I don't know if "regular" sex or what you want computes for him, because that is not sex for him. Sex only works with his fetish.

 

He should be kissing the ground you walk on, that he found someone who would indulge and enjoy his fetish. To expect you to only indulge his fetish is is selfish, however I doubt he can do anything about it without intense psychoanalysis.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and very few nibbles..... Had to bump it;)..... Sorry but how does one react when they hear Diapers as the fetish???? Run screaming and Hide?

 

A few weeks back we had the silk stockings fetish overriding a posters every need and you could tell as mundane as stockings as a fetish go, he took it too too far and was told that in no uncertain terms here.

 

But Diapers???? A whole new level on the fetish scale......

 

Sorry shouldn't laugh and I do feel sorry for the OP (and her husband).

[giotto]

a fetish is a fetish... the most important thing is that the partner enjoys it too - to a certain extent. As you, TDP, say, if it takes over, well, it's not enjoyable anymore. It's got to be balanced...

[Sooner or Later]

I think it is amazing that you have indulged his fetish when it really isn't your thing. That is really supportive and a self-sacrificing act.

 

However, I think that this is one of those fetishes that is COMPLETELY connected to his sexual arousal and will not go away, nor is he really willing to explore your needs.

 

I have to say move on. I do give you credit for partaking in a very narrow fetish; he should (as another TDP stated) be SO grateful that you have indulged him.

 

This is not going to go away. You deserve someone who will explore your needs and desires...and not just when he is panicked with the thought of you leaving. That, to me, is just him freaked out that he will be alone.

 

You need to think about if you are prepared to live with his fetish forever at the expense of your own sexual fulfillment.

[mmb.79]

Honestly, at first understanding the fetish took some time. I mean, it's not exactly the norm, or even one of the ones that is "acceptable" in a lot of circles. But, I love my husband and would do anything to make him happy. Once I started being more open to it, I did/do appreciate certain aspects of it, and like I said, we do some play that is a turn on for me as well.

 

But, you're all right - everything has come to be about it, in sexual situations. Even in non-sexual situations, sometimes. I wouldn't mind, and I tried not to make this post about that, because if there were any sort of balance I'd ge okay with it.

 

I do agree that his willingness to change things is a knee jerk reaction to even the possibility of my leaving him.

 

I guess I never thought I'd be in this situation, where a relationship that does work so well on other levels is one I'm considering leaving. I went to my therapist this week to talk about it, and I've got appointments lined up twice a week (thank god for awesome insurance) for the next month just to talk it all out and see what I need to do for my own happiness.