Letting Go of Anger and Resentment

[cat5]

I’m wondering what you’d do in this situation:

 

 

Been married 2.5 years, together for around 5. We started dating less than a year after I had separated from my ex-wife who I have two daughters with. Custody is split equally and I have my girls every other week.

 

When my current wife and I first started dating she didn’t want her friends/family knowing I was divorced with kids. She asked me to keep it to myself and I did for the first several months. After a while I became uncomfortable pretending and I told her that I wanted to come clean. She understood and I stop pretending. We continued to date and had a good relationship, although at times she would get upset over my past. While she was upset she’d say “what did I do to deserve this” and “I was so careful to not end up like you, but now I have to deal with it or lose you”.

 

 

 

She repeatedly asked me what was the most important thing in a relationship and I said every single time, being open and honest. I took what she was saying as being open and honest, and I could understand her POV and I, at that time, didn’t feel good about who I was.

 

 

 

Despite that we ended up getting married. As it turns out my wife wasn’t being honest with me about a lot of things while we were dating and they all came out shortly after getting married. She never told me that she has done illicit drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine with previous partners. She neglected to inform me, despite having unprotected sex, that she has genital herpes. After getting herpes she had always insisted on condoms with her previous lovers, but not with me. Although she didn’t tell them she at least tried to protect them. She lead me to believe that she was very particular about who she had been with, but come to find out half of her past partners were FWB arrangements.

 

As you can imagine, learning all this about her, in addition to her having given me such a hard time about who I was, lead to a really rocky start to our marriage. There were a lot of fights. During those fights she said some things that really hurt me. On a few occasions she negatively compared me to one of the guys she had a FWB relationship with. For example she said he was better looking and better in bed.

 

Now here we are a couple years removed. Day in day out we get along ok. But occasionally there are triggers that bring back my feelings from that time in my life. And I’ll get angry and upset for a few days and then I’ll go back to normal. My wife is now taking responsibility for her not being honest. She tells me now that the comparisons she drew were out of anger and she didn’t mean them.

 

Another thing that’s changed is I started my own business and have been very successful. If I can have another year like last year, we would both be able to retire if we wanted. I’m 35 she’s 29. I can’t help but wonder if part of the reason she’s says she’s trying now and taking responsibility has something to do with money.

 

 

 

How can I once and for all get over this? We saw a therapist a couple of times when we first got married. It didn’t go well. My wife got pissed I brought up the stuff she lied about. She wanted therapy to be just about her dealing with my divorce and kids. After I brought up that stuff she refused to go back. We have just now started seeing a therapist again and the stuff she was dishonest about hasn’t come out yet, so it’s too early to tell there is any hope with that.

[riley707]

This is good stuff. Nice to read someone for a change who is honest.

 

Stop with all the garbage about what has happened. You can't address this stuff until you get back to the first thing you said.

 

You need to find out, in a deep personal sense, why you allowed yourself to sign up for this and keep your past hidden. This is a fundamental flaw in your character. If you can figure out why you do this, then I think a lot of what you described will also make sense.

 

If you are deciding now that you would rather live your life being honest and upfront, its fine. Just say so, in the house, and if she loves you as much as she says she does she will bend.

 

And you can't count on the money of the business. Without her, you wouldn't have been able to do this so its half hers.

[TaraMaiden]

He didn't keep his past hidden - she did.

 

My take would be that she married you under false pretences.

I feel you would be within your rights to divorce her, citing irreconcilable differences.....

 

her attitude was at best, grossly unfair, and art worst, dangerously deceptive.

 

Not nice.....

[Breezy Trousers]

I’m wondering what you’d do in this situation:

 

 

How can I once and for all get over this? We saw a therapist a couple of times when we first got married. It didn’t go well. My wife got @#!*% I brought up the stuff she lied about. She wanted therapy to be just about her dealing with my divorce and kids. After I brought up that stuff she refused to go back. We have just now started seeing a therapist again and the stuff she was dishonest about hasn’t come out yet, so it’s too early to tell there is any hope with that.

 

 

Not a good sign, really. If your wife is unwilling to be transparent, she's not willing to do the work of intimacy. You need emotional honesty and safety to have a true relationship. Your wife's lying and refusal to take responsibility would make me wonder if narcissistic personality disorder might at issue. Perhaps not. Just pay attention...

 

In the meantime, I would recommend googling The Work of Byron Katie if you're interested in the freedom of (radical) forgiveness. It did amazing things for me and several other people I know (including one man who was ready to divorce his second wife but radically turned his marriage around after doing "The Work" each day for 30 days). For me, traditional therapy was costly and so much less effective than Katie's four questions and the turnarounds. IMO, she's best on live session CDs, which are available on her site. Just my two cents.

 

Incidentally, radical forgiveness doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to an unhealthy relationship. We need to love others, but we also need to love and respect ourselves. Sometimes that part gets overlooked in all the drama.

 

Good luck!