My husband has totally checked out

[Kristi can't sleep]

Hi everyone -

 

I've been married going on nine years to my best friend, well, WAS. about two years ago, he just sorta stopped doing things with me. Then he stopped talking to me - except for 5o'clock every night when I listen to how his day went. But it's tricky, if I accidentally slip and say something crazy like "...that's funny, you know what happened to me today?" he will simultaneously check his email, go to the fridge, pee, turn his blackberry back on and go outside. Yup, took practice, but he can do them all at once now.

 

Then sex went out the door. Then everything went out the door.

 

Mostly it's because of his back hurting or being tired. But when he's away, he's out every night. He's gone deep sea fishing. Jet skiing. Works on heavy equipment. But go out to dinner? Watch a movie on the freaking couch? No, he's in PAIN for God's sake - what kind of a sadist am I???

 

I'm not a nag. Not only do I still shave my legs, I still WAX! (what a waste). I'm not overweight. I dyed my black hair blond then back to black. I have spent WEEKS looking for 'perfect' birthday presents, gifts, vacations. Nope, nope & nope.

 

We haven't watched so much as a single movie together in over two years. He hasn't taken a single day off. Can't. Too busy. But for doctors appointments, vet appointments, or again, when he was away, he has no problem scheduling or taking a day off.

 

He doesn't smile (with me), laugh (with me), or pay any attention to me at all except in theory. In theory, he loves me as much as the day he met me, he "just doesn't show it". It's just there i guess, but if no one, including me can tell, what good is it?

 

Wait, I'm not being fair. When I get so horribly lonely and depressed that I can't take it, he remembers how to talk, smile, etc., until it "blows over". That though, happens for a shorter and shorter period of time after each fall-out.

 

I'm joking, but it's a horrible way to live. I am incredibly lonely and depressed, and I don't want to talk to him about it anymore. I don't want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with me. how do you tell someone "i want you to like me again"? Well, i know HOW but whats the point? The few times ive done it i feel like a total loser - who cares what someone does if its not of their own free will?

 

Other people like me, I'm not so very horrible. Men still give me rude compliments on occasion, *thank god*, but I could smear myself with oil, light my hair on fire and play the accordion on top of the breakfast bar and the MOST I could hope for is "could you keep it down?"

 

I don't get why he wants to stay married or even cares when I've had it. I could be replaced by merry-maids and happy hour after work.

 

I don't know what to do, I just don't want to do this.

[carhill]

Ah, I recognize that emotional detachment well.

 

See how he responds to mediation and telling his 5 o'clock stories to the dog.

[Green Light]

Hi everyone -

 

I've been married going on nine years to my best friend, well, WAS. about two years ago, he just sorta stopped doing things with me. Then he stopped talking to me - except for 5o'clock every night when I listen to how his day went. But it's tricky, if I accidentally slip and say something crazy like "...that's funny, you know what happened to me today?" he will simultaneously check his email, go to the fridge, pee, turn his blackberry back on and go outside. Yup, took practice, but he can do them all at once now.

 

Then sex went out the door. Then everything went out the door.

 

Mostly it's because of his back hurting or being tired. But when he's away, he's out every night. He's gone deep sea fishing. Jet skiing. Works on heavy equipment. But go out to dinner? Watch a movie on the freaking couch? No, he's in PAIN for God's sake - what kind of a sadist am I???

 

I'm not a nag. Not only do I still shave my legs, I still WAX! (what a waste). I'm not overweight. I dyed my black hair blond then back to black. I have spent WEEKS looking for 'perfect' birthday presents, gifts, vacations. Nope, nope & nope.

 

We haven't watched so much as a single movie together in over two years. He hasn't taken a single day off. Can't. Too busy. But for doctors appointments, vet appointments, or again, when he was away, he has no problem scheduling or taking a day off.

 

He doesn't smile (with me), laugh (with me), or pay any attention to me at all except in theory. In theory, he loves me as much as the day he met me, he "just doesn't show it". It's just there i guess, but if no one, including me can tell, what good is it?

 

Wait, I'm not being fair. When I get so horribly lonely and depressed that I can't take it, he remembers how to talk, smile, etc., until it "blows over". That though, happens for a shorter and shorter period of time after each fall-out.

 

I'm joking, but it's a horrible way to live. I am incredibly lonely and depressed, and I don't want to talk to him about it anymore. I don't want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with me. how do you tell someone "i want you to like me again"? Well, i know HOW but whats the point? The few times ive done it i feel like a total loser - who cares what someone does if its not of their own free will?

 

Other people like me, I'm not so very horrible. Men still give me rude compliments on occasion, *thank god*, but I could smear myself with oil, light my hair on fire and play the accordion on top of the breakfast bar and the MOST I could hope for is "could you keep it down?"

 

I don't get why he wants to stay married or even cares when I've had it. I could be replaced by merry-maids and happy hour after work.

 

I don't know what to do, I just don't want to do this.

 

I'm going through the same thing. It makes you wonder how a person can live with you day after day and not even give you so much as a thought.

This past week I've been visiting my parents in another state[by myself]. Two days go by and I hear nothing from the wife. So I give her a call last night and all I get is "why did you call so late? I'm trying to watch TV." Why do we even bother with these people?

[Spark1111]

Kristi, this relationship is is critical and I do not know if life support will keep it going.

 

He cannot get any more emotionally distant from you! Is he depressed? In pain? Having an affair?

 

He needs to get to a doctor and you need to both go to MC to see if there is a marriage here worth saving.

 

Please, please, please do it today!

[Baroness67]

Ah, I recognize my husband here. The only thing missing is the obsessive time in the gym. Could not take even 5 minutes to talk to me, but no problem if he needed 8 hours to go out drinking with his "friends" or 3 hours every morning to go to the gym. Everything else is similar, too.

 

My opinion? If he's not already having an affair, I would put money down that he's already got someone else in the picture who is filling that role of opposite sex companion to him. Because you know you aren't - and apparently not for lack of trying. He's actively shutting you out. He's punishing you. He is unhappy himself, and he is treating you poorly because if he can justify it to himself that you are worthy of being treated like crap, then you might be crap - and it's not his fault that his mind and feelings are wandering elsewhere.

 

My husband felt guilty about what he was doing, so whenever he saw me, he felt those bad feelings and got even angrier about it. Look at it this way - the more you try to engage him, the nicer you are to him, the worse you make him feel. You aren't trying to "connect" with him - in his mind, he's convincing himself that you are "clinging" etc. and so on.

 

I sooooo recognize this entire pattern of behavior.

 

You do need to confront him. Something is going on that he is hiding, and he's having so much trouble hiding it from you that he's probably afraid just to be around you, lest you see something in his behavior or eyes that will give him away.

 

BTDT. Good luck. You may have a marriage to save, but you have to know what you are fighting before you can wage the war.

[TaraMaiden]

You do need to confront him. Something is going on that he is hiding, and he's having so much trouble hiding it from you that he's probably afraid just to be around you, lest you see something in his behavior or eyes that will give him away.

 

BTDT. Good luck. You may have a marriage to save, but you have to know what you are fighting before you can wage the war.

 

I hate to say this but I think it's beyond saving.

The 'you have a marriage to save' is all very well, but it's in the 'you' plural - you BOTH have a marriage to save - and it sounds as if asking him to make the effort would be tantamount to asking him to self-eviscerate and knit a jumper with it....

 

You can't fix this on your own. You can't do the work for two people, and you sure as hell can't implant enthusiasm in him.

You must be exhausted.....

 

I definitely agree you need to confront him. But you need to do it with your bags packed, and you getting into a car with a good friend or relative, who can morally support you while you walk out the door.

 

Because the alternative is to keep on keeping on. And on. And on. And....shall I carry on?

 

How long are you willing to....?

 

Sorry - did you mean "sadist" (one who inflicts pain) or "masochist" (the one who takes it, over and over and over, because they derive some enjoyment from being beaten over the head with a wooden mallet....?)

[Baroness67]

I don't think anyone can say what is actually there or not. All I can share is that I was in the same position as the OP - and three years later I am still here, still married, and I didn't do any of those things. I didn't do the 180, I didn't pack my bags and I didn't do marriage counseling.

 

You are right in that it takes two people to save a relationship, and right now the OP is clearly working on her own, but until the husband has actually stated that the marriage is over, it's not necessarily over. As far as I can see, while the husband is clearly emotionally checked out - he's still coming home to look in the fridge and pee. As opposed to the marriage of another friend who comes to mind who kissed her husband goodbye on a business trip about 10 years ago, and he called her from California to let her know he wasn't coming home. Ever again. And he didn't.

 

At the time my husband was acting like this, he was in the throes of just knowing he wasn't happy - and blaming that on me and the lifestyle he shared with me and our family. He had not yet realized that what he was pursuing outside of our marriage was also not going to be the magic happy bullet. In his case, I believe, it was more of a distraction. A painful period of reckless and thoughtless "distraction," to be sure, that seemed like it was nearly going to tear our family apart ... but so far it hasn't. (Note that I didn't say "in the end it hasn't" - I have no vanity about the issues in our marriage having come to any conclusion - it's always going to be a work in progress from now on as far as I am concerned.)

 

The marriage may indeed be over, but it's too soon to know without getting to the heart of what gives on the husband's side to say that there is nothing there to save. I was just saying that until she knows why he has checked out, she doesn't know whether she's dealing with another woman, with depression, MLC, all of the above, etc.

 

I'm here posting as someone who saw a lot of the same things, and many times also thought things were over and done. I didn't pack my bags. I packed my husband's bags. And after a short period, he came home again and has not left.

 

I'm not sure what the position of the OP is yet. I don't think she can define it until she gets a better handle on what's going on with her spouse.

[TaraMaiden]

Fair enough.

But I just don't want her to bend over so far backwards that all she ends up seeing is her deepest darkest hole.....

[Lucky_One]

My first thought is that he's having an affair.

 

Have you checked on this?

[Kristi can't sleep]

*Wow - im so glad i came back on here! although i wouldnt wish this on anyone, im glad im not alone! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply

 

As for the sadist comment i made, i was just referring to the way he acts if i ask him if he wants to do something. He gets back pain (true, but not to the extent he cant watch a movie) and gets this look as if i am a "sadist" for asking him to do something so obviously painful.

 

I have looked into whether hes having an affair, but unless hes very, very good at covering his tracks, i honestly dont think so. I DO think he must be having his needs met elsewhere, but hes ALWAYS home except for occasional business trips which he doesnt do if he can get out of, so whatever is going on it doesnt seem like its happening there. Possibly something on the PC, but if so, i havent come across anything. Also, he gets moody if im not home. We do nothing together, i dont know what the difference is if im there or on the moon, but he does. Whole thing is bizarre. I cant take the lonliness anymore though, i really cant.

 

The man who said he called his wife while he was away and she was annoyed because she was watching TV? THATS what its like. Almost like he's content like this - but i truly dont see how thats possible either. I just know the few times ive tried to really get him to understand that this is a serious problem - to the extent that im thinking about leaving - he gets upset, admits that he ignores me (but nothing else) tells me he loves me and doesnt want to seperate then acts like he used to for a short while...until i let my guard down and start to relax. Then he backslides right back. Seems to want me only when i dont want him anymore maybe?

 

I have never cheated and wont until this is sorted out and i decide if im staying, going, whatever. Im not a nymphomaniac, but come on, i dont want to live like a nun! He could keep me happy with an occasional conversation and dinner or lunch out a few times a month and sex once a week. If i wasnt afraid someone i knew would find it, id post my picture because i dont think its an appearance issue either.*

 

BUT I DONT WANT ANY OF IT IF ITS "FORCED", so its a catch twenty two. ill be damned if im going to have someone sleep with me out of obligation or because i b*tched at him - who would want THAT? Same with the rest of it. So on occasion I've told him i'm not happy & lonely, but for the most part i keep my mouth shut. im not sure if i should just leave or what. Maybe im just having a hard time accepting leaving. I do love him, or loved what used to be. We truly were best freinds. We rarely fought, had a lot of fun together even if we just hung out at home, and i took care of him night and day after a major medical problem, so I feel like i have so much time and effort and feelings invested here.

 

i honestly think he would come around if i was gone, but that would be too late as far as im comcerned.

 

BTW, for some reason, i cant post from my ipad. I can log in, but if i try to type in the reply text field, i can only copy. Its a pain in the *ss - i think its something with my browser ID? I use icab and can change it if anyone else has had the same problem - hate not being able to use the ipad for this.

[carhill]

BTW, for some reason, i cant post from my ipad. I can log in, but if i try to type in the reply text field, i can only copy. Its a pain in the *ss - i think its something with my browser ID?

 

Could be. iCab can appear alien to some web pages when they detect browser info. IIRC, one can mimic a more popular browser. Are you using the quick reply or the 'post reply' functionality? The quick reply (icon at far lower right) requires javascript be enabled. Also, if using the 64 bit version of iCab, try the 32 bit version. I'll experiment a bit. Last time I used iCab was on my old 8600/250 back in the 90's

 

I really think you need to impress upon him that your love isn't unconditional. If that means 'taking a vacation', from him, so be it.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Honey, the only sign and I mean the only sign of my husband's porn addiction was his tummy aches and the fact that I wasn't getting any.

 

All in one keylogger pro. Discreet, easy to use.

 

Post back when you found it, and you will.

 

I see these posts go up so frequent I can smell it at 5000 miles.

 

The only way you won't find it on the home PC is if he is doing it at the office or did like mine and hid a laptop in the garage.... but that was after a long time.

 

When you find it, don't whack him over the head the second that you do. Post back.

[carhill]

OP, using the quick reply icon and letting iCab choose browser identity for best browser compatibility (that's in the 'identity' area of the preferences), this post apparently functions. I'm running the 32 bit version of iCab and OSX 10.4.11.

Edited April 21, 2011 by carhill

[Kristi can't sleep]

Oh Carhill, THANK YOU!! Ive googled till i was blue in the face and found nothing - even tried different browser ID's but never occured to me to use something smaller - It works! No more having to use the PC! Whoo hoo! The browser that works is the Iphone version of safari - thanks so much i have this ipad with me constantly. This is sooo much easier!!!! You are awesome!!

 

DreamingofTigers - you are awesome too for not making me feel like a crazy person, because thats how my husbands turns this around when I've hinted at the subject of affairs - he never really goes anywhere, but he has plenty of freedom at work. How much do you know about computers and would you mind if I PM'd you with some questions? Rather not SPY spy if I dont have to, but if he ever went out, i would've swore he was cheating.

 

Like i said, he makes me feel like a jealous nut and I'm neither. Feels that way lately though.

 

THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH! This is the most hopeful I've felt since this started. At this point, even if its not the answer I was hoping for, ANY answer would be better than this limbo I've been floating in, & i really dont have any "friends" to talk to about this. Unfortunately the only "friends" I have now would probably be happy about this on some level.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know it is oddly relieving to get some answers.

 

Since you can't PM yet, you are still a baby, I will give you my alternate email. (I sent spam and stuff there) When you email me, I can give you my real one:

 

[email protected]

 

I would be more then happy to talk turkey especially if you are dealing with what I suspect you are dealing with. If you are, it is better to have everything in a row then bounce around for 2+ years trying to figure out which way is up.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Do you ever get the flip-flop feeling in your stomach, or you can't sleep at night?

 

This is more telling then you may realize. Almost 100%.

[Kristi can't sleep]

STUPID IPAD!!! I am emailing from PC - either i sent you 5,000 replies or none (i think none) so I am waiting for regular pc to load up. I have the address tho if you are still awake and want to delete it (if thats possible on here)

 

...and thank you, thank you! Didnt realize i couldnt PM (duh!) email im using to contact you is private, so no worries.

 

Thanks again, i owe you

[Kristi can't sleep]

Oops, meant to explain that the browser ID that is letting me post didnt let me use gmail - didnt mean to just write "stupid ipad", lol, probably didnt explain much

[dreamingoftigers]

Relax girl.

 

Breathe, meditate. He could just have low testosterone too.

[Eddie Edirol]

he gets moody if youre not home? Could that be to make sure youre not out with someone? Guilty! It really smells like hes getting something from somewhere, and he wants to make sure you dont go anywhere. Thats why he acts like his old self until you relax.

 

You really do need to take a vacation from him. Just to let his jealousy wake him up a bit.

[Kristi can't sleep]

Relax girl.

 

Breathe, meditate. He could just have low testosterone too.

 

Lol - thanks, im calmer now,

 

he gets moody if youre not home? Could that be to make sure youre not out with someone? Guilty! It really smells like hes getting something from somewhere, and he wants to make sure you dont go anywhere. Thats why he acts like his old self until you relax.

 

You really do need to take a vacation from him. Just to let his jealousy wake him up a bit

.

 

I agree - but I dont think he thinks I'm out with someone. It's more whiney - like when I get back, he spare 30 seconds to tell me I didnt leave him anything to eat & he got scurvy and almost died. Or ed mcmann showed up with a billion dollar check, but since i wasnt there to endorse it they gave it to someone else.

 

He wants me to be the way Ive always been, do the chores I always do AND accept total silence. And it IS total.

 

He DOES get jealous, but in theory, like "if you ever did (fill in the blank)..."

 

Going away for awhile or even getting seperated was my plan, but all our friends are in-common aquaintences, but more his. You know the scenario - the guys will be talking about football and Im stuck with some random wife.

 

The one wife I do get along with he thinks is "a bad influence". She drinks. But not sloppy-crazy; God, he drinks too!

 

For now, I'm going to stop trying to kiss *ss to fix the problem, I'm just going to go out more. Start my excersise time at 5o'clock instead of before he gets home.

 

If i can dredge up someone to get away for a weekend I will. Neither is going to make him a happy camper, but I cant take this and he very obviously doesnt care too much now.

 

THANK YOU ALL - its such a relief to find other people in the same boat or who undestand.

[carrie999]

Kristi, this is the first time I've ventured to this board. I'm going to come at this from more than one perspective to present a few different situations I've experienced. Please bear with me, and try to see if any of these make sense to you.

 

I was in a very LTR with someone I met in high school. We were deeply in love, but separated at various points in our lives when we thought we were growing apart, such as leaving for college. At 25, we ended up back together and moved in and had a blast living together. He and I were going through exactly what you described here. For years it was great, but eventually it deteriorated. I felt like we were just roommates, and I felt alienated and desperately craved not only affection and attention, but...well, sex. It ended when I felt like it wasn't enough. The situation there really had to do with both underlying issues between us and with his disinterest in sex due to medical issues.

 

The next major relationship I had was much better, and we were better suited for eachother in many ways (emotionally, physically, etc), and we ended up engaged after many years. But we were fundamentally very different, and this time it was me who distanced myself from him in many of the same ways your husband has. He is smart (a highly trained professional) and very attractive (a sponsored athlete who is in better shape than anyone I've known personally). I found myself making my own plans to do the things I love, and just inviting him along, without worrying about whether or not he'd come. I also found myself completely disinterested in sex. He's definitely extremely hot, but I didn't feel connected to him anymore. Eventually (as some who have posted on this thread already know) I ended up involved with someone else. Bad idea, I know, and totally irrelevant here...just wanted to own up to it before someone called me out for not revealing more about myself in this.

 

That brings me to situation #3, and the only one that involves a married couple. I won't get into their situation, because it's so different from yours and I think it's more likely that situation #2 applies more closely to you. I believe that at this point, infidelity may be a problem. Even if it's not, I believe your husband has felt alienated from you for a while...which I also think he'd agree (if he's honest) is his own damn fault.

 

The point of telling these stories is that he may have a lot of different reasons for distancing himself from you emotionally and sexually. You need to confront him very seriously, and be ready to both listen to him and deal with his answers, and also ready to walk away.

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

[giotto]

Sounds to me like the usual communication problem. Relationships do deteriorate if mutual feelings are not nurtured by an open, honest and continuous dialogue. Seems too late to fix it now, especially because you don't really know what's going on. My guess would be, like Carrie says, a final total disconnection from you, which probably started long ago.

[blizzard]

It sounds like where my marriage finally hit a brick wall. I can remember pleading with him that I wasn't "invisible." Fighting for respect. Fighting to be loved. We never obtained that emotional bond in our marriage. He went his way I went mine. His likes were not my likes and vice versa. We couldn't have a half way conversation because he would one up me...or our opinions differed so much I got belittled for my intelligence.

 

I'm sorry that you are having to endure this. I wish I could tell you that all the counseling helped. And that we are fine now. It's been two years since we "seperated" and we are more distant that ever.

 

I ended up having an affair during our seperation. He has too, although I have no proof. Only that I did read a few texts from two lady "friends" he received which denoted more than just friendship. When he found out I had done this he would not let his blackberry out of his sight and he keeps it locked. He also changed the password to access our account so that I can't keep up with texts. Yes, he even took it to pee

 

I am filing in July for a divorce. I wish I had a better ending for you

[dreamingoftigers]

Your husband pees in the fridge?

 

Gross.

 

I actually laughed out loud for a couple of minutes.:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Kristi, how are you doing girl?