Why someone would not cheat

[coffeecat]

I just had a discussion ( or maybe an argument)in my College class. I want to share some things that I said over there and see how many agree or disagree.

 

Some have said that most married people cheat. People work in environments where everyone is flirting and screwing around most of them are married. People have been turned off to marriage and love and have stated emphatically that they believe most every one is a cheater.

 

This is my response: Marriage does not stop people from cheating. Love and commitment do not stop people from cheating. It is only the FEAR OF GOD and HAVING MORALS that stop people from cheating.

 

Media and movies have made us all think that LOVE and sex is suppose to be fireworks , and floating on clouds and we are suppose to feel happiness and butterflies all the time. Real relationships are not like that. So the first sign of trouble or boredom or whatever, people check out or stray.

 

We are trying to fulfill ourselves with LIFE. We want love and money and success to fulfill our voids. However life can never fulfill us. The only thing that can fulfill us is having peace with GOD- No matter what your religion is. If you are not at peace with God , then you are not fulfilled and you are always going to be trying to fulfill that emptiness that's in you.

 

However, when you have a relationship with GOD or if you believe in Karma etc.. you don't do things like CHEAT and lie because your conscious will torment you and you are afraid of the retribution that awaits you.

 

( and yes so called 'religious' people cheat, but I say because they are frauds and don't really have a good relationship with God)

 

 

So I have said all that above to say- are we looking for these qualities in our mates when we get married? Someone who has a good MORAL compass?

Edited April 18, 2011 by coffeecat

[washguy74]

I'm not a religious person, but I dig your post for the most part. I don't believe in a Fear of God however. Looking yourself in the mirror, and seeing a Cheater, should be punishment enough. But you must have a healthy sense of integrity, to even feel that pain, or project what it would be like.

 

I just don't think it's natural for unaffiliated men and women to work together as they do in modern times. One thing I like about Facebook, social networking, is that new playmates can sometimes see the life they may be wrecking soon. Maybe that stops, what, one a year? Ha.

Edited April 18, 2011 by washguy74

[linwood]

Funny...I have no fear of god and I don`t cheat on my wife.

 

I must be doing something wrong.

[coffeecat]

Linwood, I am speaking in general. Also, do you have a conscious? Do you have morals? If you don't believe in God, then on what standards to you develop morals? ( this is perhaps a philosophical question for anyone).

 

Do we not do something ( cheat or steal) because it's WRONG? But who says it's wrong? God ? Society? And if we base it on what society standards are then what happens when society lowers it standards?

 

You may say that you don't cheat on your wife because you love her and are completely devoted to her because she's awesome or whatever. But what happens if something happened to shake the foundations of that love and commitment? My argument is that we have to have a good , moral character. I believe that happens when you are connected spiritually to something.... whatever the religion-

 

When we speak of sexual fidelity and belief in God people imagine bible- thumping christians that only have sex in missionary positions in the dark.That's not what I am talking about- I am referring to having Spirituality- Perhaps "fear of God" is the wrong choice of words and "God-conscious" is more accurate.

 

Washguy, I agree with what you said about men and women working together. Before he started his own business , my husband used to work for a certain company. They always had these out of town seminars and conferences. My husband used to call me from the hotel and talk to me because all the other guys were at strip clubs or co-workers were bonking each other ( but I digress...).

Edited April 18, 2011 by coffeecat

[washguy74]

But what happens if something happened to shake the foundations of that love and commitment? My argument is that we have to have a good , moral character. I believe that happens when you are connected spiritually to something.... whatever the religion-

 

Can't go all the way with you there. Some of us are just naturally connected to the positive values that eventually build religions and God(s).

[StoneCold]

and HAVING MORALS that stop people from cheating.

 

oh boy here we go.

 

 

"Morals" .... be careful with that because that is largely a matter of opinion (especially when no criminal laws are being broken). What may be "moral" for you may be "a moral" for another and vice versa.

 

What defines these morals? GOD? maybe for you but what if your god isn't someone else's god...whos right and whos wrong now?

 

Dangerous game that "morals" thing is

[Stung]

I see the point you're trying to make, but IMO it would be better reframed. Morality is not steeped in religion for everyone, and not all religious people lead moral lives. I am an ethical person because I believe in treating others with respect, I care about honesty in human interactions, and I value my own integrity. I am also an atheist, and I have never cheated.

[Lauriebell82]

So I have said all that above to say- are we looking for these qualities in our mates when we get married? Someone who has a good MORAL compass?

 

This was DEFINATELY something I was looking for in a husband. I wanted a man who had the same moral values as me. I would NEVER date or marry anyone who disclosed that they had cheated in a past relationship, or been involved in a relationship with someone who was attached (so the OM). I don't agree morals are related to religion either (not directly anyway) but to a moral belief that some of us have or don't have. I know catholics (practicing ones) who have not only cheated, but gotten divorced.

 

I think those who cheat in marriages (or at greater risk for cheating) are those who have cheated or contributed to an affair in their past.

[J200]

I do not believe in god (I am not going to capitalize it because that's not how I spell god) or any spiritual being; I am not spiritual at all. I do not believe in any higher being; I am a complete atheist.

 

I have never cheated on my ex bf's simply because I never wanted to and never felt like it. I do feel it's wrong but that's not why I didn't cheat; I just never felt the desire or the need to. Why would I want to? I am anti social, I don't get pleasure from talking to strange men. I like to be left alone and on my pc surfing forums while eating. Talking to guys is not even pleasurable for me and too much effort; let alone the effort to cheat. I don't want to interact with anyone; just want to be left alone inside my house.

 

I am my own god; I decide what is right and what is wrong from my own heart. Not a god and not society.

[musemaj11]

Study shows that women who have less money than the men are less likely to cheat because they are afraid to be thrown onto the street.

[J200]

Not true. I used to make over six figures while my ex made less than me. He slept with a hooker once that I know of, using my money. He was making less than ten bucks an hour. I supported him financially.

[hART]

I don't know about morality, but I'm introverted and would be annoyed being with more than one person. I don't cheat, because it is confusing and hurtful to the other person.

[coffeecat]

Thank you for your replies! I find everyone's points of view interesting. I do not claim to be right or wrong- I am simply sharing my theories.

[mitchell]

I just had a discussion ( or maybe an argument)in my College class. I want to share some things that I said over there and see how many agree or disagree.

 

Some have said that most married people cheat. People work in environments where everyone is flirting and screwing around most of them are married. People have been turned off to marriage and love and have stated emphatically that they believe most every one is a cheater.

 

 

What I find most amusing is the notion of a bunch of 20 year old college students sitting around making generalizations about the behaviour of married couples. The fact of the matter is, most married people do not cheat. Married folks do not all flirt and screw around at work.

 

Before you try and analyze what you believe is a "problem", you should consider the prevalence of this behavior.

 

Perhaps it would be better for you college aged people to consider the effect of the fear of god relative to the sexual promiscuity of college students.

[UnsureinSeattle]

As an atheist, I guess the fear of god doesn't enter into my personal equation...

 

But, if you take away my morals, my values and etc.- at the very, very least, I would not cheat on someone because I know how much it hurts being cheated on.

[coffeecat]

Mitchell, it's a community College class so there are many non-traditional students ( older).

 

I am personally 36 years old and have been married for 17 years. My husband is 12 years older than me. I came on this board because I was looking for answers for issues that I was having. However, after reading the very serious problems others have, my problems seemed petty and I never posted anything about myself. I have only lurked on this board.

 

Perhaps I am seeking to understand the difference between my own marriage and other people's marriage. In the discussion with my classmates, I resented this implication that "everyone cheats" and tried to argue why someone wouldn't. I was even called a "stepford wife" by a classmate. I resent the fact that because I am in a "normal " marriage where I am not abused or cheated on that it makes me a "stepford" wife.

 

I only know why I wouldn't cheat and why I know my husband wouldn't cheat. I am not a religious person but I have a conscious. That conscious is intertwined with a belief that I will have to answer for the things that I do - the belief that was goes around comes around. I posted this discussion because I wanted to see what others thought. I don't claim to be right or know everything- I just know myself.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I am not a strong follower of organized religion. I was raised in a home with some of those values, but they have largely been lost over the years. I certainly value my relationship with God, and perhaps it is that relationship that keeps my values in check as far as staying on the straight and narrow in most aspects of my life. But that is not the case for not cheating. I believe Mother Nature and God designed us to have more than one partner. That's why we are attracted to others and why sex is so pleasurable, etc...

 

My reason(s) for not cheating are mainly based on my commitment to my wife. If she gave me a pass, or wanted to have an open marriage, I would truly question our marriage. The last thing I would be doing is jumping for joy that I have an opportunity to screw someone else.

 

I make sure the opportunity to cheat does not present itself; I make very sure not to allow my relationship with another female to go in that direction at all! 'Cheaters' tend to want those types of relationships and seem to need validation in the form of being wanted by others. That's not to say I couldn't be moving in that direction at some point without realizing it, but I trust that I know how to handle it when I do begin realize it.

 

For the record, I don't think that 'most married people cheat.' Perhaps somewhere between 20-40% at the max, but who really knows I suppose...

Edited April 21, 2011 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[willma]

1. A strong sense of conscience.

2. Knowing right from wrong.

3. Knowing boundaries when it comes to flirting.

 

At least these are what I go by. My wife and I have been happily married for over 24 years. We were virgins when we met. We have not had anyone else.

 

Flirting in the workplace is pretty common, I would agree, but there are boundaries that the majority of people will not cross if they are in a satisfying relationship. Those that stray, typically, are not happy with themselves or their relationships.

 

Personally, I cannot lie to my wife. She finds out sooner or later, so I figure I might as well tell her the ugly truth sooner, than later. I learned that early in our marriage. I get knots in my stomach if I have a guilty conscience, so I'd much rather man up and confess my sins. I do not try to keep secrets from her unless it is a romantic surprise, a gift, or something along those lines that she would be happy to receive.

 

God had nothing to do with anything in my life. I never was exposed to it as a child or as an adult. However, morally, I have been brought up to believe in the "Golden Rule". Don't do anything to someone else that you wouldn't want done to you...or something like that.

[threebyfate]

Never have and never will cheat. I'm also an agnostic atheist.

 

There's no cheap thrill for me in cheating. I don't need that kind of dysfunctional validation to make me happy. If anything, cheating would drag me down to gutter level which would be counterproductive to self-esteem and happiness.

 

As far as god is concerned, how can you take a flaming bush seriously? They must have had some high THC content in them buds, back when.

[Breezy Trousers]

I can't speak for people with moral compasses. However, I have been cheated on and nearly cheated (but didn't).

 

For me, it was awareness that prevented me from cheating.

 

A MM began hitting on me at work three years ago. I was confused, then flattered because he's powerful and charismatic .. and I'm not. I'm not religious but, even so, knew my growing attraction to MM was completely inappropriate. I stayed away, but that didn't stop the (inappropriate) feelings.

 

My intuition warned me twice -- VERY SIMPLY BUT CLEARLY -- to stay away, and I knew enough to listen, despite my intense attraction. So I did everything to avoid him. I confessed my attraction to my husband (it still didn't go away). I was also led to read books on abusive men, narcissistic personality disorder, etc., even though I didn't know why. It wasn't until two years later that I saw why I was wise to listen. When MM figured out he wasn't going to get what he wanted from me, he turned from charming to unbelievably frightening -- so frightening that, after several experiences, I called a national domestic hotline for help in case it escalated. (A year before I caught him stalking me, so I had reason to be concerned.) I finally saw that this man is mentally ill, despite his jovial appearance.

 

It was only intuition & awareness (through visiting this site and reading) that prevented me from jumping in, not morals. I am embarrassed to say I didn't give his poor family much regard when I was in the throes of my romantic delusion. Now I do. I had LOTS of things to learn through this experience -- and, boy, have I! -- and I'm grateful no one had to get hurt for me to learn these things.

 

My husband cheated on me years ago. He got into Sex Addicts Anonymous and learned how and why it happened. He's not moralistic but very aware of how sex addiction plays out and what a dead end it is. He helps other men now. SA is a spiritual program, but not at all a moral program. It doesn't regard sex addicts as bad people trying to get good but unaware people trying to grow conscious.

 

IMO, the more conscious you are of yourself and of others, the more sensitive you became, and the less likely you are to hurt yourself and others. Fearing being punished (morality) is not always good reason to avoid doing the wrong thing. Expanding your ability to love is.

 

By the way, the abusive philandering MM who was wanting an affair with me quickly moved on to another secretary at my workplace (when it was clear "we" weren't going to happen), and I think he's still having an affair with her. His recent flirtations with me just make me disgusted rather than excited these days.

 

Also, I should mention, this MM has pictures of his family all over his office and is very high up in a big local church. He's Mr. Methodist! (Sorry if that offends Methodists. I realize his behavior doesn't represent Methodists by any means.) In fact, it was his reputation for being a religious family man that confused me when he first began hitting on me. I couldn't put his behavior together with his reputation. So I told myself the story that he must have been in a sad, empty marriage. Now I know he's profoundly disturbed but hides behind his image of being a family man, being high up in his church and involved in "Man of the Year" professional associations .... As the cliche goes, going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you a car.

[Woggle]

I am not an atheist but cheating has more to do with morals and honesty. If you a person who actually cares about the person you are in a relationship with chances are you will not cheat. If you are somebody who cares about instant gratification and the hell with others then you might cheat.

[sally4sara]

I don't believe in god or karma, but I do believe in Honor. Cheating is not honorable. If you've agreed to or informed someone that you will not do something, it is dishonorable to go ahead and do it anyway. Knowingly inviting pain and/or emotional distress onto someone for your own unnecessary gain is dishonorable.

[Baroness67]

Fear of God has nothing to do with it for me. I'm not religious.

 

I can't say that I wield some super moral code, either, because I do have friends who do things that I don't agree with. I would not drop a friend just because I knew she was having an affair with a married man. On the other hand, were I to have two friends, and one was having an affair with the husband of the other, where I would have to hurt and betray one friend in order not to come in conflict with the other - there I would draw the line.

 

Basically I honor commitment, and, to the best of my ability, I try to respect those people with whom I have some relationship of trust and friendship.

 

The two principal reasons I would not cheat on my husband are 1. that I am committed to the welfare of my family, and cheating on my spouse would be completely antithetical to that commitment; and 2. I did actually make a commitment when I got married.

 

Fortunately, and I add this by way of truth in advertising, I am also not interested in cheating or new romantic relationships on the side. I'm pretty content with my life and the blessings I have. I don't feel shortchanged by life or that I am not "happy" or that I need to find happiness somewhere else - and definitely not in the arms of another man just because I feel butterflies or something.

[Darren Taylor]

Because I wouldn't do anything to hurt my GF, because I won't put my health at risk, never mind her's.

[tnttim]

Tell your phillosphy or ethics class that, speculation is for spectators, the game is for players, and even officials get it wrong and see what they want to see