Everything was a lie!

[humiliated]

I know this is going to sound outrageous, and I can't even believe it yet myself. Perhaps it was crazy of me, but I fell in love with someone I met on the internet. He was amazing, everything I had been looking for. We didn't need more, because our connection was on this whole other level. And somehow I fell in love, and he fell the same.

 

We've been conversing almost every night for eight months. I invested so much time and emotions in this person. And he always said there were secrets. And lately I've been feeling like I was getting closer to them.

 

And last night, I found them. He said that he finally (after 8 months) needed to be honest with me because I didn't deserve his lies. And he told me... He is a girl! I was completely devestated and humiliated. I have no idea how to deal with such news. How could someone lie like that and pretend to be a man for that long? I don't understand. I am outraged and heart broken. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone ever again. Because it's like the second you open up to people and let yourself care, they screw you over. I am feeling so lost, like someone that I loved died. Nothing was ever real between us. All that time was a lie.

 

How can I go on?

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice??

[Tony T]

A lie? This was 100 times worse than any lie I have every heard!!!

 

A good start to healing is to get really pissed. I mean really, really pissed. Because I am pissed, really really pissed at this scumbag sorry excuse for a homo sapien.

 

The Internet has opened up a whole new world of scams, lies, hacking, fraud, theft, virus distribution, denial of service, spamming,...I mean the worst of humanity can come out on the web faster than anywhere else. People can do stuff on the Internet that we have never thought of in real life. It can also bring out the best as well.

 

You were not in love with this person. You were in love with an image in your mind which you will have to delete in your own time and in your own way. I know you feel foolish and humiliated but I hope you will understand that all this was a trick you played on yourself in your mind. You really wanted this to be someone you could care for and you really put your emotions into it. You did that honestly and that is OK. People do that with relationships in real life with real people, not just voices on the phone, and get screwed over just as bad...if not worse.

 

It could have been a guy and he could have told you he was married with ten kids. The fact that it was a female is immaterial. You have gotten the truth, you have learned a serious lesson, and you can move on and forget about it.

 

There have been some sensationally successful relationships that began online. But if they live very far or aren't willing to meet you in person in a public place within a month of meeting online, then there's something wrong. You have to be very cautious in real life and triply cautious on the Internet.

 

I hate to be the one to tell you, but there are thousands of people who misrepresent themselves on the Internet. America Online is famous for giving seven screen names to each account. Yes, ONE INDIVIDUAL person can be a man, a woman, a movie star, a senator, a multi-millionaire, a doctor, a lawyer, etc. at the flip of a screen name switch...and many do just that.

 

The reason people do such things is so that many can't get love or attention, or so they think, by being themselves. An unattractive woman with a deep voice can get lots of attention, be it from other women, by pretending to be a very desireable man. A boring dude can whip up lots of excitement by pretending to be Tom Cruise.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. You got sucked in because you are a trusting soul. That says that you are a very good and honest person. But now you have learned that all people aren't like you. Sorry you had to learn it in such a heinously mean fashion.

 

Frankly, in my wildest imagination, I would have never dreamed of such a scenario. If I were you, I would write a letter to the editor at the newspaper in the town where this woman lives and set out all the details for the people in her town to read, even though they won't know it's her.

 

This is such a strange situation, in time you will actually place a high value on this experience. Right now, just feel what you feel and kick some pillows real hard. But please don't stop being a nice sweet lady.

 

It won't take you very long to get over this. You'll be ready to meet some real nice guys very soon. I just think you ought to confine your dating in the immediate future to people you can meet in person and who you can reasonably ascertain are male.

 

You have my unconditional guarantee you will never let this happen to yourself again.

[x]

Have you ever been in love before? Have you ever been in a real relationship before? Maybe this will teach you a lesson in life, love relationships fare much better when you actually interact with that person in REAL life. The internet is a great way to meet people, make friends etc. don't get me wrong, but it shouldn't be a substitute for the real thing.

 

I know that I probably sound like i'm being rather closed minded, I really try not to be. I realize that love comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms, and can be had at many different levels. Let me share a secret with you though, Love is the most true and wonderful when shared with someone you can actually touch, feel, smell, and taste, as well as talk with.

 

I know it's hard when someone breaks your trust as this person did, and that you are going through a rough time right now, but maybe after some time has gone by, you will be able to take the lesson from this situation and move on.

[humiliated]

Tony,

 

That was a absolutely incredible response. You were quite right on a lot of points you made and you made me think of some things I hadn't yet. I have always known that the internet is a breeding ground for scams. I have never been trusting of people I meet online, not completely anyway. I don't know why I had such a connection with this person who lived thousands of miles away, but I did. And I learned to trust the person. And we continued to converse for months. Relationships like that are hard to turn away from, and hard to not become attached to. Perhaps you are right, perhaps I wasn't in love at all. Love is in the mind though, and it is nothing that can be turned off and on.

 

I will be very cautious from now on. I don't know that I will even continue to chat with others online. What's the point? I can get screwed over in person. I don't know why she did such a thing to me. She said she never meant to care about me, but she did. And then she wanted to protect me from the pain she was sure to cause by telling me. But to make me believe for 8 months? Crazy.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for your time and your advice. What you said made a lot of sense and it really helped. You are quite right... I will never let this happen to me again.

[Tony T]

Thank you for your very kind acknowlegment of my post. I am always grateful for the kinds words from someone who is appreciative of my two cents worth.

 

You said you weren't normally too trusting online but you asked: "I don't know why I had such a connection with this person who lived thousands of miles away, but I did. And I learned to trust the person."

 

You made the connection because this person was really a female. Females are far more aware of a woman's emotional needs and hot buttons so, in pretending to be a man but actually being a woman, she could almost the perfect person for you.

 

It's really a bit sad that men are from mars and women are from venus. But if we were from the same planet, what the hell would we fight about???