ms.stressed Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? Link to post Share on other sites
coffeecat Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 End it. Duh. What if he makes babies? What if he gets a disease? What if you get a baby? What if you find someone who can do it better than him? What if the other guy lasts longer? Gives you multiples? What if he finds a girl that does things you won't? Really freaky stuff. Will you feel threatened? Jealous? What if you find a man that makes you feel beautiful, loved, special and like you, alone is enough for him? Won't you resent your fiance then? When you have children together, is he going to go out and have sex with other women while you watch the kids? Will that be okay with you? Are you going to let the kids know you two have this relationship? How do you think it's going to affect how they view themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
kevinm1019 Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? C'mon really?!!! This is not healthy for the relationship and not something anyone can handle if you have feelings for that person. Marriage is a monogamous commitment and an adult-like choice. If you guys just love sex and like having variety... don't get married. The marriage commitment is not a leash to say... "I think she's worth it but not completely... I just like having her around and on my arm if I choose to have her." Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 You're not married..... Let me guess..... You're in your 20's....... Link to post Share on other sites
Flgirl44 Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I wouldn't hold it against him for being honest. He probably should've been honest sooner but better late than never. You want different things, I know it's hard to accept but it seems you two disagree on a fundamental part of the relationship. I would find someone more compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 To some people, monogamy is very important. To others, not so much - it's just a random sexual act. You have a basic compatibility issue here. I would be thankful that he brought it up prior to marriage, end the engagement, hand him back his ring, and try to move on towards a man who shares similar basic beliefs as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) So when he mentioned either one of you will cheat, he really meant himself. He really does know what he is doing, otherwise he wouldn't wait until after the proposal and before the ' walk down the aisle' to propose such terms. If an " open relationship" hadn't existed during the relationship, why would he even suggest it for marriage? You've been cheated before, so there's absolutely no guarantee that you, yourself, would want to be a cheater. Not that I have anything against open relationships ( especially since I'm in one) but I do have a problem when people use it as a convenient excuse to sleep with other people. Your fiancee is simply a cheater looking for an excuse to cheat. I quote- He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to By agreeing with him, you're setting yourself up to be cheated on ( especially if you are against the very fundamentalities of an OR.) Also you would have done nothing but assuage his guilt when he does decide to seek out a second vagina for his entertainment. Edited April 19, 2011 by xpaperxcutx Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.stressed Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 You know I thought about tha as well and I said as much. He's basically looking for a go ahead to cheat. I came home after reading your replies and told him that as much as I love him and want to be with him I can't go through having to share my man. I've been through that before and even though he kept it from me, it's not different then him expressing an urge to do so. I am not going through that again. I desire someone whose happy to be monogomous. I deserve someone whose fufilled with me alone. I told him we could end the engagement because I don't want him to feel pressured to be faithful during the course of our marriage and he told me that he would rather be with me and be happy than to not be with me and sleep around. So I guess it was just amatter of me communicating my desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Hi ms.stressed, I feel for you facing this now that you're approaching marriage. Honestly I really don't know how a guy can really love someone and want to have this kind of marriage where he rolls the dice with his own feelins and yours. As harsh as this may sound it seems like your fiance has chosen you to be his home girl in the most literal of senses where you're simply supposed to just get over the feelings you'll have when he goes exploring sex with others (or the feelings you might have for someone else if you went "exploring"). You sound like far too sensitive a person for this to be right for you. Maybe some people can rationalize all of this but if you have a heart and feel things deeply perhaps you should choose another path than to marry this guy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? Do yourself a favour.. DO NOT marry this guy. He is telling you HE cannot be faithful, doesn't want to be faithful. He does love you, he just wants to have sex with other women at some point. It has nothing to do with you at all, he's just selfish and immature, doesn't understand the word committment, marriage... Giving up women to settle down with one aka .. You. Sadly, you have some thinking to do, and a decision to make. Put yourself first. Why on earth would you marry a man knowing that he IS going to sleep with other women? Why make HIM happy and not yourself? It'll hurt, but ending it might be better. Either he'll wake up and realize he's about to lose a loving woman, and shape up, or he won't change his way of thinking. What do your friends and family say? Those that you're close to and trust.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I told him we could end the engagement because I don't want him to feel pressured to be faithful during the course of our marriage and he told me that he would rather be with me and be happy than to not be with me and sleep around. So I guess it was just amatter of me communicating my desires. Just read your latest update. The question is, now that he's put that out there, an open relationship, do you trust him? Just seems too easy that he changed his mind that quickly.. My suggestion then is, if you still want to marry him is, seek pre marriage counselling to help you two, especially him -- To understand the give/take and compromise, how to be in a marriage as husband and wife.. Committed, monogomous (I spelled it wrong) and faithful. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? I would never sacrifice my own happiness for a man who does not have it in him to care for or foster mine. Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? DUDE WTF?!? No of course he dont love u. He dont respect u eitha. Of COURSE he pretended not to be into it wen u said u'd dump him - he wants u at home AND to go out havin his fun. It is f**ked up that he said it in the 1st place. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. Edited April 19, 2011 by phillyfan Link to post Share on other sites
orangelady Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 My boyfriend suggest we have an open relationship. He doesn't want to get bored and fears that if we get married one of us will cheat. He says he's perfectly fine with othr men having sex with me as long as he's knows about it and I guess it's vice versa for me as well. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I'm bothered by it. I don't want to share my significant other. I've been cheated on before and the feeling is not good. I'm a faithful person. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my significant other. Does this mean he doesn't love me? He says that he loves me and he knows where home is but if during the course of our relationship he ever feels an urge to stray he would like to be allowed to. I don't know. It's all confusing. What should I do? Should I just end the engagement, go along with his suggestion and be unhappy, or tell him no and make him unhappy? omg how did you come to know such a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.stressed Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 You know, I've always appreciated his honesty. I admire the fact that he gave me the opton to choose. But I cannot be in an open relationship or marriage. I thought about this and prayed for guidance. I told him I can't do it andI would rather be alone than to compromise my morals for love. He told me that he wouldn't make me do that and that he will rather be happy and with me monogomously than to be without me and miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.stressed Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Yep. Late 20s. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 NO WAY JOSE. This will not be good for you or him. what if u catch something? omg... dude ... im freaking out for u.... is this the person u want to father ur children? what if lust and temptation make him not want to stay? Tell him.... no. no . no .no NO! Link to post Share on other sites
Flgirl44 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You know, I've always appreciated his honesty. I admire the fact that he gave me the opton to choose. But I cannot be in an open relationship or marriage. I thought about this and prayed for guidance. I told him I can't do it andI would rather be alone than to compromise my morals for love. He told me that he wouldn't make me do that and that he will rather be happy and with me monogomously than to be without me and miserable. Now you just have to have faith that he will live by what he is telling you right now and wont change or add clauses along the way. It would make me a little uneasy TBH, but I want to be able to trust him since he was forthright to begin with. Goodluck Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You know, I've always appreciated his honesty. I admire the fact that he gave me the opton to choose. But I cannot be in an open relationship or marriage. I thought about this and prayed for guidance. I told him I can't do it andI would rather be alone than to compromise my morals for love. He told me that he wouldn't make me do that and that he will rather be happy and with me monogomously than to be without me and miserable. You didn't reply to my earlier response to you. Do you trust him? If I were in your shoes, my trust would be totally shaken.. I'd wonder if I was enough? When the day would come he'd cheat on me, etc.. He sounds immature and not long term material, if he isn't truly willing to give up other women and have a monogomous relationship with you, one day he WILL cheat. You can count on that, even more so if he says he'll be bored only having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You know, I've always appreciated his honesty. I admire the fact that he gave me the opton to choose. But I cannot be in an open relationship or marriage. I thought about this and prayed for guidance. I told him I can't do it andI would rather be alone than to compromise my morals for love. He told me that he wouldn't make me do that and that he will rather be happy and with me monogomously than to be without me and miserable. He isn't going to stay faithful. He put it out there, it backfired on him with you wanting to end the engagement and now he is backpedaling saying he just wants you and you only. When a man tells you who he really is, listen to him. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Do not let him manipulate your mind. Do what you have to do to keep this man away from you. People like him are dangerous and have no sense of morals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.stressed Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 So when he mentioned either one of you will cheat, he really meant himself. He really does know what he is doing, otherwise he wouldn't wait until after the proposal and before the ' walk down the aisle' to propose such terms. If an " open relationship" hadn't existed during the relationship, why would he even suggest it for marriage? You've been cheated before, so there's absolutely no guarantee that you, yourself, would want to be a cheater. Not that I have anything against open relationships ( especially since I'm in one) but I do have a problem when people use it as a convenient excuse to sleep with other people. Your fiancee is simply a cheater looking for an excuse to cheat. I quote- By agreeing with him, you're setting yourself up to be cheated on ( especially if you are against the very fundamentalities of an OR.) Also you would have done nothing but assuage his guilt when he does decide to seek out a second vagina for his entertainment. Well, at least he was honest with you, right? Not that you should accept such a relationship. If it's not for you, it just isn't, but at least he didn't pretend he wanted monogomy and then blindside you with a bunch of episodes of cheating. I would move on if you don't want things that way. If you try to strong arm him into a monogomous relationship, he just might lie and say he'll do it, but then sneak around behind your back. Tough situation, but again, at least he brought this out BEFORE you got married. You didn't reply to my earlier response to you. Do you trust him? If I were in your shoes, my trust would be totally shaken.. I'd wonder if I was enough? When the day would come he'd cheat on me, etc.. He sounds immature and not long term material, if he isn't truly willing to give up other women and have a monogomous relationship with you, one day he WILL cheat. You can count on that, even more so if he says he'll be bored only having sex with you. I trust him with my life. Up to this point he's never given an indication ofwanting to share me. I do believe that he fears being bored with our marriage. If I was to find out he cheaed he knows I will leave him. Yet, I know he isn't cheating and I know he isn't the type to cheat on someone. He's very open and up front about his feelings. I trust that when I told him no, and he agreed, he fully intends to stand by that. He's never went back on his words thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I trust him with my life. Up to this point he's never given an indication ofwanting to share me. I do believe that he fears being bored with our marriage. If I was to find out he cheaed he knows I will leave him. Yet, I know he isn't cheating and I know he isn't the type to cheat on someone. He's very open and up front about his feelings. I trust that when I told him no, and he agreed, he fully intends to stand by that. He's never went back on his words thus far. Yet, it was at this point he decided to open up about " sharing"- and it hadn't sounded like he wanted to share you, more like expecting you to share him. As others have mentioned, by putting an OR out there, he's suggesting he might " cheat" in the future. I understand that you appreciate his honestly, but honesty hardly equates to faithfulness. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I trust him with my life. Up to this point he's never given an indication ofwanting to share me. Up to this point he has given you many indications by even proposing that idea to you. I do believe that he fears being bored with our marriage. People like him only live for the thrill of having a new partner sexually. He wants to have his cake and eat it. If I was to find out he cheaed he knows I will leave him. Yet, I know he isn't cheating and I know he isn't the type to cheat on someone. Someone who wants an open marriage/relationship are exactly the type of people who cheat. If their partner says no, then they'll just go the old fashioned route and sneak around with someone else. All they care about is themselves. Willing to risk their lives and self-worth for a 15 minute orgasm. He's very open and up front about his feelings. Oh we know that loud and clear. I trust that when I told him no, and he agreed, he fully intends to stand by that. He's never went back on his words thus far. He's playing you. Only making himself look good in the light, but he's probably looking for someone to fool around with in the dark. Look lady we understand your reluctance to not believe he won't hurt you this way but you came here for a reason. It's because you know what he said to you was very off and quite disrespectful. If everything is all roses and sunny in your relationship then to be blunt, this thread should've never been started. If I were you I would start snooping. Check his phone, emails, whatever. Because something like this doesn't just go away immediately. When someone says that to you they're telling you that you're not enough and that they do not want to be faithful. It also shows that they have serious mental issues. This is something that should not be taken lightly, ma'am. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) You know, I've always appreciated his honesty. I admire the fact that he gave me the opton to choose. But I cannot be in an open relationship or marriage. I thought about this and prayed for guidance. I told him I can't do it andI would rather be alone than to compromise my morals for love. He told me that he wouldn't make me do that and that he will rather be happy and with me monogomously than to be without me and miserable. That was great of him to admit to you that he wants to stay faithful to you, but this is a BIG red flag that will hurt you badly in the future. He pretty much told you that hes a sex addict. One woman will not satisfy him. Since he cannot sleep around with your permission, hes going to do it without you knowing. You can trust him with your life, but you cannot trust him with his penis. He wont want to hurt you, so he will hide it from you as much as he can. At some point when you are married, maybe a couple years down the line, he will get bored of sex with you. he already knows now that he has choices or women to flirt and sleep with, thats why he brought it up. He also is probably already bored with sex with you now, which is why he brought this up. this cannot end well. You can b broken hearted now, or you can waste years and be broken hearted later. Look in the cheating forum on this bored so you can see some stories that might open your eyes. You will be able to see threads in the point of view of the cheaters. Edited April 20, 2011 by Eddie Edirol Link to post Share on other sites
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