I feel like i will never trust again

[guitarguy89]

After what happened with me and my ex i'll always have it in my mind that i could just get left at anytime and this scares me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life my her and now shes gone and doesnt look like shes ever comming back. Im the jealous type anyways and i wish i wasnt like that but im gonna try to be different with the next one but i Just feel like i'll never really be able too be as comfortable with someone else as i was with my ex. =(

[guitarguy89]

I honestly feel like i was giving this one chance to love and be happy and i ruined it all. I now feel like i will always have to settle for less then i could of had and i will never be as happy or love as much as i once did =((

[J0N]

I feel the same. It seems to me that people just take what they need and leave you hanging when they have it. I will not be able to trust any girl for a long time.

[starryeyed12]

I honestly feel like i was giving this one chance to love and be happy and i ruined it all. I now feel like i will always have to settle for less then i could of had and i will never be as happy or love as much as i once did =((

 

I wouldn't worry too much about these thoughts you're having. They are normal after losing your first love.

 

But, as part of the maturing process, it's important to begin to understand that life is not as black and white as you are suggesting with this thought. You will see that there are many, many shades of grey in between. It's rarely all or nothing, because everything changes and grows. Feeling that you had your chance, but its gone is like saying it was all or nothing with love and trust-- and its nothing now. Very painful, but also untrue.

 

Saying you will never find someone as good is, in a way, suggesting that your life will never change or grow. In truth, this person was good for you at one time, but things changed. The break up is now a time for you to grow. You will blossom into something else in time-- some things about yourself will come with you, some things you will out grow. Try to take good things with you as you grow, which should not include the pain of believing this false view of the world. You will love again and you will be able to trust again if you use this fragile time wisely (the time which you are recovering from the BU).

 

You may always feel love for your ex, but that even that love will not stay the same. Nothing stays the same. When you find the person to be with for the long haul it will be because they are able to grow and change right along with you. This is extremely difficult state to achieve with a person, and it likely will take many failed relationships to find. On the good side, when things fail it's becomes an opportunity to grow and mature. When you're ready, push yourself to try something new that you have always wanted to give a try. It's also a great time to reflect on yourself--what could you have improved? What were you great at? How can you begin to change the things that need improving (your jealousy perhaps)?

 

Vent your emotions in healthy ways, but begin to use your reasoning side to make sense of yourself, the relationship, and the world around you.

[sabienne]

I too have been left by my first love and I understand. Although, J0N, it saddens me when people stick the blame on girls. "I'll never trust girls again...girls are all heartbreakers...girls seem to be able change their feelings".

 

This isn't the case. I'm a girl. I was left by a boy. It can happen to anyone.

 

So firstly, know that there are girls out there in the same boat as you (hi!), who want to love again but are scared they will never be able to trust.

 

Secondly, I spent ages asking myself how did I get it wrong. I knew he was the one, how do you get the one wrong? Well...he was the FIRST one. First loves, I have been told, are different. You don't know any better. Next time around, you'll go in smarter and more wise to people who are going to be reckless with your heart - so you can keep it for someone worth having it. I have been told though by numerous sources that when you do meet THAT one, it's unlike anything else you have felt with any of your ex's. I like to think of that as a beacon of hope that the right guy is out there somewhere, he will feel as amazed with my love as I am with his, and trust won't be an issue because we both genuinely want to be together.

 

And finally, who knows? Maybe this girl is the one for you, and you just need some time to sort through your own personal issues. Or maybe her letting you go has opened the door for an amazing, new, better love to come into your life.

 

Hope the optimism helps!

[J0N]

Hey,

I don't mean to rag on ALL girls. This whole ordeal has caused me to doubt alot of things, including weather I could be with one person for the rest of my life, I feel like most people just get tired of each other and split up. It could also be that too many people marry or get really serious with the wrong person. Also what can I say she was the first girl I truly loved everything about, even her type A personality (I thought it was cute lol). I had loved others before her but I was always the one to walk away so it never hurt me nearly as much, but to have somebody you *thought* loved you turn their back on you really tears me up. I think at this time I am going to take a lengthy break from dating girls to figure everything out. I don't think I will be 100% ready for some time.

 

Btw... Starry your post really hit home about first loves.

[marqueemoon4]

You'll trust again, but most likely you'll never open yourself the way you did in the past. I'll never put myself in a vulnerable position again after what I've been through. At the end of the day you never really know the person you're with.

Edited April 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Fufu]

Before trusting another person, trust yourself first.

 

It's the same as, before loving another person, love yourself first.

[Flgirl44]

Hey,

I don't mean to rag on ALL girls. This whole ordeal has caused me to doubt alot of things, including weather I could be with one person for the rest of my life, I feel like most people just get tired of each other and split up. It could also be that too many people marry or get really serious with the wrong person. Also what can I say she was the first girl I truly loved everything about, even her type A personality (I thought it was cute lol). I had loved others before her but I was always the one to walk away so it never hurt me nearly as much, but to have somebody you *thought* loved you turn their back on you really tears me up. I think at this time I am going to take a lengthy break from dating girls to figure everything out. I don't think I will be 100% ready for some time.

 

Btw... Starry your post really hit home about first loves.

 

You'll trust again, but most likely you'll never open yourself the way you did in the past. I'll never put myself in a vulnerable position again after what I've been through. At the end of the day you never really know the person you're with.

 

 

I agree with what's been said here. It's almost like the last childish part of you dies when you get screwed in love for the first time. You learn that people aren't always going to do what you think is right or act consistently. I used to give my closest partner the benefit of the doubt when it came to my feelings and doing right by them. Like I would my family, I expected him to never hurt me, always be on my side, be a team with me. That didn't happen, and I don't foresee my faith and trust in someone ever getting to that serene, innocent place again. Not to punish myself or anyone else, but just to be more realistic about life and people.

[marqueemoon4]

Before trusting another person, trust yourself first.

 

It's the same as, before loving another person, love yourself first.

 

trusting myself has never been a problem for me.......

[FlyAway&ComeBack]

I too have been left by my first love and I understand. Although, J0N, it saddens me when people stick the blame on girls. "I'll never trust girls again...girls are all heartbreakers...girls seem to be able change their feelings".

 

This isn't the case. I'm a girl. I was left by a boy. It can happen to anyone.

 

So firstly, know that there are girls out there in the same boat as you (hi!), who want to love again but are scared they will never be able to trust.

 

Secondly, I spent ages asking myself how did I get it wrong. I knew he was the one, how do you get the one wrong? Well...he was the FIRST one. First loves, I have been told, are different. You don't know any better. Next time around, you'll go in smarter and more wise to people who are going to be reckless with your heart - so you can keep it for someone worth having it. I have been told though by numerous sources that when you do meet THAT one, it's unlike anything else you have felt with any of your ex's. I like to think of that as a beacon of hope that the right guy is out there somewhere, he will feel as amazed with my love as I am with his, and trust won't be an issue because we both genuinely want to be together.

 

And finally, who knows? Maybe this girl is the one for you, and you just need some time to sort through your own personal issues. Or maybe her letting you go has opened the door for an amazing, new, better love to come into your life.

 

Hope the optimism helps!

 

That helps me a lot. I really don't think i'll be as comfortable with anyone as much as I was with him. He was my first love and I feel like he was THE ONE. I still do. It's been two months. We still contact everyday and see each other but I am the woman's that's trying to hold onto a letting go man. It's hard. and the crazy thing about all of is that I am willing to wait for him. After all that he has put me through.. He has really never done anything wrong to me through this whole break up.. But words hurt. They hurt a lot. That's the only thing I can really say about it. He says I'm doing nothing wrong. But, yet, everyday his feelings change for me. I don't understand why. I guess if we're meant to be.. Then we will be. In the future. I just think if I get with anyone else then I will do the samethings I did with my ex. Kissing wise, just loving wise. Maybe trying to make them into him. I don't know.. Just a fear I have. and like the song goes "Every mile a memory"... It's the truth. Can't shake the feelings I get. He expects me to. He doesn't think there's a reason for crying anymore aka after two months. Just still can't see myself without him..

Edited April 19, 2011 by FlyAway&ComeBack
Forgot something

[starryeyed12]

Hey,

I don't mean to rag on ALL girls. This whole ordeal has caused me to doubt alot of things, including weather I could be with one person for the rest of my life, I feel like most people just get tired of each other and split up. It could also be that too many people marry or get really serious with the wrong person. Also what can I say she was the first girl I truly loved everything about, even her type A personality (I thought it was cute lol). I had loved others before her but I was always the one to walk away so it never hurt me nearly as much, but to have somebody you *thought* loved you turn their back on you really tears me up. I think at this time I am going to take a lengthy break from dating girls to figure everything out. I don't think I will be 100% ready for some time.

 

Btw... Starry your post really hit home about first loves.

 

Thanks, J0N.

 

And I think you are on to something when you say that often people get serious with the wrong person. From observing friends and family and just taking in what I have learned from other sources, like LS, I have come to believe that a whole lot of people get married for the wrong reasons to a person who is not really good for them in the right ways. Also, people can just grow apart.

 

It all comes down to being with a person for the right reasons and being compatible with someone in the most important aspects of a relationship and at the right time in your life. Some areas of compatibility hold more water than others. Finding out what areas hold more water to you is something you learn with time and experience--i.e. failed relationships/dates or even learning from other people or resources. Don't give up on the idea of marriage and trust and love. And just be mindful of who you decide to give your heart to, because once you give it to someone it becomes EXTREMELY hard to get it back without some major heartache, no matter what kind of situation it was--good or bad. So take it slow and learn all you can about yourself through every experience. That's my goal!

[EmperorR]

You will but it will be different, after my ex fiance I told myself the same and well i did trust two other girls after that but not totally, you just always have to know nothing in life is certain people come and go, always love yourself more and put yourself first and realize you have no control over the situation.

[silvermane187]

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end"

[marqueemoon4]

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end"

 

first love, fifth love, its all the same.

[silvermane187]

I disagree. No matter how good my next relationship I'll know that odds are it isn't going to work out in the end. Where as with my first relationship I thought the opposite. Fool me once..etc etc

 

Maybe I'll end up fooling myself in to thinking the next girl is different. In every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist. Then again what do I know? Not much.

[radiodarcy]

After what happened with me and my ex i'll always have it in my mind that i could just get left at anytime and this scares me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life my her and now shes gone and doesnt look like shes ever comming back. Im the jealous type anyways and i wish i wasnt like that but im gonna try to be different with the next one but i Just feel like i'll never really be able too be as comfortable with someone else as i was with my ex. =(

 

i know what you mean. only for me - - it's not so much about not being able to trust again it's about not even wanting to *try* again. if trying again means running the risk of feeling like this then what's the point? i'm 35 and this was the closest thing to a relationship i've ever had. he was my first everything - -love, sexual experience. i had stayed out of relationships and dating because i had seen how much pain they had caused other people. and now that i've ended up in the same boat it's only further strengthened my resolve not to expose myself to the very likely possibility that it will happen again.

[J0N]

I was thinking about this thread today at work. Today is exactly 6 months since we broke up, so sorry for the novel. I've been thinking about my breakup a lot today.

 

I have decided that at this point, I am going to have a pretty difficult time trusting anyone or letting them close enough to hurt me the way that my ex did for a very long time. Take this for what it is, I am young (mid-20s); and she was the first girl who I ever truly loved turn her back on me without looking back once after 6 months. So I guess I have little experience in this area (advice welcome). I have analyzed our whole relationship over & over & over & over. I have decided that while I was not the perfect boyfriend to her, I was pretty good overall. I know now (conclusion I have come to after many many long pining sessions) that the reasons she gave me for wanting to break up actually had very little to do with the situation, rather she just tried to blame everything on me so that she would be able to feel better about what she was doing to me. I feel like she took me and our relationship for granted, I feel that she will come to regret what she did to me but at that time it will be far to late. I am moving to New York, nothing is going to stop me. She is also leaving my current city in three weeks to California for good. There is no possibility of reconciliation. I have accepted this.

 

Back to the subject of this thread. I let her in really close, I naively believed that we would be together forever. I let my love for her blind me to a lot of things. We always talked about spending our entire lives together, kids, dog, etc. The effect her leaving has had on me has been more than I could have ever imagined and then some. Sleepless nights, overwhelming sadness, inability to get her off my mind, extreme pining, etc. I was thinking about proposing to her within a few months (I had about 3/4 of the money saved for the ring). I have had lots of family and friends die, those all bothered me, but this really hit me where it hurts. It could be the equivalent of throwing a hand grenade in the master control room, it wasn't a huge explosion but it still sunk the ship.

 

I am sure that I will trust another girl, someday. I don't think I will let her close until I am sure that she is in this for the long haul. I will go out of my way to make sure that nothing like this happens to me again, although I am sure that it will.

 

Everyone always says that if life was supposed to be predicable and easy, it would be no fun.

 

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.