building a relationship with a bf's child?

[mysticmeg1]

my bf's has a little girl who's 6 from a previous relationship..

i have only met his daughter recently due to his ex not being comfortable with the situation( totally understandable) im not here to take her place as a mother

 

now im no parent..and i was never in a relationship where a child was involved, and to be honest im really nervous about it she is alittle doll of a girl real easy to get along with...but she's so young and innocent i dont want to confuse her about who i am( if that makes sense)

 

the thing is she's a real daddys girl and the other day the 3 of us were out and my bf held my hand and she wasn't a bit impressed bless her!! i immediatley pulled away

i dont want her to feel like im trying to take him away or anything! im trying desperatly to get along with her she does like me but i know its a big change for her

i feel so helpless because its a big deal to my bf that we get along

 

any advice for someone in my position thanks x

[creighton0123]

I think you're overthinking things. Is it a big change for her or a big change for you? Despite you, she will have whatever relationship she had with both her mother and her father.

 

Children might be innocent, young, and sweet, but they're also so very flexible.

 

She's most likely not confused at all unless someone else has conditioned her to be confused. Your actions, on the other hand, could confuse her very much.

 

Just enjoy spending time with your boyfriend and be a friend to his daughter. You might find that children are so much more easygoing and adaptable to change than adults.

 

Let her call you by your first name. They like that. It makes them feel more mature.

[mysticmeg1]

thank you so much for replying.. i think i am making something out of nothing maybe..i am enjoying the time i spend with her we are getting along very well its all new to me but im loving it i love kids anyway

 

i left this bit out in the thread as i wanted to keep it short, but my bf's ex didnt make life easy for us when we first started dating she refused to let him see the child as long as i was in the picture!!! so it was a major step for me and his daughter to meet!! she doesn't like me at all so i don't want the child to feel like its a ''pull and tug'' situation as you said i just want to be the friend and im more than thankful for that

 

they barley communicate now, only for their daughter's sake they wouldn't speak at all! her mother is so spiteful..but it cant be easy seeing some other woman with your daughter its only natural to feel jealous! thats why i wanted to see was anybody out there in my position thanks for the reply:)

[Kelemort]

How long have you been dating your boyfriend? That really matters here. 6 months, a year, 2 years? That's really relevant with this. I'm assuming the mother has calmed down on her tight ship, since you've now seen the child and she's not withholding the daughter from your boyfriend anymore.

 

Depending on how long you've been together - and if you've been together for less than a year, I'd say don't even bother - maybe you should suggest going out to lunch with the little girl, the mother and your boyfriend. I would hope that the mother can be civil enough in front of her daughter to get a better understanding of your relationship (if you all suspect that's not so, don't even try). Has the little girl complimented her mother to you? Maybe you'd say something over lunch like, "Hannah tells me you're the best mini golfer around. She must've gotten that from you - she's pretty good too!"

 

Maybe stroking the mother's ego a little bit, and reassuring that overgrown child that she and her daughter still have a special bond despite your place in the relationship, can help to calm her fears and see you more as a someday-potential-other-parent to rear her child into adulthood. You are going to be dealing with this mother for sure for the next 12 years, and if you hope to have a relationship with the daughter, it sounds like you're going to have to put up with some real crap.

 

If you are ever fighting the mother, it goes without saying to never bring it up to the little girl. Take the little one out for fun activities with you and your boyfriend - out for ice cream, playing mini golf, to the park, etc. - and get to know her better.

 

You are in a tough spot because it sounds like the mother is very possessive, immature and jealous. That's going to have a negative impact on this little girl. Retain your cheeriness and positive disposition, and feed the mother monster with an ego-stroke every once in a while to reassure her of her place.