my girlfriend's bi best friend

[dex712]

So my girlfriend has a bi best friend with whom she has hooked up before and when I first started seeing her (but before we were "official"), they got really drunk one night and he told her that he wished he didn't prefer guys so that he could be with her and that she's perfect for him etc. I told her I'm uncomfortable with not knowing where he stands as far as that goes (I don't believe anyone gets that drunk and said something that they didn't mean at all, or rather the alcohol gave him more courage to say something he otherwise didn't feel comfortable saying yet). She said she doesn't want to talk to him about it because it would be uncomfortable and that it could change their relationship, etc. but there have been to many little things that he's said towards me or hostility towards our relationship (again, little things, I kind of just shrugged it off, but now that I know about their history, I feel like there was a different basis for it) that now I just feel uncomfortable not knowing. Finally, she said that she'd talk to him about it soon, and that was 5 days ago. We've talked and hung out since, no mention of him or her talking to him about it and I'm starting to think that she just said it to appease me at the time.

How much longer should I wait? What are your thoughts on my reaction and how I'm treating this whole situation?

Edited April 19, 2011 by dex712
fixed typos

[dex712]

anyone? any thoughts?

[Stung]

I can totally understand your feeling uncomfortable with your gf being best friends with somebody she "hooked up" with so recently. It would make me uneasy in a new relationship, too.

 

As to what he said to her specifically, though, it sounds to me like a typical kind of drunken pity party thing to say. It's along the lines of a frustrated straight woman telling her best girl friend that she wishes they were lesbians, just because she's angry with her boyfriend or something. He prefers guys, things aren't working out well with any guys right now, he wishes he didn't prefer them so he could try for a real relationship with his girl friend. The important thing to note here is that he DOES apparently prefer men. Of course, it comes off differently because he's actually bi enough to find her sexually attractive, at least when they're drunk.

 

I would probably ask her to make some a couple of concessions to me by establishing firmer boundaries with this friend, if she were serious about our relationship. At the least, no more drinking nights out alone with him, for a long time. That's pretty reasonable, IMO. Otherwise, keep your eyes open, but try not to get paranoid. I don't think what he said to her was the big declaration of love you seem to read it as.

 

Now, if she refuses to make any boundary changes to make you more comfortable, or continues to be misleading about what she talks to him about--that's a whole new subject, and IMO that would be troubling behavior.

[Mrlonelyone]

How long has this person been your girlfriend?

 

I ask because no one who has been around the block is going to loose friends for a significant other who hasn't been around for a good long while. As a relationship matures gradually both people draw towards eachother closer than to their friends, and even their birth families (then they get married). That's one thing.

 

Demanding that your girlfriend break contact with a friend who she has known for God knows how long is not the way to go about it. The man himself said that though he's bi he favors men over women a bit. He said that he wished he was more into women because she's so great. SOoo he has basically told her that he does not see them being anything more than friends.

 

Now what you should do is back off and let the two of you naturally draw together in due time or else you get branded as the controlling insecure guy. That's not something you want or need.

[dex712]

We've been together for close to a year now and they've been friends since college, so 5+ years so far. I wouldn't demand her to lose a friend over this, nor am I trying to tell her how to bring up the issue or talk about it, just that it should be dealt with and it's up to her to figure it out. Whatever she'll tell me, I'll believe, I don't need proof or anything, I just want some piece of mind and consideration, that's all.

It just makes me feel wary of their relationship, knowing their history and the fact that she hasn't shown any initiative to figure it out on her own because of the potential of finding out that there's something there.

I have the decency and common sense to do that when I'm in a dedicated, mature, loving relationship, and I'm wondering why she doesn't act the same. I value my friends very much, but I also understand the need to put the feelings of the person that you love before those of friends who may have feelings for you- there's a place and time for everything. She says that's she's very dedicated to the relationship and would do anything for me and us, but to me that's not the point- I don't want to ask anyone to do anything, it's that natural progression that I'm worried about that it's either not clicking yet or there's something happening with the friend, neither of which are a good sign for the relationship.

[Kelemort]

They have a shared history and he's shown hostility toward OP. I think that's all the reason he needs to be wary of this guy and to not feel particularly great about their friendship. I think you mentioned you've shared these slights and all with your girlfriend, but she has yet to do anything about it. Did you know that they were friends and that they had hooked up when you first started dating? I'm assuming by 'hooked up' you mean the whole nine yards and not just making out or something.

 

Maybe he understands some of the boundaries by emphasizing he's more into guys, but who knows. Stand guard. I'd bring it up to your girlfriend again, outlining your ideal deadline for when all of this will occur. I think it's reasonable to ask them not to have drinking nights out alone.