its not worth it

[bentnotbroken]

My MM has given his wife phone numbers of counselors and psychiatrists to contact. She refuses. He has contacted her friend and her friend got upset with him and told him he needs to come home. He has asked her to get in touch with her siblings to help her out. She refuses. He has contacted them and they have said they will look after her but to his knowledge they have not (she is not close to anyone in her family). She works in the medical profession so she could easily ask a dr. she is friends with to write her a prescription for her nerves or an anti depressant. But she refuses to. I can not say whether or not her threats are real. MM does not even know. It worries him because he thinks that if she becomes any more desperate she may attempt such a thing. But she has been alone for almost a month and though she contacts him almost every day (it has gotten worse recently) begging him to come back she hasn't tried to harm herself.

 

I think he is afraid if he doesn't do the bare minimum and respond to some of her texts that it might drive her over the edge. Other than MM having her declared mentally incompetent (which I imagine would be a huge embarassement to her and may cost her her job) I do not see how else he can help her aside from what he has tried. She has to want to accept help from someone or seek it out on her own.

 

 

You are right he is afraid...but not of what she may or may not do...He is afraid to be a man. Pity, wasted ________.

[BenThereDunThat]

When I kicked my exH out of the house, he was a WRECK. He cried to anyone who would listen. I can't even tell you what all he put me through. Not to mention what I put up with while we were married and supposedly happy.

 

It was HARD, but did not change the fact that I was completely miserable with him.

 

Guess what? He survived. He still will play the pity nonsense if he comes across someone who he thinks it will work on.

 

I did it though. AND I was alone. I did not have someone waiting in the wings with arms wide open.

 

I did it because I wanted it, needed it.

[miranda3379]

OK, let's go with the premise that you are real for a few minutes. Wouldn't the infidelity section be the obvious place to look and hey you've already been told what the name is and yes you should go read it as it will show you the raw pain this woman is in.

 

 

I have asked someone to give me a link to the posts that are supposedly MM's wife's but no one has. I looked in the divorce section, the breaking up section, the infidelity section, the cheating section and I tried searching by the user name "Lexi"

 

He should feel guilt because he has done a terrible awful thing to her and if he didn't feel guilt he would be a true sociopath. He has been and still is deluding himself thinking someone else is going to come along and make everything OK for her and I doubt it will do much for his guilt.

 

 

 

It doesn't matter what her reasons are for doing what she is doing. She IS his wife and you really have no right to cast your judgment upon her.

 

 

 

The best thing he could do for her is tell her family that she needs help and he needs to cut her off completely. That is the only way she is going to accept the finality of it.

 

 

 

If you don't think he is a great guy for doing this, then why do you keep enabling him to do it? You are speaking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

 

 

Of course she isn't going to do anything, his contact with her, no matter how limited IS contact and she sees that as hope.

 

 

 

Him going back won't help her at all, it might ease his guilt a bit but it won't help her, in fact it could push her completely over the edge. As said many times the best thing he can do is complete NC and tell her family to take care of her. As for you and him........his guilt and your guilt (will come eventually) will destroy your relationship. Both of you are going to have to deal with what you have done and it won't be pretty. I don't see any way that you two will survive it.

 

 

 

IMO there isn't a chance in hell that your relationship with him will ever work out nor will he ever be able to work things out with her either. She will eventually hate him for what he has done and he will hate himself for doing it. The best thing would be for you to end it now before something worse happens and you have to deal with that on your conscious. No one wins.......Miranda, no one can possibly come out of this with any semblance of happiness and peace and it will take years if not a lifetime to put this behind all three of you. Yours is the kind of situation that we see on television news or dateline programs in which someone does something crazy and has lifetime consequences and the sooner you remove yourself maybe it will be less likely to happen.

 

 

Can I ask you why you don't think him going back to her will work out? That is all that she wants is it not? So why wouldn't she do everything in her power to keep him if he goes back? I have told him that I know one day she will get very hurt and angry at him (once she feels safe again) for what he did. But why do you think it will push her over the edge if he returns to her (for good).

 

I have told him that if he feels the need to work on his marriage I will either send him back or I will step aside and not bother them. I will miss him terribly but I will do as he feels is right because I love him.

 

I honestly do not see how he can turn things over to her family and walk away. She isn't close to her family and her only child is in prison so if he cuts off all contact he feels she may harm herself and no one will care. He doesn't want to be responsible for that. He said he always thought she would fine without him, that they basically lived like roommates and she really didn't even want him around. He said that now she sees how she treated him (not that its her fault at all for what he did) but that she is sorry for how she neglected him and pushed him away all the time and that he feels guilty that she would feel this way after what he's done to her. He feels guilty that he has someone to love and she has no one.

 

he says that when he's with me it all goes away. that he feels no guilt but when he is alone (when I'm at work or he's at work) that the guilt hits him hard .That every time she asks something of him (things he has to say no to because it would give her hope if he said yes) and he says no she gets upset and it makes him feel terrible.

 

I said I don't think he is a great guy for cheating. but he has been a great guy to me- if that makes sense. He has done more for me than anyone ever has, he appreciates me, he loves me, he takes care of me. He told me he would leave his wife and he followed through on that. He could have taken the easy way out and just stayed (that is what she wanted, she forgave him for everything, it wasnt as though he was kicked out and turned to me) but he didn't. He gave "us" a chance and I will always love him for that.

 

The "us" and the situation isn't what I thought it would be. That is why I'm telling of my experience- to serve as a heads up or a warning- that even if your an OW and you get what you want- the MM to leave and be with you- it isn't what you think it will be. My MM and I had shared everything together- we thought we found in eachother everything we always wanted and never expected to find all in one person. We were so connected, so attached, so in tune with one another.

 

But when real life hits its a different story. If I knew he would be ok and she would eventually be ok I'd weather the storm with him. But I just don't think he will ever be free of the guilt and the worry.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Miranda,

 

I understand that you feel concern for how the situation is going, and honestly, I feel sort of sorry for you. I can't feel all the way sorry for you because, let's face it, you're the other woman. But I can see how conflicted you feel.

 

Either you have to let him go and move on with your life or he has to go no contact with his wife. He can't have it both ways. If he's not willing to go no contact with his wife, you need to give him the boot. He needs to man up and deal with this situation, and not keep feeling sorry for himself. Yes, she's upset, who the hell wouldn't be if their husband of almost 20 years one day came home and was like "Yeah, I don't love you anymore and I'm in love with someone else" and pretty much just flaunts it in their face? How the hell would you feel if he did that to you? Put yourself in HER shoes for a minute, of course she's upset! Everything she has known has been totally turned upside down. You wouldn't be okay after all that either.

 

HOWEVER, I do understand (because I've posted on the wife's thread) that she is going overboard with wanting him to come back no matter what. That's why he has to go no contact. He HAS to show her that yes, he's done, he's moving on. If he keeps talking to her it's going to keep giving her hope, no matter what comes out of his mouth. I don't care if he buys a bulletin board on the highway she drives to work on that says "I don't love you anymore, I'm moving on to someone else now", so long as he keeps talking to her, SHE'S GOING TO HOLD OUT HOPE.

 

If he's not willing to be a man and put an end to her misery and go no contact, you need to be a woman and put your foot down. He either goes no contact and files for divorce or you kick his ass out.

[miranda3379]

Miranda,

 

I understand that you feel concern for how the situation is going, and honestly, I feel sort of sorry for you. I can't feel all the way sorry for you because, let's face it, you're the other woman. But I can see how conflicted you feel.

 

Either you have to let him go and move on with your life or he has to go no contact with his wife. He can't have it both ways. If he's not willing to go no contact with his wife, you need to give him the boot. He needs to man up and deal with this situation, and not keep feeling sorry for himself. Yes, she's upset, who the hell wouldn't be if their husband of almost 20 years one day came home and was like "Yeah, I don't love you anymore and I'm in love with someone else" and pretty much just flaunts it in their face? How the hell would you feel if he did that to you? Put yourself in HER shoes for a minute, of course she's upset! Everything she has known has been totally turned upside down. You wouldn't be okay after all that either.

 

HOWEVER, I do understand (because I've posted on the wife's thread) that she is going overboard with wanting him to come back no matter what. That's why he has to go no contact. He HAS to show her that yes, he's done, he's moving on. If he keeps talking to her it's going to keep giving her hope, no matter what comes out of his mouth. I don't care if he buys a bulletin board on the highway she drives to work on that says "I don't love you anymore, I'm moving on to someone else now", so long as he keeps talking to her, SHE'S GOING TO HOLD OUT HOPE.

 

If he's not willing to be a man and put an end to her misery and go no contact, you need to be a woman and put your foot down. He either goes no contact and files for divorce or you kick his ass out.

 

 

I don't think he realizes that no contact is a way to put an end to her misery. I know she is upset who wouldn't be? But who would want a man who keeps telling you he doesn't want you? Who would want someone who cheated on you and wants to be with someone else? I don't expect her to hand him over to me or anything but she blames me for everything and has absolved MM 100% of any blame. That, i do not understand. Unless its just something he tells me. I think he feels that no contact is away to end his misery, not hers. He feels he would be abandoning her and moving on with his life to make himself happy and just leaving her floundering. I do not understand how one can actually go no contact when you still have bills in common, he is paying the mortgage and she has not made a decision as to where she will live. So its not feasible (as I see it) for him to have no contact with her. If I were him I would end the texting when she texts I love you to him. I think he feels he has broken her and it is the least he can do to allow her one small thing (he does not write I love you back or anything like that) if it makes her feel better.

[sion1981]

I just found this forum today when I was doing a google search. I registered as soon as I read this thread. I've read it all, I haven't yet investigated the troll accusations yet myself, but what I can say is that what I'm hearing from Miranda sounds very real. I can completely relate to her situation. I don't intend to hijack this thread for my own purposes but what I will say is that I entered into an affair with a married woman while still being married myself. Over a year since our relationship started, I am now divorced and she is still married while her man has no idea of my relationship with her. I will post my own entry to give some details.

 

My point for this response in the thread is that I definitely identify with what Miranda is saying. I searched for people in situations similar to mine because quite frankly everybody needs a support group sometime to weather the storm of these crazy emotions. Miranda, I'm really sorry you are going through this because I am too...with a few different circumstances. It is so easy to look at people's situations from the outside and judge if you have not been there. Growing up, I never thought I would be the unwise fool who decided to throw caution to the wind and seek out a married woman. When I see somebody in a situation like I am in it makes my heart break with pity....you can't understand this hurt til you have been here. I wish for better days for us all.

[fooled once]

My MM has given his wife phone numbers of counselors and psychiatrists to contact. She refuses. He has contacted her friend and her friend got upset with him and told him he needs to come home. He has asked her to get in touch with her siblings to help her out. She refuses. He has contacted them and they have said they will look after her but to his knowledge they have not (she is not close to anyone in her family). She works in the medical profession so she could easily ask a dr. she is friends with to write her a prescription for her nerves or an anti depressant. But she refuses to. I can not say whether or not her threats are real. MM does not even know. It worries him because he thinks that if she becomes any more desperate she may attempt such a thing. But she has been alone for almost a month and though she contacts him almost every day (it has gotten worse recently) begging him to come back she hasn't tried to harm herself.

 

I think he is afraid if he doesn't do the bare minimum and respond to some of her texts that it might drive her over the edge. Other than MM having her declared mentally incompetent (which I imagine would be a huge embarassement to her and may cost her her job) I do not see how else he can help her aside from what he has tried. She has to want to accept help from someone or seek it out on her own.

 

actually, she can't just get a doctor friend to write her a script. She needs to be a patient because if it is found that that he wrote her a script like that, he could lose his license.

 

As for declaring someone mentally incompetent; good luck proving it. The last thing anyone would be concerned about would be embarrassment. It is actually a court process that would happen and there would have to be medical professionals who testify that she is a danger to herself and/or others. it isn't something her husband can just go to court and have it happen.

 

If he truly was concerned about his wife, he wouldn't be throwing his affair with you in her face. If he was truly concerned about her, he would stop the head games with her.

 

I would think her co-workers would be able to determine her mental capacity before her H since he isn't around and is more concerned about ensuring you are there to catch him / be his safe place to land.

 

This whole situation is just

[miranda3379]

Sion1981 I am sorry to hear you are going through something similiar. It is very hard on everyone involved. Do you feel it is worth it?

 

 

actually, she can't just get a doctor friend to write her a script. She needs to be a patient because if it is found that that he wrote her a script like that, he could lose his license.

 

As for declaring someone mentally incompetent; good luck proving it. The last thing anyone would be concerned about would be embarrassment. It is actually a court process that would happen and there would have to be medical professionals who testify that she is a danger to herself and/or others. it isn't something her husband can just go to court and have it happen.

 

If he truly was concerned about his wife, he wouldn't be throwing his affair with you in her face. If he was truly concerned about her, he would stop the head games with her.

 

I would think her co-workers would be able to determine her mental capacity before her H since he isn't around and is more concerned about ensuring you are there to catch him / be his safe place to land.

 

This whole situation is just

 

 

As far as if he is truly concerned about his wife then he wouldn't be throwing the affair in her face? I really don't understand this- its not like he is running around telling her how happy he is or talking to me in front of her or telling her she can't compete with me or something like that. He HAS to stay strong and not give her any hint of anything or she takes it as he is planning to come back. I'm not making fun of her but from what he has told me and I think I found the thread that ppl are saying is hers (the title is my husband of twenty years cheated and is leaving) and if that is her it is scary. It does sound very simliar to MM's wife and is either her or someone trying to get info for her. There are somethings I did not know. It seems worse than he has told me because any time he does one little thing she takes it as hope. Basically she could sneeze and he could say bless you and she would take it as he is planning to return and work on their marriage. I'm being sarcastic but I'm just saying that he has to say things about the affair just to not give her hope.

 

I really don't understand what head games you think he is playing with her. I'm not defending him I'm genuinely confused. He isn't like a lot of MM i've read about that waffle back and forth or return to work things out and then leave again. He left, he's gone, he hasn't returned. He doesn't even talk to her on the phone and she wants him to.

 

Also I've been in relationships that have ended and even when I was just living with someone, it is hard to go no contact because you have bills in common, pets, furniture to be divided, one has to move out etc. It takes some time.

[TurboGirl]

If any of it is really real, MAN what a messed up situation.

 

Sounds like there is a lot codependcy-enabling going on there, the MM to his W... and Miranda, you are just ever so understanding. If the guy wants out of his M, he needs to step through all that noise, ignore the W, tell her to quit with the drama, and get on with life. Sounds like she is trying every trick in the book to keep the H, and he is sucked in.

 

Honestly I think you would be better of without him and all of this drama in your life! You haven't even been with the MM that long, should be not all that difficult to pack it in and move on with you life to a much calmer, happier, more positive situation.

[PhoenixRise]

If any of it is really real, MAN what a messed up situation.

 

Sounds like there is a lot codependcy-enabling going on there, the MM to his W... and Miranda, you are just ever so understanding. If the guy wants out of his M, he needs to step through all that noise, ignore the W, tell her to quit with the drama, and get on with life. Sounds like she is trying every trick in the book to keep the H, and he is sucked in.

 

Honestly I think you would be better of without him and all of this drama in your life! You haven't even been with the MM that long, should be not all that difficult to pack it in and move on with you life to a much calmer, happier, more positive situation.

 

Well based on all the previous posts by Miranda....

 

Miranda should be understanding considering that after dday she called the BW and, in a very cruel, calculated, and deliberate way, intentionally devastated her. AND she did it to manipulate the feelings of the MM.

 

MM also DID, for a while, stay in the marital home and rub the affair in the BW's face.

 

 

Maybe if these APs had not involved the BW in so many of their mind games, she would be a little further along in her recovery.

Edited April 22, 2011 by PhoenixRise

[miranda3379]

Well based on all the previous posts by Miranda....

 

Miranda should be understanding considering that after dday she called the BW and, in a very cruel, calculated, and deliberate way, intentionally devastated her. AND she did it to manipulate the feelings of the MM.

 

MM also DID, for a while, stay in the marital home and rub the affair in the BW's face.

 

 

Maybe if these APs had not involved the BW in so many of their mind games, she would be a little further along in her recovery.

 

Just to clear this up- I'm not excusing myself from what I did but I thought it was the right thing at the time- in the very beginning MM left right away. He walked out the day she found out and stayed with me for a night or two. His wife kept calling and begging him to come back. She was devastated understandably so and she brought out the "I will kill myself" card and he got scared and returned home. he stayed in the spare room the entire time and was at the house to try to aleviate some of her fears about being alone. He thought (however misguided) that if he was at least present at the house but she saw that he was not present in their marriage, she would either get angry and want him gone or she would see that things would never work out and stop being so devastated. When he "rubbed the affair in her face" he wasn't trying to hurt her more- he was trying to remind her he wasn't going to come around and work things out to make it better with her. She basically wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

One day soon after DD he came to me and told me that she sent him over to tell me that it was over between us and if he didn't do this she would either hurt me or hurt herself. I can't remember all the details (there has been so much drama) but he came over and told me what he was there for. he was crying and holding on to me and told me he couldn't end things with us,that he couldn't imagine his life without me and if I left him I would always have his heart. That he would never be able to love his wife the way she deserved because he'd never had feelings like he had for me (now I realize this is part of the excitment and intense feelings an affair generates). I told him that if he was torn between us (he didn't want her to be in so much pain, he'd thought she'd hate him for cheating) then I would make the choice for him. That I would walk away. He begged me not to. I told him I would make him hate me (and that would kill his feelings for me and he could work on things with his wife) He said there was nothing I could do to make him hate me. He said we are still together and he was going to figure out a way to end things in his marriage more peacefully.

 

When he left, I called his wife. I told her that he had not delivered the message he'd been sent to deliver. That was my only intention when I called. Because if I was a BS I would want to know if my husband was still lying to me. She went off on me and I let her. She said something that touched a nerve (that he'd never leave her after all their years together etc) and I should have kept my mouth shut but I didn't. I told her that he told me I would always have his heart. I told her about the previous affair he had that she'd discovered but didn't believe. I knew she would tell him what I did and he would hate me and leave me alone. And work on his relationship with his wife.

 

However, he did the opposite. He told her he knew why I had called her. And then he called me and told me I'd still never make him hate me.

 

He stayed in their home because she wanted him to stay. ANd he mistakenly thought that if he left she might harm herself. It was a real fear. He also thought that her seeing that he didn't want to work things out would help her begin to move on.

 

He could sit there and tell her that he had an affair every year they were married (I'm his 2nd) and she would still forgive him and want him to stay with her because she does not want to be alone.

 

And I know I'm responsible for her pain as well as MM. But he took vows with her. He was responsible for not cheating on her or betraying her. I'm not throwing him under the bus because I participated. but I do not understand why she is so fixated on blaming the entire thing on me. I'm not some magical woman that seduced her innocent husband. If he didn't do something with me, he would have found someone else as he did years before me. There is something emotional, something fun, a connection missing in their marriage because that is what he seeks out. I am sorry for participating in this affair. I fell for him because he was everything I had ever wanted in a man (married aside obviously) He fufilled every need I had and vice versa. Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now? NO way in hell. It is totally not worth it. You can never be totally happy knowing you are happy at someone else's expense. That in order to be happy you were part of devastating someone who did nothing wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

Just to clear this up- I'm not excusing myself from what I did but I thought it was the right thing at the time- in the very beginning MM left right away. He walked out the day she found out and stayed with me for a night or two. His wife kept calling and begging him to come back. She was devastated understandably so and she brought out the "I will kill myself" card and he got scared and returned home. he stayed in the spare room the entire time and was at the house to try to aleviate some of her fears about being alone. He thought (however misguided) that if he was at least present at the house but she saw that he was not present in their marriage, she would either get angry and want him gone or she would see that things would never work out and stop being so devastated. When he "rubbed the affair in her face" he wasn't trying to hurt her more- he was trying to remind her he wasn't going to come around and work things out to make it better with her. She basically wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

One day soon after DD he came to me and told me that she sent him over to tell me that it was over between us and if he didn't do this she would either hurt me or hurt herself. I can't remember all the details (there has been so much drama) but he came over and told me what he was there for. he was crying and holding on to me and told me he couldn't end things with us,that he couldn't imagine his life without me and if I left him I would always have his heart. That he would never be able to love his wife the way she deserved because he'd never had feelings like he had for me (now I realize this is part of the excitment and intense feelings an affair generates). I told him that if he was torn between us (he didn't want her to be in so much pain, he'd thought she'd hate him for cheating) then I would make the choice for him. That I would walk away. He begged me not to. I told him I would make him hate me (and that would kill his feelings for me and he could work on things with his wife) He said there was nothing I could do to make him hate me. He said we are still together and he was going to figure out a way to end things in his marriage more peacefully.

 

When he left, I called his wife. I told her that he had not delivered the message he'd been sent to deliver. That was my only intention when I called. Because if I was a BS I would want to know if my husband was still lying to me. She went off on me and I let her. She said something that touched a nerve (that he'd never leave her after all their years together etc) and I should have kept my mouth shut but I didn't. I told her that he told me I would always have his heart. I told her about the previous affair he had that she'd discovered but didn't believe. I knew she would tell him what I did and he would hate me and leave me alone. And work on his relationship with his wife.

 

However, he did the opposite. He told her he knew why I had called her. And then he called me and told me I'd still never make him hate me.

 

He stayed in their home because she wanted him to stay. ANd he mistakenly thought that if he left she might harm herself. It was a real fear. He also thought that her seeing that he didn't want to work things out would help her begin to move on.

 

He could sit there and tell her that he had an affair every year they were married (I'm his 2nd) and she would still forgive him and want him to stay with her because she does not want to be alone.

 

And I know I'm responsible for her pain as well as MM. But he took vows with her. He was responsible for not cheating on her or betraying her. I'm not throwing him under the bus because I participated. but I do not understand why she is so fixated on blaming the entire thing on me. I'm not some magical woman that seduced her innocent husband. If he didn't do something with me, he would have found someone else as he did years before me. There is something emotional, something fun, a connection missing in their marriage because that is what he seeks out. I am sorry for participating in this affair. I fell for him because he was everything I had ever wanted in a man (married aside obviously) He fufilled every need I had and vice versa. Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now? NO way in hell. It is totally not worth it. You can never be totally happy knowing you are happy at someone else's expense. That in order to be happy you were part of devastating someone who did nothing wrong.

 

No she should not blame you entirely. His actions are his to own and your actions are yours to own. But if this ends badly(in a total breakdown or her death) ...there will be plenty of responsibility to go all the way around.

[whichwayisup]

So D-Day was in February and now it's mid-April and nothing has changed. He hasn't fully left, and he has handled this badly.

 

What are you going to do if in another 2 months, things are exactly the same as they are now? She's unwilling to let go and he hasn't fully left yet and/or filed for a D?

 

how many years has he been married to his wife? Some posts 20+ years and other posts of yours have said 18, and also 16 years..

[TurboGirl]

 

One day soon after DD he came to me and told me that she sent him over to tell me that it was over between us and if he didn't do this she would either hurt me or hurt herself. I can't remember all the details (there has been so much drama) but he came over and told me what he was there for. he was crying and holding on to me and told me he couldn't end things with us,that he couldn't imagine his life without me and if I left him I would always have his heart. That he would never be able to love his wife the way she deserved because he'd never had feelings like he had for me (now I realize this is part of the excitment and intense feelings an affair generates). I told him that if he was torn between us (he didn't want her to be in so much pain, he'd thought she'd hate him for cheating) then I would make the choice for him. That I would walk away. He begged me not to. I told him I would make him hate me (and that would kill his feelings for me and he could work on things with his wife) He said there was nothing I could do to make him hate me. He said we are still together and he was going to figure out a way to end things in his marriage more peacefully.

 

When he left, I called his wife. I told her that he had not delivered the message he'd been sent to deliver. That was my only intention when I called. Because if I was a BS I would want to know if my husband was still lying to me. She went off on me and I let her. She said something that touched a nerve (that he'd never leave her after all their years together etc) and I should have kept my mouth shut but I didn't. I told her that he told me I would always have his heart. I told her about the previous affair he had that she'd discovered but didn't believe. I knew she would tell him what I did and he would hate me and leave me alone. And work on his relationship with his wife.

 

 

Miranda, look at this guy! The wife SENT HIM OVER TO BREAK THINGS OFF WITH YOU? Really...he's a just a messenger boy, so easily controlled? (apparently so) seems like this MM is a puppet between you and the BS. If any of this is in fact true... seems pretty far fetched to me.

 

Why on earth would you call the BS? To stir things up and hurt her even more? Push her over the edge so she kills herself?

 

@Phoenixrising, my comment was completely SARCASTIC.

 

Seriously, you haven't been with this guy very long. Why not leave him to his wife and go & find yourself a single guy?

[miranda3379]

So D-Day was in February and now it's mid-April and nothing has changed. He hasn't fully left, and he has handled this badly.

 

What are you going to do if in another 2 months, things are exactly the same as they are now? She's unwilling to let go and he hasn't fully left yet and/or filed for a D?

 

how many years has he been married to his wife? Some posts 20+ years and other posts of yours have said 18, and also 16 years..

 

 

That is the thing. He HAS fully left. his stuff is at my house, he is living there. The only thing left at his house are their furniture and appliances. And his dogs. he can't bring his dogs to my apartment. He told her if she stays in the house she can have everything that is left. If she moves he wants his W/D and his recliner. That is it. If she moves out then he moves back in with his pets. He has been married 16 years. THey have been together since she was 17 I believe. They were together for several years before they married. If in 2 months the situation hasn't changed I will walk away. He may walk away before that happens, I have no idea. Maybe he won't be able to take the strain of worrying about her harming herself and will just go back and try to work things out for her sake. Or to relieve his guilt. I don't know.

[PhoenixRise]

No she should not blame you entirely. His actions are his to own and your actions are yours to own. But if this ends badly(in a total breakdown or her death) ...there will be plenty of responsibility to go all the way around.

 

 

Exactly. I am certainly not saying that the OP should be blamed entirely. If in fact the wife is doing this I hope she will get beyond it enough to realize that her husband made his own choices in this.

 

However, the OP did her share of dirt. Beyond JUST engaging in an affair. The OP deliberately set out to hurt the BW and she succeeded. So if the wife is having a hard time dealing with all the pain she has been dealt recently then Miranda needs to just suck it up and realize that she was one of the people dealing out those cards.

 

Miranda, look at this guy! The wife SENT HIM OVER TO BREAK THINGS OFF WITH YOU? Really...he's a just a messenger boy, so easily controlled? (apparently so) seems like this MM is a puppet between you and the BS. If any of this is in fact true... seems pretty far fetched to me.

 

Why on earth would you call the BS? To stir things up and hurt her even more? Push her over the edge so she kills herself?

 

@Phoenixrising, my comment was completely SARCASTIC.

 

Seriously, you haven't been with this guy very long. Why not leave him to his wife and go & find yourself a single guy?

 

TurboGirl

 

I did realize you were being sarcastic with your comment. I was also struck by how understanding Miranda was being about the BW's pain when earlier she posted about how she deliberately set out to devastate the BW in order to get the emotional response she wanted from MM.

 

Frankly, I hope Miranda Does Not leave him to his wife. I hope Miranda and MM ride off into the sunset together and that the wife will one day understand that she is much better off without him.

[Baroness67]

It's become pretty obvious to me as well that Miranda and Lexi are the same person. If you go through Lexi29's posts in past years, the writing styles, punctuation, etc. are all pretty singular. The paragraph structures, the constant insertion of parentheses, lack of correct punctuation.

 

In fact aside from the apostrophe thing, both Lexi and Miranda do this thing with the hyphen where they leave out the first space- like that.

 

So Miranda is the same gal who had the 5 year fiance with the 8 year old son she didn't get along with. She has now moved on to a married man and probably changed her account because too many of her details were so similar, then went back to use her old account and pose as the betrayed spouse. The MM's spouse is not really posting here, though I was sucked in for a while. It's the OW projecting how miserable she hopes the BS is feeling. She has done all but write stuff like "I know I have lost my looks and I don't like to do fun things and that she is so much younger and prettier ..." etc.

 

She is a very immature OW who for some reason isn't getting what she wants out of whatever situation she's in, and is trying to write/will it into existence. Miranda/Lexi sounds like a piece of work to me.

[Baroness67]

Look up this thing called Munchausen by Internet. I think this is some version of that.

 

For someone in a torrid love affair with her wonderful MM, she seems to have a LOT of time on her hands to flail about on the internet and hang around to argue with every response. And, just me, but I frankly have to be suspect about any account that opens pretty much spontaneously only to chime in on Miranda/Lexi's threads.

[OWoman]

Can I ask you why you don't think him going back to her will work out? That is all that she wants is it not? So why wouldn't she do everything in her power to keep him if he goes back? I have told him that I know one day she will get very hurt and angry at him (once she feels safe again) for what he did. But why do you think it will push her over the edge if he returns to her (for good).

 

I have told him that if he feels the need to work on his marriage I will either send him back or I will step aside and not bother them. I will miss him terribly but I will do as he feels is right because I love him.

 

I honestly do not see how he can turn things over to her family and walk away. She isn't close to her family and her only child is in prison so if he cuts off all contact he feels she may harm herself and no one will care. He doesn't want to be responsible for that. He said he always thought she would fine without him, that they basically lived like roommates and she really didn't even want him around. He said that now she sees how she treated him (not that its her fault at all for what he did) but that she is sorry for how she neglected him and pushed him away all the time and that he feels guilty that she would feel this way after what he's done to her. He feels guilty that he has someone to love and she has no one.

 

he says that when he's with me it all goes away. that he feels no guilt but when he is alone (when I'm at work or he's at work) that the guilt hits him hard .That every time she asks something of him (things he has to say no to because it would give her hope if he said yes) and he says no she gets upset and it makes him feel terrible.

 

I said I don't think he is a great guy for cheating. but he has been a great guy to me- if that makes sense. He has done more for me than anyone ever has, he appreciates me, he loves me, he takes care of me. He told me he would leave his wife and he followed through on that. He could have taken the easy way out and just stayed (that is what she wanted, she forgave him for everything, it wasnt as though he was kicked out and turned to me) but he didn't. He gave "us" a chance and I will always love him for that.

 

The "us" and the situation isn't what I thought it would be. That is why I'm telling of my experience- to serve as a heads up or a warning- that even if your an OW and you get what you want- the MM to leave and be with you- it isn't what you think it will be. My MM and I had shared everything together- we thought we found in eachother everything we always wanted and never expected to find all in one person. We were so connected, so attached, so in tune with one another.

 

But when real life hits its a different story. If I knew he would be ok and she would eventually be ok I'd weather the storm with him. But I just don't think he will ever be free of the guilt and the worry.

 

Miranda, none of the three of you will ever get through this unless at least two of you get counselling.

 

Either him and her, to sort out ending their M in a mature, healthy way that leaves them both free to move on to their futures alone or with other people, or - if they both really want to - fixing their M and moving beyond the brokenness past and present. Divorce or M counselling to resolve the impasse would break the horrible codependency thing keeping them both trapped.

 

Or you and him - to sort out your various guilt and baggages and all the drama surrounding your R, and to decide whether or not you have a future as a couple and if so to build a healthy foundation for it.

 

Or you, and her, as individuals - both to move on with your lives beyond him, who seems unwilling and unable to move on with his own life, and who is either enjoying keeping his BW in her current state or is too stupid to realise that he's not just enabling, he's actively prolonging it and should be seeking resolution for the sake of ALL of you.

 

But ideally, all of you - as individuals, and both couples - should receive counselling to resolve this before it gets any worse.

[sion1981]

Look up this thing called Munchausen by Internet. I think this is some version of that.

 

For someone in a torrid love affair with her wonderful MM, she seems to have a LOT of time on her hands to flail about on the internet and hang around to argue with every response. And, just me, but I frankly have to be suspect about any account that opens pretty much spontaneously only to chime in on Miranda/Lexi's threads.

 

So I am suspect now am I? Has the forum degenerated to a discussion of seeing witches where there are none? Ok, maybe she did change her name or whatnot, I haven't bothered to investigate. To me it does not really matter because the emotions she is voicing are very real. Her situation would probably be similar to mine should the MM find out in my situation. It is disheartening to know that you can't find happiness in an affair situation without a price to pay.

[bentnotbroken]

So I am suspect now am I? Has the forum degenerated to a discussion of seeing witches where there are none? Ok, maybe she did change her name or whatnot, I haven't bothered to investigate. To me it does not really matter because the emotions she is voicing are very real. Her situation would probably be similar to mine should the MM find out in my situation. It is disheartening to know that you can't find happiness in an affair situation without a price to pay.

Yes, disheartening...isn't it? Too bad our actions come with consequences.

[Baroness67]

It is disheartening to know that you can't find happiness in an affair situation without a price to pay.

 

This makes absolutely no sense to me. On what planet does one ever find happiness in an affair situation without a price to pay?

[bentnotbroken]

This makes absolutely no sense to me. On what planet does one ever find happiness in an affair situation without a price to pay?

 

 

Sarcasm is just one of my many services, at least according to my children:D

[Rose1977]

Sarcasm is just one of my many services, at least according to my children:D

 

 

Really Bent? Diet Coke all over the laptop. Thanks a lot. :lmao:. You typically only do this to me in the morning.

 

Re: OP.. If this is real, which I kind of hope it's not because it's a mess, I agree with Owoman that if any of you hope to have any semblance of a normal life after this, intensive counseling needs to be started on all ends. You cannot control her or him, but you can control your actions and reactions and save your sanity as well. I cannot imagine how stressful all of this is on everyone including you, and stress will make you not see things clearly or make decisions as well as you normally would. I really hope everyone gets through this okay.

[daisy love]

Miranda,

Stop focusing on the wife! Focus on you! What do YOU want? Do you love him and want him? You two need to be standing together and supporting each other right now. The wife is a grown woman who can take care of herself.

 

HUGS!!

(((MIRANDA)))