beanzmom Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 sigh. Long story short, I'm married. Have been for 13 years. My husband is mentally/verbally abusive, neglectful unless he wants laid. Then he's copping feels on me in front of the kids, and calling me a beyotch when I'm not jumping his bones and pushing his hands away. GAH!!!!! No concern for my happiness, he thinks I'm a complete B#tCH that has ruined his life. He transitions from being helpful around the house to being buried in his computer games and pushing the kids away. He curses continually, especially in front of the kids. He drinks continually (8 or more beers per day, plus vodka) and smokes like a chimney. And he smells WONDERFUL. gag. He does not work full-time (was supposed to be finishing his degree these past few years), leaving me to provide for the family, chauffer the kids to activities, etc. He has cheated on me a minimum of three times (online stuff, I can't prove that he has been actually screwing around physically, though I have emails where he has at least attempted to hook up) that I'm aware of, probably more. Because I don't put out enough. I work full time, take care of kids, pay bills, etc. etc. etc. OH, and I'm in school full-time in a master's program. translation, I don't have time to breathe, let alone to have sex 3X or more a week. We average once per week, during which time I'm making laundry lists of to-do items for the next day. My family, friends and co-workers have all encouraged me to leave him, move on with my life and find someone new...it's just impossible economically. My husband has us in such debt right now from the year he refused to work, I will never see the light of day. Yes...he quit his job and refused to find work for nearly a year. We lived off credit cards and are now tens of thousands of dollars in debt. OH, and I was pregnant at the time, as well. We went the counseling route, and all we came up with was the counselor telling me that I needed to have sex with my husband more often and all would be grand. Because it would make him feel like a man again and he would be apt to do more. Yeah... So anyway, a new employee started here about a year ago. Scott is awesome. He's funny, artistic, interested in theater, sooooo handsome, but not in a conventional way. He's caring, loves kids...the whole package. Shortly after he started working here, I noticed that he spends a lot of time with me. His office is across the hall, and he smiles at me or cracks a joke or does a funny little dance every time he comes out of his office. He and I go to lunch frequently. One time, in particular, he blew off an assignment (nothing he couldn't catch later on in the day) to go to lunch with me. He walked into the cafe and he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at me with this smile. I can't explain it, it just melted my heart. It was like time stopped. sigh... A mutual friend of ours said that he is "quite fond of me," but wouldn't tell me more as to not breach confidence. I find myself doing little things for him...bringing him back his favorite snacks after lunch, texting him jokes, checking up on him when he was really REALLY ill a few weeks back. He and I work together a lot, and there is definitely chemistry...he likes to pull me out of my office to go get coffee and to work on a photo shoot with him. He always says that I need to get away from the office for a bit. Just to get out. Then he flirts with me relentlessly. LOL! So the bottom line is this...Scott has a live-in girlfriend and is in a VERY bad relationship. She is abusive towards him (I have witnessed this personally, via ranting cell phone calls during work hours) and is putting him through a lot right now. He and I both know that we would be better off ending our current relationships (he says he still cares for his gf, but for how much longer?). He is stuck and so am I. We have not discussed feelings for each other, so I don't know how he feels towards me, if anything is there or if he is just being himself and I'm a great gal pal. Which is fine...I treasure his friendship. I am not going to move forward on ANYTHING right now, until my current relationship is ended. I am not like that. I find Scott to be an amazing person, a wonderful friend, and someone I just happen to have a maddening crush on. The crush is enough for me. For now. It's getting me through my days and it's innocent enough. So how do I find out if his feelings for me are the same? Not sure what to do if they are... or if I want him to even know. I kind of like having this crush. It's the first thrilling feeling I've had in years. And it's mine. He just came out of his office and did a funny little dance for me...to make me laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Time holds the key to all of your answers. Everything will fall into place soon enough. He might have the same little crush u do. ... but beware of the crushes... because thats all it is at the end... a CRUSH. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beanzmom Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 GAH! He just came by and said that he thought I was going to lunch. I was...but got stuck here. LOL! He said he was going to work out, but would sit with me for a few minutes afterward. So he's going to call when he's done and I'm going to lunch with him...AGAIN. sighhhhhhhh....... Link to post Share on other sites
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You need to leave your H. Like, now. It's good for both you and the kids. Get your friends and family to help you. If it's not economically feasible now, then when? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beanzmom Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 I'm in grad school now. When I graduate in approximately 1 year, I will be able to make a MINIMUM of $10,000 more than I'm making now. Leaving now would mean financial hardship beyond anything I'm capable of handling at this time. Waiting and biding my time would mean a more secure future for the kids and me. And a better life. This bullcrap with my husband has been going on for 10+ years, I can wait another 365 days. And being here enables me to plunk money away, as well as to pay off/down as many bills as I can. Unfortunately, that's what I have to do for now. I'm not happy about it, but it's what needs to be done. My family is not in the financial situation to help, my mom is struggling on her own, as well. So it's up to me to fix what's wrong and make it work the best way I can. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I'm in grad school now. When I graduate in approximately 1 year, I will be able to make a MINIMUM of $10,000 more than I'm making now. Leaving now would mean financial hardship beyond anything I'm capable of handling at this time. Waiting and biding my time would mean a more secure future for the kids and me. And a better life. This bullcrap with my husband has been going on for 10+ years, I can wait another 365 days. And being here enables me to plunk money away, as well as to pay off/down as many bills as I can. Unfortunately, that's what I have to do for now. I'm not happy about it, but it's what needs to be done. My family is not in the financial situation to help, my mom is struggling on her own, as well. So it's up to me to fix what's wrong and make it work the best way I can. Glad you have a plan -- hang in there! As for your crush, I know you'd like to know right away if he feels the same or not, but given that you've got grad shcool and leaving your H to deal with, I think you can afford to let things be for a while and just enjoy the feeling. If he feels the same, Scott might just say something himself. If he know you're married, you might want to mention that it will not stay that way, if there's a situation where it's appropriate and not terribly awkward to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beanzmom Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 He definitely knows. He's even given me advice on how to prepare for leaving. He is disgusted by my h's actions, too. So he knows... He also has talked to me about his current GF and her insanity. She's really nuts. I feel so badly for him. He's such a sweet guy, would do anything to help someone out. Yet, he ends up with crazies. sigh... Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Oh yeah, I forgot about the GF. If he is into you, it will be a while before both of you are not living with toxic people. But it's good to hear he's supportive of your getting out of your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beanzmom Posted April 21, 2011 Author Share Posted April 21, 2011 How do I tell if he's "into me"? I have been out of that scene for almost 20 years. I don't remember the cues... He says he still "cares about" her and that she is "better" than she was before. Urm, why be with a girlfriend that is not going to marry you (his words) and abuses you? Link to post Share on other sites
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