ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Just out of curiosity - how have you guys responded when your Dumper apologized after the fact? My ex apologized but I just couldn't give him any response. For one, I didn't want to break NC and two, there as no sorry big enough to take away the pain he caused me. I feel bad for not responding but when he broke up he was so nasty and hurtful I don't think he deserves to get a response back. And I want him to feel what its like to have me completely out of his life, which is what he asked for. Does this make me immature and petty? I figure all I have right now is self-respect and dignity, so I didn't want to give that up, even if its somethign I had to force myself to do. Gotta fake it to make it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's a fair question, ShoeGurl. I don't know the answer to your direct question but I do have some thoughts on the other things you wrote about. Basically, you are in 100% control here. There is no should or could or right or wrong. You're in the driver's seat and you can do whatever you wish. It's empowering, isn't it? This is a luxury that we all don't have. If you want to start the process of reconciliation with him then that is probably an option from what it seems. What you need to decide is basically what you want and what you can and/or can not deal with. If you truly feel that what he said to you when you two broke up is unforgivable then you have to be honest with yourself (most important) and accept that. It could be that there hasn't been enough time that has passed in order for you to forgive him. It doesn't mean you won't, it just means that you haven't as of yet. It appears that NC is more important to you right now than getting him back. That tells you a lot about yourself. It tells you that you're simply not in a place to reconcile... yet. Listen to yourself. It's amazing the decisions we'll make when we have the confidence (upper hand) to do so. He came back to you and apologized and you're not sure about it. That speaks volumes. My advice is to sit down, assess what you're truly feeling, what you can accept, what you can't accept, what you want, etc, and go forward from there. The only person you need to be honest with here is yourself. The only decision(s) you have to make is for yourself. It's your life. Oh, and I don't think you're being immature and petty at all. You're just trying to sort out what's right. That's about as mature as it gets. Good luck ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Wow, you are right. I am in control and you are correct, if I was sure I could forgive him, I would have responded. The truth, now that i think about it, is that what he said was horrible and I don't think I can ever be with someone that can cross those boundaries, even in a heated arguement. I guess I need to trust my gut instinct, which is obviously to not bite at his text. I guess even if he wanted to reconcile, I would turn him down now. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I've been in arguements where thing were said that I regret and then I felt bad about saying them. This might be what he's feeling. But, it comes down to the basic foundation that the relationship is over. How it ended might have been hurtful and things were said (heck, you might have even said some things that were hurtful too, sorry to play devil's advocate) But, I agree. You are in the driver's seat. Whether you want to forgive the hurtful things that were said, that's entirely up to you. However, I would still reiterate that the relationship is still over. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 It all depends what he's apologising for. if it's for being nasty and abusive, accept it, let it go, and don't even think of acknowledging. The reason is because it's a hard thing to acknowledge in the right frame of mind. If you reply "ok, thanks" it sounds dismissive and may put you in a bad light in his eyes and make him think you're being pretty callous considering he's just apologised....which just engenders more bad feeling and might evoke a further reaction from him. If you reply in a more lengthy way, you risk pouring your heart out, consequently ripping your healing-stitches out, and possibly expressing sentiments you might later regret. So yes, if he's saying "I'm sorry I was such a nasty, rude, disrespectful, aggressive and verbally abusive jerk" - accept the fact that there's a 'sorry' there, but just move on. if on the other hand, he's apologising because he regrets breaking up with you, wants you back and would do anything to achieve that - take time to digest the facts, and think on it carefully. if you need to, that is. Read the Caliguy No Contact guide in my sig. it touches on that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Ok.... you posted while I was writing..... Link to post Share on other sites
tyler123 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 My lady friend has apologized countless times - usually this happens when i show no interest, do not confront- basically do NC. however, i realize she only says i am sorry long after i am dealing with the hurt of betrayal and i have accepted the apology hoping it won't happen again, but it does maybe a week later or a couple of months- some people only say i am sorry cause they are scared of losing the love not so much about showng respect and being loving consistently. Balls in your court- and you own the court Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 You are right Tyler123 - ball is in my court. Funny how that doesn't make me feel much better though, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You guys are lucky. My ex doesn't know how to say I'm sorry. She's one of those people who says, "I'm sorry that YOU feel that way" if she ever does anything to make you feel crappy. She deflects all responsibility for having a part in it. Nice, eh? I always thought so. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You guys are lucky. My ex doesn't know how to say I'm sorry. She's one of those people who says, "I'm sorry that YOU feel that way" if she ever does anything to make you feel crappy. She deflects all responsibility for having a part in it. Nice, eh? I always thought so. God, I HATE when they do that. Link to post Share on other sites
aypforever Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I made a post in coping about bc being 'bs'. My ex has no idea how much she has hurt me. If she were to say sorry, id wait a little bit and then say 'ok, explain'. We were together for 4 years, so I'm not about playing games with her. How did they go about apologizing? A text is not a way to apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 God, I HATE when they do that. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. She doesn't apologize, she's never admittedly wrong and can justify just about anything because she "feels it" at that time. "I killed those cute puppies because I FELT angry at my boss at the time" Obviously not a true quote but you get the idea. She should have been a lawyer. If she feels something it must be right. How could it not be? She feels it. Do women have a switch under one of their breasts that actually turns off logic? Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 You guys are lucky. My ex doesn't know how to say I'm sorry. She's one of those people who says, "I'm sorry that YOU feel that way" if she ever does anything to make you feel crappy. She deflects all responsibility for having a part in it. Nice, eh? I always thought so. Wow, that was the apology I got from my ex. "I'm sorry you felt that I hurt you". Very lame and made him look even worse in my eyes after what he had done! Link to post Share on other sites
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Just out of curiosity - how have you guys responded when your Dumper apologized after the fact? My ex apologized but I just couldn't give him any response. For one, I didn't want to break NC and two, there as no sorry big enough to take away the pain he caused me. I feel bad for not responding but when he broke up he was so nasty and hurtful I don't think he deserves to get a response back. And I want him to feel what its like to have me completely out of his life, which is what he asked for. Does this make me immature and petty? I figure all I have right now is self-respect and dignity, so I didn't want to give that up, even if its somethign I had to force myself to do. Gotta fake it to make it, right? No, it does not make you immature and petty. You are NC to heal, not to worry about what he thinks right now. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 People who say stuff like "I'm sorry you felt that I hurt you" are just in complete denial of the effect their own shortcomings have on other people, specifically the ones they love. It's a defense mechanism but a very poor, pathetic and selfish one. It helps protect them from having to deal with themselves and their involvement in a particular situation. It couldn't possibly be them, could it? Of course not! They're simply perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 aypforever - my apology was via text after about 4 weeks NC. I figure he was testing me to see if i would respond to give him some idea where i was at with things. This is his normal MO - pitch a tantrum, say mean things and then try and apologize for it. Only this time he moved out of the house so im like what's the point. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Yup, I've definitely known a lot of people in your situation. They know the pattern but seem unable to escape the cycle of breakups and reconciliations. I guess the only thing to realize is that people really don't change. They're always going to say mean things because they just can't help themselves. And then we enable them by accepting their apologies. It's terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Its amazing how the dumper rationalizes that its all the dumpees fault...and the dumpee rationalizes that its all the dumpees fault. Seems pretty skewed huh? But good for you having the smarts to think through a decision and not make a snap judgement either way. I'm dealing with an ex who cant seem to express much remorse (sans the occasional lukewarm apology), so you're better off than a lot of us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Share Posted April 20, 2011 I agree, by saying "I'm sorry YOU feel"... they are simply shifting the blame back to you and making you feel responsibile. Don't fall for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Country_Girl Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 It took my dumper a few months, but he apologized countless times, more than I remember. He carried a lot of guilt for the breakup and I forgave him. Finally, I had to tell him to forgive himself, because me forgiving him wasn't enough. Bottom line, I have been in his shoes, carrying all this regret of "first love" and wishing I had done things differently...I know I was his first true love and I thought hard about my own first love and the things I wished had transpired. I didn't want him to live with that kind of guilt or regret. I would not wish that pain or sorrow on anyone, so I openly forgave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) There's nothing wrong not replying to your ex if he/she comes back to apologize. Afterall, the break up is real, they chose it. My personal experience. my ex broke up with me and said very sorry for hurting me, and then started pushing blames on me that resulted in the break up. So, is he really sorry for breaking up? I highly doubt so because I believe no 1 relationship failed is 1 person's fault. And if he really feels sorry for hurting me, he wouldn't just let go before talking to me face to face to work things out, not even once. My take is, we can only forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made in the relationship, not from our Dumpers. And usually when we have moved on completely, more or less we already don't take it into heart why the chose to let us go. Edited April 20, 2011 by Fufu Link to post Share on other sites
melenkurion Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I agree, by saying "I'm sorry YOU feel"... they are simply shifting the blame back to you and making you feel responsibile. Don't fall for it! My STBXCP cheated on me with my friend. A couple of days before I found out that they had full on cheated, I found some stuff and he admitted to having been infatuated with my friend, but that he had pulled back from the infatuation (a complete lie). I've just remembered that he didn't apologise for that, he said this kind of rubbish: he was sorry that I felt upset. I even asked him if he understood why. He had the gall to say: "different things upset different people". Total blameshifting. I was at fault for being upset? Link to post Share on other sites
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