Why does my Wife want to dress so revealing?

[Moose]

Hey Guys,

I'm still shaking a little bit because my Wife and I got into it this morning on the way to work. Her Mother is off today and they are going shopping together. She has alway dressed with the tightest most revealing jeans and today she is wearing a VERY tight shirt with frill down the middle that looks like something that should only be worn in the bedroom. A while back, ( When we were sharing our feelings to each other ), I had expressed concern that when she wears clothes like this out in public that men will strain their necks and have thoughts and ideas of how they would love to jump her bones. I told her how uncomfortable that makes me feel. She always got onto me when we used to live in town not to go outside without my shirt on. ( I loved working outside in the yard w/no shirt ), she said that all I was doing that for was to hear all the little girls in the neighborhood going ga ga after me. I really don't remember her telling me that I couldn't or that it bothered her, but she has said something about it to me.

Well here it is almost 15 years later and now she's going out wearing clothes that reveals the very shape of her breasts and jeans that go up her crotch, I mean, you don't have to see her naked you can see what she looks like naked with her clothes on!!! She got very defensive when I said something about it and how it made me feel and then she said it wasn't JUST about this either. She says that I have to know where she is 24/7 and that if I don't know where she is I call her cell phone and the first thing I ask is where are you. That's true, I do want to know where she's at 24/7, she knows where I'm at 24/7 and so does almost every married couple that I know. ( Knows where the other is ). It's not like when she goes shopping with Mom I call her every 20 minutes or something like that, I'm talking like last night she was at her Mom's and it got to be around 10pm when I called her cell phone, ( Not her Mom's cause I didn't want her to think I was checking on her ). I'm at two places during the week, work, then home. 6 days a week!! On Sunday we are together going to Church and she goes to evening Church, I stay home and work some more.

She is constantly going somewhere during the day and I really don't get a chance to go out and do anything myself. So...what's the big deal? Is she cheating? Is that why she doesn't want me to know where she's at? Is that why she's wearing these clothes? Am I being stupid? Cause the last thing I said to her was that it was my right as her husband to tell her my thoughts and feelings about all this and I have the right to know where she's at especially when she knows where I'm at......24/7. I told her that if I didn't have these rights then we don't even need to be married. That was the last words to her this morning when for the past upteen years we've always departed with a kiss and an I love you.

I need some help here people, am I right to be concerned, do I have the right to tell her how I feel? It's not like I'm telling her that I DEMAND she wear more conservative clothing, or that I DEMAND to know where she's at all the time. It's the fact that it seems to not bother her how or what I feel and that there isn't going to be effort on her part to understand.....instead I get a defensive women who seems to fighting for her right to dress as she pleases, goes as she pleases and do as she pleases. She used to be more understanding and has even told me to tell her when her clothes bothered her and now she's going back on that deal. Is she cheating? Why does she have to dress that way? I know some of you are going to say that a woman needs to feel and look good and I believe that 110%.....but my wife is showing way too much in my opinion which doesn't seem to matter to her at all anymore.

 

 

help

[Moose]

She used to be more understanding and has even told me to tell her when her clothes bothered her and now she's going back on that deal.

 

I meant to say when her clothes bothered me....sorry....

[yes]

hey, could this be a cultural diff-ce thing? were you two raised in the same country? religion? etc?

 

-yes

[tattoomytoe]

when women get older staying young and sexy looking can be something they place a lot of value on. i do not think she would ever cheat on you, but it is really nice when an older woman can still command as much or more attention as her younger counterpart.

 

basically it sounds like she has the " if you got, it flaunt." attitude.

 

so slip some extra pats of butter into her mash taters, and hand feed her bon bon, until she can't wear the clothes anymore!

[sportsloving]

I honestly don't think she is trying to hurt you or offend you, I think it is just a little "self~esteem pick me up". I wouldn't say anything, because the more you fight about it, the bigger the issue. Let her dress however she wants (well, within reason of course) and don't say more than "you look different".

 

And if it bugs her that you want to know where she is all the time, next time you want to call... don't. I bet it doesn't take long for her to start asking what is up with you not asking anymore.

 

Hey take care... I bet this is one of those little speed bumps in life.

[moimeme]

So take your shirt off in the yard, go out during the day without telling her, and do the same. If she protests, tell her that if her attitude is that she can do what she wants, she needs to extend the same 'rights' to you.

 

Frankly, it doesn't sound good to me. People tend to get anxious about being 'controlled' when they start to disengage from a relationship. It doesn't sound as though you've been overly controlling of her (though of course we're only hearing your side) so her attitude seems unwarranted.

 

She used to be more understanding and has even told me to tell her when her clothes bothered her and now she's going back on that deal

 

Does she just have lousy taste? Some women dress really cheaply thinking it makes them look sexy when it only makes them look like hookers.

[bella8464]

She could be doing it to get attention that you may not be giving her. Do you compliment her on her looks? Maybe if you tell her how beautiful and sexy she is, she wouldn't need the attention from other men. Do you excessively ogle at other women? She could be doing it for revenge. It could even be insecurity issues. No one knows why she dresses the way she does but her, so talk to her. Ask her. Usually women dress this way to get some sort of validation. If you knew the heart of the matter, you could help her out.

[Moose]

Dear Yes,

To answer your question, She was raised very sheltered and in a Christian home. Church on Wed. nights and on Sunday's without fail. Perhaps she's rebeling against that. I was raised in a raise hell, party till you puke environment so I know what dressing kinda slutty looks like, and what the guys are saying behind her back.

 

Sportsloving, ( Within reason ) is where I guess our lines don't intersect. I think that clothes that leave nothing to the imagination is out of bounds. This is how she dresses.....to her, ( Within Reason ) I really can't tell you where she is on that. I just know she came off like it didn't matter to her how I felt and that's that. Thanks for the last line.....that helps.

 

moimeme, I was thinking the same thing. Lately she has been showing signs of disengaging, but I try not to entertain that thought because my heart breaks a little bit every time I think of it. And it would absolutley devistate me, and I mean KILL me, to find out she's been cheating. Her clothes are nice and she has good taste. It's how she wears them and doesn't care how I feel about it that concerns me. Like you and I said, these are not good signs if you ask me.....

 

Thanks y'all

[Moose]

Hi Belle,

I didn't see your post before my reply...... my Wife and I talk all the time....and I compliment her constantly....leave her notes, buy flowers, it's definitly not the attention, as a matter of fact....it may be the opposite if anything. I don't see how....I only get to talk to her after work and on Sundays...during the week I leave her totally alone. I usually know where she is because she's at home, at her Brothers, or with her Mom all the time. I bought her a cell phone so I can reach her when I NEED to.....but she's coming off as if I'm smothering her wanted to know what she's doing all the time and what she wears......I am just upset because it doesn't seem to bother her that it bothers me.....she doesn't need a confidence builder, and I don't ogle at other women....She knows that in my eyes she is the most wonderfull, sexiest, Woman to walk the face of the earth....and I've tried to get to the heart of the matter, and I get an earfull when I do....so I told her from now on I'll just share my thoughts and concerns with other people as if I don't have a wife.....that also didn't bother her....she's probably thinking, "He is so childish" and I know what I'm talking about, I can finish her thoughts and sentences often way before she can.

[magda]

You say she's always dressed revealingly. What was different about today? Was that outfit of hers brand new or something?

 

Well, in my opinion when you're married you're still allowed to do as you please... it's expected, however, that what you please has what pleases your partner as a priority.

She told you that you worked in the yard without a shirt because you wanted to hear "the little girls in the neighborhood go gaga". It makes you wonder if she is dressing that way because she wants to hear somebody going gaga. Why isn't it you? I'd be pissed, too, if instead of telling me I'm looking hot and not being able to keep his hands off me my husband told me that everyone is going to think I'm a slut. You're shooting yourself in the foot because as soon as a man does give her attention, it's going to emphasize what a dick you are.

 

If you're insecure lately that she's cheating on you, don't wait until something like the way she dresses or whether she called to check in comes up and argue over that. Like you said, you're wondering if it means she could be cheating on you, this means you two aren't very close lately and THAT is the issue you should be working on: communication. The way she dresses or reacts to your "marital rights" being enforced are symptoms to the real problem. If you really want things to improve don't nit pick over these issues and focus on loving each other better and more honestly.

[bella8464]

Moose, you sound like such a great guy and husband. Usually as the years go by, men don't do all those cute things anymore. The fact that you still do and compliment her means you don't take her for granted. She's very lucky. I hope she appreciates what a great husband she has.

[jenny]

i agree with carla.

 

if you seek to change this behaviour, it is very important that you do not take the "well, folks will think you're slutty" approach. this problem is about your relationship not about the perceptions of random men.

 

phrase the problem entirely in the 'I' voice, as in: i feel hurt and insecure when other men gawk an you; i feel uncomfrotable. i am asking you as my partner to help me out with this. i knew you needed me to change when i was not wearing a shirt, and i am asking you for the same assistance.

 

be gentle and logical. don't name outfits or bring up incidents. just explain clearly how badly this makes you feel, and how scared. maybe even offer to go shopping with her; perhaps she is outgrowing old clothes?

 

this can be done without making anyone feel shame about their bodies or sexuality, easily. just keep focused on the real problem: your emotional response to her actions.

 

you sound like a wonderful husband. i hope you can resolve this kindly.

[Moose]

Magda wrote:

 

It makes you wonder if she is dressing that way because she wants to hear somebody going gaga. Why isn't it you? I'd be pissed, too, if instead of telling me I'm looking hot and not being able to keep his hands off me my husband told me that everyone is going to think I'm a slut. You're shooting yourself in the foot because as soon as a man does give her attention, it's going to emphasize what a dick you are.

 

Maybe you didn't see my other posts....I compliment and tell her she's sexy all the time and I CAN'T keep my hands off of her....and I never said she looks like a slut....I told her that the outfit concerns me and I wish she would be more conservative.

[magda]

Well, you posted that while I was posting, I suppose. You did say, "I know what dressing kinda slutty looks like, and what the guys are saying behind her back" however and mentioned she leaves nothing to the imagination at all. So I can only assume that when you talked to her about it today you gave the strong impression that she looked trashy.

 

That doesn't change my point that how she dresses isn't the point and you really need to step up the communication with her. She's getting annoyed with you and seeing you as controlling and you need to find out why she isn't being as reasonable and considerate as she once was.

[jenny]

whoops - on my post read magda for carla.

[Moose]

Belle,

Thanks....that means a lot to me....it really does.

 

Magda,

I agree with you and I will try. But I also have the angel on one shoulder saying I should try to talk to her more about it,( Like you're suggesting ) and then I have the devil on the other shoulder saying don't talk to her at all tonight and let her bring it up. I know that sounds so 2nd grade, but now I'm afraid to even open my mouth and get chewed out. How should I start and what should I say? We used to be able to talk and to say anything to each other, but now I'm worried she'll think I'm accusing her of something and she'll throw the, "What???? you don't trust me?"" card at me like she usually does.

I will be the first person to tell you I'm insecure, having a drunk step-dad who beat the crap out of me on a daily basis tends to make me feel that way even now, coupled with my Mother and Sisters sleeping around and having multiple sex partners has me thinking that any day the same is going to happen to us and she'll leave me for someone else.

I just want to say to her...."I told you how a felt this morning. If you can't understand my feelings and don't care that you're hurting me then I don't have anything else to say to you about the subject and just do whatever the hell you want to do."

Then I'll go on and might even ask her what she wants for supper tonight.

[magda]

...."I told you how a felt this morning. If you can't understand my feelings and don't care that you're hurting me then I don't have anything else to say to you about the subject and just do whatever the hell you want to do."

Don't do that unless you want a divorce. I mean, you really need you can't just refuse to talk about problems in your marraige.

 

You might consider marraige counseling to help. Especially considering your past issues and the feelings they've left you with.

[Longintooth]

Arguing with her about her clothes is going to make things worse. Get together a nice quiet setting, settle in with a nightcap, and try appealing to her gentle side. Although my clothes are not revealing, I did like to wear mini skirts (only above my knee, no shorter). He does not like this. He would rather me wear shirt untucked and baggy pants. On the weekends, I do. And for the most part, my clothes are not tight.

 

But, he did say this to me. He said, you know when someone is trying to sell a car, they shine it up, dress it up, put some balloons on it...But once it is sold, they move it to the back. She is sold. Unless she wants to be back on the market I think she should respect your feelings and loosen those clothes and put some more on.

 

Hang in there!_____________________________________________

 

Rethink relationships: Ask yourself this question Are the people in your life contributing or contaminating?

[Moose]

Magda,

Of course I wouldn't say that to my Wife, I don't talk to her like that....it's disrespectfull. I just said that I feel like telling her that. How come she's so blind to my feelings and comes off like she doesn't care? She's been that way forever and you'd think I'd get used to it. I just don't know how to start this conversation or what to even say to get my points across without hurting her or getting her all defensive. And if it is because of an affair, she wouldn't tell me the truth about it, I know that if I were having an affair I'm not going to admit to it that's for sure.

I guess I'll play it be ear and see what happens. All I know is that I'm hurt, very hurt that my feelings aren't an issue for her when they used to be something she cherished.

[Moose]

Boy, I reread that it sounded so contraticting.....she used to cherish my feelings in a way that she would listen, but she has never been one to out right care in a sense that she'd hug a person and even say hey I know how you feel. Does that make sense?

[Juggs]

Hard to really tell what is going on in her mind at the moment but maybe she's having a little identity crisis or something... I know fairly recently I looked in the mirror before I got into the shower and it was suddenly PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that I was no longer a Spring Chicken... Made me want to see if I still "had it" to flaunt... Maybe she figures you are her husband, of COURSE you find her attractive.... But does anyone else still find her attractive? Maybe instead of asking her NOT to dress provocatively you should tell her she looks amazing and pat her bottey on the way out... Sooner or later she'll come back down to Earth and feel wonderful because not only did she turn the heads of men she didn't know, her husband loved her and trusted her enough to be OK with it.

 

Again, I have no clue what her side is so I could very possibly be off in left field on this one...

[Moose]

Juggs,

I do love her and I want so very much to trust her completley. It's impossible for me at this point. I guess I'll never grow out of it. I've brought it to her attention several times that guys are checking her out and we laugh about it....I know that she knows that she's attractive, and it's ok with me that other guys feel that way. She says I'm controlling her....I'm not....I just don't think that a 37 year old Christian Mother should walk around the mall with her boobies displaying and jeans so tight that if she had to fart she'd rip them two. And for her to say that I'm smothering her when she's got the freedom to go and do whatever and whenever she wants, well, I don't know what else I need to do to give her more freedom and I really don't see what she means by I'm controlling her.....It ticks me the heck off!!! I don't have any control over her whatsoever....she does what she wants, I simply stated that I was concerned with what she was wearing...I don't know where she's getting this.....unless she's looking for an arguement?

[Juggs]

Maybe she views your statements to her about her taste in clothing to be an attempt to control her. I know you didn't intend it to be and that you have your wife's best interests at heart but maybe that is how she perceived it.

 

Here's a suggestion.... Maybe if you talked to her and apologize to her... tell her you didn't mean to come across as controling and the very last thing you ever want to do is smother her. You were just expressing an opinion and reaffirm to her that she is free to go, do, wear anything she pleases as far as you are concerned. Then back up a bit and don't call her, don't tell her to dress differently.... As suggested earlier by someone else, if you STOP calling, she'll wonder what's up and maybe see things from a different light.

 

I have to say.... She is a very lucky woman to have someone at her side that loves her and respects her as much as you seem to. She just might need a little patience and blind understanding from you right about now... Sounds like she's trying to work through something in her head right now.

[echocrush]

I love my husband, I have no desire to ever have another man in my life or in my bed. Even when things are bad, they are still good. But sometimes I just need to know that I am still attractive to other people besides just him. After awhile together it's kind of like your Mom telling you how pretty you are, you wonder if it's really true or if she is just saying it because she has to.

 

It's possible that she feels like you aren't giving her the attention she needs as people before me have said, but... if she dressed like that before then most likely she just feels better about herself when she is showing what she's got.

 

I know it's hard sometimes for a man to think about other men lusting after what is theirs, but it's their loss. I think with a little mental reprogramming you could learn to enjoy not only the fact that you have a woman who looks good and knows it, but that you are the one she goes home to at night. Watch the men watching her and if jealousy rises tell yourself... "And she's MINE!" smile really big at the poor sap who can't have her and enjoy yourself.

[TazmaGurl]

If it bothers you, she should understand, participate in talking with you about it, and consider wearing those outfits only when you go out together (If that doesn't bother you I mean, being the man walking alongside his "slinky-sexy dressed" wife)

 

If she is in fact needing to feel "sexy" as she is getting older (as many seem to beleive) and you are giving her plenty of attention, perhaps she doesn't beleive you think she is sexy because well would you really say she isn't? (This is a problem for me and my husband, but then, I really am not sexy to societys eyes - only his) and so she is looking for that feeling from others out and about.

 

If I were to have this problem, I would expect my partner to ease up on going out looking that way. And if I were the one going out looking that way I would feel more then happy that my significant other feels threatened of losing me so much that he would talk to me about the issue (makes you feel like such a prize) and I would dress more appropriately.

 

If you are a beautiful woman, there are so many more styles then "tight and teasey" that will make men look at you, and other girls jealous of you. Having a great sense of fashion shows you off alot more then the shape of your body. Besides, its more challenging.

 

Tazmagurl