change Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 My wife left me three weeks ago. We'd had marital problems for the last three years of a seven year marriage. (Largely my problems which she asked me to address at the time, but I didn't see -- clinical depression which led to a sexless marriage.) I'm in treatment now and making the changes that I've always needed to make in my life. We're living separately, but cooperating on finances. We're not dividing up stuff yet. We're co-parenting our cat (who is like our child to both of us). We're both invested in attending weekly MC. My wife is not ready to date me yet because I have always "talked a good game" (her words; they're true), and she needs to really see that the changes I'm taking are more than the first steps before she'll consider us seriously again. I get that. Really. My wife also states that she does not have any attraction to me at present. She feels a lot of fear of rejection and lack of trust. She's not sure what's left under that and what feelings can/will come back/are still there. During this separation we are both seeing IC and working on ourselves. She is also planning to casually date other people -- for reasons that do make sense to me based on the issues that she has to work through in terms of boundary setting and self-esteem from the rejection she felt from my lack of interest in sex the past few years. For the aforementioned reasons, she is not ready to date me again. She's isn't sure when she will be, but she's doesn't want to close the door either. We have back our EXCELLENT communication. We have back a guarded, but really great closeness, that disappeared a couple years ago. We're still deeply compatible people that enjoy each other's company. We're both dedicated to seeing what we can get from MC. We're working on building trust and having fun together as friends for the moment, despite the fact that she's on the fence (unwilling to make promises?) about our future -- and I'm desperately in love with her still and see us making a solid go at it again. I'm... not sure what I'm looking for here. She said she really sees that things are different this time; otherwise we wouldn't be having all of the challenging, draining conversations we're having. She would be emotionally out the door and gone entirely. She's not. Has anyone else been in this situation before? On either side of the situation? Feedback? Similar experience? Advice on rebuilding a friendship with overt intention to see if something else is there or can return in the end? I see a lot of divorces (at least among friends/family) where people can't stand to be around each other. Or discovered that they're totally incompatible. Or where the level of communication and comfort we've rebuild in three weeks takes ten years of therapy. We've both struggled to look for analogous situations to our own to assist us in moving through this. My wife and I both feel like we're in "uncharted waters." Link to post Share on other sites
Author change Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Background can be found here for those interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272881/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273558/ I've really appreciated all of the feedback (positive and negative) and combined wisdom of the LS community over the past couple weeks. You're all incredibly valuable, awesome people. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenVista Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 There is only so much of 'being friends' you can take. It is not like normal friendship because you are hanging on every word and signal like it is life or death. This can only go on so long. Hoping they will change their mind one day is normal, but I am starting to doubt it makes much difference if you are around all the time or not once you reach a certain level of them thinking you are 'ok'. Change has to come from within them. I wouldn't regret just telling her how you feel and going into low contact. She may drift away for a while (forever?), but if things are going to change, there isn't much more you can do so what have you got to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 During this separation we are both seeing IC and working on ourselves. She is also planning to casually date other people -- for reasons that do make sense to me based on the issues that she has to work through in terms of boundary setting and self-esteem from the rejection she felt from my lack of interest in sex the past few years. So she going to see if the grass is greener on the other side while you wait for her, and she has sex with other men? If she's going to date then you might as well date also and have fun yourself. I know you love her but sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind is crazy, and you might miss out on a better relationship with someone else. She is not invested in the marriage if she wants to date other people. You are her fall back plan if she doesn't find someone better. I would move on. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 . She is also planning to casually date other people -- for reasons that do make sense to me based on the issues that she has to work through " Are you serious? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Has anyone else been in this situation before? ." Yep, I've been where you are, now reconciled with my wife. In fact the only difference is that she didn't casually date anyone else. I've had all the "I'm not attracted to you", "Not in love with you" cr*p. Anyway I got over it and accepted my marriage was over, stopped being whiny and depressed, started having fun again. Life was good. I totally stopped complaining. I made a lot of changes, eventually she asked me to marriage counselling a total turnaround and told me she wants to get her feelings back and to work hard on us. Anyway first thing I noticed was she started looking at me like when we first met, then it sound slike a cliche but it's in their kiss. She wouldn't even peck me on the cheek, suddenly she's initiating good old fashioned kisses. Then our love life came back. Anyway this shows it's possible she changed from being repelled by me to being back in love, it took nearly 2 years. There are no guaruntees in these situations but you know what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Yep, I've been where you are, now reconciled with my wife. In fact the only difference is that she didn't casually date anyone else. I've had all the "I'm not attracted to you", "Not in love with you" cr*p. Anyway I got over it and accepted my marriage was over, stopped being whiny and depressed, started having fun again. Life was good. I totally stopped complaining. I made a lot of changes, eventually she asked me to marriage counselling a total turnaround and told me she wants to get her feelings back and to work hard on us. Anyway first thing I noticed was she started looking at me like when we first met, then it sound slike a cliche but it's in their kiss. She wouldn't even peck me on the cheek, suddenly she's initiating good old fashioned kisses. Then our love life came back. Anyway this shows it's possible she changed from being repelled by me to being back in love, it took nearly 2 years. There are no guaruntees in these situations but you know what you need to do. Rob- I will go back and review your thread(s), but were you two actually separated? were their kids in the picture too? (any insight, advice you can lend on my long, ponderous thread would be appreciated.) (ponderous on my end, not a reflection on the helpful contributors.) Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Rob- I will go back and review your thread(s), but were you two actually separated? were their kids in the picture too? (any insight, advice you can lend on my long, ponderous thread would be appreciated.) (ponderous on my end, not a reflection on the helpful contributors.) She had given me the ILBY speech, said she was "done", she was actively looking for places to live. I'd been begging for marriage counselling and to give us another try, and having no luck. She was "not attracted" to me in her words. Pretty much the standard bullcrap common to all threads. After a few months of me pining, whining, pleading etc, it was like a switch flipped in my head. I started to act and feel happy. My attitude became "I'm gonna live each day as it comes". I put massive effort into rebuilding my business, enjoying my kids and just living life. At that point slowly she stopped mentioning moving out, and then the real big thing came out of the blue "I want to save our marriage and go to counselling". We kind of got to the bottom of a few things in MC, I changed my behaviour, a lot of it was like she thought of me as a child, and wanted me to man up. Which she could see I had been doing over the previous few months. In counselling we also agreed that mature love is different from the initial "in love" stage and that we were best friends behind everything else. Fast forward some time I noticed her becoming more affectionate and, starting to become a little "sexual" in her behaviour towards me. After 5 months of Nada in that department, It was great. Part of my 180 to her was to stop kissing her goodbye, or hello. She made that very clear at the beginning that she no longer wanted that. She actually started to initiate it, then in front of the Marriage counsellor her words were "Rob is starting to feel like my husband again" I've been given a second chance I'm not a religious man but what has happened is a miracle. I can't believe I am back with her. I am sure my change in behaviour had a huge amount to do with this. Also I'd stopped pressuring her and had basically given up hope. I think this allowed her to think about things. worldgonewrong your welcome to PM me about specific stuff. Times are busy but I do get on a few times a week now. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Thats awesome Rob.. you had the strength to follow through on a gameplan and now you have what you wanted. I'm sure your wife never stopped loving you and caring for you, and without that none of this would be possible. Thats not always the case. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Rob- thank you for the detailed reply! All I can say is: wow. Your situation sounds eerily like mine, down to every detail. We'll see if we turn a corner then... Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Rob- thank you for the detailed reply! All I can say is: wow. Your situation sounds eerily like mine, down to every detail. We'll see if we turn a corner then... When I see something that strikes me similiar, I go to their site, and read every thread they posted from beginning to end. It is always like reading a novel. As I said before, JaneDoe35's experiece really shifted my paradigm. Read Rob's complete history, it will do you good. Link to post Share on other sites
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