Something that's really bothering me....

[KCJ]

Hi,

 

I am new to this forum, and I would like advices on my situation. My bf and I have been together for almost 6 years, and most of our time together has been long-distance. I've never really been jealous or insecure until now. About a couple of months ago, my bf started hanging out with a female friend, whom I've never met or talked to. I encouraged him to go hang out and have fun since he doesn't have many friends left where he lives (they all moved away after college). I had no problem with him hanging out with the girl. They went to the bar, eat, etc.

 

However, one night, he texted me saying he and the girl were going to go out that night, and he promised to text me when he's heading back. Anyways, it was 1 AM his time and 4 AM my time, so I decided to call him to make sure he's ok. Turned out, he got so drunk and went back to the girl's apt and slept there. Now...considering that we are 3000 miles away, and I have no idea who this girl is, it's hard for me to feel like this was an acceptable behavior. After this incidence, I also happened to find out that he and this girl were texting like every hour of the day every day for two months until I told him I'm uncomfortable with what's going on. Some of the texts were even at like 3/4/5 AM. I asked him about this, and he said he doesn't remember them ever talking that late, and that they never talked about anything important.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel hurt because I feel like he crossed the line and disrespected me and the relationship. I don't have a problem with him hanging out and having fun, but to get hammered with another girl and staying over at her place???? I don't even know this girl! And...they were texting constantly.

 

He assured me that everything he did was dumb. He stopped texting her and hanging out with her. He's willing to move in two months to be with me (I cannot move since I'm in school). I have a feeling he wasn't cheating on me because he's always treated me very very well throughout our relationship. I just feel like I was being replaced. I felt like he wasn't even considerate of my feelings at all. I'm just very hurt, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is worth throwing away a relationship for.

[KatieB]

Hi there KCJ, I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems in your relationship at the moment.

 

In my opinion what he did and is still doing is very unacceptable, I mean how would he feel if you were doing the same thing? I bet he'd freak out big time. Texting another girl at those kinds of hours and sleeping over at her house is definatly a bad sign, however you should never jump to conclusions.

 

I would say talk to him about it, don't let him tell you that you are overreacting because you are not! Try and make him see your point of view. Just because he treats you well doesn't mean he isn't capable of cheating, and this really needs to be sorted out as 6 year relationship must be worth trying to save after all.

 

I can kind of see it from his point of view, however. You say it is mostly long distance? How much time to spend together if you don't mind me asking? He might be looking for companionship, and perhaps a long distance relationship is not fullfilling his needs as effectively as it should be.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck!

 

Katie

[KCJ]

Thanks for your reply.

 

We've always been long distance. We were apart for 4.5 years, and then spent 6 months together. Now, we have been apart again for almost a year. Whenever I have a break from school, I fly home to visit my parents and him. So, we see each other for 1 week/2 weeks every 3/4 months. We also text each other throughout the day to keep in touch and talk at night before I go to bed.

 

We've been talking about issues, and he says he understands why his actions hurt me and has apologized many times. He's saying he's willing to do anything to make up for it. Even though he does all that, I'm still hurting. The thing that hurts me the most is the fact that I felt like he was trying to replace me, so you are right on about the companionship thing. I want to save the relationship, but just can't bring myself to let it go. With the added stress from school, I'm just overwhelmed with this.

[KatieB]

I think that if he loves you and wants to be with you then this long distance thing shouldn't matter, many people have successful long distance relationships, it just depends on their willingness to wait until they can be together properly.

 

I can understand about the school thing, stress can make a bad situation seem so much worse and add extra pressure where it isnt needed, and I found that during exam time, my relationship with my boyfriend took a downward turn because I was so stressed out and couldn't open up.

 

Its understandable that you are hurting, nobody can expect you to be over something like that overnight, and if he expects that of you then he has a lot to learn. don't feel like you need to get over it or move on, take as long as you need to come to terms with it and make your own decisions, acting like it never happened or trying to ignore it only makes the problem worse.

 

Best wishes

[Kelemort]

5 - 6 years is a super-long time to be doing the long-distance gig. Really, the best chances for success are if the relationship starts at a close distance and then becomes an LDR, or if plans are made ASAP to close the distance, but that's clearly not happened here. I'm going to assume you're in your early to mid 20s - 21 to 23, something like that?

 

Do you have any plans in the next 1 to 2 years to close this distance for good? If not, I only see these problems intensifying. After all of that time, imho, it's probably best to move on and find someone closer to you. What he's doing isn't right, but somewhat understandable given that you're both so far away.